You know, every year about this
time I come up against the same
dietary dilemma: Do mallow-creme
pumpkins count as fruit or vegetable?
Bat Suicide
Friday, October 31, 2008
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
You know, every year about this
time I come up against the same
dietary dilemma: Do mallow-creme
pumpkins count as fruit or vegetable?
Bat Suicide
Things That Sound Dirty on Halloween, but Aren't
1. So…What’d you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!
11. She’s a goblin!
12. Let me see your bag….OH! You’re having a great night!
13. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
14. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
15. If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
16. Show me your JuJuBees and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.
17. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth…
18. You scared me stiff!
19. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
(via the effervescent Amy)
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!
11. She’s a goblin!
12. Let me see your bag….OH! You’re having a great night!
13. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
14. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
15. If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
16. Show me your JuJuBees and I’ll let you see my Zagnuts.
17. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth…
18. You scared me stiff!
19. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
(via the effervescent Amy)
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Surfing for Halloween
(first published in last year's "Website Wednesday Halloween Edition")
AN INFORMED HALLOWEEN
---------------------
The History of Halloween
The Jack O'Lantern Legend
Halloween Safety Guide, safety tips for Halloween.
PUMPKINS
--------
Pumpkin Carving Templates
Lost of patterns for pumpkin shankin' fun.
Zombie Pumpkins
Great patterns for carving pumpkins, free and downloadable.
Badass Jack-O-Lanterns
Try carving one of *these* babies, Butterfingers.
DECORATIONS
-----------
Vomiting Halloween Decoration
Halloween for Geeks
Quick construction projects for geeky Halloween props.
COSTUMES
--------
Helpless Victims of Halloween
iPhone Halloween Costumes
The Horror Dome
Great costumes and creepy props.
Build the Ultimate Werewolf Costume
The 30 Most Unsettling German Halloween Costumes
CANDY AND FOOD
--------------
Ideas for Using up all that Halloween Candy
Halloween Fishsticks Graveyard
A dish that looks like a cemetery.
WITCHES
-------
The Witch's Dungeon
A Halloween wax museum with a classic horror movie theme.
Salem Witch Museum
Tacky or educational? YOU be the judge!
ZOMBIES
-------
The Zombie Survival Guide
Max Brooks provides you complete protection from the living dead.
The Zombie Infection Simulator
See how fast a population would survive if the undead attacked.
Zombie News Service
Click on this one: It's a no-brainer!
Rob Zombie's MySpace Page
Featuring the scariest hair on MySpace.
MOVIES
------
The 10 Worst Movies to Rent on Halloween
Also written by TopFive writer Danny Gallagher.
The Top 25 Horror Movies of All Time
As chosen by Time Magazine film critic Richard Corliss.
The 20 Best Halloween Movies Ever!
With video clips.
David Hedison
Star of "The Fly" and perennial foe of rubber-suited monsters.
The Astounding B-Monster
The king of B-movie tribute sites.
TV & VIDEO
----------
Your Guide to Halloween TV Programming
"The Halloween That Almost Wasn't"
1979 movie starring Judd Hirsch, Mariette Hartely and Disco Dracula.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
A Happy Tree Friends Halloween
Scariest Ghost Caught on Film!
Rowan Atkinson's Devil Welcomes You to Hell
Most Haunted Cemetery in the world
Ghosts, Spirits, and Demons -- Caught on Tape!
Scared Kid Videos
Some people (OK, it's us) find it funny when a child is
traumatized and scarred for life -- *if* it's caught on tape.
A LITERARY HALLOWEEN
--------------------
Scott T. Goudsward
Website of a Little Fiver contributor (and horror writer/editor).
The H.P. Lovecraft Archive
*The* site for Lovecraft and his works.
Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein"
Full text of the novel. And FREE!
Bram Stoker's "Dracula"
Full text of the novel. And FREE!
H.G. Well's "The Invisible Man"
Full text of the novel. And FREE!
The Barmaid Blog: All Hallows
Darth Vader makes up with his gf and duels with Jack Sparrow!
Dark Side of the Net: Halloween Ghost Stories
HAUNTINGS
---------
Ten Weird Haunted Items From eBay
Including the truly frightening Haunted Barney!
Got Ghosts?
Really, who you gonna call?
Haunted Houses
Real, honest-to-god haunted homes. Supposedly.
MISCELLANEOUS CREEPINESS
------------------------
When Cute Animals Go BAD
Murder Houses
The butler did it RIGHT HERE.
An Old-School Computer Halloween
Spooky Ruins
One person's crumbling abode is another's scary delight.
Grotesques and Gargoyles
Or just watch any episode of "The Jerry Springer Show."
Crypts and Mausoleums
Creepy resting places -- like a truck stop, only permanent.
Halloween Spelling Words
A little fun for the kiddies.
Last, and probably least...
Halloween Info at the White House
Cartoon Identification Chart
I got most of 'em, but for the life of me I can't figure out the one to the left of Snoopy.Okay, update: I think I've got 'em all now (thanks to you, troops...), but I'm still a little shaky on the one to the right of Olive Oyl. Any guesses?
(Whups - I mean to Olive's right - the one third from the right - between Olive and Snoopy...)
Give up?
Here are the answers, courtesy of Fins (in Ireland), Anonymous (when he's not out scaring Scientologists), BilWhit, Felix (at work), William and Jack:
Row 1: Mickey Mouse, Daffy Duck, Fred Flinstone, Ren & Stimpy, Bart Simpson, Spongebob Squarepants, Felix the Cat, The Roadrunner.
Row 2: Marge Simpson, Yogi Bear, Stewie Griffin ("Family Guy"), Popeye, Mr. Krabs ("Spongebob Squarepants"), Charlie Brown, Bugs Bunny, Wilma Flintstone, Mighty Mouse
Row 3: Bullwinkle, Odie, Goofy, Squidward ("Spongebob Squarepants"), Dexter ("Dexter's Laboratory"), Snoopy, Mojo Jojo ("Dexter's Laboratory"), Olive Oyl, the Pink Panther
Row 4: Betty Boop, Arnold ("Hey, Arnold!"), Casper, Sherman and Mr. Peabody ("Rocky and Bullwinkle"), Tasmanian Devil, CONTROVERSIAL ONE: Some are saying Bobby ("Bobby's World") and others are calling it Calvin ("Calvin and Hobbes") - I tend to go with Bobby -, Pinky and the Brain ("Animaniacs"), Marvin the Martian ("Looney Tunes")
Breakfast Cereal Ratings
USA Olympic Crunch
An ill-considered bit of breakfast jingoism, as evidenced by the fact that, as far as I can tell, it was only available in wholesale stores. I can see why -- USA Olympic Crunch (so named, I assume, to distinguish it from Canada Olympic Crunch) is just Lucky Charms with different shapes and about one-tenth the marshmallows. Now if they had decided to increase the number of marshmallows, perhaps inverting the cereal-marshmallow ratio, then at least it would have been a bold experiment. As-is, Patriotic Sports Puffs are not my idea of a breakfasty good time. My Grade: D
Froot Loops
One of the nicest things that ever happened to me was when a then-girlfriend took it upon herself to go through a box of Froot Loops and separate the colors. She then gave the box, each color in a separate baggie, to me. What wonders I did to deserve segregated fruit cereal, I don't know, but I experienced a thrill not unlike opening the fabled Ark of the Covenant (except without the melting face bit). At any rate, I was able to answer the Eternal Froot Loop question: Do the different colors really taste different? The long-awaited answer: sort of. A
Frosted Flakes
Cereal, sugar, box, disturbing cartoon animal, worthless premium: Frosted Flakes embody everything it means to be sugary breakfast cereal. In a world where new breakfast cereals rise up, shine briefly, and are struck down by what Adam Smith called "The invisible blood-encrusted two-by-four of the market," Frosted Flakes abide. I do want to pick one nit, though: if you were playing basketball with a skinny loser of a kid and a 6' 4" cartoon tiger with biceps the size of the giant turtle at the petting zoo, and you got your ass kicked, would you then be saying "Whoa! That kid's good!" - or would you instead be saying "We'd be doing pretty good too, if we had a giant anthropomorphic jungle cat on our side!" A-
Rice Krispies Treats
They taste better in milk than Chex Mix does, I'll give them that. And come to think of it, actual Rice Krispies treats make at least as much sense as part of this nutritious breakfast as Pop Tarts do. But strangely enough, Rice Krispies Treats Cereal doesn't taste like Rice Krispies Treats. It tastes, in a word, awful. Marshmallows don't have the most natural flavor ever to wander down the gullet, but whatever marshmallow substitute they devised to hold the amphibian-egg-sac-like clusters of Krispies together is to marshmallows as marshmallows are to fresh organic island-grown sugar cane. D-
Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch
Weird. Eerie. Peanut buttery. The thing about Peanut Butter Captain Crunch is that I don't really like it, except when I'm eating it. When I'm eating it, I compulsively wolf down the entire box at one sitting, then I go back to not liking it. It's like some early-morning Jekyll-and-Hyde routine. Here's an idea for a commercial for Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch: They have characters that want to steal the cereal, characters that want to protect the cereal, characters that are afraid the cereal will make them lose their minds; why not a character who doesn't like the cereal until some rosy-cheeked and trendily-dressed grade-schoolers shove it down his throat, at which point the character grabs the entire box and kicks and beats the children away while he chorfs down. Anyhow, I'm going to assume my cereal-eating id is correct here and give this an A-
Cocoa & Fruity Pebbles
This cereal has problems. First off, it's about the only cereal that doesn't stay crunchy in milk. It gets soggy in milk, and does so in a hurry. I've learned, over the years, to severely limit the amount of milk I add to Pebbles, lest I be forced to eat what would be more accurately called "Flaccid Rice Ovals." Secondly, they have the most God-awful commercials imaginable. I get enough of the trend of the week without seeing Barney in a trend-of-the-week costume. C-
An ill-considered bit of breakfast jingoism, as evidenced by the fact that, as far as I can tell, it was only available in wholesale stores. I can see why -- USA Olympic Crunch (so named, I assume, to distinguish it from Canada Olympic Crunch) is just Lucky Charms with different shapes and about one-tenth the marshmallows. Now if they had decided to increase the number of marshmallows, perhaps inverting the cereal-marshmallow ratio, then at least it would have been a bold experiment. As-is, Patriotic Sports Puffs are not my idea of a breakfasty good time. My Grade: D
Froot Loops
One of the nicest things that ever happened to me was when a then-girlfriend took it upon herself to go through a box of Froot Loops and separate the colors. She then gave the box, each color in a separate baggie, to me. What wonders I did to deserve segregated fruit cereal, I don't know, but I experienced a thrill not unlike opening the fabled Ark of the Covenant (except without the melting face bit). At any rate, I was able to answer the Eternal Froot Loop question: Do the different colors really taste different? The long-awaited answer: sort of. A
Frosted Flakes
Cereal, sugar, box, disturbing cartoon animal, worthless premium: Frosted Flakes embody everything it means to be sugary breakfast cereal. In a world where new breakfast cereals rise up, shine briefly, and are struck down by what Adam Smith called "The invisible blood-encrusted two-by-four of the market," Frosted Flakes abide. I do want to pick one nit, though: if you were playing basketball with a skinny loser of a kid and a 6' 4" cartoon tiger with biceps the size of the giant turtle at the petting zoo, and you got your ass kicked, would you then be saying "Whoa! That kid's good!" - or would you instead be saying "We'd be doing pretty good too, if we had a giant anthropomorphic jungle cat on our side!" A-
Rice Krispies Treats
They taste better in milk than Chex Mix does, I'll give them that. And come to think of it, actual Rice Krispies treats make at least as much sense as part of this nutritious breakfast as Pop Tarts do. But strangely enough, Rice Krispies Treats Cereal doesn't taste like Rice Krispies Treats. It tastes, in a word, awful. Marshmallows don't have the most natural flavor ever to wander down the gullet, but whatever marshmallow substitute they devised to hold the amphibian-egg-sac-like clusters of Krispies together is to marshmallows as marshmallows are to fresh organic island-grown sugar cane. D-
Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch
Weird. Eerie. Peanut buttery. The thing about Peanut Butter Captain Crunch is that I don't really like it, except when I'm eating it. When I'm eating it, I compulsively wolf down the entire box at one sitting, then I go back to not liking it. It's like some early-morning Jekyll-and-Hyde routine. Here's an idea for a commercial for Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch: They have characters that want to steal the cereal, characters that want to protect the cereal, characters that are afraid the cereal will make them lose their minds; why not a character who doesn't like the cereal until some rosy-cheeked and trendily-dressed grade-schoolers shove it down his throat, at which point the character grabs the entire box and kicks and beats the children away while he chorfs down. Anyhow, I'm going to assume my cereal-eating id is correct here and give this an A-
Cocoa & Fruity Pebbles
This cereal has problems. First off, it's about the only cereal that doesn't stay crunchy in milk. It gets soggy in milk, and does so in a hurry. I've learned, over the years, to severely limit the amount of milk I add to Pebbles, lest I be forced to eat what would be more accurately called "Flaccid Rice Ovals." Secondly, they have the most God-awful commercials imaginable. I get enough of the trend of the week without seeing Barney in a trend-of-the-week costume. C-
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Jack's O'Lantern
Jack carved his pumpkin last night - and this is what he came up with in about 20 minutes:
That's my boy!
Out of the PARK, Beamer... out of the park!
That's my boy!
Out of the PARK, Beamer... out of the park!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
How Not to Die
The Stupidest Deaths in Known History
Attila the Hun
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tycho Brahe
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition----but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Horace Wells
Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s
How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide
While experimenting with various gases during his anaesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerome Irving Rodale
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show," while discussing the benefits of organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part-way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: a heart attack. The show was never aired.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aeschylus
A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head
According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempted to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim Fixx
Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack....while jogging
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Francis Bacon
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.
Attila the Hun
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tycho Brahe
An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.
How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time
In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder condition----but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Horace Wells
Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s
How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide
While experimenting with various gases during his anaesthesia research, Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jerome Irving Rodale
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show," while discussing the benefits of organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part-way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: a heart attack. The show was never aired.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aeschylus
A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father of Greek tragedies.
How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head
According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempted to crack them open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim Fixx
Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the jogging craze of the 1970s.
How he died: A heart attack....while jogging
Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99% clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Francis Bacon
One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare's plays.
How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken
One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.
New Orleans update
So - made the obligatory trip to Café Du Monde in the French Quarter, and scarfed down some INCREDIBLE beignetsOh, Lord...
Then it was back to Bourbon Street to try a glass of Absinthe. I did it in the traditional matter, with burning a cube of sugar on a spoon above the glass, and then pouring water over the sugar and into the liquor.
Okay... I'm heading home now... more posts tomorrow...
If I can remember where I live...
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Off to New Orleans!
Outside of Seattle, The Big Easy is absolutely my favorite place to visit. There's not as many people, post-Katrina, down in the French Quarter, but it's still a rockin' place.
I always try to do something touristy when I visit - obviously hitting places like Pat O'Brien's and the Cat's Meow, or doing the Voodoo Graveyard Tour. I haven't done the Alligator Swamp Tour yet - I think that's next on the list (but since this is a training seminar, I'll probably have to wait for the next time).
Anyway, with all that in mind, bear with me if the next couple of days' posts are spotty (or incomprehensible - that's a STRONG probability). For the Best People in the World (you know who you are), I offer the following:
You Know You’re From New Orleans When…
You know that the phrase, "Hey! Where you at?" is a greeting, not a question.
You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads.
You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils.
When you give directions you use “lakeside and riverside’ not north & south.
Your ancestors are buried above the ground.
You get on a green trolley car to go to the park and a red one to the French Quarter.
You listen to holiday songs such as “the 12 yats of Christmas” and “Santa and his reindeer used to live next door.”
You walk on the “banquet” and stand in the “neutral ground” “by ya mommas.”
Someone asks for directions and you stop and help them with a smile.
You start an angel food cake with a roux.
You think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids.
You think boudin, hogshead cheese, and a Bud is a bland diet.
You think Ground Hog Day and the Boucherie Festival are the same holiday.
You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco.
Fred’s Lounge in Mamou means more to you than the Grand Ole Opry.
You have an *envie* for something instead of a craving.
You use a “#3″ washtub to cover your lawn mower or your outboard motor.
You use two or more pirogues to cover your tomatoes to protect them from the late frost.
You use a gill net to play tennis, badminton, or volleyball.
The horsepower of your outboard motor is greater than that of your car motor.
You pass up a trip abroad to go to the Crawfish Festival in Breaux Bridge.
You are asked to name the holy trinity and your reply is “onions, celery, bell pepper.”
You let your black coffee cool, and find that it has gelled.
You describe a link of boudin and cracklins as “breakfast.”
Every once in a while, you have waterfront property.
Your mama announces each morning, “Well, I’ve got the rice cooking …what will we have for dinner?”
None of your potential vacation destinations are north of the old Mississippi River Bridge (US 190).
You refer to Louisiana winters as “Gumbo Weather.”
You get a disappointing look from your wife and describe it as, “She passed me a pair of eyes.”
You think of gravy as a beverage.
You greet your long lost friend at the Lafayette Regional Airport with “AAAAAAAYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”
You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says, “Don’t eat the dead ones,” and you know what he means.
You learned Bourre the hard way: Holding yourself upright in your crib.
You don’t know the real names of your friends, only their nicknames.
You give up Tabasco for Lent.
You worry about a deceased family member returning in spring floods.
You don’t learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras throws.
You leave a parade with footprints on your hands.
You believe that purple, green, and gold look good together
Your last name isn’t pronounced the way it’s spelled.
You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.
You like both your rice and your politics dirty.
No matter where else you go in the world, you are always disappointed in the food.
Your loved one dies and you book a jazz band before you call the coroner.
Your accent sounds nothing like Harry Connick, Jr’s.
You can sing these jingles by heart: “Rosenberg’s, Rosenberg’s, 1825 Tulane;” “At the beach, at the beach, the Pontchartrain Beach…”
You ask, “How they running?” and “Are they fat?” but, you’re inquiring about seafood quality and not the Crescent City Classic.
When a hurricane is imminent, you have a lot more faith in Nash Roberts than some Super Doppler 6000.
Your town is low on the education chart, high on the obesity chart and you don’t care because you’re No. 1 on the party chart.
Nothing shocks you. Period. Ever.
Being in a jam at Tulane and Broad isn’t the same as being stuck in traffic.
Your idea of "health food" is a baked potato instead of fries with your seafood platter.
You have to take your coffee and favorite coffeemaker with you on a three-day trip.
You have sno-ball stains on your shoes.
You call tomato sauce “red gravy.”
Your middle name is your mother’s maiden name, or your father’s mother’s maiden name, or your mother’s mother’s maiden name, or your grandmother’s mother’s maiden name, or your grandfather’s mother’s maiden name.
On certain spring days, Crawfish Monica is your breakfast.
Your house payment is less than your utility bill.
You’ve done your laundry in a bar.
You don’t show your “pretties” during Mardi Gras.
You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease.
You “boo” the mayor on national television.
You wear sweaters in because it ought to be cold.
Your grandparents are called “Maw-Maw” and “Paw-Paw.”
Your Santa Claus rides an alligator and your favorite Saint is a football player.
You suck heads, eat tail, sing the blues and you actually know where you got them shoes.
You shake out your shoes before putting them on.
You don’t think it inappropriate to refer to a large adult male as “Li’l Bubba.”
You know why you should never, ever swim by the Lake Pontchartrain steps (for more than one reason).
You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun accent in a “New Orleans-based” movie or TV show.
You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm.
You waste more time navigating back streets than you would if you just sat in traffic.
You still call the Fairmont Hotel "the Roosevelt."
You consider garbage cans a legal step to protecting your parking space on a public street.
You fall asleep to the soothing sounds of four box fans.
Your one-martini lunch becomes a five-bloody mary afternoon… and you keep your job.
You’re walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer. When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.
You refer to people older than you as Mr or Mrs. and their first name.
You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you’ve eaten.
"I Wish I Could Go Back to College"
This past summer, the boys and I saw the musical "Avenue Q" onstage in Seattle. It's sort of like an R-rated Sesame Street, and it's screamingly hilarious. Jack's the one who initially discovered it (he found a CD of his mom's, listened to it, got hooked, and then hooked William and me).
Anyway, last night the boys' high school put on their first stage production of the season called "A Showcase of Talent," 38 kids (mostly freshmen and sophomores) did a 3-hour song-and dance talent show. All of them were fun to watch, and some were simply amazing - you'll see them on Broadway someday.
Jack ponders what it might be like to go back to happier times with "I Wish I Could Go Back to College" from Avenue Q. Go, Jackie!
Anyway, last night the boys' high school put on their first stage production of the season called "A Showcase of Talent," 38 kids (mostly freshmen and sophomores) did a 3-hour song-and dance talent show. All of them were fun to watch, and some were simply amazing - you'll see them on Broadway someday.
Jack ponders what it might be like to go back to happier times with "I Wish I Could Go Back to College" from Avenue Q. Go, Jackie!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Spam Stuff
• SPAM, possibly a contraction of "spiced ham", was named by actor Kenneth Daigneau, the brother of R. H. Daigneau, a former Hormel Foods vice president. When other meatpackers started introducing similar products, Jay C. Hormel decided to create a catchy brand name to give his spiced ham an unforgettable identity, offering a $100 prize to the person who came up with a new name. At a New Year's Eve Party in 1936, Daigneau, suggested the name SPAM.
• Jay C. Hormel, son of the company's founder, was determined to find a use for several thousand pounds of surplus pork shoulder. He developed a distinctive canned blend of chopped pork and ham known as Hormel spiced ham that didn't require refrigeration.
• SPAM luncheon meat was hailed as the "miracle meat," and its shelf-stable attributes attracted the attention of the United States military during World War II. By 1940, 70 percent of Americans had tried it, and Hormel hired George Burns and Gracie Allen to advertise SPAM on their radio show.
• On March 22, 1994, Hormel Foods Corporation celebrated the production of its five billionth can of SPAM.
• If laid end to end, five billion cans of SPAM would circle the earth 12.5 times.
• Five billion cans of SPAM would feed a family of four, three meals a day for 4,566,210 years.
• 100 million pounds of SPAM were issued as a Lend-Lease staple in the rations to American, Russian, and European troops during World War II, fueling the Normandy Invasion. GIs called SPAM "ham that failed the physical." General Dwight D. Eisenhower confessed to "a few unkind words about it - uttered during the strain of battle."
• Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, as a young woman of 18 working in her family's grocery store, remembers SPAM as a "wartime delicacy."
• In Khrushchev Remembers, Nikita Khrushchev credited SPAM for keeping the Soviet Army alive during World War II. "We had lost our most fertile, food-bearing lands, the Ukraine and the Northern Caucasians. Without SPAM, we wouldn't have been able to feed our army."
• In the 1980s, David Letterman suggested SPAM-On-A-Rope for his Late Night audience "in case you get hungry in the shower."
• When Vernon Tejas made his solo winter ascent of Mount McKinley in 1988, he took a picture of himself with a can of SPAM at the summit.
• Hormel Foods Board Chairman R. L. Knowlton presented with a can of SPAM to Mikhail Gorbachev in June 1990 and another can of SPAM to Boris Yeltsin in June 1992.
• The Pentagon sent approximately $2 million worth of SPAM to United States troops during the Gulf War.
• South Koreans consider SPAM an upscale food. The Wall Street Journal reported that a Seoul executive in search of the perfect present bought SPAM, explaining, "It is an impressive gift."
• Anthropologist Jane Goodall and her mother once made 2,000 SPAM sandwiches for Belgian troops fleeing from their African colony.
• SPAM can be grilled, pan-fried, broiled, sautéed, and baked, or added to ethnic dishes, sandwiches, pasta salads, pizzas, casseroles, stir-fry dishes, appetizers, and soups.
• The Ala Moana Poi Bow in Honolulu serves SPAM musubi and SPAM, eggs, and rice.
• The Green Midget Cafe, created by Monty Python's Flying Circus, serves "egg and SPAM; egg, bacon and SPAM; egg, bacon, sausage and SPAM; SPAM, bacon, sausage and SPAM; SPAM, egg, SPAM, SPAM, bacon and SPAM; SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, egg and SPAM; SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, baked beans, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, and SPAM; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle paté, brandy and a fried egg on top and SPAM."
• Mr. Whitekeys' Fly By Night Club in Spenard, Alaska, offers Cajun SPAM, SPAM nachos, and pasta with SPAM and sun-dried tomatoes in cream sauce.
• The winning recipes from the 1992 State Fair Best of SPAM Recipe Competition included SPAM Mousse, SPAM Golden Harvest Clam Chowder, and SPAM Cheesecake.
• A SPAMBURGER, "the only hamburger actually made with ham," can be made by grilling, pan frying, or broiling a slice of SPAM, and then layering the slice with lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, and cheese on a hamburger bun.
• Hormel Foods' cookbook, "The Great Taste of SPAM," includes recipes for SPAM Stew with Buttermilk Topping, SPAM Fajitas, and SPAM Strudels with Mustard Sauce.
• 68 state and regional fairs hold Hormel Foods-sanctioned SPAM recipe contests each year.
• In Hawaii, Maui Mall hosts an annual SPAM cookoff.
• Austin, Texas, has been home to the Spamorama barbecue and cooking contest since 1974.
• Seattle, Washington, hosts a yearly SPAM luncheon meat celebration.
• The SPAM Jamboree, held every Fourth of July weekend in Austin, Minnesota, is the only SPAM event Hormel officially sponsors.
• At the 1983 Spamposium, 33 self-proclaimed Spamophiles gathered from across the nation to deliver scholarly papers and demonstrations, including making explosives from SPAM.
• Americans consume 113 million cans of SPAM a year.
• The average Hawaiian eats twelve cans of SPAM a year, followed by the average Alaskan with six cans, and Texans, Alabamians, and Arkansans with three cans apiece.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road (Redux)
(Apparently this has been floating around the Internets. I haven’t seen it yet, so I assume some of you haven’t either)
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, Senator Obama just doesn’t understand that this chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN: Because, guys and gals, in this great country of ours, we have to constantly be on guard for the anti-American types here who want to attack our basic rights to fungible commodities like chickens and the like, and also turn, you betcha, to have the freedom to go ahead and by golly CROSS that road and John McCain and I are a couple of mavericks, and also if I am so blessed to be sworn in as your vice president in January, then I’ll just hafta by golly look a little harder to see Russia from my house. Putin.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from day one that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: #$%^!! chicken! Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions bit it is true that I was for it before I was against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that intewesting? In a few moments, we wiw be listening to the chicken tew, for the first time, the heart warming stowy of how it expewienced a sewious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of cwossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, Senator Obama just doesn’t understand that this chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
SARAH PALIN: Because, guys and gals, in this great country of ours, we have to constantly be on guard for the anti-American types here who want to attack our basic rights to fungible commodities like chickens and the like, and also turn, you betcha, to have the freedom to go ahead and by golly CROSS that road and John McCain and I are a couple of mavericks, and also if I am so blessed to be sworn in as your vice president in January, then I’ll just hafta by golly look a little harder to see Russia from my house. Putin.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from day one that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: #$%^!! chicken! Where's my gun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of crossing?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions bit it is true that I was for it before I was against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmers Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that intewesting? In a few moments, we wiw be listening to the chicken tew, for the first time, the heart warming stowy of how it expewienced a sewious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of cwossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Proving Once Again That Bacon Really Does Make Everything Better
There's no better way to supe up an apple pie than with some cinnamon bacon. Unless, of course, you create a lattice work of cinnamon bacon on top. The recipe can be found here
The World's Only Two Sub-Atomic Particle Jokes
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender looks at him and says, "For you, no charge."
~~~~~
Two atoms are walking down the street and they bump into each other. The first one says, "Barney! How the heck are you doing?
The second one says, "Aw, gee... not too good. I lost an electron the other day."
The first one says, "Oh wow - are you sure?"
The second one says, "Yeah, I'm positive."
The bartender looks at him and says, "For you, no charge."
~~~~~
Two atoms are walking down the street and they bump into each other. The first one says, "Barney! How the heck are you doing?
The second one says, "Aw, gee... not too good. I lost an electron the other day."
The first one says, "Oh wow - are you sure?"
The second one says, "Yeah, I'm positive."
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
It's Website Wednesday (again)
Check out this week's mailing here
Or subscribe to your own - just email skip@skiptucker.com and ask to be put on the list. If you have any cool websites you want to be considered, send 'em along!
Or subscribe to your own - just email skip@skiptucker.com and ask to be put on the list. If you have any cool websites you want to be considered, send 'em along!
Useful Spanish Phrases
I wouldn’t consider myself “bi-lingual,” but I took Spanish in High School and College, and living in Southern California necessitates being able to speak at least “Jack Spanish.” I can get by in most situations as long as the other person speaks relatively slowly. If they start speaking too fast, I’ll get William or Jack to translate (they speak fluent Spanish AND French. Show offs). Anyway, I thought it might be helpful to post some
Useful Spanish Phrases
PodrÃa usted darnos Sr. Jarman del rubor de la cortesÃa?
Could you give us a courtesy flush Mr. Jarman?
Cómo su momma está haciendo?
How's your momma doing?
Usted desea conseguir ocupado detrás del centro de Appletree?
Do you want to get busy behind the Appletree Center?
Esa alineada no le hace la grasa de la mirada. Usted es gorda!
That dress doesn't make you look fat. You are fat!
Cuándo conseguimos pagados?
When do we get paid?
Tengo que ir a casa y quitar las ruedas de mi casa
I have to go home and take the wheels off of my house.
El hombre me está guardando abajo!
The man is keeping me down!
La marijuana está para mi oficial del glaucoma
The marijuana is for my glaucoma, officer
Es mejor tener amó y perdió que ser pegado con la hembra!
Is better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with the bitch!
Huela mi dedo!
Smell my finger!
Tire di mi dedo
Pull my finger
Algo huele todo el pie y asno para arriba adentro aquÃ!
Something smells all foot and ass up in here!
No tome por favor este azotar del asno personal
Please don't take this ass-whupping personal
Su hermana tiene un bigote encantador
Your sister has a lovely moustache
FÃjeme una empanada del crisol del pollo, hembra!
Fix me a chicken pot pie, bitch!
Obtenga al Capataz, yo acabo de aplastar mis pelotas
Get the foreman, I have just crushed my balls.
Necesito una libra de la mala hierba y de algún Doritos por favor
I need a pound of weed and some Doritos please
Hágase útiles y tráigame una cerveza!
Make yourself useful and bring me a beer!
El oficial del control del estacionamiento debe morir!
The parking control officer must die!
Puedo conseguir una danza del vector aquÃ?
Can I get a table dance over here?
Ese equipo apenas grita el parque del acoplado
That outfit just screams trailer park
Le cuento puedo hacerme algunas galletas
I reckon you can make me some biscuits
Bese mi asno entero!
Kiss my entire ass!
Oficial, jero que no es mi mala hierba
Officer, I swear that is NOT my weed!
En dónde están todas las mujeres blancas?
Where are all the white women at?
Caballeros!!! Está de nuevo a mi lugar para el tequila, las mujeres flojas y el bowling enano!!!
Gentlemen!!! It's back to my place for tequila, loose women and dwarf bowling!!!
Soy cansado y mis bolas pican
I'm tired and my balls itch.
Quién cortó el queso?
Who cut the cheese?
Quisiera fijar la fianza por favor
I would like to post bail please
Sostenga mi cerveza y mire éste
Hold my beer and watch this
Hey Bebé!!! Desee conseguir afortunado?
Hey Baby!!! Want to get lucky?
Usted tiene gusto el papel o el plástico?
Would you like paper or plastic?
Usted tienen gusto de las fritadas con eso?
Do you want fries with that?
Vayamos a Harpo para una sola malta y un Cohiba agradable
Let's go to Harpo's for a single malt and a fine Cohiba
Ai, so dejó una marca de la resbalón?
Oooh, did that leave a skid mark?
Sr. cuidadoso juez, esa barbacoa de los equipos prueba como tope
Careful Mr. Judge, that team's BBQ tastes like butt
Los vaqueros aspirarán este año
The Cowboys will suck this year
Ese salsa caliente me ha rasgado un recto nuevo.
That hot salsa has torn me a new rectum.
No nos estamos yendo hasta que estamos levantando.
We're not leaving til we're heaving.
Mueva rápidamente a muchachos. El concreto tiene comenzar a endurecer!
Move quickly boys. The concrete has started to harden!
Gracias, conduzca por favor a través.
Thank you, please drive through.
Divisas? No necesitamos ninguna divisa que apesta!
Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!
Pero el oficial, mis luces del freno trabajaba correctamente anterior.
But officer, my brake lights were working properly earlier.
Estoy aqui fijar la fianza para Skip Tucker
I am here to post bail for Skip Tucker
Useful Spanish Phrases
PodrÃa usted darnos Sr. Jarman del rubor de la cortesÃa?
Could you give us a courtesy flush Mr. Jarman?
Cómo su momma está haciendo?
How's your momma doing?
Usted desea conseguir ocupado detrás del centro de Appletree?
Do you want to get busy behind the Appletree Center?
Esa alineada no le hace la grasa de la mirada. Usted es gorda!
That dress doesn't make you look fat. You are fat!
Cuándo conseguimos pagados?
When do we get paid?
Tengo que ir a casa y quitar las ruedas de mi casa
I have to go home and take the wheels off of my house.
El hombre me está guardando abajo!
The man is keeping me down!
La marijuana está para mi oficial del glaucoma
The marijuana is for my glaucoma, officer
Es mejor tener amó y perdió que ser pegado con la hembra!
Is better to have loved and lost than to be stuck with the bitch!
Huela mi dedo!
Smell my finger!
Tire di mi dedo
Pull my finger
Algo huele todo el pie y asno para arriba adentro aquÃ!
Something smells all foot and ass up in here!
No tome por favor este azotar del asno personal
Please don't take this ass-whupping personal
Su hermana tiene un bigote encantador
Your sister has a lovely moustache
FÃjeme una empanada del crisol del pollo, hembra!
Fix me a chicken pot pie, bitch!
Obtenga al Capataz, yo acabo de aplastar mis pelotas
Get the foreman, I have just crushed my balls.
Necesito una libra de la mala hierba y de algún Doritos por favor
I need a pound of weed and some Doritos please
Hágase útiles y tráigame una cerveza!
Make yourself useful and bring me a beer!
El oficial del control del estacionamiento debe morir!
The parking control officer must die!
Puedo conseguir una danza del vector aquÃ?
Can I get a table dance over here?
Ese equipo apenas grita el parque del acoplado
That outfit just screams trailer park
Le cuento puedo hacerme algunas galletas
I reckon you can make me some biscuits
Bese mi asno entero!
Kiss my entire ass!
Oficial, jero que no es mi mala hierba
Officer, I swear that is NOT my weed!
En dónde están todas las mujeres blancas?
Where are all the white women at?
Caballeros!!! Está de nuevo a mi lugar para el tequila, las mujeres flojas y el bowling enano!!!
Gentlemen!!! It's back to my place for tequila, loose women and dwarf bowling!!!
Soy cansado y mis bolas pican
I'm tired and my balls itch.
Quién cortó el queso?
Who cut the cheese?
Quisiera fijar la fianza por favor
I would like to post bail please
Sostenga mi cerveza y mire éste
Hold my beer and watch this
Hey Bebé!!! Desee conseguir afortunado?
Hey Baby!!! Want to get lucky?
Usted tiene gusto el papel o el plástico?
Would you like paper or plastic?
Usted tienen gusto de las fritadas con eso?
Do you want fries with that?
Vayamos a Harpo para una sola malta y un Cohiba agradable
Let's go to Harpo's for a single malt and a fine Cohiba
Ai, so dejó una marca de la resbalón?
Oooh, did that leave a skid mark?
Sr. cuidadoso juez, esa barbacoa de los equipos prueba como tope
Careful Mr. Judge, that team's BBQ tastes like butt
Los vaqueros aspirarán este año
The Cowboys will suck this year
Ese salsa caliente me ha rasgado un recto nuevo.
That hot salsa has torn me a new rectum.
No nos estamos yendo hasta que estamos levantando.
We're not leaving til we're heaving.
Mueva rápidamente a muchachos. El concreto tiene comenzar a endurecer!
Move quickly boys. The concrete has started to harden!
Gracias, conduzca por favor a través.
Thank you, please drive through.
Divisas? No necesitamos ninguna divisa que apesta!
Badges? We don't need no stinking badges!
Pero el oficial, mis luces del freno trabajaba correctamente anterior.
But officer, my brake lights were working properly earlier.
Estoy aqui fijar la fianza para Skip Tucker
I am here to post bail for Skip Tucker
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers
Because of my job, I travel all the time. You probably already know that the different airlines have varying levels for their frequent-flyer programs: Silver, Gold, Platinum. Right now I'm at the "Plutonium" level. When the airlines see ME coming, they draw straws.
When I was a kid, I thought that jet-setting to all of these exotic locales for business would be an exhilarating, exciting way to make a living. You quickly find, however, that the nicest jet, even in First Class, is little more than a Greyhound Bus in the Sky. Now, after logging well over a million miles, I've (reluctantly) learned to deal with some of the more absurd aspects of airline travel.
- Murphy's Laws for Frequent Flyers
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
(from the lovely and talented Miss Cellania)
Monday, October 20, 2008
A Comparison of Endorsements for McCain and Obama
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Quick Thinking
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major big shots of Rome. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman without a bikini top strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me."
He went back to gathering the snails, when all of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment, a way down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and muggy that he was exhausted afterward and passed out.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of the apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all up and down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails now crawling all over the steps, looked at his wife and then back at the snails and yelled:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman without a bikini top strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me."
He went back to gathering the snails, when all of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment, a way down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and muggy that he was exhausted afterward and passed out.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of the apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all up and down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails now crawling all over the steps, looked at his wife and then back at the snails and yelled:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
The Tale of the Bronze Rat
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display, he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. Strangely, he feels drawn to it. The sculpture is so interesting, realistic and compelling that he picks it up and asks the shop owner its price.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story of its frightening secret."
"You can keep the story, old man,"the tourist replies with a sneer, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and when he sees the waterfront in the distance at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the huge swarm of rats--now not just thousands, but millions--stay just behind, squealing hideously as he nears the water. By the time he sees the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Rushing toward the water, he makes a mighty leap, jumping up onto a light post... grasping it with one arm as with the other he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging tightly to the light post, he watches in both horror and amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Bay, where they drown in huge numbers and disappear into its cold depths... not to be seen again.
Shaken and mumbling to himself about the terrible experience he has just witnessed, he makes his way back to the antique shop where he bought the bronze rat, the seed of a new idea forming in his mind.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," the tourist says in a hope-filled voice, "I was wondering if you might also have a bronze Republican?"
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Grape Racing!
This is really something for a rainy day, so long as you're equipped with the essentials. What you need is a microwave oven, some grapes, a small measure of sunflower oil and some friends with whom to compete.
The idea is thus.
First, if the microwave is of the type that has one of those silly rotating dish-like things, which rotates your food to make sure it gets cooked evenly, then TAKE IT OUT and THROW IT AWAY. You won't need it for this game and, if you get addicted enough, you probably won't use your microwave for anything else, so you won't need that dish thing ever again.
OK, next, lightly cover the floor of the microwave with a SMALL amount of sunflower oil. Just generally spread it about, to make a thin, lubricating layer, on which a grape may skate about. Try it with a practice grape to make sure you've got it right. Then, line up a number of grapes at one side of the oven, with one grape corresponding to each player. Important tip here - MAKE SURE THAT THE END WITH THE HOLE IN IT IS POINTING AT THE WALL. This is really quite fundamentally important. Next, lay bets - or whatever - on your grape, that it will win/lose/finish in a particular position or state/whatever. Then, set the microwave to full power, and switch on.
What happens is that the inside of the grape heats up, liquefies, and acts as a jet propellant to push the grape along the lubricated floor of the microwave as it shoots out the hole at the back. Thus, each grape travels with varying degrees of speed and/or success across the floor of the microwave. The first to reach the other side of the microwave is judged to be the winner, or, failing this, the one to travel the furthest. Some grapes don't make it even this far, and either shrivel up or explode messily on the starting line, but this just adds to the fun. Remember to switch off the microwave and remove the competitors before replacing them for the next round.
The game can be varied according to players and their individual tastes, like "Strip Grape Races" for example, or "Stunt Grapes" where the grape must perform a task like jumping over other grapes, etc. These, and other variations, should keep you and your friends amused for hours.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Murphy's Law's of Combat
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way.
5. The easy way is always mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
...a. when you're ready for them.
...b. when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone.
19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
It's Website Wednesday
Check out this week's mailing here
Or subscribe to your own - just email skip@skiptucker.com and ask to be put on the list. If you have any cool websites you want to be considered, send 'em along!
Or subscribe to your own - just email skip@skiptucker.com and ask to be put on the list. If you have any cool websites you want to be considered, send 'em along!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
How to Sing the Blues
HOW TO SING THE BLUES1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line.
I got a good woman-
with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Sarah Palin
and he weighs about 500 pounds.
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin'
plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot
a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.
Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. weekend in the Hamptons
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So
is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in
an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a
liposuction treatment.
16. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
17. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to
sing the blues no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.
17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.)
Mix and Match
- --
- --
Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone:
"I didn't wake up this morning"
OPENING LINE-
-------------------
Good: "Got me a woman..."
Better: "Woke up this mornin'..."
Bad: "Sunshine...on my shoulder..."
GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION-
---------------------
Good: Chicago
Better: St. Louis or Kansas City
Bad: Martha's Vineyard
BUILDING-
----------
Good: Cheap hotel
Better: Shotgun shack
Bad: Symphony Hall
MISFORTUNE-
-----------
Good: "...down n' out"
Better: "...old lady done me wrong"
Bad: "...HMO don't cover hair plugs"
WOMAN'S NAME-
-------------
Good: Sadie
Better: Bessie
Bad: Sierra
CAR-
--------------
Good: Chevy
Better: Cadillac
Bad: Daihatsu
OTHER TRANSPORTATION-
---------------------
Good: Greyhound bus
Better: southbound train
Bad: Vanpool
ACTIVITY-
----------------------
Good: "Jus' walkin'"
Better: "Fixin' to Die"
Bad: "Readin' the Wall Street Journal"
FOOD-
------
Good: Biscuits n' gravy
Better: Ribs
Bad: Tofu
DRINK-
-------
Good: Sloe gin
Better: Straight whiskey
Bad: Frappucino
CRIME YOU'RE GUILTY OF-
------------------------
Good: Fightin' in the strrets again
Better: Shooting a man in Memphis
Bad: Greenpeace demonstration gone wrong
KIND OF BLUES YOU GOT:
--------------------------
Good: Woman-done-leff-agin
Better: two-ain't-too-many-women-for-me
Bad: Levis 501
FINANCIAL STATUS:
-----------------
Good: Broke
Better: Flat Broke
Bad: 401K and the market crash
Where you spent your last five dollars:
---------------------------------------
Good: Two packs of cigarettes, and a cup of joe
Better: On a two-dollar woman
Bad: Money Market CD
What kind of woman you got:
---------------------------
Good: long-legged
Better: cold-hearted
Bad: hairy-chested
Kind of man I am:
---------------------------
Good: Hard-headed
Better: hard-drinking'
Bad: Vaguely effeminate
How she done me wrong:
----------------------------
Good: left me 'lone
Better: took the money and run
Bad: quit weight watchers
What I might as well do:
----------------------------
Good: roll over and die
Better: keep playing these blues 'till I die
Bad: try to resuscitate that man in Memphis, 'fore he dies
CAUSE OF DEATH-
-----------------------------
Good: Stabbed in the back by jealous lover
Better: Electric chair after shooting a man in Memphis
Bad: Silicon breast implant rupture
Rachel Maddow on the "prevaricating, mendacious truth-stretcher..."
(Skipnote: Rachel Maddow is my new favorite journalist)
Monday, October 13, 2008
My Conversations with Jesus
Skipnote: I actually ran this last year, but I think it bears repeating...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and orange juice along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me today after a particularly long trip and doing two seminars back to back. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You have two wonderful sons, and you work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and orange juice along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me today after a particularly long trip and doing two seminars back to back. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You have two wonderful sons, and you work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
Spanish Word of the Day
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Yo, when all mi familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My girlfriend wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE
Some guy tried to sweet talk my woman. I told him, 'Yo loco, liver
alone, cheese mine!'
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JULY
Ju tole me ju were goin to the store and July to me!
Julyer!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER
I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn't wafer me!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES
I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: TISSUE
I told you if you didn't know how to do it, I could tissue.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: CASHEW
I was running after you but I couldn't cashew!
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: BISHOP
We went out to the club y mi vieja got drunk and fell down, so I had to
pick the bishop.
SPANISH WORD OF THE DAY: JUICY
Hey man, I'm looking for Paco, tell me if juicy him!
(Tip O'the sombrero to Amy)
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Communication Breakthrough
An American man is riding a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. The seatmate asks if the American has children. The American says no.
"Ah, so sad," says the European. "Your wife, she is impregnable?"
"Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the American.
"Oh!" interrupts the European. "I mean, she is inconceivable?"
"Um, not quite --" the American begins, only to be interrupted again.
"Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European. "She is, what is it, she is unbearable?"
"Well, actually, that's pretty much sums it up," says the American.
"Ah, so sad," says the European. "Your wife, she is impregnable?"
"Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the American.
"Oh!" interrupts the European. "I mean, she is inconceivable?"
"Um, not quite --" the American begins, only to be interrupted again.
"Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European. "She is, what is it, she is unbearable?"
"Well, actually, that's pretty much sums it up," says the American.
"An Ode to Sean Hannity" by John Cleese
Aping urbanity
Oozing with vanity
Plump as a manatee
Faking humanity
Journalistic calamity
Intellectual inanity
Fox Noise insanity
You're a profanity
Hannity
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Surfing Through
I went to The Other Venice Film Festival today and finally got to see "Surfing Through," a film produced and directed by my friend and co-worker, Chloe Webb. It's a documentary about three women with 4th-Stage cancer (two with breast cancer, one with ovarian) who cope with the pain and fear and chemotherapy through surfing (hence the title).
Incredible footage and three stories that are told without a hint of self pity or hopelessness. These are three women who know they are going to die soon, but have this amazing connection with life and the sea.
Two other films were shown, as well - "When the Spirit Moves You," a short film on a performance group at Venice Beach, and an untitled documentary about the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Both were excellent, but Surfing Through was stellar. You nailed it, Sparky. Outstanding job.
George's Golf Joke
Steve stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed like an eternity.
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Steve explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'
His companion exclaimed. 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here!'
(Your politics suck, George, but you've got some great jokes)
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Steve explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'
His companion exclaimed. 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here!'
(Your politics suck, George, but you've got some great jokes)
10 Ways to Eat More BACON!
Metallica’s tour rider notes: BACON VERY IMPORTANT THAT BACON BE AVAILABLE AT EVERY MEAL AND DURING DAY. [Caps are theirs.] Yes, bacon sure does rock. It’s crunchy, salty, and incredibly versatile. What other ingredient could fill the needs of every meal, whether chopped and sprinkled on a salad, served fresh out of the frying pan alongside a platter of scrambled eggs and hash browns, or even made into a sweet-salty dessert? Or incorporated into one of these more unusual foods:
1. Maple-Bacon Lollipops. Courtesy of online retailer Lollyphile, they include generous chunks of bacon encased in a maple-syrup shell, delivering a full maple-syrup-drenched pancake-and-bacon breakfast in candy form.2. Chocolate-Covered Bacon. There are chocolate-covered peanuts, chocolate-covered raisins, chocolate-covered pretzels—so why not chocolate-covered bacon? If you pass through Santa Cruz, California, stop by Marini’s on the Beach Boardwalk for its version, or try Mo’s Bacon Bar from Vosges Haut-Chocolat, featuring bits of applewood-smoked bacon and smoked salt immersed in a rich milk-chocolate bar.
3. Bacon Chocolate-Chip Cookies. Conceived of by Andrea Hockett, author of the blog Never Bashful with Butter, they include bacon chunks and a topping of maple frosting with a bacon garnish, and were an instant Internet hit. However, 10 percent of her readers, says Hockett, complained that the cookies “weren’t bacony enough.”4. Bacon-and-Egg Ice Cream. One of the most memorable menu items at London’s triple-Michelin-starred restaurant the Fat Duck is the Smoked-Bacon-and-Egg Ice Cream, Tomato Jam, Salted Butter Caramel, Caramelized Brioche, and Tea Jelly—a complete English breakfast, deconstructed for dessert. If you feel compelled to try it at home, check out Chef Heston Blumenthal’s step-by-step video.
5. Chicken-Fried Bacon. At the Sodolak’s Original Country Inn in Snook, Texas, you can buy a steak twice the size of your head—but the true highlight is the appetizer platter of chicken-fried bacon. The bacon is dipped in seasoned batter and deep-fried, then served piping hot with a side dish of cream gravy. Check out this news report about the dish from Texas Country Reporter.
6. Bacon Vodka. If your cocktails seem a little lightweight, it might be time to meaten them up with some bacon-infused vodka. This intoxicating brew is easy enough to make at home with a few strips of cooked bacon and a bottle of store-bought vodka—visit the food blog Brownie Points for DIY directions—or if you’d rather imbibe on the town, bacon-flavored vodka is available at Baltimore’s Captain Larry’s Bar and Grill and Jake’s Dixie Roadhouse in Waltham, Massachusetts, where the liquor is used to beef up the popular Bloody Marys. Or try a bacon martini in Vegas or New Orleans.
7. Bacon-Wrapped Tofu. Food blogger Makiko Itoh of Just Hungry decided to bring the two ingredients together because she believed that “tofu was getting bashed too much, and bacon revered too much.” She wanted “to show how a marriage between the two could work.” Or try this: Next time you order a veggie burger in a restaurant, get it topped with bacon—what we like to call “The Hypocrite.”8. Fool’s Gold Loaf. This specialty from the late Colorado Gold Mine Restaurant features an entire loaf of Italian bread hollowed out and filled with peanut butter, grape jelly, and a full pound of fried bacon. The loaf technically serves 8 to 10 people—but its most famous fan, Elvis, would often chow down on the 42,000-calorie sandwich alone, as a midnight snack. Serious Eats has the recipe.
9. Bacon-Wrapped Tater Tots. Get your fix of meat and potatoes in the same bite with these delicious snacks from the ode-to-all-things-bacon blog Bacon Unwrapped. Blogger Heather Lauer’s rendition features wild boar bacon, but the traditional variety should work just as well.
10. BLT Salad in a “Bacontainer.” Bacon is more than a simple ingredient: It can also serve as a bowl, as in this creative dish from Megan Reardon of the DIY blog Not Martha. In devising her dish for a fellow food blogger’s bacon potluck party, Reardon wrapped raw bacon around the bottoms of muffin tins and baked them in the oven, then filled the bacon cups with a lettuce-and-tomato salad. Although she received many suggestions for other fillers, such as eggs, potato salad, and meatloaf, “I’m a little afraid that anything other than a salad veers dangerously into territory otherwise reserved for KFC Famous Bowls and deep-fried things you can find at county fairs,” she says.(via Chow.com)
Friday, October 10, 2008
"When fascism comes to America, it will come wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross." - Sinclair Lewis
Esquire said it best in their endorsement of Obama:
More than any other recent election, we are voting this year not merely for a president but to overthrow two governments. The one we can see is the one in which constitutional order has been defaced, the national spirit degraded, and the country unrecognizable because so much of the best of itself has been sold off or frittered away. The other one is the far more insidious one, a doppelgänger nation of black prisons, shredded memos, and secret justifications for even more secret crimes.
Cooking Terminology
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the food is removed, but when it is put in.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
(via)
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the food is removed, but when it is put in.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
(via)
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Extreme Bumper Stickers
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them in for valuable prizes.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them in for valuable prizes.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Numbers and Time: A Child's View
Children have a very different sense of numbers and time. Here is a refresher course for you on both.
Kids’ math might be a little bit off, but they have a greater understanding of what numbers actually mean. Here is a list of numbers and what kids think of them:
None
There is no such thing as none to a child. If there is none, they ask for more and they will continue to ask and ask for more until none is gone.
Half
Unless it is a kid’s birthday, they will always tack this number on to the tail end of whatever their age is. The fun part is watching kids try to make “half" while holding up their fingers.
One
When a kid says “one” it is always followed up by the word “more.” Once parents introduce television or videogames into their child’s life, “one” is then followed up by “more minute.”
Two
Two is the magical number. Two is how many minutes kids' parents trick them into thinking they have left to play. It’s a good trick because it works by setting up an expectation and doesn’t force the child to quit what they are doing immediately. In reality, two minutes can mean one minute because kids forget or ten minutes because parents forget.
Three
Three is the never number. Children hear that they have until the count of three and the parent never gets past counting two and a half or two and nine tenths.
Five
Five is the trickiest number. Five is what we set kids up for as the greatest number in the world because at five they get to go to kindergarten. Kids wait for five. Then they go to kindergarten and wonder what the big deal was.
Kids know a lot less about time. Here’s what they do know:
Right now
Right now means that the kid should have stopped doing what they are doing about five seconds ago. The kid hopes at this point that their kid brain quits what they are doing so that they don’t hear the follow up, very dangerous single word, “Now!”
Now
You are in trouble. You should have listened when it was right now.
A week
A week is FOREVER. They might as well curl up and die.
The rest of your life
This is how long kids get to feel guilty for not listening or breaking something. At least until they have kids and can pass the guilt on to them.
Six weeks
This is how long stuff kids send in for takes to show up. And usually it’s not as big or as x-rayish as anyone thought it would be.
Next year
Next year sucks because it means that they didn’t get what they wanted this year and their parent are rubbing their hair, trying to make them feel better and using the word "kiddo" a lot.
Never
Never is the harshest word that kids learn is meaningless the second time it is used. Parent use never all the time and do not follow through. Kids pick up on this and when they hear never, they know they can just wait it out.
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is the greatest time of all. Tomorrow is not today. Tomorrow is full of candy and sunshine and play. If today sucks, there’s always tomorrow. And when today is good, there’s a chance that tomorrow will be even better.
(via)
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Pssst... Wanna feel REAL old?
Check this out...
(Eddie Haskell, the Beaver and Wally)
Man, I don't care HOW young you feel... this one HURTS!
(via Jonco)
(Eddie Haskell, the Beaver and Wally)Man, I don't care HOW young you feel... this one HURTS!
(via Jonco)
Now we know what was on John McCain's stolen laptop!
The McCain camp reported a laptop was stolen from their campaign last week. The laptop was said to contain “strategic information.” Apparently, this is what was on the screen:
(click on the image to enlarge)
(via)
(click on the image to enlarge)(via)
Monday, October 6, 2008
SCUBA Certification, Dolphins and MY BIRTHDAY!
Yowza!
Although *I* was originally certified to scuba dive back when Lyndon Johnson was President, I haven't gone for several years. And the Bugs have always expressed an interest in learning how to dive - so, after two solid weekends of training, we finally got certified through PADI yesterday afternoon!
There were seven in our graduating class:
(from left, Leila, Jack, Vivian, William, Tony (our instructor), Robert, Adrian and me)
On the way back, one of the coolest sights I've ever seen - HUNDREDS of dolphins swimming along with our dive boat. They kept up with us for about 10 minutes, and it was AWESOME!
After all of this, we went out to celebrate my birthday with BFF Donna and husband Luis at Benihana's (sort of becoming a tradition, actually!)
So now, we dive!
Although *I* was originally certified to scuba dive back when Lyndon Johnson was President, I haven't gone for several years. And the Bugs have always expressed an interest in learning how to dive - so, after two solid weekends of training, we finally got certified through PADI yesterday afternoon!
There were seven in our graduating class:
(from left, Leila, Jack, Vivian, William, Tony (our instructor), Robert, Adrian and me)
On the way back, one of the coolest sights I've ever seen - HUNDREDS of dolphins swimming along with our dive boat. They kept up with us for about 10 minutes, and it was AWESOME!
After all of this, we went out to celebrate my birthday with BFF Donna and husband Luis at Benihana's (sort of becoming a tradition, actually!)
So now, we dive!
Tips for Aspiring Writers
When I was young my parents sent me to a child psychologist.
That kid didn’t do me any good at all…
Like the virgin prairie for the explorer, metaphors are pregnant with possibility, but don't mix them.
It behooves the writer to avoid archaic expressions.
One should not shift from the third person to the second person when you write.
I once read that splitting modifiers was wrong in the library.
It is generally recommended that the use of the passive be minimized.
Write assertively, I think.
A sentence containing a parenthetical phrase (must be a complete sentence) without that phrase.
Avoid the use of vulgarisms that might piss off the reader.
Avoid rephrasing, which is, in other words, paraphrasing or rewording of a statement, sort of like repeating it.
I've told you a million times not to exaggerate.
Ambiguity is more or less undesirable.
Hyperbole is the worst mistake you can possibly make.
You will die horribly if you are overdramatic!
Boise, Idaho's 7327 English teachers agree that all statistics should be verified.
Don't verbify nouns.
I have traveled all over the world, known many important people, received many degrees, and have learned that it is in bad taste to use yourself as an expert example even though I am one.
djust the margins before print
opy of the completed docume
When choosing among two, make the best choice. Between three or more, pick the better one.
Avoid overuse of rhetorical questions. Know what I mean?
I could care less about expressions that mean the opposite of what they say.
Vary sentence length. Conformity is boring.
Be sure to use the correct word accept in certain cases.
Don't use no double negatives.
Avoid clichés like the plague.
Each pronoun should match their subject.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Try to not split infinitives.
Don't be repetitively redundant or repetitious.
That kid didn’t do me any good at all…
Like the virgin prairie for the explorer, metaphors are pregnant with possibility, but don't mix them.
It behooves the writer to avoid archaic expressions.
One should not shift from the third person to the second person when you write.
I once read that splitting modifiers was wrong in the library.
It is generally recommended that the use of the passive be minimized.
Write assertively, I think.
A sentence containing a parenthetical phrase (must be a complete sentence) without that phrase.
Avoid the use of vulgarisms that might piss off the reader.
Avoid rephrasing, which is, in other words, paraphrasing or rewording of a statement, sort of like repeating it.
I've told you a million times not to exaggerate.
Ambiguity is more or less undesirable.
Hyperbole is the worst mistake you can possibly make.
You will die horribly if you are overdramatic!
Boise, Idaho's 7327 English teachers agree that all statistics should be verified.
Don't verbify nouns.
I have traveled all over the world, known many important people, received many degrees, and have learned that it is in bad taste to use yourself as an expert example even though I am one.
djust the margins before print
opy of the completed docume
When choosing among two, make the best choice. Between three or more, pick the better one.
Avoid overuse of rhetorical questions. Know what I mean?
I could care less about expressions that mean the opposite of what they say.
Vary sentence length. Conformity is boring.
Be sure to use the correct word accept in certain cases.
Don't use no double negatives.
Avoid clichés like the plague.
Each pronoun should match their subject.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Try to not split infinitives.
Don't be repetitively redundant or repetitious.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
How Big is 700 Billion?
• If Sarah Palin bought 700 billion Popsicles and divided them equally among her kids, they would still have the weirdest names in Alaska.
• If you had rented Bonfire Of The Vanities from the Clam Bay Blockbuster on March 18, 1991 for 700 billion days, you still wouldn't have finished watching it. Because it's crap.
• If you were the last car in a line of 700 billion identical Porsche Boxsters, and a guy came in behind you in a Plymouth Neon, he would still pull out to pass.
• If you put all your spare pennies in a coffee mug on your bedroom dresser every day, and never spent them, and never gave them to charity, or to your kids, and never accidentally lost a bunch of them when the cat jumped on your dresser and dumped them, it wouldn't take long before you started wondering what the hell you're going to do with all those pennies.
• If you were waiting in line to renew your license at the DMV and you took a ticket from the machine that said 'Take A Ticket And Wait Until Your Number Is Called', and the number on your ticket was 700,000,000,000, the number on the 'Now Being Served' sign would say 700,000,000,018.
• If you paid your cellphone service provider $700 billion in advance to take advantage of their Prepaid Weekends offer for the rest of your life, you would immediately get a weekend job in a hospital where you can't use a cellphone.
• If you went into Sleep Country and asked if you could stack 700 billion Sealy mattresses on top of each other to see if their advertising claims were true, you would discover that you had a ceiling problem after about 11 mattresses.
• If Kirstie Alley eats one more cookie, she will weigh 700 billion pounds.
• If you owned a dog that liked to roll in dead fish carcasses whenever it went to the beach, there would be 700 billion dead fish on the beach the next time you went there.
• If some financial wizard did a lot of math and figured that the taxpayers would have to pay a bunch of slick weasels 700 billion dollars to solve a problem they created, it wouldn't take the taxpayers long to figure out how much it would cost to buy enough burlap sacks and rocks to take care of all the slick weasels they could round up.
(via Cooper Green)
• If you had rented Bonfire Of The Vanities from the Clam Bay Blockbuster on March 18, 1991 for 700 billion days, you still wouldn't have finished watching it. Because it's crap.
• If you were the last car in a line of 700 billion identical Porsche Boxsters, and a guy came in behind you in a Plymouth Neon, he would still pull out to pass.
• If you put all your spare pennies in a coffee mug on your bedroom dresser every day, and never spent them, and never gave them to charity, or to your kids, and never accidentally lost a bunch of them when the cat jumped on your dresser and dumped them, it wouldn't take long before you started wondering what the hell you're going to do with all those pennies.
• If you were waiting in line to renew your license at the DMV and you took a ticket from the machine that said 'Take A Ticket And Wait Until Your Number Is Called', and the number on your ticket was 700,000,000,000, the number on the 'Now Being Served' sign would say 700,000,000,018.
• If you paid your cellphone service provider $700 billion in advance to take advantage of their Prepaid Weekends offer for the rest of your life, you would immediately get a weekend job in a hospital where you can't use a cellphone.
• If you went into Sleep Country and asked if you could stack 700 billion Sealy mattresses on top of each other to see if their advertising claims were true, you would discover that you had a ceiling problem after about 11 mattresses.
• If Kirstie Alley eats one more cookie, she will weigh 700 billion pounds.
• If you owned a dog that liked to roll in dead fish carcasses whenever it went to the beach, there would be 700 billion dead fish on the beach the next time you went there.
• If some financial wizard did a lot of math and figured that the taxpayers would have to pay a bunch of slick weasels 700 billion dollars to solve a problem they created, it wouldn't take the taxpayers long to figure out how much it would cost to buy enough burlap sacks and rocks to take care of all the slick weasels they could round up.
(via Cooper Green)
Friday, October 3, 2008
The Old Rancher
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said,‘She’ll be thirty-one in November.’
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. ‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, ‘Good - she’s pregnant.’
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’
Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’
(via)
Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said,‘She’ll be thirty-one in November.’
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an old man. Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. ‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, ‘Good - she’s pregnant.’
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’
Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’
(via)
TRUST -- PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
DEAR AMERICAN:
THIS LETTER MIGHT COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE SINCE WE HAVE NOT KNOWN OURSELVES BEFORE.
MY NAME IS HENRY PAULSON, AND I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. IT IS WITH BELIEF AND TRUST THAT I SEND YOU THIS OBVIOUS AND SENSITIVE BUSINESS PROPOSAL TO ENABLE ME AND MY COLLEAGUES REMIT THE SUM OF USD$700 BILLION (SEVEN HUNDRED BILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. HOWEVER, I WOULD WISH TO RECEIVE YOUR PERSONAL ASSURANCE THAT YOU WOULD NOT SIT ON THE MONEY WHEN IT GOES INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU KEEP CONFIDENTIAL THIS TRANSACTION, IN ORDER NOT TO TARNISH THE CONFIDENCE REPOSE IN THE OFFICIALS INVOLVED IN THIS TRANSACTION.
MY COUNTRY HAS HAD A CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE IMMEDIATE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 700 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.
I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAMM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S.
THIS TRANSACTIN IS GUARANTEED 100% SAFE. NOW WE HAVE FINANCIALLY AGREED, MY COLLEAGUE AND I TO ARRANGE WITH YOU AS A RELIABLE PARTNER WHO WILL ASSIST US BY CLAIMING THIS $700 BILLION. OUR SUCCESS WILL DEPEND GREATLY ON YOUR READINESS AND WILLINGNESS TO BE STRAIGHTFORWARD, SINCERE AND RELIABLE ALL THRU THIS TRANSACTION. I AM HOPING THAT YOU WILL NOT DISAPPOINT ME NOW OR IN THE FUTURE.
THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY BECAUSE WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE BY LAW WE ARE PRECLUDED FROM DIRECTLY CLAIMING ANY OF THIS MONEY OURSELVES WHILE IN SERVICE. WE ARE ALSO CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON LIKE YOU WHO WILL ACT AS OUR AGENT SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.
ON RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL, REACH ME IF YOU ARE WILLING TO DO THIS WITH ME. PLEASE REPLY WITH YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN AND GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTIN. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL IN TURN RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS AND GIVE YOU FURTHER DETAILS ON MODALITIES TO ENSURE A HITCH-FREE TRANSFER.
YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON
THIS LETTER MIGHT COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE SINCE WE HAVE NOT KNOWN OURSELVES BEFORE.
MY NAME IS HENRY PAULSON, AND I AM MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY OF THE REPUBLIC OF AMERICA. IT IS WITH BELIEF AND TRUST THAT I SEND YOU THIS OBVIOUS AND SENSITIVE BUSINESS PROPOSAL TO ENABLE ME AND MY COLLEAGUES REMIT THE SUM OF USD$700 BILLION (SEVEN HUNDRED BILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. HOWEVER, I WOULD WISH TO RECEIVE YOUR PERSONAL ASSURANCE THAT YOU WOULD NOT SIT ON THE MONEY WHEN IT GOES INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU KEEP CONFIDENTIAL THIS TRANSACTION, IN ORDER NOT TO TARNISH THE CONFIDENCE REPOSE IN THE OFFICIALS INVOLVED IN THIS TRANSACTION.
MY COUNTRY HAS HAD A CRISIS THAT HAS CAUSED THE IMMEDIATE NEED FOR LARGE TRANSFER OF FUNDS OF 700 BILLION DOLLARS US. IF YOU WOULD ASSIST ME IN THIS TRANSFER, IT WOULD BE MOST PROFITABLE TO YOU.
I AM WORKING WITH MR. PHIL GRAMM, LOBBYIST FOR UBS, WHO WILL BE MY REPLACEMENT AS MINISTRY OF THE TREASURY IN JANUARY. AS A SENATOR, YOU MAY KNOW HIM AS THE LEADER OF THE AMERICAN BANKING DEREGULATION MOVEMENT IN THE 1990S.
THIS TRANSACTIN IS GUARANTEED 100% SAFE. NOW WE HAVE FINANCIALLY AGREED, MY COLLEAGUE AND I TO ARRANGE WITH YOU AS A RELIABLE PARTNER WHO WILL ASSIST US BY CLAIMING THIS $700 BILLION. OUR SUCCESS WILL DEPEND GREATLY ON YOUR READINESS AND WILLINGNESS TO BE STRAIGHTFORWARD, SINCERE AND RELIABLE ALL THRU THIS TRANSACTION. I AM HOPING THAT YOU WILL NOT DISAPPOINT ME NOW OR IN THE FUTURE.
THIS IS A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY BECAUSE WE NEED THE FUNDS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WE CANNOT DIRECTLY TRANSFER THESE FUNDS IN THE NAMES OF OUR CLOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE BY LAW WE ARE PRECLUDED FROM DIRECTLY CLAIMING ANY OF THIS MONEY OURSELVES WHILE IN SERVICE. WE ARE ALSO CONSTANTLY UNDER SURVEILLANCE. MY FAMILY LAWYER ADVISED ME THAT I SHOULD LOOK FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY PERSON LIKE YOU WHO WILL ACT AS OUR AGENT SO THE FUNDS CAN BE TRANSFERRED.
ON RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL, REACH ME IF YOU ARE WILLING TO DO THIS WITH ME. PLEASE REPLY WITH YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND ALL OF YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, IRA AND COLLEGE FUND ACCOUNT NUMBERS AND THOSE OF YOUR CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN AND GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN TO WALLSTREETBAILOUT@TREASURY.GOV SO THAT WE MAY TRANSFER YOUR COMMISSION FOR THIS TRANSACTIN. AFTER I RECEIVE THAT INFORMATION, I WILL IN TURN RESPOND WITH DETAILED INFORMATION ABOUT SAFEGUARDS THAT WILL BE USED TO PROTECT THE FUNDS AND GIVE YOU FURTHER DETAILS ON MODALITIES TO ENSURE A HITCH-FREE TRANSFER.
YOURS FAITHFULLY MINISTER OF TREASURY PAULSON
Happy Friday, Troops....
The Question of the Day:
Is anyone else amazed that Sarah Palin can pronounce "Ahmajinidad" but not "Nuclear," "Iran" and "Iraq"?
(Say it with me... "New,""Clear." Now put 'em together...)
The one-liner of the Week:
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Best Idea of the Week:
In light of the recent economic crisis I have decided to suspend going to work today in order to return to watching tv and eating ice cream.
Is anyone else amazed that Sarah Palin can pronounce "Ahmajinidad" but not "Nuclear," "Iran" and "Iraq"?
(Say it with me... "New,""Clear." Now put 'em together...)
The one-liner of the Week:
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Best Idea of the Week:
In light of the recent economic crisis I have decided to suspend going to work today in order to return to watching tv and eating ice cream.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Well, you knew THIS was coming...
David Letterman: Top Ten “Things Overheard At Palin Debate Camp”
10. “Let’s practice your bewildered silence.”
9. “Can you try saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘you betcha’?”
8. “Hey, I can see Mexico from here!”
7. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and there won’t be any questions about Iraq, taxes or healthcare.”
6. “We’re screwed!”
5. “Can I just use that lipstick-pit bull thing again?”
4. “We have to wrap it up for the day — McCain eats dinner at 4:30.”
3. “Can we get Congress to bail us out of this debate?”
2. “John Edwards wants to know if you’d like some private tutoring in his van.”
1. “Any way we can just get Tina Fey to do it?”
10. “Let’s practice your bewildered silence.”
9. “Can you try saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘you betcha’?”
8. “Hey, I can see Mexico from here!”
7. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and there won’t be any questions about Iraq, taxes or healthcare.”
6. “We’re screwed!”
5. “Can I just use that lipstick-pit bull thing again?”
4. “We have to wrap it up for the day — McCain eats dinner at 4:30.”
3. “Can we get Congress to bail us out of this debate?”
2. “John Edwards wants to know if you’d like some private tutoring in his van.”
1. “Any way we can just get Tina Fey to do it?”
Yet MORE Bacon Goodness
How 'bout THIS, sports fans - BACON CINNAMON ROLLS!
Details here
This ought to kick-start your day, don'tcha think?
Details here
This ought to kick-start your day, don'tcha think?
Here's a thought...
I can only assume that the the guy who named Viagra didn't think of "Peniscillin" first.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Getting Polled
Apparently, most major polls have Barack Obama pulling ahead of John McCain, especially in the battleground states of Florida, Ohio and Pennsylvania. He's also leading in other key states like Missouri, Minnesota, Nevada and Virginia.
Of course, the only poll that counts is the one on November 4th, but I have a question:
Have YOU ever been polled?
I don't know anyone who has.
I certainly have never been polled.
I've been shafted several times, but I've never been polled...
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