My New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year, Troops! It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood (well, at least here in Southern California), the birds are singing, traffic is honking and the soothing sounds of police helicopters fills the air.

It's that time of year again. Time for a recommittment to a better life, a better existence, in short - MY 2009 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS:


I resolve to be less sarcastic and cynical in 2009 — like THAT will do any good.

I resolve to stop writing negative things about Sarah Palin. This resolution is conditional on Sarah Palin not doing or saying anything stupid in the new year.


I resolve not to look at my BlackBerry during mealtime, unless it’s really necessary and in no event more than four times a meal, mostly when nobody is looking, unless it’s unavoidable.

I resolve to finally go on a diet. Or, alternatively, hire advance crews to Vaseline doorways in my path.

I resolve to abandon my lifelong dream of a date with Annette Funicello, and settle for one with Jessica Alba instead.

I resolve to invent a Segway with a third wheel.

I resolve to save money on medical expenses. Schedule my next physical at pediatrician's office and order off the kiddie menu. (Note to self: Don’t forget to ask about the Little Slugger Prostate Exam.)

Embracing the hopeful tradition of Yes We Can in the new administration, I resolve to organize a National Bitch-Slap Sean Hannity Day.

I resolve to eat naturally. Learn to coax out Twinkie filling by the Lamaze method.

I resolve to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Then give it an Elvis Presley songbook.

I resolve to find the girl I wanted to marry in kindergarten and tell her I’ve changed my mind.

Well, this would pretty much ruin your day...

"Terminator 2" deleted scene

Legacy

Jib-Jab's Year in Review

How To Disable the Caps Lock Key

(Skipnote: I haven't tried this, SINCE I DON'T SEEM TO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE CAPS LOCK KEY, and I can't vouch for whether it works or not. The folks at wa.com seem to think it does, though...)

How To Disable the Caps Lock Key

1. Make a copy of the System file (in your System Folder).
2. Open the copy with ResEdit.
3. Open the KCHR resource.
4. Select one of the keyboard layouts (I used the U.S. System 6 layout).
5. Choose Duplicate from the Edit menu.
6. Highlight the duplicate and press Command-I.
7. Name the new layout something like No Caps Lock.
8. Open that layout by double-clicking.
9. Press the Caps Lock key. You'll notice that the picture of the Caps Lock key onscreen darkens.
10. Drag the lower case letters in the upper window to the appropriate spots on the picture of the keyboard (drag "a" to the "A" key).
11. Close and save the window. Quit ResEdit.
12. Name the altered system somthing like Altered System.
13. Drag your real System out of the System Folder and replace it with Altered System (DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR OLD SYSTEM! You might need it again).
14. Once Altered System is in the System Folder, rename it System.
15. Restart your Mac.
16. To get rid of Caps Lock, open the Keyboard control panel and select the No Caps Lock layout.
17. Pushing Caps Lock will now seemingly have no effect.

(via)

Sightread THIS, sucker!

The Sea Lions of Anacapa Island

I did four dives off of Anacapa Island today off the dive boat Spectre. Each one was progressively better than the previous one, and on the LAST dive, we were surrounded by a raft of sea lions! (Yeah, that's the correct term - I looked it up)

I counted a couple of dozen, but there were probably more. Since we were only in about 10 feet of water, we stayed down close to an hour (I still had a third of a tank of air left - we only surfaced because we were getting cold).


It's a little disconcerting when these swim directly at you, bare their teeth, and then veer off at the last second!


But I can handle it. I'm a laid back diver.
Additional photos can be found by clicking here

I never thought of it this way before...

(via)

Is it just me, or is it normal to wear the Presidential Seal on your BOOTS?

Traffic Trivia

I've had a lot of cool jobs in my life. I've been, at times, a disk jockey, a tour guide at Universal Studios, a paramedic, a cop and a negotiator. One of the jobs I had the most fun at was as a traffic reporter in Los Angeles.

For three years I flew 40 hours a week (6-10 and 3-7) around the city, looking for and reporting on traffic accidents, tie-ups and alternate routes. I was even on the CBS Evening News (with Dan Rather!) during the LA riots, Malibu fires and in the aftermath of the 1994 Northridge earthquake.

The afternoon anchor in the KNX studios was Jill Angel, a sergeant in the California Highway Patrol (she's now one of the big mucky-muck chiefs with the CHP in Sacramento). Every afternoon, she and I would play "Traffic Trivia" on the air (to the MAJOR consternation of news director Bob Sims (a man whose sphincter was so tight, I don't believe it was physically possible for him to have a bowel movement). We'd try, alternately, to stump each other with minutiae (What's the shortest freeway in Los Angeles? The 90. What's the busiest freeway in the country? The Santa Monica Freeway. What are the little white bumps on roads called? Bot's Dots. What's the triangular space between the freeway and the offramp called? The Gore Point). We both moved on, I had a great time during those 6,240 hours (give or take) at 1800 feet above the city.

In his book, "Traffic: Why We Drive the Way We Do," Tom Vanderbilt takes the traffic trivia bit to a new level. Here are some things about traffic that may surprise you:

* Drivers seated higher think they are driving more slowly than drivers seated lower, and so tend to speed more often.

* Anywhere from 10% to more than 70% of people in urban traffic are simply looking for parking.

* More than 80% of traffic in a typical city runs on 10% of the roads.

* People who live on streets with more traffic spend less time outside and have fewer friends.

* Saturday at 1 p.m. has heavier traffic than weekday rush hours.

* Highways can handle more cars at 55 mph than 80 mph.

* When roads are closed for construction, traffic on other nearby roads often decreases rather than increases.

* SUVs can reduce the capacity of signalized intersections by up to 20%.

* It takes longer for people who circle looking for the “best” parking spot in lots to get to their destination than those who pick the first spot they see.

* People are willing to spend longer walking to and from a parking spot in parking lots than on city streets.

* A driver driving at 30 mph sees an average of 1320 pieces of information every minute.

* The top 10 most dangerous cities for pedestrians in the U.S. are all below the Mason-Dixon line. Five are in Florida (Number One? Las Vegas).

* After thirty seconds of waiting, most people will begin to cross against the light. People are more likely to jaywalk when well-dressed people do it first.

* Studies have shown driving aggressively, which raises crash risk and increases fuel consumption, saves just a minute on a 27-mile trip.

* 350 people die every year entering the freeway the wrong way; at least 50 are killed by cars in driveways.

* One in five urban crashes is related to searching for parking.

* New cars crash at a higher rate than older cars.

* Most crashes happen on sunny, clear, dry days.

* More New Yorkers are killed legally crossing in crosswalks than jaywalking.

* Drivers drive less closely to oncoming cars on roads without center-line markings.

* The fatality risk in the backseat of a car is 26% lower than in the front.

* Parents on the “school run” increase local traffic by a third. Only about 15% of U.S. schoolchildren walk to school.

* If everyone waits to merge at the point where a highway loses a lane, rather than earlier, traffic flows better.

* U.S. statistics show that half of all fatalities happen at impact speeds of less than 35 mph.

* Men honk more than women, and men and women honk more at women than at men. Drivers in convertibles with the tops down are less likely to honk than those with the top up. Drivers honk faster at cars whose drivers are on cell phones. And drivers are more likely to honk at people from another state or country than their own. Drivers honk less on weekends.

* The average driver looks away from the road for .06 seconds every 3.4 seconds; drivers search for something in the car 10.8 times per hour.

* Pedestrians think drivers can see them up to twice as far away as they actually can.

* The most commonly dropped objects on Los Angeles freeways are ladders.

* The more Stop signs a road has, the more likely drivers are to violate them.

* In the U.S., fuel taxes would have to be raised from 20 to 70 cents a gallon for drivers to fully pay for the cost of roads (unlike in Europe, where drivers pay more than roads cost).

* Car drivers drive closer to helmeted cyclists (and farther from cyclists who who appear to be women).

Why You Didn't Get What You Wanted for Christmas This Year

From the accident scene... (via)

Things I should have told you

(via)

Lessons I Learned on My Christmas Vacation to Las Vegas

1. Never, ever let Luis drive unsupervised. We left at 3:30 PM, and, after a quick side trip out past PALM SPRINGS, we finally arrived a little after 11 PM. I'm assuming at this point that all Peruvians are directionally-challenged.

2. The Excalibur, contrary to the Bardgal's dire warnings and predictions, was a lot of fun. The payoffs in the casino were pretty good, as was the service and the attitudes of the staff.

3. I will never go to Paris again (the hotel and casino, not the city). All around crappy time there. All three of us got completely hosed in the casino, the service was uniformly bad from people who worked there, and the fried rice was burned.

4. What's the deal with taking your little children and BABIES to Vegas these days? What the hell are all these parents thinking?

5. A trip to the top of the Luxor in one of the "inclinators" is fun, but you get vertigo when you look over the edge.

6. All Israeli girls are insane.

7. Teriyaki beef jerky nuggets taste incredible. Especially in the middle of the desert in the middle of the night in the middle of the drive back home.

8. Vegas is CROWDED on Christmas. Man, even Santa Claus was there!

9. When all else fails, refer back to Lesson #1.

Merry Christmas, Dudes and Dudettes...

Or Hannukah, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus, or whatever...

Enjoy the time with your family and/or loved ones. I'm spending the morning at the Midnight Mission,

THEN, I'm heading off on a quick road trip with BFF Donna and Luis to sunny Las Vegas ("Vegas, baby, Vegas!")

Expect pictures...

Santa might be a little late in the Palm Springs area...

(via)

Yeah, this pretty much sums it up

(Thanks Ames!)

The top 18 Ways to Confuse Santa Claus Tonight

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home, oh and by the way, the rabbit died.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

What Santa Looks Like to the Cookies

Okay, this has been around forever, but...

*I* still laugh at it...

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, LEGALLY SPEAKING

Whereas, on or about the night immediately prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of residential real property (hereinafter referred to as the "House"), a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stockings, socks, etc., were affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter referred to as "Claus") would arrive sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e., the children, of the aforementioned House, were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e., dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort, and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter referred to as "Mama"), and said Mama, had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice of warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenance to said House, i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party to the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of said disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter referred to as the "Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the atmosphere by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of said Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction, and navigational aid (including, but not limited to, latitude, longitude, and angle of descent), to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen (hereinafter referred to as the "Deer"). (Upon additional information, it is further asserted that an additional animal co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may or may not have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle, and the Deer, intentionally and wilfully trespass upon the roofs of several residential dwellings located adjacent to, and in the vicinity of, the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys, and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either expressed or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney and with flagrant disregard for the personal safety and privacy rights of the individuals residing therein.

You're a Lawyer, Mr. Grinch

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe, in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and/or other small presents. (Said presents did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Codes.)

Upon completion of said task, Claus touched the side of his nose and, through an unknown force of witchcraft and/or sorcery, and in obvious defiance of gravitational forces, flew, rose, and/or ascended the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus assumed control of the Vehicle, whistled to the Deer, and immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of said Vehicle, Deer, and Claus from the roof of said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim "Happy Christmas to All and to All a Good Night ! ! !"

. . .Or Words To That Effect. . .

Holiday Eating Guide

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to "control your eating." The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies - Apple , Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? Get real.

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean really, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

“Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders & says... 'Oh crap....he's awake!!'"
(via)

A couple of last-minute Christmas ideas

Does Santa Claus Exist?

SKIPNOTE: Ever since 2001, when Lisa Sealy (hereinafter "Bitch") told my kids that Santa didn't exist, I've been struggling with the Santa Conundrum. How do you answer the Inevitable Question when posed by your children? My initial response of, "Well, there's real people and pretend people. Santa is a real pretend person" didn't really cut it with the Bugs. So, in the spirit of the Scientific Method, I offer the following:

DOES SANTA CLAUS EXIST?

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a mere 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa himself, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, reducing him to a pink blob of goo.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Happy Birthday, William!

Attention, World! William Tucker turns 15 today!
Wow, it seems only yesterday you were 14.99726776.

And just think, for the next 29 days, you can be TWO years older than Jack!

I love you, Wills. Happy Birthday!

PWND!

Now why I never thought of this, I'll never know...

A Visual Guide to Understanding the East vs the West

A lot of you know that I teach negotiation seminars for Karrass. One of the programs we've offered was called "China Insight," and it dealt primarily with how to effectively negotiate with the Chinese. In my study and research to be able to present this course, I came across the following graphic that does a pretty good job of visualizing the cultural differences between the Chinese and Western society. Actually, it applies to pretty much all Asian peoples, including the Indians, Japanese, Thais, Koreans, Indonesian, Malays, Dayaks, etc…

These icons were designed by Liu Young who was born in China and educated in Germany.

Blue –> Westerner
Red –> Asian

Opinion
Punctuality
Contacts
Anger
Waiting in line
Sundays on the road
At a party
In a restaurant
Traveling
Handling of problems
Three meals a day
Transportation
The elderly in day to day life
Moods and weather
Way of life
The boss
What's trendy

(via)

Divorce Party

I may not actually be from Mars, but I'm pretty sure my ex-wife was from Venus. Look at the evidence: She had a volcanic personality, the atmosphere around her was corrosive, and when you were anywhere close to her, the pressure was enough to crush your soul.

A Little Neck Exercise

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to Die. WITH LIGHT SABERS!

Elf Pickup Lines

* "Has anyone ever told you you have beautiful knees?"

* "We don't see many happenin' ladies north of the Arctic Circle."

* "That's quite a set of ornaments you've got there."

* "Just because a guy wears tights doesn't mean he's gay."

* "One night with me, baby, and you'll be sneezin' tinsel."

* "Why, yes, I am George Stephanopoulos."

* "I can't tell you how hard it is to be the only elf who's Jewish."

* "Not everything about me is tiny."

* "That's not Elmo, but don't stop tickling."

* "I'm down here!"

* "Just because I have bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy."

* "I was once a lawn ornament for Brad Pitt."

* "No, no, I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks at Keebler."

* "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig."

* "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners."

* "I taught Santa everything he knows."

* "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."

* "I'm free on Christmas Eve."

* "Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you."

* "I've got the keys to the sleigh tonight."

* "You know what they say about guys with big ears."

* "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man."

* "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys."

* "I can get you off the naughty list."

(Thankys, Ames)

T'was the Night Before Christmas (Legally Speaking)

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part, being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap).

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter “the Vehicle”) being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter “the Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted than an additional co-conspirator named “Rudolph” may have been involved.)

The part of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as “lookouts.” Claus immediately departed of the for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim, “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!” Or words to that effect.

The Peg Leg Pig

A man in a pick-up truck is barreling down a farm road at about 80 miles an hour. Suddenly he sees a kid on a bicycle in the middle of the road, no room to swerve. He knows the kid is a goner, but at the last second a pig streaks across the road and sweeps the kid to safety. The guy is amazed; once he brings his truck to a stop he jumps out to see what happened. Not only did the pig save the boy's life but the pig has a wooden leg.

"Hey, that pig saved your life!" he yells at the kid. Where'd he get the wooden leg?"

The kid says "That pig is real special." The guy offers the kid a ride back to the farm since he looks pretty shaken up.

At the farm, the guy tells the farmer "Hey! That pig with a wooden leg saved your boy's life! If it hadn't been for the pig, there's no way I could have missed your boy. But how did he get a wooden leg?"

The farmer agrees "Yep, that's a prize pig all right. That pig, he saved the crops in the flood of '72. He shucked all the corn, carted it into the silo, and raised it above the flood waters."

The guy says, "Yeah, that's great, but how did he get a wooden leg?"

The farmer says, "That pig, he pulled my wife out of the well when she fell in and broke her hip back in '86. She would have drowned without that pig helping her!"

The guy is getting a little impatient. He says, "Okay, but what's with the wooden leg?"

The farmer drawls, "That pig pulled my tractor off of me when it fell on me out in the field last year."

The guy is frantic by now. He shouts, "Tell me how the pig got a wooden leg!"

The farmer narrows his eyes and says,

"Well-l-l-l… a pig like that, you don't eat all at once."

Okay, this might work...

Thought for the Day

I was considering serving nachos, pizza and fondue at my New Year's Eve party this year, then realized that was probably a little too cheesy.

"Up Your Aspiration Level" - Dr. Chester Karrass

I dare you NOT to laugh at this

I saw this about a year ago and forgot how much it cracked me up -

How Santa Delivers His Presents

The Christmas spirit was in full flow. I had eaten a third-world chocolate from my advent calendar. The tree, manufactured from the finest toxic plastics, was up and decorated with shiny baubles, and Jimmy Stewart was blubbing again on the TV (It’s a Wonderful Life is a strange symptom of the modern day Christmas experience; suicide with a fat angel, very Christmasy).

On a whim, I checked my e-mail. The first subject line read: ‘Santa Doesn’t Exist. Here is my evidence!’ Shocked, I opened the heinous document. The brutal words of a Christmas Scrooge were backed up by some, it has to be said, convincing empirical data.

But I believe in Santa, and more than that, I believe in Christmas, so this is why Scrooge is wrong:

‘There are 378 million Christian children in the world according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth, we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles. This means that Santa’s sleigh would have to move at 650 miles per second, or 3,000 times the speed of sound. A conventional ground-based reindeer can top 15 miles per hour.

‘Assuming each child gets an average-sized present around 2 pounds in weight, Santa’s sleigh would also have to carry 321,300 tons, not including Santa himself. This is four times the weight of the QE2. This would require the pulling power of 214,200 reindeer.

Four QE2s and you’ll only get one crappy present

‘353,000 tones travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. The two lead reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy, per second, each, bursting into flame instantaneously and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire sleigh will be vaporised within 4.26 thousands of a second. Meanwhile, Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4.3 million pounds of force.’

Forgoing the horrific Terminator 2-style nuclear-war imagery of reindeer being blown away by sonic booms of flame, there was no doubting the strength of this Scrooge’s case. Now, excluding the time I watched a film on Boxing Day a few years ago featuring Dudley Moore as an elf, my Christmas experiences have been magical.

It would be much cooler if Santa arrived with melted animals and sonic booms, wouldn’t it?

Let’s tackle the weight problem first. Remember that big scientific underground ring in Europe that was in the news a while back? The Large Hadron Collider is its name, and its primary function is to prove the existence of the Higgs particle. Without getting too technical, the Higgs particle is the particle that carries the force of gravity. In other words, it’s what gives everything weight. It’s what makes the tides move, it’s what made an apple fall on Isaac Newton’s head, it’s what makes really obese people sweat all the time. These particles stick to us as we move through space. Imagine Santa has his own Large Hadron Collider, up in Lapland, surrounding his massive toy factory (rumour has it that Santa’s income is funded primarily by a series of never-fail pyramid scheme hedge funds). Imagine if he is one step ahead of everyone else, and has not only found the Higgs particle, but found a way to make himself and his sleigh resistant to the attraction of those particles, like a non-stick frying pan, or Simon Cowell’s shiny, shiny face. Suddenly everything is weightless. All he needs is a gas mask and some All-Bran for his reindeer and he has enough power to head skyward.

So he’s up in the air and on his way, but how will he be able to deliver to nearly half a billion children in one night? In order for Santa to have enough time to deliver his presents, he needs to stop everyone else’s time. Did you ever wonder why as a child, Christmas Eve night seemed to last forever? This is the reason why. Santa utilises two faraway phenomena of the natural world. The first is called a singularity. It’s at the centre of a black hole, that thing you wished they would tell you about in science class instead of having to measure the number of Newtons a lead weight applied to your springy measuring thing. A black hole is an object of immense gravitational pull. As you get closer to its centre, time starts to slow down. The only problem is you can’t escape because if you have any weight at all, you will fall in and be crushed by the über-powerful forces of gravity. But, remember, Santa has no weight anymore. He has removed the Higgs particles from his sleigh and his reindeer, so he can’t get sucked into the black hole, because there’s nothing to suck in as far as the black hole is concerned. It’s like a mother-in-law. All he needs to do is build a portable black hole into his dashboard and suddenly time is not an issue anymore, because it has effectively stopped for him, and he can take all the time he needs, which negates the issue of air resistance and speed. If you wanna think designs, perhaps something like this.

Checkmate to Santa, Scrooge. You might be asking how Santa could store the black hole in his dashboard without it sucking the entire planet and all surrounding space into its vortex, but you would be nitpicking.

Bear with me on this, it’s for the kids.

Do you ever wonder why Santa’s beard is so long? It’s not because he doesn’t shave, it’s because the only time anyone sees him is when he is in the middle of his epic voyage. The old adage that Santa works one day a year is baubles. With time slowed down, it takes him weeks, even months to get around the whole planet delivering his presents. By the time he nears the end of his journey, unshaven, his beard is near his waist and his armpit hair is ready for storage in Yucca Mountain. One Christmas Eve for us equates to one hard slog for Santa. He’s like Noel Edmonds on Deal or No Deal - you think he only does one show but he changes his shirt to fool you. Santa doesn’t change his shirt, he simply leverages the awesome powers of the laws of physics and bends the universe to his will. Those mince pies and milk are his only source of nourishment too, which is why he is so immensely fat and why when he gets home he says to his wife Mary, ‘No more f****** mince pies for another year, I’ll have a yard of ale, and where’s my damn bong?’

As for coming down the chimney, that’s rubbish. He picks the locks. Santa used to be a burglar before he was sent down for three years and got himself a learn direct course in choky. On release, he reformed, moved straight into middle management and the rest is, well, Christmas.

(via)

Name Pronunciation in Louisiana

(SKIPNOTE: I got this from Debb, who sent it to me two months ago, and I'm STILL laughing at it.)

You're gonna love this one. Nobody could make this stuff up.

How would you pronounce this as a child's name???

"Le - a"

Leah?? NO

Lee - A?? NOPE

Lay - a?? NO

Lei?? Guess Again.

Are you resorting to tongue clicks yet?? Scroll down
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It's pronounced "Ledasha" Yeah...you read it right. "Ledasha."

This child attends a school in Livingston Parish. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, her reply:

"The dash don't be silent."

Inspirational Speeches in the Movies

Santa's First Drafts

deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and

write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
"Long Dong" Claus

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

(via the lovely and talented Miss C)

All I want for Christmas...

What to Buy a Man for Christmas

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. For women it’s easy: In this order, buy (and put the word “Expensive” in front of each):

1. Jewelry
2. Perfume
3. Clothing
4. Chocolate
5. Coffee

But for the guy, it’s a little tougher. So, as a public service, allow me to present the following. Follow these simple rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt, buy us a cordless drill. It does not matter if we already have one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. Trust me.

Rule #2: If you can't afford a cordless drill, buy us anything with the word “ratchet” or “socket” in it. We love saying these two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “Okay. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Trust me, that's manly to the core.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy us anything for our cars: a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from the rear view mirror. We don't care; we love gifts for our cars. Trust me.

Rule #4: Never buy us bathrobes. If God had wanted us to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: Here’s an easy one: Buy us new remote controls to replace the ones we’ve worn out (see sample picture above). If you have a lot of money, buy us a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. You can then watch us go wild as we flip, and flip, and flip...

Rule #6: Label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea.

Rule #7: Important note: Never buy us anything that says, “Some Assembly Required” on the box. It will ruin our Special Day and there will always be parts left over.

Rule #8: Good places to shop for men include any store with the words "Iron Works" or "Lumber" in the name, Home Depot, John Deere, RV Centers, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores.) It doesn’t matter if we don’t know what it is. (”From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)

Rule #9: Men enjoy danger. That’s why we never cook - but we WILL barbecue. Get us a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. For an added bonus, tell us the gas line leaks. “Really? Cool! A challenge! Okay, who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #10: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, we will not appreciate tickets to lectures on “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Trust me.

Rule #11: Chainsaws. How manly-man is that? To go out and face the wild in your lumberjack shirt and toque – You might even make the Albany Timber Carnival finals.

Rule #12: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It has to be an extension ladder. Trust me.

Rule #13: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says “love” like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. Trust me.

In today's "I-Need-Me-One-Of-Them" Department:

Sorry - couldn't resist...

How to Watch a Movie You Are Told You Will Love

(via)

How many times have you wanted to do this?

(via Jonco)

Note to self...

Pet Peeves - Mispronunciations

Top of the list, by far: "Nukular." Icing on the cake to people (politicians) who are stupid as hell anyway.

Honorable Mentions: State Names (in alphabetical order)
* Ark-Kansas (never really heard anybody use this, except when trying to be funny)
* Cally-phone-ya (pretty much only our Governor)
* Connect-icut
* Illinoise
* Missoura (although, apparently, a lot of them call it that)
* Ora-gone (it makes my teeth hurt when I hear that)
* Warshington (the worst of the bunch)

Honorable Mentions - Some of the Others
* asterick
* athalete
* alblum
* expecially
* expresso
* ex-cetera
* irregardless (actually, that one doesn't bug me nearly as much as it does my Mom)
* jewlary
* orangutang (say that at the LA Zoo and you're likely to get decked by a docent)
* orientate (arrrrgghhh!!)
* off-tun
* vee-hickle (maybe that's a regional thing, but still...)
* thee-ayter (same as above)

Any other suggestions?

Dive pix from Santa Cruz Island

Okay, first time with the new camera, so the pictures are a little sucky. Plus, the battery went dead on the first dive. With those disclaimers...

Off on a dive trip to Santa Cruz Island...

We're scheduled to do three dives off the Spectre, and are expected to be back Sunday night (barring any unforeseen complications). Expect pictures.

Pssst... Wanna see the "Wolverine" trailer *without* having to watch the sucky version of "The Day the Earth Stood Still"?

(via TrailerAddict)

Fear

Robin Williams on Obama

Just not Rudolf, okay?

(via)

Look out tonight for the amazing spectacle of the biggest moon we've seen for 15 years

The full moon tonight will be the biggest one of the year as Earth's natural satellite reaches its closest point to our planet.

Earth, the moon and the sun are all bound together by gravity, which keeps us going around the sun and keeps the moon going around us as it goes through phases. The moon makes a trip around Earth every 29.5 days. But the orbit is not a perfect circle.

The moon's average distance from us is about 238,855 miles (384,400 km). Tonight it will be just 221,560 miles (356,567 km) away. It will be 14 percent bigger in our sky and 30 percent brighter than some other full moons during the year, according to NASA.

Tides will be higher tonight, too. Earth's oceans are pulled by the gravity of the moon and the sun. So when the moon is closer, tides are pulled higher. Scientists call these perigean tides, because the moon's closest point to Earth is called perigee. The farthest point on the lunar orbit is called apogee.

Some other strange lunar facts:

* The moon is moving away from Earth as you read this, by about 1.6 inches (4 centimeters) a year. Eventually it'll be torn apart as an expanding sun pushes the moon back toward Earth for a wrenching close encounter.
* There is no proof the full moon makes people crazy.
* Beaches are more polluted during full moon, owing to the higher tides.

The moon will rise this evening right around sunset, no matter where you are. That's because of the celestial mechanics that produce a full moon: The moon and the sun are on opposite sides of the planet, so that sunlight hits the full face of the moon and bounces back to our eyes.

At moonrise, the moon will appear even larger than it will later in the night when it's higher in the sky. This is an illusion that scientists can't fully explain. Some think it has to do with our perception of things on the horizon vs. stuff overhead.

Try this trick, though: Using a pencil eraser or similar object held at arm's length, gauge the size of the moon when it's near the horizon and again later when it's higher up and seems smaller. You'll see that when compared to a fixed object, the moon will be the same size in both cases.

You can see all this on each night surrounding the full moon, too, because the moon will be nearly full, rising later Saturday night.

Interestingly, because of the mechanics of all this, the moon is never truly 100 percent full. For that to happen, all three objects have to be in a perfect line, and when that rare circumstance occurs, there is a total eclipse of the moon.

(via msnbc)

Share This With Anyone Who Needs to Smile Today

Take a few minutes and watch this movie

Comedy Set-Up

Christmas Shocker(s)

It’s that time of year again, Troops. Brace yourselves for the shocking truth: “Jingle Bells” is not a Christmas song.

Hell, it's not even a song about bells. It is a sleighing song. It's sort of the 19th Century equivalent of "Little Deuce Coupe."

Written by James Pierpont in 1857, it memorializes the 'cutter' drag races in Boston, where spiffed out sleighs would race between Medford and Malden Squares, and the drivers would try to pick up the local hotties.

Consider the original lyrics:

Dashing thro' the snow,
In a one-horse open sleigh,
O'er the hills we go,
Laughing all the way;
Bells on bob tail ring,
Making spirits bright,
Oh what sport to ride and sing
A sleighing song to night.

Chorus:
Jingle bells, Jingle bells,
Jingle all the way;
Oh! what joy it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh.
Jingle bells, Jingle bells,
Jingle all the way;
Oh! what joy it is to ride
In a one horse open sleigh.

A day or two ago,
I thought I'd take a ride,
And soon Miss Fannie Bright
Was seated by my side,
The horse was lean and lank;
Misfortune seemed his lot,
He got into a drifted bank,
And we, we got upsot.

Chorus

A day or two ago,
The story I must tell
I went out on the snow
And on my back I fell;
A gent was riding by
In a one-horse open sleigh,
He laughed as there I sprawling lie,
But quickly drove away.

Chorus

Now the ground is white
Go it while you're young,
Take the girls to night
And sing this sleighing song;
Just get a bob tailed bay
Two forty as his speed.
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack, you'll take the lead.

Chorus:

I’m not trying to deny royalties to the writers of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” “Frosty the Snowman,” or “Winter Wonderland” (well, maybe “Winter Wonderland”) but I feel it’s important during this season of festivity and generosity to reflect on just how many Christmas songs have nothing whatsoever to do with Christmas. No Santa, no Jesus, no mistletoe. Not even any nog. Just a song about riding around in a giant horse-drawn sled in sub-zero temperatures, and how much fun that is.

How much fun does that sound like? How likely is it that anyone doing that in 2007 would be laughing all the way, as opposed to remarking all the way, “This is ridiculous. I'm freezing my ass off.”

I would also contend that even in 1857 the constant ringing of bells attached to a horse’s bobbed tail would only make spirits bright for about a minute and a half before sending you running off the back of the sled, o’er the fields, but I’m not prepared to make a big deal about it.

You know what else isn’t a Christmas song? “Joy to the World” (the traditional one – not the one sung by Three Dog Night and written by Hoyt Axton).

Every year, BFF Donna, who has a doctorate in Church Music from USC, and is the music director of a church, has to reference this fact whenever someone requests “Joy to the World” be sung as a Christmas hymn. If she doesn’t, she gets the stank eye from me. Or I’ll pop up and say, “Y’know…’Joy to the World isn’t really a Christmas song…” (to the delight, I’m sure, of the elderly parishioners). But it isn’t. It’s a song about the second coming of Christ.

Pass the eggnog.

Love this one...

A Christmas Story

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves weren't able to produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that, on top of the fact that this was her "time of the month," her Mother was also coming to visit, both of which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had consumed all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and as the irritated Santa marched to the door, he banged his shin on the end of the table. He reached the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have this beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Bacon Stocking Stuffers

Need to shop for the meataterian in your life? You know the one. They look at a salad and mutter the world would be a better place if everything tasted like bacon. Mmm…crispy, salty and delicious.

We want you to make that dream come true.

Give them what they really want. This Christmas, help Santa fill your stockings with the look, the feel, the flavor of bacon without actually draping your mantle in raw meat. Each of these bacon bits is for sale in the real world – most under $10.

Bacon Lip Balm
Everything should taste like bacon. Even you. Gentlemen, the next time your lady calls you a pig, prove her right by puckering up.

Bacon Beans
These aren’t your father’s jelly beans! Who needs cherry or lime when you can have a sugary burst of bacon melt in your mouth? Great for sneaking into the movies!

Gummy Bacon
Oh, the cognative dissonance! It looks like bacon, but tastes like delicious strawberries. Hey! Screw applewood. Why hasn’t anyone invented strawberry bacon? Internet, you have a quest!

Bacon Gumballs
Just this once, show chewy bacon some love.

Bacon Mints
One hundred tiny bursts of bacon, each packing a moderately disturbing aftertaste of mouth wash. All day long, your breath will smell like you brushed your teeth right after breakfast.

Maple-Bacon Lollipops
It’s like a sugary breakfast on a stick. You have your maple. You have your bacon. All you need is a squeeze tube of scrambled eggs and some microwave pancakes to make your morning complete.

Mo’s Bacon Bar
We’ve had salty chocolate and crispy chocolate. The time has come for combining the two into a bacon infused bar of artery clogging goodness. (SKIPNOTE: I had one of these. Awesome!)

Maple Bacon Coffee
When you don’t have time to fry up a pan of breakfast delight, let the wafting scent of maple, bacon, and coffee wake you up. Throw on a toaster waffle and you’ll have the tastes of a complete breakfast during your morning commute.

Canned Bacon
If you don’t have the patience to warm up a skillet, you can still enjoy bacon fully cooked, drained, and ready to eat right out of the can.

(via FoodVu)

The Idiot on My Shoulder

(via the New Yorker)

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and ...

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me!

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy ... oooh look at the Froggy ... can I have a chocolate ... why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ...
(via Miss C)

Obama Prepares for a Preemptive Strike

Delusional Bride

(via)

For Your Consideration

The Dark Knight, as every schoolboy from here to Pellucidar knows, is being released onto DVD today.

Granted, the Batman franchise has come a long way since the early days

For those who haven't yet seen the movie, click on the following for a brief synopsis of the plot. Warning, there be spoilers ahead:

And, if you want a real laugh, check out The 15 Worst Joker Costumes, Ever.

There's a lot of talk about, and a fairly healthy campaign for Heath Ledger getting a nomination for for Best Supporting Actor
The one fly in the ointment, perhaps, could be Kirk Lazarus. Who, you ask, is Kirk Lazarus? O ye plebeian of little cinematographic knowledge - only one of the Greatest Actors in the History of Acting and Stuff!

BFF Donna

I've often posted stuff about BFF Donna. Lady has a couple of great things going for her: First of all, she's married to Luis, and secondly, she has ME as a best friend!
Donna was born in Texas and went to college (and met Luis) in Miami (where she ALSO won the "Miss Miami" title). What brought her out to Los Angeles was initially to attend the premiere of a movie she was in with somebody named George somethingoranother. She ended up getting a doctorate in music from USC (depending on who you talk to, that EITHER stands for the University of Southern California, University of Spoiled Children, or Up S**t Creek, take your pick)

I'm very blessed. I've got some pretty cool friends, and I"m grateful for and love each and every one of you. But really, how cool is this?

Random Jokes Because I'm in Cleveland (until tonight)

Q: What's the difference between a chicken and a grape?
A: They're both green except for the chicken.

Q: What did the Irish farmer say to his cow when it climbed onto the roof of his barn?
A: Get off.

Q: How do you sell chicken to a deaf man?
A: HEY, YOU WANNA BUY SOME CHICKEN??!!!!!!!

YET ANOTHER SUBATOMIC PARTICLE JOKE:
An electron is speeding down the road, and gets pulled over by a state trooper. The cop asks, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" "Yes," the electron replies, "but I haven't the slightest clue where I am!"

Q: How many ADD people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Wanna go for a cup of coffee?

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting vegetarian."
"Interrupting vege..."
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT GOES IN TO A HOT DOG?"

Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream?
A: Crib death.

Letter to the Bank

Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly...

If one of my checks is returned marked 'insufficient funds,' how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you?

(from AmyOops)

Calvin and Hobbes on the Financial Crisis

(click on the image to make it bigger)
(via)

Newsflash: SHOC Awarded "The Oops Award"

Hey! These don't give these out to just ANYONE.

Thanks, Ames. You're the tops. You're the best. You're the coolest.

(SKIPNOTE: I've been instructed by my teenage sons to stop trying to use more current terminology to describe "cool," like "dope," "tight" and "phat." In retrospect, that last one didn't go all that well on my last date. But I mean really - who WOULDN'T have thought that "voluptuously chunky" was anything but a sincere compliment?)

Thought for the Day

I’m pretty sure my ex-wife was from Venus. Look at the evidence: She had a volcanic personality, the atmosphere around her was corrosive, and when you were anywhere close to her, the pressure was enough to crush your soul.

Top 10 Worst Cartoon Characters of All Time

#10- Tweety BirdYou know there's a problem when every single kid roots for the "hero" to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew kids like this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front of the bus, and got me in trouble.

#9- Grape ApeA real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And he does so non-stop for a half hour. I'd rather watch "Davey and Goliath covet their neighbors model airplane."

#8- Olive OylAm I the only one out there who thought this was one lady NOT worth fighting over? And that's what they did in every single episode! She talks like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat. Hey, Popeye, you're a sailor... you can do better! Plus Olive can never decide if she wants to date that jerk Bluto or not. The girl is just bad news.

#7- Petunia Pig Remember her? Porky's girlfriend? She was a real zero. What was the point of her, anyway? To make Porky look good? Come on, who did they think they're fooling. We all know Porky is gay.

#6- Pebbles & Bamm-Bamm (As Teenagers)What were they thinking? Were they trying to cash in on the "Joanie loves Chachi" thing? And how come every cartoon teenager plays in a crummy rock band? An awful -and thankfully short-lived - idea.

#5- Pepe LePewHello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of something called “sexual harassment?” Let's take a good look at this character; a horny, rapist skunk who's attracted to other species! NOT a good role model for the kids. Plus, worse still, he's French.

#4- Alan, from Josie and the Pussy CatsHow weak was this "Fred" clone? They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud. Well, I knew Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was like a friend of mine. Let me tell you something... you're no Fred.

#3- Zan and Jayna, the WondertwinsHow many times do we have to say it? Leave the crime fighting to the professionals! "Form of... an idiot!" They should have been voted out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago. There's no room for dead weight in this game.

#2- Gazoo, from the FlintstonesIt's like "Hmmm, a miniature, green spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isn't enough of a stretch. I know! Let's give him a snotty London accent!" Excuse me, could I get a drug test for Hanna Barbera, please?

#1- Scrappy DooAnd, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of Saturday morning cartoons. I can't even talk about it anymore. It's too upsetting.

For anyone who thought band geeks were wimps...

Skipnote: Having played the trombone from the 3rd Grade through high school, I can attest that it is one badass instrument. The following two stories are further proof


MONTEVIDEO, URUGUAY - Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket."

However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into the row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.

The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out "Hey, everyone, watch this!"

~~~~~~~~

BOCHOLT, GERMANY - A band musician died of a brain injury when the trombonist behind him jerked the slide of his trombone forward and struck the trumpeter in the back of the head. Police say the tragedy occurred as the Gratzfeld College Band was rehearsing the spirited American jazz classic, When The Saints Go Marching In.

According to other band members, trombonist Peter Niemeyer, 19, “got carried away” with the music. He started gyrating and thrashing around as he played. At one point, he jerked forward and the rounded metal slide on his instrument hit trumpet player Dolph Mohr, 20, dropping him instantly to the floor.

“Niemeyer was pumping the slide very hard,” said medical examiner Dr. Max Krause. “But it wasn’t just the force of the blow that killed Mohr. The slide struck him in the worst possible place — the vulnerable spot just behind and below the left ear. Bone fragments pierced his brain, killing him instantly.”

The incident has provoked a storm of controversy over whether or not American jazz should be played in German colleges. “I believe the music is to blame,” said Gratzfeld band director Heinrich Sommer. “I was pressured to play that selection by school administrators. But I’ve always said jazz is dangerous music. Our musicians can’t control themselves when they play it. They move and rock back and forth, creating chaos. If I had my way, American Dixieland would be outlawed in Germany. I’ve been directing bands for 30 years and I’ve never heard of anyone dying while playing a German march.”

Remembering a hero

(A repost, but worth it)

"December 7, 1941, a day which will live in infamy..." Pearl Harbor was long before my time - but not my dad. He joined the Navy in 1940, and was stationed aboard the USS Maryland that day. Berthed inboard (and thus, somewhat protected by) the USS Oklahoma - which ended up capsizing, the Maryland still took her fair share of damage.
Dad seldom talked about that day, except to say that he spent most of it pulling survivors out of the water. At least, not to us. Every year on this date (until just before he died in 1997), Dad would attend a Pearl Harbor Survivors Association convention where he and his old buddies would get together and re-fight the war.
I think of my dad every day, but particularly on four - the anniversary of his birth, his death, his wedding - and today.
Thanks, dad. You were a hero. I miss you.

Random Saturday Stuff

Yes ladies, it's your lucky day! I just happen to be single...
Don't laugh at this, you'll just encourage me to post more
Curses, foiled again!

Jeez, Melody - you're on a ROLL!

The second email snap from Sister Melody in Seattle. You GO, girl! (That way, I don't have to do a lot of work to keep up this blog!)

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Seattle courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Washington Huskies, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Seattle Seahawks Jokes

(Courtesy of Sister Melody...)


The Washington Highway Patrol is cracking down on speeders heading towards the city of Seattle. For the first offense, they give you two Seattle Seahawks tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.

Q: What do you call 47 millionaires sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Seattle Seahawks

Q: What do the Seattle Seahawks and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ!”

Q: How do you keep a Seattle Seahawk out of your yard?
A: Put up a goal post

Q: What do you call a Seattle Seahawk with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A Thief

Q: What’s the difference between the Seattle Seahawks and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: How many Seattle Seahawks does it take to win a Super Bowl?
A: Nobody knows, and we may never find out.

Q: What do the Seahawks and a possum have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

20th Century Fox Fanfare, Played on the Hands

For some inexplicable reason, guys seem to find this a whole lot funnier than do the ladies... Go figure.

(Thanks, Jonco)

The Most Dangerous Invention, Ever

I'd never get up...

Yet EVEN MORE Bacon Awesomeness

Click on this and be amazed
(via)

Darth Vader Knows What You Want for Christmas

I was depressed last night so I called the Crisis Hotline

I was put through to a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

ACLU Announces Lawsuit Against Santa Claus

LOS ANGELES - The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of the Claus organization to determine which children are considered 'naughty' or 'nice.' It is obvious Mr. Clause has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs."

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:


•You better watch out. •You better not cry. •You better not pout. •I'm telling you why. •Santa Claus is coming to town. •He sees you when you are sleeping •He knows when you're awake, •He knows when you've been bad or good •So be good for goodness' sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from one of workers in the distribution department of Mr. Claus' organization, "...clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What would be the result of such a database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around the world? It would be analogous to the NSA illegally wiretapping American citizens."

Lawyers at the Department Justice also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice Department stated that, "We believe a large number of parent, ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence." In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, "our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers."

Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, "The charges of the ACLU are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of "mind control" or a violation of the civil rights of children."

The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a resident of the United States or any country which the United States currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his north pole estate.

In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, "I find the charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department will discover they have no basis."

Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible pending charges might have on Mr. Claus' Christmas travels this year.

Who wants to stand next to the President for a photograph? Apparently, nobody...

Prop 8: The Musical!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Simplicity is Key

(via)

How Old Are You? (No cheating)

Get your own Poll!

Actually, no, I probably won't...

You Know What Ol' Jack Burton Always Says at a Time Like This...

New Math Definitions

This is why I barely passed math... this all makes sense to me...


Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo pi

Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier: Mach turtle

2,000 pounds of Chinese Soup: won ton

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

2.4 miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer: 1 lite year

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million aches: 1 megahurtz

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

Half of a large intestine: 1 semi colon

Time between slipping on a banana peel and striking pavement: 1 bananosecond

1 billion piccolos: 1 gigolo

1 millionth mouthwash: 1 microscope

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 fig Newton

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: 1 knot-furlong

Shortest distance between two jokes: a straight line

First step of the first mile of a thousand mile journey: 1 Milwaukee

(via MissCellania)

You Know It's Going to Be a Bad Day...

So, after having my flight delayed last night, and then being diverted to San Francisco because of the fog, and having to rent a car (for 250 bucks) and DRIVE a hundred miles, IN said fog, this First Monday of December is not shaping up to be the Best Day Ever. So...time to haul out some of the "You Know It's Going to Be a Bad Day" pics...



You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:

* You wake up face down on the pavement

* You call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold

* You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

* Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

* You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any

* You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city

* Your twin sister forgets your birthday

* You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed

* Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway

* You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your office

* Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat

* Your child says, "Hey, Dad! Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"

* You're driving and enjoying a fine cigar. You accidentally drop it between your legs when stopped at a red light, and as you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.


Happy Monday, Troops...