An impromptu press conference was held recently with God in Ellensburg, Washington. This is a transcript of God’s answers. Unfortunately, microphones weren’t working among the press corps, so we only have God’s answers on audiotape, but not the questions He was asked…
“I have no idea where that fish thing came from. If I was going to make a secret symbol, I would have used the hydrogen atom, or maybe the number eight lying on its side as the symbol for infinity, not a fish. And the Cross, why is everybody so hung up on that? It’s like a guillotine or an electric chair. Why are you all wearing something morbid like that around your necks?”
“Here’s how you cure cancer: make it more cool for a kid to grow up to be a scientist than it is for him to be an athlete or a pop star. That’s how you cure cancer. Also, teach your girls to dig scientists, that’ll do it.”
“In 6 days? Define “day”. Back then a day lasted until I was done.”
“Okay, here’s the deal: you can travel to other planets after you learn to take care of this one.”
“Ha! Aliens don’t believe in you, either. In fact, countless trillions upon trillions of aliens don’t believe in you. And they don’t care, either! But they were rooting for the chick on American Idol.”
“Of course he was guilty, but the cops did plant the glove by the fence and Nicole’s blood on the sock.”
“No, you can never travel through time. It’s a problem with physics, it won’t work. If it did, everybody would be going back to meet Jesus and He’d never get any work done.”
“Yes, I loved that one. Jesus was great! Ask Pat Robertson to die for Me, see how far you’d get! Heck, most of you wouldn’t even attend church if it didn’t have air conditioning. And how come you fly the flags of football teams on your cars, but not God Flags? I’d accept Jesus Flags, even Heaven Flags, but you never see that. I’m hurt. What good are the Green Bay Packers going to do for you? It makes no sense.”
“It took me years to get him to figure that out. I was planting E=MC2 in Einstein’s dreams for 20 years before he finally got it.”
It was a weather balloon with lifesize anamorphically correct dummies with tin foil that wouldn’t stay squished. Yes, the Air Force was 100% on that one (Oh, by the way, I didn’t make little green apples, either).
“Here’s a clue: if any person claims to be acting in MY name, but is making a ton of money doing it, he’s a fraud.”
“My ‘Ways’ are only mysterious because you spend all your time following celebrities instead of studying science. Every answer is in quantum physics and DNA. Figure it out. How old is the Earth? Ask the Earth. How come nobody is asking me if it will ever be possible to fly? Because you figured that one out already! Same with the others.”
“Koran? Nope. Never heard of it.”
“It was big all right, but there was no “bang”. Sound can’t travel in a vacuum, brainiac.”
“Really, that’s it. One last question… Yes, the future will be exactly like Star Trek. Do you think Gene Roddenberry dreamt all that up by himself?”
“Get real. I would never let Satan buy somebody’s soul, Tiger is just that good.”
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