"It used to be said that pigs will fly if a black man ever becomes President. And now, 100 days into the Obama Presidency, what do you know? Swine Flu!"
- Anon
Thursday, April 30, 2009
STFU About The Swine Flu
By Jared
Several hours ago, Reuters posted a story about the first swine flu death in the US. HOLY SHIT! Let’s drop everything and get immunized immediately! There are no larger problems among us than the death of someone in our country from a scary new epidemic. Because SARS, anthrax, Lyme disease and E. coli took so many billions of lives in our country alone, surely this one will, too!
Instead of going along with the crowd and repenting my sins because of this thing, I did what no one else would ever dream of: I looked it up. It turns out that, for some inexplicable reason, it appears that people are freaking out over nothing. Surprised? There are people who think the world will end in 2012. Of course more people would go nuts over something that actually seems a bit more realistic, but they’ll still be damned if anything gets accomplished other than running around in circles, cursing our evil government in their tinfoil hats and their “GOD IS A SOCK” sandwich boards.
See, this is what happens when all people hear about the outside world is the drivel beamed into their skulls from their favorite throwaway cable news network, or what their dimwitted co-worker feels like screaming about that particular day. People are gullible. In the eyes of evolution, we’re just shaved apes. We’re not incredibly smart. We rely on untrustworthy sources for information, and we certainly can’t always make our own informed decisions. We’ve all been guilty of accepting a claim without looking into it more, but so many people are hung up over this garbage. Not to sound like an anti-establishment anarchist trendfag here, but seriously: why is this such a big deal? The truly terrifying thing here is how people seem to want to die all the time.
Wikipedia tells us that these are the common symptoms for people who have been infected:
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in humans the symptoms of swine flu are similar to those of influenza and of influenza-like illness in general. Symptoms include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. The 2009 outbreak has shown an increased percentage of patients reporting diarrhea and vomiting.
It all makes sense now! People who suspect they’re sick, or suffer from any of the above symptoms, have now all been conveniently self-upgraded to “swine flu zombie.” I’m sure that, as I’m writing this, someone is admitting themselves to the ER complaining of swine flu without any of the symptoms above. Does anyone know what the word psychosomatic means?
Some morons have even started to boycott pork products, assuming that the virus can even be spread in that fashion. Apparently, US officials are now trying to “re-brand” swine flu, and give it the replacement name “2009 H1N1 virus” instead. Yes, apparently people are so retarded, presumptuous, and gullible, that they’ve been boycotting enough of something that they have no reason to boycott that our government may quietly change it to something less terror-inducing. Props to whoever’s in charge of changing the name, though. The idiots who prompted the proposed change are the same people who will undoubtedly assume that the H1N1 virus is something new and different and non-threatening, and jump right back into their routine schedule of sausage, pork rinds and pigs’ feet every morning.
What are the odds of you, personally, contracting the swine flu? Do you even know if you live in a state that has had a confirmed case? Only 150 people have died in Mexico, the country of origin, and a tiny handful have died elsewhere. You’re statistically more likely to overdose on caffeine or choke to death on a hot dog than to contract, much less die from, the swine flu. Perhaps we should start to boycott hot dogs. The damn things make me sick more than a slab of swine flu-positive bacon ever has anyway. For that matter, why don’t we boycott pigs altogether? All we ask from them is to live short, pointless lives, then take jogs through the slaughter house, and they have to go and f**k it up.
On that note, this has happened before. For those of you too young to remember (it’s funny because I’m 20), the US was swept by a deadly wave of swine influenza in the 70s. Wikipedia has an interesting sub-article on it, but long story shot, it turned out that there was a total of one fatality. Whoah, what a coincidence. I’m certainly not saying that I expect zero additional fatalities, but I am saying that this is yet another curious media-fueled rare disease outbreak that people misinterpret to be some kind of Satan-induced black plague times a zillion. Sure, there was an uproar against the government during the 1976 outbreak. After all, it was all their fault then, too. It was also the government who ended up helping immunize about 1/3 of the entire population to help dispel needless fear and even after numerous setbacks, because of a couple of old men who happened to croak after getting their shots. The inoculations were never linked to their deaths (dude, they were old farts anyway), and no one besides them became reported sickness or death after being inoculated, but that didn’t stop the outraged public from screaming their lungs out about how the government wasn’t doing enough.
Let’s just hope it doesn’t get to that point again, although I’m almost certain it will. The bottom line is, keep eating pork, don’t believe everything you hear, and you don’t have the swine flu. Neither does that fat girl with cheeto crumbs on her shirt that sits next to you in Basic Computers 1.
(via)
Several hours ago, Reuters posted a story about the first swine flu death in the US. HOLY SHIT! Let’s drop everything and get immunized immediately! There are no larger problems among us than the death of someone in our country from a scary new epidemic. Because SARS, anthrax, Lyme disease and E. coli took so many billions of lives in our country alone, surely this one will, too!Instead of going along with the crowd and repenting my sins because of this thing, I did what no one else would ever dream of: I looked it up. It turns out that, for some inexplicable reason, it appears that people are freaking out over nothing. Surprised? There are people who think the world will end in 2012. Of course more people would go nuts over something that actually seems a bit more realistic, but they’ll still be damned if anything gets accomplished other than running around in circles, cursing our evil government in their tinfoil hats and their “GOD IS A SOCK” sandwich boards.
See, this is what happens when all people hear about the outside world is the drivel beamed into their skulls from their favorite throwaway cable news network, or what their dimwitted co-worker feels like screaming about that particular day. People are gullible. In the eyes of evolution, we’re just shaved apes. We’re not incredibly smart. We rely on untrustworthy sources for information, and we certainly can’t always make our own informed decisions. We’ve all been guilty of accepting a claim without looking into it more, but so many people are hung up over this garbage. Not to sound like an anti-establishment anarchist trendfag here, but seriously: why is this such a big deal? The truly terrifying thing here is how people seem to want to die all the time.
Wikipedia tells us that these are the common symptoms for people who have been infected:
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in humans the symptoms of swine flu are similar to those of influenza and of influenza-like illness in general. Symptoms include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue. The 2009 outbreak has shown an increased percentage of patients reporting diarrhea and vomiting.
It all makes sense now! People who suspect they’re sick, or suffer from any of the above symptoms, have now all been conveniently self-upgraded to “swine flu zombie.” I’m sure that, as I’m writing this, someone is admitting themselves to the ER complaining of swine flu without any of the symptoms above. Does anyone know what the word psychosomatic means?
Some morons have even started to boycott pork products, assuming that the virus can even be spread in that fashion. Apparently, US officials are now trying to “re-brand” swine flu, and give it the replacement name “2009 H1N1 virus” instead. Yes, apparently people are so retarded, presumptuous, and gullible, that they’ve been boycotting enough of something that they have no reason to boycott that our government may quietly change it to something less terror-inducing. Props to whoever’s in charge of changing the name, though. The idiots who prompted the proposed change are the same people who will undoubtedly assume that the H1N1 virus is something new and different and non-threatening, and jump right back into their routine schedule of sausage, pork rinds and pigs’ feet every morning.
What are the odds of you, personally, contracting the swine flu? Do you even know if you live in a state that has had a confirmed case? Only 150 people have died in Mexico, the country of origin, and a tiny handful have died elsewhere. You’re statistically more likely to overdose on caffeine or choke to death on a hot dog than to contract, much less die from, the swine flu. Perhaps we should start to boycott hot dogs. The damn things make me sick more than a slab of swine flu-positive bacon ever has anyway. For that matter, why don’t we boycott pigs altogether? All we ask from them is to live short, pointless lives, then take jogs through the slaughter house, and they have to go and f**k it up.
On that note, this has happened before. For those of you too young to remember (it’s funny because I’m 20), the US was swept by a deadly wave of swine influenza in the 70s. Wikipedia has an interesting sub-article on it, but long story shot, it turned out that there was a total of one fatality. Whoah, what a coincidence. I’m certainly not saying that I expect zero additional fatalities, but I am saying that this is yet another curious media-fueled rare disease outbreak that people misinterpret to be some kind of Satan-induced black plague times a zillion. Sure, there was an uproar against the government during the 1976 outbreak. After all, it was all their fault then, too. It was also the government who ended up helping immunize about 1/3 of the entire population to help dispel needless fear and even after numerous setbacks, because of a couple of old men who happened to croak after getting their shots. The inoculations were never linked to their deaths (dude, they were old farts anyway), and no one besides them became reported sickness or death after being inoculated, but that didn’t stop the outraged public from screaming their lungs out about how the government wasn’t doing enough.
Let’s just hope it doesn’t get to that point again, although I’m almost certain it will. The bottom line is, keep eating pork, don’t believe everything you hear, and you don’t have the swine flu. Neither does that fat girl with cheeto crumbs on her shirt that sits next to you in Basic Computers 1.
(via)
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
People, Have We Learned Nothing From The Movie Outbreak?
The swine flu is here, people. This is not a time to stay calm, this is a time for fraking panic. I don’t know how viruses spread, nor have I read any in-depth articles about the swine flu, but I have watched the movie Outbreak twice, and Morgan Freeman is in that movie and he has a voice that sounds super smart. There are three things we need to do, do avoid the END OF THE WORLD.
1. Buy These Suits
That’s right, those surgical masks won’t do crap. You know how I know those masks don’t work? Because I wore one when I was 9 and painted the house with my brother, and he grabbed my head and farted on my mouth and it smelled like I lived inside his asshole. If that can penetrate the mask, so can swine flu. Everybody in Outbreak who didn’t wear one of these suits, had to be in a scene with Dustin Hoffman where they died from the virus and then Dustin Hoffman gave a monologue about how he wished he had done more sooner. You don’t want to hear that monologue when you’re all. Just buy the suit.
2. Don't Trust Anyone In The Government
When the s**t hits the fan, there’s going to be a ton of government dudes running around with tanks and guns, yelling at us to move into quarantined areas. Quarantined areas where they can blow you the f**k up. When s**t is crazy, look around and see if you can find any kindly doctors who are screaming crazing sounding conspiracy theories. Those are the ones you should trust.
3. Quarantine and Blow Up Phoenix, Arizona
I know I just advocated against blowing up large areas, but Phoenix is just a really crappy city, so I think if we have the chance to sort of just wipe it off the map, we should. Nobody would care, I swear to you. You know how when you go away for vacation and then come back and they delivered a bunch of newspapers to your house and they’re all yellow and faded from the sun, and smell like dog urine? That’s pretty much Phoenix. We can move people out of it if you want, whatever, we just need to start over from the ground up there.
(via Holy Taco)
1. Buy These Suits
That’s right, those surgical masks won’t do crap. You know how I know those masks don’t work? Because I wore one when I was 9 and painted the house with my brother, and he grabbed my head and farted on my mouth and it smelled like I lived inside his asshole. If that can penetrate the mask, so can swine flu. Everybody in Outbreak who didn’t wear one of these suits, had to be in a scene with Dustin Hoffman where they died from the virus and then Dustin Hoffman gave a monologue about how he wished he had done more sooner. You don’t want to hear that monologue when you’re all. Just buy the suit.2. Don't Trust Anyone In The Government
When the s**t hits the fan, there’s going to be a ton of government dudes running around with tanks and guns, yelling at us to move into quarantined areas. Quarantined areas where they can blow you the f**k up. When s**t is crazy, look around and see if you can find any kindly doctors who are screaming crazing sounding conspiracy theories. Those are the ones you should trust. 3. Quarantine and Blow Up Phoenix, Arizona
I know I just advocated against blowing up large areas, but Phoenix is just a really crappy city, so I think if we have the chance to sort of just wipe it off the map, we should. Nobody would care, I swear to you. You know how when you go away for vacation and then come back and they delivered a bunch of newspapers to your house and they’re all yellow and faded from the sun, and smell like dog urine? That’s pretty much Phoenix. We can move people out of it if you want, whatever, we just need to start over from the ground up there.(via Holy Taco)
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Help Sean Hannity for Charity!
On April 23, Sean Hannity said on his show that he'd let himself be waterboarded for charity.We'd like to help in the cause. Seriously. Click here for more information.
Hey, I'm in.
There's even a Facebook group!
This just keeps getting better and better!
Idea: T-Shirts for Hairy-Chested Men
As the weather gets warmer, smooth-chested guys nationwide will be hanging out shirtless in parks and on beaches. A hairless chest is so trendy these days that it’s practically a fashion accessory. But what’s a guy with a hairy chest supposed to do? How can he incorporate his hairy chest in his own fashion?
Well, that’s why I’ve come up with T-Shirts for Hairy-Chested Men, with strategic cutouts that allow your hairy chest to show through. They could feature portraits of famous curly-haired celebrities like Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, and Harpo Marx (for blondes). At last, the Hairy-Chested Man can finally showcase his own natural chest hair with style.
(via)
Well, that’s why I’ve come up with T-Shirts for Hairy-Chested Men, with strategic cutouts that allow your hairy chest to show through. They could feature portraits of famous curly-haired celebrities like Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, and Harpo Marx (for blondes). At last, the Hairy-Chested Man can finally showcase his own natural chest hair with style.
(via)
Monday, April 27, 2009
My Head Asploded...
If you're looking for a quick way to wake up on this lovely Monday, click on any the three following pictures.
Good Lord:
This is the craziest one in the bunch. Click on this sucker and see how long you can look at it before your eyes pop out:
Good Lord:
This is the craziest one in the bunch. Click on this sucker and see how long you can look at it before your eyes pop out:
Sunday, April 26, 2009
NOW we're cookin' - MEAT CARDS!
We start with 100% beef jerky, and SEAR your contact information into it with a 150 WATT CO2 LASER.Screw die-cutting. Forget about foil, popups, or UV spot lamination. THESE business cards have two ingredients: MEAT AND LASERS.
Unlike other business cards, MEAT CARDS will retain value after the econopocalypse. Hoard and barter your calorie-rich, life-sustaining cards.
MEAT CARDS do not fit in a Rolodex, because their deliciousness CANNOT BE CONTAINED in a Rolodex.
(I love this. More here)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
The Five Best Things to Say If You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
NUMBER 5: ‘They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.’NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.’
NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!’
NUMBER 2: ‘Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?’
Number 1: And MY all time Favorite: (Raising your head slowly) '... in Jesus' name, Amen.’
(Thanks, Melody!)
How to Tell If You're Going Too Fast
Eldest unmarried son William will be getting his Learner's Permit in the next couple of months. This is something that has been scaring me to death for the past 15 years... but hey, it's a rite of passage. I fully expect to add to my growing collection of Dad's Annoying Sayings (which include but are not limited to, "Pull your pants up" and "Turn that noise down!") something along the lines of "Hey, back off the accelerator there, Sparky." In preparation for that, here are some visual clues on How to Tell If You're Going Too Fast:
Peruvian Coke
"Tastes like bubble gum; looks like piss."- BFF Donna (who's MARRIED to a Peruvian)
Apparently this diet version of this stuff is pret'near impossible to get here in LA, but readily available in Miami (where I'm going in a couple of weeks). Expect a report.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Kirk vs. Picard vs. Kirk
The new Star Trek movie opens in a couple of weeks, and the buzz is that this one is going to be the Summer's blockbuster. Some are already suggesting that it could rival last year’s Batman movie, “The Dark Knight,” and introduce “Star Trek” to a legion of new fans. After it's released on May 8, there will probably be a lot more to add to this list, but right now, here are...The Top 42 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Cooler Than Captain Picard
42. One Word: Hair.
41. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
40. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
39. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
38. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
37. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
36. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
35. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
34. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
33. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
32. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
31. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
30. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
29. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
28. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
27. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
26. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busybody named after a letter of the alphabet.
25. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
24. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
23. Picard never met Joan Collins.
22 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
21. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
20. Kirk knows how to deal with peace-loving hippy goofs.
19. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
18. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he only asks Spock.
17. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
16. One Word: Fisticuffs.
15. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
14. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
13. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
12. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
11. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
10. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.
9. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
8. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
7. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
6. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
5. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.
4. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
3. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
HOWEVER, there are those of us among the ranks of the more well-informed who do believe that Kirk was completely overmatched by the Frenchman with the British accent (and this, dear friends, is why it's called Science Fiction)
So here are a few arguments to the contrary:
The Top 25 Reasons Why Captain Picard is Cooler Than Captain Kirk
25. When Picard marries a couple, he doesn't lose the groom in battle.
24. Picard can speak in more languages than Kirk has ever heard.
23. Kirk was the first captain to see a Romulan, but Picard went to Romulus & kicked their butts.
22. Kirk never met a female alien he didn't like...
21. Kirk bested an old, tired-ass has-been called Apollo, while Picard has bested an omnipotent being several times.
20. Picard can be vulnerable with women.
19. Picard has better taste in recreation (who needs a local bar when you've got a holodeck).
18. Picard looks better as a detective than Kirk does as a gangster.
17. Picard got to crown the leader of the Klingon high council.
16. Picard saved the Federation from the space bugs.
15. Picard became a Borg.
14. Picard can quote Shakespeare & doesn't need spectacles to read it.
13. Picard can fence.
12. Picard makes a better Romulan than Kirk does.
11. Picard is a wine connoisseur.
10. Picard punches Ferengi as well as Kirk ever punched the wimpy Klingons of the first series.
9. Picard never let a bald midget in a dwarf ship with a scary dummy fake him out for an entire episode.
8. Picard didn't let some female with a loose screw take over his body & his ship while sticking him in her body.
7. Picard hasn't EVER had to spend an entire episode ridding his ship of furry hairballs which reproduce.
6. Picard doesn't lose as many red shirts.
5. Picard has killed Klingons in hand-to-hand combat on several different occasions.
4. Picard takes the Prime Directive seriously.
3. Picard can swear in Klingon.
2. Kirk never climbed a turbo shaft with a foxy lady & got it on in the bowels of the ship.
1. Kirk never mind melded with a Vulcan to help the VULCAN with his self control.
~ and ~
101 MORE Reasons Why Captain Picard is Cooler Than Captain Kirk...
101. Two Words: better voice.
100. Picard's ship's counselor traded in her miniskirt for that great low-cut neckline.
99. Kirk fought over women. Picard had women fight over him.
98. Picard fire both photon torpedoes AND phasers at the same time when in battle.
97. Picard's ship is better than Kirk's -- better, faster, stronger.
96. Picard hates children -- Kirk once rescued a bunch of patricidal little maniacs, tried to console them, and almost lost his ship and crew in the process.
95. Picard was responsible for Beverly Crusher's husband dying, berated her son constantly in her presence, yet still managed to make her fall for him.
94. Though admittedly he's seldom a patron, Picard's ship actually has a BAR.
93. Kirk fought others himself, Picard has others do his fighting for him.
92. When nurse Chapel re-appeared as Troi's mother, she fell for Picard.
91. In seven years, Picard never developed a gut like Kirk's.
90. Picard was never killed by his first officer.
89. Picard's family made alcoholic beverages for a living.
88. Kirk kept losing security guards throughout each season; Picard has kept Worf for seven years.
87. No member of Picard's crew was EVER based on a member of the Monkees.
86. Two words: better actor.
85. Picard can do better impressions of his first officer.
84. Picard single-handedly saved the Federation, the Klingon Empire, and all of humanity while still a lowly captain.
83. Picard's a better musician than Kirk, while admittedly that's not saying much.
82. Picard's crewmembers sleep with one another on a regular basis.
81. Picard's crew gambles.
80. Picard's engine room has that neat warp coil that glows.
79. Picard's ship has better control panels instead of a series of Lite-Brite boards.
78. Picard would never star in a show like "T.J. Hooker."
77. Picard would never have allowed Charlie X aboard his ship.
76. No cheesy sideburns. 'Nuff said.
75. Picard's first officer never seized control of the ship to transport a former captain anywhere.
74. Despite the Borg incident, Picard is still welcome back at Starfleet Headquarters. Kirk’s name is an anathema to Starfleet Headquarters and alien races alike.
73. Picard never ordered his ship to self-destruct as a bluff; when he orders it to do so, he MEANS it.
72. Picard's ship was never taken over by its own computer and made to attack other Starfleet vessels.
71. Picard has never been made into a bad Filmation cartoon.
70. Picard was able to bring Denise Crosby back from the dead. Need we say more?
69. Picard infiltrated Romulus, posed as an intergalactic mercenary, and was tortured extensively after capture by the Cardassians -- and never broke a sweat.
68. Picard has never been demoted.
67. Picard has never had his body taken over by a former lover.
66. Picard has never developed amnesia and thought he was an Indian.
65. Picard has never encountered aliens from weird planets like "Zatar."
64. Picard's quarters have a window.
63. Nobody ever back-slaps Picard.
62. Picard was never involved in any hokey shootouts at the OK corral.
61. Picard is a caffeine addict. (All that Earl Grey tea.)
60. One word: Leadership.
59. Kirk is not a sex symbol. Never was, never will be.
58. If Picard had a son, he wouldn't lose a fight to a Klingon whose commander was Christopher Lloyd.
57. Speaking of losing, Picard has never lost a first officer to a man who once made a career out of selling Chrysler Cordobas, either.
56. Picard would never be so stupid as to go rock climbing without equipment and rely on an overweight first officer with rocket boots to save him.
55. Picard would never stand for playing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" around a campfire.
54. When Picard enters a room, people fall silent; when Kirk enters one, they keep on drinking.
53. Picard has that cool, futuristic artificial heart.
52. When Picard has an alternate reality experience, it's worth watching and caring about.
51. Picard never expects the impossible from his engineer.
50. When Klingons are aboard Picard's ship, they don't go rampaging about with 17th century weaponry.
49. Picard has more class than Kirk ever had.
48. If poor judgment were bricks, Kirk would be a housing project.
47. Picard had the chutzpah to admit when he screwed up instead of putting on a face which only made things worse.
46. Picard doesn't rely on the Organians to help him settle intergalactic squabbles.
45. Picard gets along with the aliens aboard his ship.
44. It's unlikely Picard ever contracted a sexually-transmitted disease.
43. One word: diagnostic (Never heard it on the old show.)
42. All that cool technical jargon (Also never heard on old show.)
41. Picard has hair on his chest.
40. Picard can actually make being bald, middle-aged, and scrawny look sexy & macho.
39. Kirk sat alone in the middle of his bridge; Picard kept counselor Troi within easy reach and view at all times.
38. Picard has never mutinied or had his crew mutiny against him.
37. When Picard gets drunk, he tracks mud all over the house and gets in a fight. When Kirk gets drunk, he passes out.
36. Picard hired Whoopi Goldberg to work in his bar.
35. Picard is not afraid to mind-meld.
34. Picard's ex kept her name even after the divorce; Kirk's kept it a secret even from her son.
33. Picard like solving mysteries; Kirk couldn't figure one out if he tried.
32. Picard has never messed up with the transporter.
31. Picard has never been bitten by a Mugatto, nor has he ever allowed shape-shifting salt vampires aboard his ship, either.
30. Picard has never aged prematurely.
29. Picard wasn't afraid to take on Satan.
28. Picard knows Gilgamesh & is able to recite it.
27. Picard argues with his captors while being tortured, Kirk merely screams in agony.
26. Picard never brought a woman back from the 20th Century only to have her blow him off in front of the entire Federation assembly.
25. When Picard talks, people listen.
24. If Picard were a late-night talk show host, he'd be Dick Cavett. If Kirk were a late-night talk show host, he'd be Chevy Chase.
23. NO ONE laughs when Picard's Doctor says, "He's dead, Jean-Luc."
22. Picard has never kissed a Romulan.
21. Picard has never crashed in San Francisco bay in a pirated spacecraft.
20. Picard would never have brought "Nomad" aboard his ship.
19. If Khan came aboard Picard's ship, Picard would have had the common sense to restrict what technical manuals he would've been allowed to review.
18. If Picard found a huge glowing sphere in the middle of outer space only to discover it was controlled by a child with an ugly puppet, he'd be pissed.
17. Picard would never ATTEMPT hand-to-hand combat with a Gorn.
16. Picard would never have dropped the charges against Khan.
15. Kirk actually tried to defend the idea of intergalactic war with the Klingons.
14. When Kirk went back in time, he frequently messed with history to suit his own ends.
13. Picard probably would have found the Galileo 7 in less time than it took Kirk.
12. Three words: Better costume variety.
11. Kirk tries, usually unsuccessfully, to respect other cultures. Picard tries, usually successfully, to get other cultures to respect him.
10. Kirk's occasional game of choice is 3-D chess, Picard's is poker.
9. "Picard" has more syllables than "Kirk."
8. Can't forget those neat collar insignias.
7. Picard's not afraid to deal with more advanced cultures & has done so on a number of occasions.
6. Picard's been on both Klingon birds-of-prey AND the heavy cruisers (and lived to tell about it).
5. When Picard goes undercover, he makes it look easy.
4. Though Picard has contempt for aliens like the Cardassians, he doesn't let it show.
3. Kirk wears boots -- Picard wears shoes. And as we all know, it's gotta be the shoes...
2. Assimilating has never been a problem for Picard.
1. Picard has never trashed Gene Roddenberry.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Happy Birthday, Bill Shakespeare!
Ya know, I believe it was our buddy Bill Shakespeare who said, "To err is human, but to forgive, well that's right on."
- Vince Vaughn in "Starsky and Hutch
Today is the 445th birthday of William Shakespeare (Even so, refer below to why you should "Never Say the Name of the Scottish Play"). At any rate, the Chicago Shakespeare Theater has designated today as "Talk Like Shakespeare Day."
Here are some of their helpful hints on getting started:
1. Instead of you, say thou. Instead of y’all, say thee.
2. Rhymed couplets are all the rage.
3. Men are Sirrah, ladies are Mistress, and your friends are all called Cousin.
4. Instead of cursing, try calling your tormenters jackanapes or canker-blossoms or poisonous bunch-back’d toads.
5. Don’t waste time saying "it," just use the letter "t" (’tis, t’will, I’ll do’t).
6. Verse for lovers, prose for ruffians, songs for clowns.
7. When in doubt, add the letters "eth" to the end of verbs (he runneth, he trippeth, he falleth).
8. To add weight to your opinions, try starting them with methinks, mayhaps, in sooth or wherefore.
9. When wooing ladies: try comparing her to a summer’s day. If that fails, say "Get thee to a nunnery!"
10. When wooing lads: try dressing up like a man. If that fails, throw him in the Tower, banish his friends and claim the throne.
- Vince Vaughn in "Starsky and Hutch
Today is the 445th birthday of William Shakespeare (Even so, refer below to why you should "Never Say the Name of the Scottish Play"). At any rate, the Chicago Shakespeare Theater has designated today as "Talk Like Shakespeare Day."
Here are some of their helpful hints on getting started:
1. Instead of you, say thou. Instead of y’all, say thee.
2. Rhymed couplets are all the rage.
3. Men are Sirrah, ladies are Mistress, and your friends are all called Cousin.
4. Instead of cursing, try calling your tormenters jackanapes or canker-blossoms or poisonous bunch-back’d toads.
5. Don’t waste time saying "it," just use the letter "t" (’tis, t’will, I’ll do’t).
6. Verse for lovers, prose for ruffians, songs for clowns.
7. When in doubt, add the letters "eth" to the end of verbs (he runneth, he trippeth, he falleth).
8. To add weight to your opinions, try starting them with methinks, mayhaps, in sooth or wherefore.
9. When wooing ladies: try comparing her to a summer’s day. If that fails, say "Get thee to a nunnery!"
10. When wooing lads: try dressing up like a man. If that fails, throw him in the Tower, banish his friends and claim the throne.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Disney Gals Chat
(Transcript of the Disney Heroine Round Table, 2009 Edition, held in King Stefan's Banquet Hall at Walt Disney World on April 21, 2009, Snow White moderating.)Snow: Well, this is all tremendously exciting. Every decade or so, the nice folks at Disney sponsor a get-together with all the lead actresses of recent animated features. This gives us a chance to chat, exchange tips on how to clean house ...
Jasmine: Allah, give me strength.
Snow: ... and, over all, just get to know each other as girls.
Belle: Women.
Snow: Since I was the first full-length Disney heroine, they generally ask me to moderate. And I'd like to welcome this year's guests - Princess Jasmine from "Aladdin" ...
Jasmine: Is this going to take long?
Snow: Belle from "Beauty and the Beast" - and congratulations again on that Best Picture nomination.
Belle: Thank you. We were robbed. Losing to a cannibal - now, what does that say about society and its priorities? In the words of Sartre ...
Snow: And, of course, Ariel from "The Little Mermaid."
Ariel: It's exciting to meet you, Snow.
Snow: Thank you. Umm, you're dripping on my clean floor.
Ariel: Oh. Sorry.
Snow: We were also going to be joined by Olivia Flaversham, the plucky little heroine from "The Great Mouse Detective." But we had a bit of a mishap, because someone on the panel couldn't control her rather large kitty cat.
Jasmine: Look, I already said I was sorry. I'm no happier about it than anybody else. If the damned invitation had _said_ there were going to be mice running around, I wouldn't have brought Rajah along in the first place. OK? Let's move on.
Snow: I must say, before we start, that I admit my breath is a bit taken away by the changes in clothing styles for Disney heroines. With your little harem outfit, Jasmine, and you, Ariel, with your - shells - and both of you with all that skin hanging out: It seems a trifle - what's the word?
Belle: Sluttish?
Ariel: Oh, well, thanks a lot! Big talk from someone whose idea of a good time is sitting around in an apron talking to sheep.
Belle: You talk to fish.
Ariel: But they talk back.
Snow: Actually, I was going to say "daring" rather than "sluttish." But this really brings us to our first point of discussion: Namely, what do you think our role in movies today should be?
Jasmine: I'll tell you what it _shouldn't_ be. It shouldn't be sitting around waiting for someone to "take you away from it all." I mean, come on. Could you see me singing, "Some day my prince will come"? Ack ack ack.
Snow: You don't have to stick your finger down your throat and gag, Jasmine. It happens to be a lovely song.
Ariel: Jasmine's right. Life isn't something that happens to you. Life is what you make happen. You have to take control. That’s what I did.
Jasmine: Me, too.
Belle: So did I.
Jasmine: Oh, sure. Right.
Belle: I did! Really!
Ariel: Sure you did. First you walked around town, looking down your nose and talking about how provincial all these hard-working villagers are and how there has to be more to life than that. If Cruella De Vil had sung the exact same thing, people would have said it was the most arrogant song ever written.
Belle: But ...
Jasmine: And, while you said you want more out of life, you didn't do anything to get it.
Belle: Yes, I did! I gave up my liberty, sacrificing for my father! I promised I'd stay a prisoner in the Beast's castle, forever!
Ariel: Uh huh. And how long was it before you went running out the front door saying, "Promise or no promise, I can't stay here another minute?" A week? A month? A year?
Belle: Uhm ... well, actually ... about three, four hours, maybe. But there are such things as promises made under duress, and they’re not always binding. Perhaps it's Machiavellian, but even so -
Jasmine: Well there's a woman of her word. Some heroine.
Snow: Ladies, I think we're getting off the topic.
Jasmine: Me, I defied my father. I had the guts to go against what he said and run off.
Ariel: Your father. Heh.
Jasmine: What's that supposed to mean?
Ariel: The two of you with your fathers. You defied yours, she sacrificed for hers. And you've both got these roly-poly, cute, comedy-relief fathers. Me, I've got the King of the Sea for mine. He throws around energy bolts and can bench press a whale. I'm the only one with real guts here.
Belle: More guts than brains, that's for sure. Cutting deals with the Sea Witch. _There_ was a smooth move. Obviously, if you'd ever read anything by Marlowe, you'd have realized the folly of that.
Snow: Belle, who are all these people you're talking about?
Belle: Authors. Playwrights. Philosophers. Crack open a book, why don't you? You, too, Miss Turkish Trunks. And you too, Fishy.
Ariel: I read books. Human books.
Belle: Oh, right. You can't remember tough words like "feet" and you don't know why fire burns. How'd they miss having you on “Jeopardy,” I wonder. Oh, and here's a news flash for you: It's a fork, OK? A fork! You eat food with a fork. You don't comb your hair with it. If you combed your hair with it, it would be called a comb, not a fork. All right, Einstein?
Jasmine: Some of us have royal duties to attend to and don't have a lot of time for books.
Belle: That is so typical. You three are just typical elitist examples of the societal class structure. All of you, born to royalty. Bored children of privilege.
Snow: But you're royalty, too! At the end of the movie, you married ... uh ... what was his real name?
Belle: I ... don't know. Besides, I was talking about being born to entitlement. You lived your lives in castles, children of kings and queens - or at least kings, since there never seem to be any queens in Disney films. So you endured a couple of days of hardship, dabbling in the sort of life that I lived every single day, before you settled down with your prince. It's disgusting. Particularly you, Ariel, who totally subverted everything she was in order to be part of her man's world.
Ariel: Oh, yeah? You looked pretty comfortable strutting around in that big yellow gown at the end. I didn't see you fighting to remain a peasant.
Belle: That's all the underprivileged masses are to you, aren't they? Peasants? The Proletariat. In the words of Karl Marx -
Ariel: Oh, Lord, here she goes again.
Snow: Actually, this presents us with a topic that might not cause such bickering: Namely, what do you look for in a prince?
Ariel: Well, for me, it was love at first sight. I watched him dancing, and talking, and ... I just knew.
Jasmine: "I just knew. I just knew." A guy flashes a smile and a royal title at you, and you get mushy. Love at first sight is a convenient excuse not to think.
Snow: Some of us, Jasmine, are fortunate enough to meet our prince and be drawn to him immediately. Others of us turn princes into kitty treats for our tigers.
Jasmine: Some of us, Snow, prefer thinking. Ariel, your prince was heroic enough, but about as thick as a brick.
Ariel: Why, you ...
Jasmine: And you, Snow: You never so much as spoke to the guy. How could you possibly have known he was the man for you? What about him could possibly have drawn you to him?
Snow: If you want to know why I love him so, it's in his kiss.
Jasmine: _That's_ where it is?
Belle: You're really pathetic, Snow, you know that? Not that I can stand Ariel or Jasmine, but Eric defeated Ursula, and Ariel went off with him. Aladdin defeated Jafar, and Jasmine married Aladdin. But the dwarves ...
Snow: Dwarfs.
Belle: Whatever. ... risked their lives for you - they adored you - and then some jerk prince comes along, gives you three seconds of liplock, and you abandon the dwarves ...
Snow: Dwarfs.
Belle: _Whatever!_ ... and go riding off with him. What an ingrate.
Snow: *_Sniff._*
Ariel: Oh, great. Now you made her cry.
Jasmine: She's a big girl. She can take it.
Ariel: That's about the kind of empathy I'd expect from someone who walks around in her pajamas all day.
Jasmine: Fish Face.
Ariel: Baklava Breath.
Belle: Ah, the upper class, displaying their typical -
Ariel and Jasmine: _Shut up!_
_(A young blonde girl enters.)_
Eilonwy: Excuse me? Am I too late for the meeting?
Snow: Who (_sniffle_) who are you?
Eilonwy: I'm Eilonwy. I'm a princess.
Belle: Oh, terrific. Another example of the -
Jasmine: I'm warning you, Belle: Rajah's still hungry.
Snow: I'm sorry, dear. You're who?
Eilonwy: Princess Eilonwy.
Snow: Well ... I don't know who sent you here, but this is for Disney heroines.
Eilonwy: But I am a Disney heroine. I was in “The Black Cauldron.”
_(Blank stares from everyone.)_
Ariel: The what?
Eilonwy: Based on "The Chronicles of Prydain" books ...
Snow: Books? Belle, I hate to ask ...
Belle: Oh, right, now they come groveling.
Jasmine: Rajah! Time for din -
Belle: OK, OK. It was a fantasy series by Lloyd Alexander.
Eilonwy: Right! And I was in the movie!
Jasmine: What movie?
Eilonwy: Oh, come on, didn't _anyone_ see it? 1985? 80 minutes long? Supposed to usher in a new era of Disney animation?
Ariel: Actually, my film did that.
Jasmine: Oh, aren't we full of ourselves.
Eilonwy: Sword-and-sorcery epic? There was me and Taran the assistant pig-keeper, and Fflewddur Fflam ...
Jasmine: You _must_ be joking.
Snow: No, wait! I remember now. I got a ticket for an advance screening. But I was busy that night, so I sent Happy instead.
Eilonwy: What did he think?
Snow: He hated it. I've never seen Happy complain that much - or at all. But he just kept talking about how awful it was. Grumpy finally had to slap him.
Eilonwy: That's not fair! We were ground breaking!
Belle: Poor spoiled princess, just like all the others. Boo-hoo.
Jasmine: That's it. Rajah!
Rajah: Rawwrrrrr!!
Belle: Eeeeeekk!!
_(Sebastian walks in.)_
Sebastian: Ariel, da king wants to know how long - _eeepp_!
Rajah: Raarrrr!
Belle: Let me out! _Let me out!_
Sebastian: Ohhh, mon!
Ariel: Put him down! I mean it!
Jasmine: Pajamas, huh?
Snow: You know, these discussion groups used to be fun. Me and Cindy, we'd sit and chat for hours. Sure, Aurora would keep dozing off ...
Belle: Shut up! Knock off that high-pitched little-girl voice! It's making me nuts! And get me the hell out of here!
Snow: Well, I hope you'll all join us for our next discussion group -
Sebastian: _Arrrieellll!_
Rajah: *_Chomp_* *_Chomp_*
Ariel: Jasmine! Make him spit him out! Right now!
Snow: It's going to be called, "Life's a Bitch, and So Am I." Participants will be Lady from “Lady and the Tramp,” Perdita from “101 Dalmations,” and Georgette from “Oliver and Company.” I'm sure the fur will really fly. Thanks for coming. Hi ho, hi ho.
Rajah: *_Urrrrrggggg
Monday, April 20, 2009
Happy 4/20, Troops!
What's the Highest...
• possible SAT score – 2400
• crime rate cities in the US - Camden NJ, San Antonio TX, Columbus, Cleveland, Cincinnati OH
• you can see with the naked eye – 2.54 million light years (the Andromeda Galaxy)
• point on Earth – surprisingly, not Everest, but the top of Mt. Chimborazo in Equador
• grossing film – Titanic
• tennis court in the World – Burj Al Arab in Dubai
• temperature ever recorded on Earth – 136 F at Al' Aziziyah, Libya in September of 1922
• temperature possible - the Planck temperature, or 1.41679 x 10^32 Kelvins
• place to live – 420 Stoner Rd, Bardstown, KY
• possible SAT score – 2400
• crime rate cities in the US - Camden NJ, San Antonio TX, Columbus, Cleveland, Cincinnati OH
• you can see with the naked eye – 2.54 million light years (the Andromeda Galaxy) • point on Earth – surprisingly, not Everest, but the top of Mt. Chimborazo in Equador
• grossing film – Titanic
• tennis court in the World – Burj Al Arab in Dubai• temperature ever recorded on Earth – 136 F at Al' Aziziyah, Libya in September of 1922
• temperature possible - the Planck temperature, or 1.41679 x 10^32 Kelvins• place to live – 420 Stoner Rd, Bardstown, KY
Sunday, April 19, 2009
New Wristwatch
When used correctly, this watch always tells the correct time
How, you say?
To adjust the time you just buy a new beer and it will be showing the correct time again.
(via)
How, you say?
To adjust the time you just buy a new beer and it will be showing the correct time again.
(via)
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Renaissance Pleasure Faire, '09
The annual Ren Faire is something the boys and I like to hit every year. This year, we brought along Jack's BFF Anna T (who he's known since kindergarten, AND who apparently wants to start being called "Anya." Whatever).
The first thing they wanted to do was the Giant Swing. Always a winner, they had a blast, and Jack and Anna (whups, Anya) lost their shoes...
Some of the costumes were incredibly elaborate, and many got completely into character. There were a few cases, though, of some people not entirely understanding this 16th-Century England thing...
All three of the kids indulged in some Henna tattoos...
All in all - a great day.
The first thing they wanted to do was the Giant Swing. Always a winner, they had a blast, and Jack and Anna (whups, Anya) lost their shoes...
Some of the costumes were incredibly elaborate, and many got completely into character. There were a few cases, though, of some people not entirely understanding this 16th-Century England thing...
All three of the kids indulged in some Henna tattoos...
All in all - a great day.
You Might Be a School Employee If...
... you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
... you want to bitch slap into next week the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off!”
... it’s difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.
... you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail.. ..anything!!! - without ever looking outside.
... you believe, “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on a report card.
... you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”
... when, out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you don’t know and correct their behavior.
... you have no social life between August and June.
... you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
... you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.
... you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the “lounge.”
... you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.
... you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
... you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.
... meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, “Why is this kid like this?”
... you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.
... you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons.. ..and desks and chairs for that matter!
... the words “I have college debt for this?” have ever come out of your mouth.
... you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year.
(Courtesy of the Lovely and Talented AmyOops)
... you want to bitch slap into next week the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off!”
... it’s difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.
... you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail.. ..anything!!! - without ever looking outside.
... you believe, “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on a report card.
... you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”
... when, out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you don’t know and correct their behavior.
... you have no social life between August and June.
... you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
... you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.
... you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the “lounge.”
... you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.
... you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
... you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.
... meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, “Why is this kid like this?”
... you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.
... you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons.. ..and desks and chairs for that matter!
... the words “I have college debt for this?” have ever come out of your mouth.
... you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year.
(Courtesy of the Lovely and Talented AmyOops)
Friday, April 17, 2009
Ren Faire this weekend
So we're heading out there to scope out the turkey legs, swashbuckling heroes and saucy wenches. Expect pictures.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen!
Two weeks from tonight, The Hamilton High School Academy of Music starts a three-week run of Stephen Sondheim's "Gypsy." Eldest unmarried son William has a pivotal role as Mr. Goldstone - the guy who runs the Orpheum circuit. Now, while he has no lines NOR any songs, there's an entire musical number built around HIM, hence I'm calling it "Gypsy, starring William Tucker." He also plays "Pastey," the Wichita Burlesque Stage Manager (and he even has a few lines!).As a performing arts magnet high school, Hamilton puts on some kickass shows, so if you can spare the chump change it takes to get in, I'd highly recommend it! Call (310) 280-1477 for tickets and tell 'em you want William to get the credit for the sale (apparently there are prizes).
I might even be able to get you an autograph!
Mister Rogers v. Sen. John Pastore – 1969
Here's the background: On May 1, 1969, Fred Rogers appeared before the United States Senate Subcommittee on Communications, chaired by the tough-as-nails John O. Pastore. His goal was to support funding for PBS and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, in response to significant proposed cuts by President Richard Nixon. Listen as Pastore’s sarcastic skepticism gives way to childlike wonder at the soft-spoken words of this 40-year old Presbyterian minister:
Lindsey Lohan's eHarmony Profile
Okay, most everybody's already seen this, but it's freakin' BRILLIANT... so if you haven't, here you go...
(Thanks, Uncle Mel)
(Thanks, Uncle Mel)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
"If they can do it, what's our excuse?"
The Odd Couple of the Animal World
Thanks, Smalls (You're killin' me...)
Thanks, Smalls (You're killin' me...)
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Black Bra Society
The Black Bra Society
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
(Thanks, Debbie!)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
(Thanks, Debbie!)
Don't Judge a Book By Its Cover
Remember Paul Potts, from "Britain's Got Talent" last year? Check this out...
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
The first picture of a man in space, taken from the GROUND!
I don't know if this has ever been done before. Awhile back, Bad Astronomy posted an incredible pic, taken from a ground-based telescope, of the International Space Station and the Space Shuttle (others can be found here), but this one takes the CAKE.
The explanation, from The Astronomy Picture of the Day:
These two frames, taken with a video camera and a telescope, reveal remarkable details of the International Space Station (ISS) orbiting some 350 kilometers above planet Earth. Recorded during last month's visit by the crew of shuttle orbiter Discovery on mission STS-119, the pictures show extended solar arrays glinting in bright sunlight against a dark sky. They also likely capture the blurred image of a spacewalking astronaut during the mission's EVA-2 (Extravehicular Activity-2)! The astronaut is installing equipment along one of the station's truss assemblies. Astronomer Ralf Vandebergh, who often images the ISS during its favorable passes through Dutch skies, comments that no other bright ISS structures occupy the position indicated in the inset, and that a reflective, white-suited astronaut would be visible against the truss and correspond to the bright blur. Vandebergh notes that the timing and location further suggest the spacewalker is STS-119 astronaut Joseph Acaba.
Avenue Q
We saw Avenue Q for the SECOND time last night. We watched it back in June up in Seattle, and the National Tour is just wrapping up their Southern California appearances this weekend. It was the same cast that we saw before, but I think we enjoyed it more the second time.
BFF Donna and hubby Luis came with us, and Donna's comment after the show was, "NOW I understand what you've been talking about!"
Jack was the impetus behind this Avenue Q fanaticism. A few years ago, he found the Broadway Soundtrack CD on his mother's desk, "borrowed" it, and fell in love with the songs. He got William and I hooked in, and now we're all pretty much spreading the word of "It Sucks to Be Me," "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist," "The Internet is For Porn," "What Do You Do With a B.A. in English?," and "Schadenfreude."
- Jack with Robert McClure (voice of Princeton and Rod)William summed it up best with, "It's sort of a 'Rent' meets 'Sesame Street!'"
Indeed.
Friday, April 10, 2009
"I wanna be PART of one of those!"
William's comment after seeing this: "I wanna be PART of one of those!"
The Economy is So Bad....
(another winner from the lovely and talented Miss C)
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Even companies who don’t intend to pay aren’t buying.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truck full of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Even companies who don’t intend to pay aren’t buying.
Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfeizer and Citigroup.
McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truck full of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US?"
Motel Six won't leave the light on.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Show You Love to Hate is on tonight!
My kids got me hooked on Hell's Kitchen a couple of months ago. Chef Gordon Ramsay is freakin' BRUTAL in his treatment of a motley group trying to earn the right to become the Head Chef at the Borgata Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City.
He's already washed out most of the deadwood (most notably - the whiny, in-way-over-her-head-and-should've-gone-home-WEEKS-ago Lacey. 
If I had to guess who was going home tonight, I'd say either foul-mouthed Andrea 
or the stab-your-brother-in-the-back-but-do-it-with-a-sincere-look-on-your-face BenIf I had to predict a winner, my money would be on either Giovanni or Paula.
Whaddya think?
UPDATE: Okay, so Giovanni got the axe and Andrea squeaked through. Fine. My NEW picks for the two finalists are Paula and Danny.
But I could be wrong.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
You Can't Fix Stupid
(Sent in by the lovely and talented Lady Debb)
What goes around comes around!
Did we elect these people?
Wait, did you say Civil War planes?
Yeah, let me know how that works out.
GREAT paint job, men!
"We had no idea anyone was buried there."
Hey! I didn't know we got to choose!
This one says it all.
Please, anyone, if you've seen this man . . .
What are the odds?
See, I would have guessed closer to 20.
Okay, that's just mean.
And just think, they live among us and BREED!
What goes around comes around!
Did we elect these people?
Wait, did you say Civil War planes?Yeah, let me know how that works out.
GREAT paint job, men!
"We had no idea anyone was buried there."
Hey! I didn't know we got to choose!
This one says it all.
Please, anyone, if you've seen this man . . .
What are the odds?
See, I would have guessed closer to 20.
Okay, that's just mean.And just think, they live among us and BREED!
Seattle Update
Sorry for the sparse postings for the last week - we just finished a trip up to Seattle. It was SNOWING when we arrived last Wednesday 
(William even made a snowman!), but the last four days were absolutely perfect (well, except for me somehow snapping a tendon in my right ankle, having to go to the Emergency Room and then a podiatrist, and now walking around with a walking cast and a cane).
The boys took a walk around the lake, and called me when they were on the far side (at the public boat dock).
Even with all the construction going on around there, I tend to forget how beautiful that area is...
We had a good time visiting with my mom and sister Melody.
We saw my other sister Penny, but only for a short bit). Anyway, we're still on Spring Break, but from now on we'll do it in Los Angeles!
(William even made a snowman!), but the last four days were absolutely perfect (well, except for me somehow snapping a tendon in my right ankle, having to go to the Emergency Room and then a podiatrist, and now walking around with a walking cast and a cane).The boys took a walk around the lake, and called me when they were on the far side (at the public boat dock).
Even with all the construction going on around there, I tend to forget how beautiful that area is...We had a good time visiting with my mom and sister Melody.
We saw my other sister Penny, but only for a short bit). Anyway, we're still on Spring Break, but from now on we'll do it in Los Angeles!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
In this week's "Wait... WHAT??" department
The $200,000 White Wedding For the 16-Year-Old Girl Who Lives in a Trailer
What daddy's little girl wants, daddy's little girl gets.
So when Missy Quinn insisted on a big white wedding with her boyfriend, her father said Yes. It didn't matter that she was only 16 and the groom 17.
Daddy also said Yes to a $32,000 wedding dress (which looked suspiciously like a crop top and skirt) and Yes to 150 guests at the reception. Then there were the cars, the hotels, the tiara and the $1,000 bouquet.
Missy Quinn is just 16 and lives in a caravan, but her flashy wedding could have put many celebs bashes to shame.
Missy Quinn, 16, in her $32,,000 wedding dress, has enjoyed a $200,000 white wedding paid for by her father who lives in a mobile home.
In the end, making Missy's wedding dreams come true cost her father - who lives in a caravan and surfaces driveways for a living - a whopping $200,000.
But as his princess, who hasn't been in a classroom since she was nine and wants to be a glamor model, posed for photographs, her father Simon, 35, declared it was worth every penny. 'I'm very proud of her today,' he said.
Missy was just happy to be the undisputed center of attention.
Her dress, studded with Swarovski crystals, and with a 10ft wide train, was so heavy that it took ten guests to help her struggle out of the Rolls-Royce Phantom that brought her to the church.
"It was huge. I wanted to outdo everyone else's wedding dress,' she said.
'It was extremely heavy and just standing in the church was really difficult. But despite all that, I felt just like Cinderella.'
The bill was around five times the cost of the average British wedding.
Missy said: 'It cost a fortune, but I've always wanted a big wedding and my dad has been saving for ages to pay for it.' She met Thomas at Alton Towers theme park when she was 13.
They continued to date despite her traveler family leaving their trailer park in Stoke-on-Trent every summer to tour the UK while Thomas lived with his parents in Wolverhampton.
Missy said: 'I just knew he was The One from the beginning. He's perfect.'
Her mother Theresa, 33, who married Missy's father at 16, said: 'I was surprised they wanted to get married so young in this day and age. But we could see they were madly in love.'
The couple married six days after Missy turned 16 at St Mary's Catholic Church in Congleton-Cheshire. After the ceremony-guests in feathers and crystals enjoyed champagne and an all-day buffet at the reception. Girls as young as nine showed off bikini tops, high heels and make-up.
Guest Victoria Docherty, 23, who wore a $1,400 hotpants and bra outfit, said: 'This isn't unusual - it's just what we do at weddings. It's all very extravagant. Everything is paid for by the bride's daddy.'
Missy and Thomas honeymooned in Turkey before moving into their own $36,000 trailer - a wedding gift from her parents.
(Thanks, Ivan. I think.)
via
What daddy's little girl wants, daddy's little girl gets.
So when Missy Quinn insisted on a big white wedding with her boyfriend, her father said Yes. It didn't matter that she was only 16 and the groom 17.
Daddy also said Yes to a $32,000 wedding dress (which looked suspiciously like a crop top and skirt) and Yes to 150 guests at the reception. Then there were the cars, the hotels, the tiara and the $1,000 bouquet.
Missy Quinn is just 16 and lives in a caravan, but her flashy wedding could have put many celebs bashes to shame.Missy Quinn, 16, in her $32,,000 wedding dress, has enjoyed a $200,000 white wedding paid for by her father who lives in a mobile home.
In the end, making Missy's wedding dreams come true cost her father - who lives in a caravan and surfaces driveways for a living - a whopping $200,000.
But as his princess, who hasn't been in a classroom since she was nine and wants to be a glamor model, posed for photographs, her father Simon, 35, declared it was worth every penny. 'I'm very proud of her today,' he said.
Missy was just happy to be the undisputed center of attention.
Her dress, studded with Swarovski crystals, and with a 10ft wide train, was so heavy that it took ten guests to help her struggle out of the Rolls-Royce Phantom that brought her to the church.
"It was huge. I wanted to outdo everyone else's wedding dress,' she said.'It was extremely heavy and just standing in the church was really difficult. But despite all that, I felt just like Cinderella.'
The bill was around five times the cost of the average British wedding.
Missy said: 'It cost a fortune, but I've always wanted a big wedding and my dad has been saving for ages to pay for it.' She met Thomas at Alton Towers theme park when she was 13.
They continued to date despite her traveler family leaving their trailer park in Stoke-on-Trent every summer to tour the UK while Thomas lived with his parents in Wolverhampton.
Missy said: 'I just knew he was The One from the beginning. He's perfect.'
Her mother Theresa, 33, who married Missy's father at 16, said: 'I was surprised they wanted to get married so young in this day and age. But we could see they were madly in love.'
The couple married six days after Missy turned 16 at St Mary's Catholic Church in Congleton-Cheshire. After the ceremony-guests in feathers and crystals enjoyed champagne and an all-day buffet at the reception. Girls as young as nine showed off bikini tops, high heels and make-up.
Guest Victoria Docherty, 23, who wore a $1,400 hotpants and bra outfit, said: 'This isn't unusual - it's just what we do at weddings. It's all very extravagant. Everything is paid for by the bride's daddy.'
Missy and Thomas honeymooned in Turkey before moving into their own $36,000 trailer - a wedding gift from her parents.
(Thanks, Ivan. I think.)
via
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Baby Instructions for Beth and Ron
My friends Beth and Ron are expecting their first baby in July. As a father of two, allow me to offer some Baby Care Tips.
You're Welcome.
You're Welcome.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Joke of the Week
In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out. After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports.
When it became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an 84 year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I've fallen in love with her."
"You've got to be kidding me!" exclaimed the Chief. "I'm surprised at you, Ralph. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"
(Thanks, MC)
When it became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an 84 year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I've fallen in love with her."
"You've got to be kidding me!" exclaimed the Chief. "I'm surprised at you, Ralph. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"
(Thanks, MC)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
NOW we're cookin' - SQUEEZ BACON!
A few years after WWII ended, a young man working in a small restaurant in Sweden developed a new way to process bacon. By precooking it and blending it in a special way, he was able to make a fully cooked 100% bacon paste that could be squeezed from a tube. Knowing he had discovered something paradigm-shifting, young Vilhelm Lillefläsk quickly went into business. That, dear friends, is when Squeez Bacon® was born. And this delicious delectable from Sweden has finally been brought over to the USA - now with American Flavor!
We've been working for months now with Vilhelm Lillefläsk (yes, he still runs the company!) to bring Squeez Bacon® here, and boy are we proud. Why? Because Squeez Bacon® is simply the tastiest bacon food product ever made. Did you know that it's rumored ABBA met while eating Squeez Bacon® sandwiches? And even IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad (we've heard) never travels without a case! He loves it on his American style meatballs. Ojojoj!
Vilhelm Lillefläsk's Squeez Bacon® is fully cooked 100% bacon. Due to the patented electro-mechanical process by which Squeez Bacon® is rendered, it requires no preservatives or other additives. Each serving is as healthy as real bacon, and equivalent to 4 premium slices of bacon! You can put it on sandwiches, pizza, pastas, bacon, soups, pies, eat it hot or cold (warm Squeez Bacon® on toasted rye is to die for), substitute it for bacon in your recipes, or even eat it right out of the tube like we do! If it's edible, it's better with Squeez Bacon®. In the immortal words of Vilhelm Lillefläsk, "Aldrig kommer att ge dig upp!" Once you get a taste of Squeez Bacon®, you'll know exactly what he meant.
Product Features
* Each tube contains 21oz (595g) of Squeez Bacon®.
* 16 servings - equivalent to 64 slices of bacon!
* Bottled in Sweden, made from U.S. bred swine.
* Shelf Life of 12 years.
* No refrigeration needed.
* Jätte gott!
(more here)
Magical Martial Arts
Why wasn't Martial Arts this fun when I was taking it?
(The staff and management of SHOC apologizes for this video in advance)
(via)
(The staff and management of SHOC apologizes for this video in advance)
(via)
Comeback Response of the Year
If you have ever testified in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with the same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
(via sister Melody - who's a lawyer)
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The 10-31 Project - Steven Colbert v. Glenn Beck
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| The 10/31 Project | ||||
| ||||
Extreme Sheep LED Art
Lady Debb correctly pointed out that they didn't give credit to the dogs. Border Collies are absolutely amazing. The best pet I ever had was a Border Collie named Buster. Gonna have another one someday, too. Someday...
(Thanks, Grasshopper)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
