1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and fold a road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point at which the stream of drinking water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.
4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz' acks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones, even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATION (el a sel er ay' shun) The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "Open Here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're six inches away.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Dane Cook Concert
Well, after they cleaned all the basketball crap out from the Western regional basketball championships, the Staples Center was ready to welcome their first comedian to headline there - Dane Cook. It was inexplicably delayed from its 8pm start time, so we just hung around up in the Cheap Seats.
It wasn't as crowded as I thought it was going to be. There were a lot of people, but a LOT of empty seats, as well.
At 8:23, Dane made his first appearance - on the Jumbotron - telling us that the show was about to start... but FIRST, we got to see a couple of warm-up comedians. The first was Al Delbene, a pretty funny guy who ranted on the apprehensions of being a first-time expectant father. The second guy was Bob Kelly, a bald, squat guy who announced right off the bat that he'd just lost 80 pounds. When people started to cheer, he hushed them saying, "No, no... don't applaud. I'll be back." His bit on dieting and exercise was brilliant, but he lost it in his main monologue which was misogynistic, sexist and just plain ignorant.
9 PM: Dane Cook finally makes his appearance. I was too busy laughing to take a lot of notes. He's certainly not for everyone, including the littlies - but if you can get past the raw language, and if you find sex humorous anyway, Dane Cook is brilliant.
We almost forgot we were in the Nosebleed Section.
It wasn't as crowded as I thought it was going to be. There were a lot of people, but a LOT of empty seats, as well.
At 8:23, Dane made his first appearance - on the Jumbotron - telling us that the show was about to start... but FIRST, we got to see a couple of warm-up comedians. The first was Al Delbene, a pretty funny guy who ranted on the apprehensions of being a first-time expectant father. The second guy was Bob Kelly, a bald, squat guy who announced right off the bat that he'd just lost 80 pounds. When people started to cheer, he hushed them saying, "No, no... don't applaud. I'll be back." His bit on dieting and exercise was brilliant, but he lost it in his main monologue which was misogynistic, sexist and just plain ignorant.
9 PM: Dane Cook finally makes his appearance. I was too busy laughing to take a lot of notes. He's certainly not for everyone, including the littlies - but if you can get past the raw language, and if you find sex humorous anyway, Dane Cook is brilliant.
We almost forgot we were in the Nosebleed Section.
Scuba Show, 2009
The Bugs and I went to the Scuba Show, 2009 at the Long Beach Convention Center today. Tons of cool stuff, including representatives from the places we're going diving this summer (them in Hawaii, me in Honduras and all three of us in Cozumel). I bought a couple of pullover shirts made out of Sham-WOW! material, a strobe light assembly for my underwater camera, and some beef jerky (don't ask).
The HIGHLIGHT of the show, however, was "Team Roddenberry." These guys actually had scuba suits designed like "Star Trek" uniforms!
The yellow one on top is a wetsuit, and the red one underneath is a dry suit.
What a day. Now it's off to see Dane Cook at the Staples Center!
The HIGHLIGHT of the show, however, was "Team Roddenberry." These guys actually had scuba suits designed like "Star Trek" uniforms!
The yellow one on top is a wetsuit, and the red one underneath is a dry suit. What a day. Now it's off to see Dane Cook at the Staples Center!
Oldie
I went to the bar tonight and I noticed this old guy who must've been around 75-80 years old, and he was sitting all alone in the corner, crying silently.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said: “I have a 22 year old girlfriend at home. I met her a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!” He continued; “She makes love to me every morning and then she makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee.”
I said: “Well, then why are you crying?”
He said: “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then she makes love to me half the afternoon.”
I said: “Well, so why are you crying?”
He said: “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then she makes love to me until 2:00 am.”
I said: “Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!”
And he said: “I CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!”
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said: “I have a 22 year old girlfriend at home. I met her a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!” He continued; “She makes love to me every morning and then she makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee.”
I said: “Well, then why are you crying?”
He said: “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then she makes love to me half the afternoon.”
I said: “Well, so why are you crying?”
He said: “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then she makes love to me until 2:00 am.”
I said: “Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!”
And he said: “I CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!”
The Importance of Exercise
Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to actually *go* there.
Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, "Well, he looks good doesn't he?"
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Fast Food Ad Pictures vs. The Actual Product
Ever watch a commercial or look at the menu for a fast food place? Why is it that the real foods NEVER match the pictures? Well, obviously it’s advertising and it’s to get us all to go in there and give the food a try.But for once I would love it if the food matched the picture. Better yet it’d be awesome for places to advertise “food looks exactly like the pictures.”
In any event, here are some samples of ad pictures vs. real pictures of fast foods:
Mmmmm. Good eatin'
(via)
Ramblings about Texas
So, I'm in Dallas teaching a seminar today and tomorrow, and I'm thinking about one of the first girlfriends I ever had. Oleta Dee Weeks was from Fort Worth. She made me promise that, whenever I met someone from Dallas, I was to look them in the eye and say, "Big D? Big Deal!" I've tried to honor that promise over the years, but I wonder how it's going to go over in a 30-person seminar this morning...~~~
A real thorn in the side of many Texans has been that, since Alaska was admitted to the Union in 1959, Texas is now the second-largest State. For the past 50 years, Texas has had to suffer the ignominy of being America's second-largest State. But I have a solution: Why don't we divide Alaska in half and make it two separate States? Then Texas would be the THIRD-largest State!
~~~
There are some phrases which are also uniquely Texan. For example:
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving
Translation: Not overly-intelligent.
Tighter than bark on a tree
Translation: Not very generous.
All hat, no cattle
Translation: Big talk and no action.
We've howdied but we ain't shook yet
Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.
He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow
Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.
As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party
Translation: (fairly self-explanatory).
S/He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth
Translation: Talks a lot.
It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs
Translation: We really could use a little rain around here
Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly
Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.
This ain't my first rodeo
Translation: I've been around awhile.
He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch
Translation: Not the most handsome of men.
As full of wind as a corn-eating horse
Translation: Rather prone to boasting.
You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits
Translation: You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.
~~~
A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?". A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights? The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood". "Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got bout two and a half inches during that spell".
~~~
And finally, the obligatory "You Know You're From Texas If:"
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
4. You measure distance in minutes.
5. You know several people who have hit a deer.
6. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
7. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
8. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
10. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.
11. Stores don't have shopping carts; they have buggies.
12. You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals, but think nothing of it.
13. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.
14. You use "fix" as an auxiliary verb. Example: "Ahm fixin' to go to the store."
15. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
16. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
17. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
18. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.
19. You know what "cow tippin" and "snipe huntin" is.
20. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
21. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
22. You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
23. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
24. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
25. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
26. You find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
27. You know all 4 seasons: Almost summer, summer, Still summer, and Christmas.
28. You know if another Texan is from south, east, west, or north Texas as soon as they open their mouth.
29. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
30. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as "good gumbo weather."
31. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda or a cola or a pop-it's a Coke (or a Dr. Pepper), regardless of brand or flavor.
32. Going to Walmart is a favorite past-time known as "goin' wal-martin'."
33. You recognize that cheese grits and catfish nuggets is a meal that must have been bestowed upon the people by the Lord Himself.
34. You can be satisfied with a meal consisting only of a hunk of bread with flavored flour water (a delicacy known as "biscuits n' gravy").
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Brown Sugar Bacon Waffles!
Please. Take a few moments to dig through your kitchen cabinets to find your waffle maker. Please do this. I’ll wait. ….. There? Find it?
Now. Please. These waffles need to be made now, tonight, first thing tomorrow morning, or whenever you get hungry… now? They’re that good.
Brown Sugar Bacon Waffles
For the Bacon
10 slices of bacon
1/4 cup brown sugar
Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Spray a baking sheet with non stick cooking spray and line with foil. Arrange bacon in a single layer on the baking sheet. Sprinkle generously with brown sugar. Place in the upper third of the oven and bake until sugar is caramelized and bacon is brown and crispy, about 10 to 15 minutes. Remove from oven. Immediately remove bacon slices using a pair of tongs. Place them on a cutting board (not paper towels, they’ll stick!) to cool before chopping. Once cool, chop the bacon into bite size bits and set aside.
For the Waffles
3 cups all-purpose flour
1 Tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup brown sugar
2/3 cups canola or grapeseed oil
4 large eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups buttermilk
*If you don’t eat bacon for some reason, try adding 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg and 3/4 teaspoon cinnamon to the batter. Yum!
Set up your waffle iron on a level, clean surface and turn on to preheat.
In a large bowl combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt and brown sugar. Whisk to blend. In a medium bowl, whisk together eggs, oil, buttermilk and vanilla extract. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and fold. Once almost fully incorporated, add the bacon bites. Stir. Try not to over mix the batter or the waffles will become tough. It’s ok if a few lumps remain in the batter.
Cook according to your waffle machine instructions.
Serve with maple syrup and strawberries.
(via)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Laws of Cat Physics
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All clothing attracts cat hair in direct proportion to the degree of color difference between the cat hair and the fabric color.
Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make its body long enough to reach just about any countertop which has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate until he gets good and ready to stop.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state if a cat is present.
First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
Law of Comfort Seeking
A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
Law of Space-Time Continuum
Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them.
Law of Cat Probability (Cat’s Uncertainty Principle)
It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where it “might” be.
Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can’t hear a simple command three feet away.
Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat’s mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.
Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.
(via)
Monday, May 25, 2009
Happy Memorial Day, Troops!
I've always felt a little strange about wishing someone a "Happy Memorial Day." It's sort of saying something like "Happy Yom Kippur" to a Jewish person, or "Did you have a happy funeral?"At any rate, I hope you're all rested and ready for the week.
Top 10 Pirate Pick-Up Lines
10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?
8. Come on up and see me urchins.
7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.
6. I’d love to drop anchor in your lagoon.
5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?
4. How’d you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?
3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.
2. Well blow me down!
And the number one pirate pickup line is…
1. Avast! Prepare to be boarded!
(via Miss C)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Is this a Honeymoon or an Extended Engagement?
My ex-sister-in-law (still a sister to me) lives in Tucson with her "domestic partner" and their lovely daughter. As a straight guy, I can only have a intellectual, superficial understanding of the prejudice and ignorance they have to deal with on a daily basis.
Last November, California passed Proposition 8, which effectively banned same-sex marriages. This coming Tuesday - after a huge outpouring of dissent - the California Supreme Court, led by the Hon. Ronald M. George ("Ronnie and the Supremes") will decide on whether or not Proposition 8 is legal.
Amelia wrote this and sent it out to her friends, and she told me I could post it here. Whatever your views are on same-sex marriage, this is a touching, honest note from her heart.
Is this a Honeymoon or an Extended Engagement?
On Tuesday, the California Supreme Court will announce its vote as to whether or not I am legally married to my wife. It is difficult to express the mix of feelings this engenders.
I think back to our wedding day. It was an idyllic summer day in San Diego. We took our vows and exchanged gold rings on the lawn outside a beautiful, historic building overlooking the ocean. The sky was blue, with puffy white clouds. There were rose petals, broad smiles, and a stream of tears punctuated by the sound of camera shutters snapping as we said, “I do,” and the Justice of the Peace declared “with the powers vested in me by the State of California, I now pronounce you married.”
We could not stop grinning; we were euphoric, filled with love. We put a “Just Married” bumper sticker on our car and drove away on our honeymoon. It was the happiest day of our lives.
Our honeymoon has been ongoing for more than a decade.
Our first wedding took place a dozen years ago. It was a religious ceremony performed by a rabbi. He declared us married in the eyes of God, as well as our family and friends, but then did not have any powers vested in him by a state to declare us married in the eyes of the law. The best we could do legally then was to register as domestic partners. We also had a courthouse ceremony where a judge issued an official legal order allowing us to share the same surname.
A few years later, when Vermont became the first state to provide for civil unions, we traveled there with our then-infant daughter to obtain a license and had yet another wedding ceremony. We became legal spouses, but not married. Separate but equal. (Where have I heard that oxymoron before?)
Later, when Tucson adopted a Domestic Partner Registry, we were among the first to register. Our toddler daughter attended that ceremony, which gave us two, small legal rights out of more than a thousand enjoyed by legally married couples. (Small satisfaction.)
Our California wedding, accompanied by the official state marriage license, took place just last year. Our daughter, now in elementary school, was our flower girl. This was our sixth ceremony - our sixth renewal of the vows, which never change. One of the blessings of having to undergo repeated ceremonies is the joy we feel each time as we realize, in re-taking our vows, that we have kept them all this time. (But, we are ready to stop having to repeat ourselves. After six re-statements, we are hoping the state has finally heard us.)
When the California Supreme Court announces its vote on Tuesday, that vote will determine whether my wife and I can complete our honeymoon or must pursue a further extended engagement.
Regardless of how many times we must repeat our vows, we will continue to do so until the state acknowledges us. If California’s Supreme Court nullifies our marriage there, we will simply get married again when we travel to New England for an extended family reunion in two months. (If we remain marriage outlaws, at least it will give us a chance to invite all the in-laws to our seventh ceremony, and our extended family will be able to participate in the ceremony along with our daughter this time.)
As I write this from our home in Tucson, my wife and our daughter are away, traveling. They are in New York today. Our marriage is recognized in the State of New York, so my wife is legally married to me there. But, our marriage is not recognized in the State of Arizona, so, simultaneously, I am not legally married to her here. She is married to me, but I am not married to her today. (Who was it who said, “The law is an ass?”)
I am sure you can sense my anger at the ridiculous state of the law, mixed with the pain of rejection by my government and many of “we the people,” mixed with amusement at the absurdity of it all, mixed with the joy and happiness and peace of living within the sacred vows of marriage in a happy family. This mixture is the melting pot into which gay and lesbian Americans have been thrown.
Our marriage laws are all mixed up. But, whatever the California Supreme Court does on Tuesday, however more complicated our legal status becomes, the fact will remain: I love my wife, and we will keep our vows, and, along with our daughter, we will remain a happy, wholesome family.
When the California Supreme Court announces its decision, we will know whether my wife and I can complete our honeymoon or whether the engagement must continue. Know this: if it must continue, our engagement will include engagement by continued dialogue and lobbying and litigation until someday we achieve what the constitution promises us, “Equal Justice Under Law.”
Last November, California passed Proposition 8, which effectively banned same-sex marriages. This coming Tuesday - after a huge outpouring of dissent - the California Supreme Court, led by the Hon. Ronald M. George ("Ronnie and the Supremes") will decide on whether or not Proposition 8 is legal.
Amelia wrote this and sent it out to her friends, and she told me I could post it here. Whatever your views are on same-sex marriage, this is a touching, honest note from her heart.
Is this a Honeymoon or an Extended Engagement?
On Tuesday, the California Supreme Court will announce its vote as to whether or not I am legally married to my wife. It is difficult to express the mix of feelings this engenders.
I think back to our wedding day. It was an idyllic summer day in San Diego. We took our vows and exchanged gold rings on the lawn outside a beautiful, historic building overlooking the ocean. The sky was blue, with puffy white clouds. There were rose petals, broad smiles, and a stream of tears punctuated by the sound of camera shutters snapping as we said, “I do,” and the Justice of the Peace declared “with the powers vested in me by the State of California, I now pronounce you married.”
We could not stop grinning; we were euphoric, filled with love. We put a “Just Married” bumper sticker on our car and drove away on our honeymoon. It was the happiest day of our lives.
Our honeymoon has been ongoing for more than a decade.
Our first wedding took place a dozen years ago. It was a religious ceremony performed by a rabbi. He declared us married in the eyes of God, as well as our family and friends, but then did not have any powers vested in him by a state to declare us married in the eyes of the law. The best we could do legally then was to register as domestic partners. We also had a courthouse ceremony where a judge issued an official legal order allowing us to share the same surname.
A few years later, when Vermont became the first state to provide for civil unions, we traveled there with our then-infant daughter to obtain a license and had yet another wedding ceremony. We became legal spouses, but not married. Separate but equal. (Where have I heard that oxymoron before?)
Later, when Tucson adopted a Domestic Partner Registry, we were among the first to register. Our toddler daughter attended that ceremony, which gave us two, small legal rights out of more than a thousand enjoyed by legally married couples. (Small satisfaction.)
Our California wedding, accompanied by the official state marriage license, took place just last year. Our daughter, now in elementary school, was our flower girl. This was our sixth ceremony - our sixth renewal of the vows, which never change. One of the blessings of having to undergo repeated ceremonies is the joy we feel each time as we realize, in re-taking our vows, that we have kept them all this time. (But, we are ready to stop having to repeat ourselves. After six re-statements, we are hoping the state has finally heard us.)
When the California Supreme Court announces its vote on Tuesday, that vote will determine whether my wife and I can complete our honeymoon or must pursue a further extended engagement.
Regardless of how many times we must repeat our vows, we will continue to do so until the state acknowledges us. If California’s Supreme Court nullifies our marriage there, we will simply get married again when we travel to New England for an extended family reunion in two months. (If we remain marriage outlaws, at least it will give us a chance to invite all the in-laws to our seventh ceremony, and our extended family will be able to participate in the ceremony along with our daughter this time.)
As I write this from our home in Tucson, my wife and our daughter are away, traveling. They are in New York today. Our marriage is recognized in the State of New York, so my wife is legally married to me there. But, our marriage is not recognized in the State of Arizona, so, simultaneously, I am not legally married to her here. She is married to me, but I am not married to her today. (Who was it who said, “The law is an ass?”)
I am sure you can sense my anger at the ridiculous state of the law, mixed with the pain of rejection by my government and many of “we the people,” mixed with amusement at the absurdity of it all, mixed with the joy and happiness and peace of living within the sacred vows of marriage in a happy family. This mixture is the melting pot into which gay and lesbian Americans have been thrown.
Our marriage laws are all mixed up. But, whatever the California Supreme Court does on Tuesday, however more complicated our legal status becomes, the fact will remain: I love my wife, and we will keep our vows, and, along with our daughter, we will remain a happy, wholesome family.
When the California Supreme Court announces its decision, we will know whether my wife and I can complete our honeymoon or whether the engagement must continue. Know this: if it must continue, our engagement will include engagement by continued dialogue and lobbying and litigation until someday we achieve what the constitution promises us, “Equal Justice Under Law.”
Easy Solution to the "We're Just Friends" Conundrum
So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.
What you will need: 1 knife, 1 ring, access to a sunbed and the ability to grow a beard.
Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.
Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'
Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.
Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.
Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.
Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:
a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future
Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.
Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.
Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.
Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:
1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.
(shamelessly stolen from Batteries Feel Included)
What you will need: 1 knife, 1 ring, access to a sunbed and the ability to grow a beard.
Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.
Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.
Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.
Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.
Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.
Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.
Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.
Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'
Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.
Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.
Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.
Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.
Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:
a) You are married to each other in the future
b) Her current boyfriend is dead
c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
d) In the future your relationship is not going well
e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future
Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.
Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.
Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.
Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:
1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
2) Life will carry on as normal.
3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.
(shamelessly stolen from Batteries Feel Included)
Friday, May 22, 2009
Kickass Designer Wetsuits
All of my dive buddies wear black wetsuits (or dry suits) - except for Ellie - hers is sort of a maroon color. Well, designer Diddo Velma has come up with some slick alternatives... 
The water bubble one in the middle looks interesting. I wonder if it sort of makes you invisible while diving???
More of Diddo's creations can be found here
The water bubble one in the middle looks interesting. I wonder if it sort of makes you invisible while diving???More of Diddo's creations can be found here
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Thursday, May 21, 2009
Vancouver Olympic Torch, 2010
Okay, maybe it's just me and influences of my misspent youth, but come on - doesn't this REMIND you of something? This from the city where I was once told (by someone who apparently knew) that you'd have to blow marijuana smoke into the face of a policeman to even get a ticket.Some have already dubbed this "The Olympic Toke"
Gee... I can't see why...
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Gold Fever
Check it out, dudes and dudettes. This is my hand, holding a 40 pound brick of solid, 24-karat gold. Gold price today is $937 per ounce, so 16 (ounces) X 40 (pounds) X $937 means that I've got $600,000 worth of precious metal in my hot little hand. Unfortunately, the security in this place puts TSA and airport security to shame (not all that hard to do, actually), so I had to, you know... actually put it back.Sigh
Sunday, May 17, 2009
The 86 Rules of Drinking
So, I'm leaving today for a week-long stint in Louisiana - first to Lafayette, then to the Big Easy. The last time I was there, I *think* I had a good time (all the police reports haven't come in yet). So in honor of that, here are...The 86 Rules of Drinking
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It's okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
(via)
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Star Trek Movie Recognition Guide
The bugs and I are going to see the new Star Trek movie on a (real) IMAX screen today (before William does his last two "Gypsy" performances). All three of us have seen it previously, but the IMAX experience is incredible.
To help non-Trek fans, here's a handy little guide to the world of Star Trek movies (click on the photo to enlarge):
To help non-Trek fans, here's a handy little guide to the world of Star Trek movies (click on the photo to enlarge):
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Well that's not funny at all...
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
The vendor makes the hot dog, and the monk gives him a twenty, which he pockets. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asks for his change. The vendor looks at him and says, "Change must come from within."
The monk reaches into his robes, pulls out a gun, and says calmly "I said I wanted my change". "Holy crap!" the vendor says in shock, "You're a monk! Why do you have a gun!?"
"My inner piece is a Glock."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "I just found out I have cancer."
"Make me one with everything."
The vendor makes the hot dog, and the monk gives him a twenty, which he pockets. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asks for his change. The vendor looks at him and says, "Change must come from within."
The monk reaches into his robes, pulls out a gun, and says calmly "I said I wanted my change". "Holy crap!" the vendor says in shock, "You're a monk! Why do you have a gun!?"
"My inner piece is a Glock."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "I just found out I have cancer."
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
15 Euphemisms for Menstruation
15. Miss Scarlett’s Come Home to Tara14. Trolling for Vampires
13. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
12. Saddling Old Rusty
11. Feelin’ Menstru-riffic!
10. Clean-Up in Aisle One
9. Massacre at the Y
8. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
7. Game Day for the Crimson Tide
6. Panty Shields Up, Captain!
5. Taking Carrie to the Prom
4. Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote’s Ragtime Band
3. Ordering l’Omelette Rouge
2. Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp
1. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System
(via the lovely and talented Miss C)
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
♪ One of these things is not like the other....♫
(My guess is the kid on the left. Look how crooked his bow tie is...)
"Star Trek" Easter Eggs
You're going to need to see Star Trek a second time just to catch all the cameos and Trek in-jokes. Here's our guide to the greatest, and most annoying, easter eggs in Trek.
Besides the obvious red shirt slaying and tip-of-the-hat to Sulu's half naked fencing there were a lot of other super quick Trekkie and J.J. moments.
Hey Its What's-His-Face:
The film is stuffed with plenty of Trekkie cameos, and here are some members of the Federation you really shouldn't miss:
Possibly the most annoying Trek cameo, which completely and totally takes you out of the moment, would be Tyler "Madea" Perry sitting on as Admiral Richard Barnett. I have absolutely no idea what he was saying during the film, because I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell he was doing there. He Ted Dansoned my Academy trial moment, and I'm none too pleased about it.
It's been reported all over that Greg Grunberg, the man who is in just about all of Abrams' creations as a good luck charm, was cut out as Kirk's stepdad. But you can still hear him when Kirk is a little boy, over his vintage car's Nokia phone.
Another Abrams alum lurking in the movie is Amanda Foreman, who actually played Grunberg's sweetie in Abrams 90s TV series, Felicity. You may remember her as the uber goth roommate to Keri Russell. Blink and you'll miss her on the bridge.
But my personal favorite cameo was none other than Paul McGillion from Stargate Atlantis.
First off, putting other genre people in this flick is a great little shout out to fans of other long-running franchises, plus he looked awesome telling all the young students what to do. Nods To The Original:
The Centaurian Slug Versus the Ceti Eel:
It's not a continuity error, just an example of the diversity of the universe. The creature that Nero slams into Pike's face isn't the Ceti Eel, its the Centaurian Slug. They're different things entirely, but it's a nice little shout out to Khan and poor Chekov.
Pike's Final Ride:
In the end of the film you see Bruce Greenwood's Captain Pike in a Wheelchair sporting a flashy new uniform. Clearly the wheelchair is a nod to the original series episode, "The Menagerie," where Pike ends up horribly scarred, paralyzed, and his only means of communication are light-flashes in the front of his ride. We asked actor Greenwood about this, and if he was nervous about what'll happen to his pretty face in future Star Trek movies. "It's an echo for sure. [Laughs] No, [I didn't think about the face] not until you mentioned it. I thought my face would be okay. I think I have every expectation that I will remain recognizable for some period [Laughs]."Science Academy:
One big question that was answered in the new Star Trek was why Spock declined to enter the Vulcan Science academy. Orci explained that this was an important question they tried to answer as a nod to the original series. It also helps fill in some of the emotional turmoil Spock was going through, as we watch him being reminded over and over again that most the people he grew up around believed his half Vulcan, half human bloodline to be inferior.
Orion Slave Girls Free To Join Star Fleet:
Roberto Orci confirmed our suspicions that the Orion Slave Girl was no longer a slave, since she was in Star Fleet Academy, "She wasn't a slave, when we made our list we knew we had to have a green girl." Can you see her shiny green face among the other students?Tribble:
Orci also wanted us to keep our ears and eyes alert when we first meet Scotty, apparently there's a Tribble cooing atop Scottys desk.
The Admiral's Dog:
As you probably already noticed, the whole reason Scotty is banished to Delta Vega is because he tried to transport Admiral Archer's dog... and the dog is still out there, somewhere. A nice nod to the last time someone tried to make a Star Trek prequel.
Kobayashi Maru:
Not exactly a hidden gem, but it was pretty exciting to watch how the whole "cheating on the Kobayashi Maru" test went down. Particularly because Kirk is such a dick during the whole thing.
Groan Worthy Product Placement:Catch Phrases:
Ok they weren't too horrendously obvious, but you have to do a gigantic-eye roll when you hear Uhura order three Budweiser CLASSICS and then cry out Slusho! It's to much pop culture, aren't-we-clever referencing done in one scene, in my opinion. The Bud shout out was most likely a nod for letting the crew film in their beer plant, located in Van Nuys, California, for the engineering section of the Enterprise. But, thankfully, the product placement was few and far between. The Nokia cell phone ad was a mere second long.
Of course, you're not going to make a Star Trek movie with out referencing some of the characters' classic catch phrases. Everybody has their little shticky moment, from Karl Urban's eye-rolls to the way Kirk leans in the captain's chair, they're all there. In fact, in the beginning of this "Who's Who On The Crew" clip, you can enjoy Simon Pegg doing Scotty's infamous one-liner.
What else did you guys see?
(shamelessly stolen from io9.com)
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
The High Heel Flippers
Man, this is the PERFECT fashion accessory for all my female divey buddies (Ashley, Laura, Sophie, Julie, Amanda, Ellie, Stephanie, Kim, McKenna, Beth, Allison, Jeanna and Emily), along with not a few number of my MALE divey buddies (you know who you are).Why screw around with the hassle of changing footwear every time you go diving? This'll be GREAT for Cozumel, dudes and dudettes!
Happy Mother's Day
In a recent study it was determined that an average stay-at-home mother would earn $116,805 annually, including overtime, if she received a paycheck.According to the study, the run-of-the-mill full-time mom works about 100 hours a week, filling the jobs of daycare teacher, housekeeper, cook, computer operator, janitor, psychologist, driver, nurse, maintenance worker, laundry machine operator, facilities manager and CEO.
Most mothers don't get a paycheck, but they're happy to be compensated with a bunch of flowers, a warm hug, a handmade card or a simple 'I love you' from their children.
On this date in 1914, US President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed a special day to make sure that children remember to tell their mothers that they are appreciated.
Happy Mother's Day!
(via)
Birth Order of Children
Birth Order of Children
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as
your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
__________________________________________ ____________
The Layette :
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper,
a frown--you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to
rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until
you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it
off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour,
whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing,
Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
_____________________________ _________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to
leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
(shamelessly borrowed from my friend AmyOops)
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as
your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby : You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
__________________________________________ ____________
The Layette :
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper,
a frown--you pick up the baby
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten
to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to
rewind the mechanical swing.
______________________________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until
you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it
off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour,
whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
_______________________________________________________
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing,
Baby Zoo, Baby Movies and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaners.
_____________________________ _________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to
leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
(shamelessly borrowed from my friend AmyOops)
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Give Me Coffee and Nobody Gets Hurt
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife says, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband says, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
The wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
The husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says:
“Hebrews”
The wife says, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband says, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
The wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
The husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says:
“Hebrews”
Friday, May 8, 2009
Okay, Facebook Geeks - try THIS out...
Here's a weird Easter Egg: With Facebook open, press Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, b, a, then hit Enter. Now click anywhere on the page.
Clearly, someone at Facebook ALSO has way-y-y too much time on their hands!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Where No Man Has Gone Before
...except for five TV series, 11 movies, a DC Comics series, an animated series, about a gazillion paperback books and enough fan fiction to fill William Shatner's ego.
The long awaited Star Trek opened today... BFF Donna said she was going to go see it tonight, but I haven't heard anything yet. I'm hoping it's going to be stellar.
With that in mind, I dug this out of the vaults. All together now, on four. One, two, three...
It's a Trek World
(sung to the tune of It's a Small World)
It's a world of Tribbles, a world of cheer
It's a world of wackos with pointed ears,
Punch a Klingon for fun,
Set your phaser on stun,
It's a Trek world after all!
(Chorus)
It's a Trek world after all!
Most with stories, some quite tall!
It's a Trek, Trek world!
It's a world at warp speed, a world of stars
Drinking Saurian brandy in sleazy bars.
Captain Kirk gets around,
keeps two feet off the ground!
It's a Trek world after all!
(chorus)
It's a world of gangsters, a world of cats,
It's a world where "boogers" can fly like bats!
Hippies sing in the hall,
watch the crew blow up Vall,
It's a Trek world after all!
(chorus)
It's a world of logical, a cast gone gray,
though they fight for peace in the Starfleet way.
"It's a world just for me,"
says Gene Rodd-en-ber-ee!
"It's just my world after all"
(chorus)
It's a world of androids who can't say no.
It's a world of doctors who come and go.
We have Wesley, the brain,
and an empath (in pain) --
It's a Trek world after all!
(chorus)
It's a world of captains with little hair,
It's a world of worms hiding who knows where.
Number One in Lame!
Super Wes saves the day!
It's a Trek world after all!
(chorus)
Disney Star Wars Weekend Posters
What happens when you take one of the most iconic movie series of all time and give them some extra love at the happiest place on Earth? You get Star Wars Weekends, an annual summer special event at Disney's Hollywood Studios theme park in Florida that celebrates George Lucas' classic sci-fi movie series. For the weekends starting May 22nd and ending June 14th, join Jedi Masters, Sith Lords and Star Wars celebrities for special shows, presentations and memorabilia.
And for those of us that can't make it out to this event, here's something pretty cool. Strictly for your eyes only, Disney has devised a set of whimsical "backstage" posters to promote awareness of 2009's Star Wars Weekends event among employees, images not generally made available to the public.
(via)
And for those of us that can't make it out to this event, here's something pretty cool. Strictly for your eyes only, Disney has devised a set of whimsical "backstage" posters to promote awareness of 2009's Star Wars Weekends event among employees, images not generally made available to the public.
(via)
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Off to Florida!
Until Saturday, so postings might be a bit spotty. YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN FLORIDA IF...
1. You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
2. You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.
3. Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti O's.
4. You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood
covering your windows.
5. When describing your gutted house to a prospective buyer, you say it has three bedrooms, two baths and an open air feel to it.
6. Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
7. You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
8. You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
9. The road leading to your house has been declared a No-Wake Zone.
10. You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
11. You own more than three large coolers.
12. You can wish that other people get hit by a hurricane and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
13. You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only
take a gallon of gas to get there and back"
14. You have 2-liter coke bottles and milk jugs filled with water in
your freezer Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain;
today you can assemble a portable generator by candlelight.
15. You catch a 13-pound red fish - in your house.
16. You can recite from memory whole portions of your homeowner's insurance policy.
17. You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
18. At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest chainsaw.
19. 1You have had tuna fish more than 5 days in a row.
20. There is a roll of tar paper in your garage.
21. You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who
work at the Weather Channel.
22. Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
23. Ice is a valid topic of conversation.
24. Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
25. Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
26. You spend more time on your roof then in your living room.
27. You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or
a tree worker.
28. A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
29. You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
30. Your child's first words are "hunker down" and you didn't go to Ole Miss!
31. Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
32. Toilet Paper is elevated to coin of the realm at the shelters.
33. You know the difference between the "good side" of a storm and the "bad side."
34. Your kids start school in August and finish in July.
35. You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.
It's Website Wednesday (again)
You can check out the latest posting here... OR, you could have it digitally delivered to your (virtual) front door every week. Want in? Just email me (skip@skiptucker.com) with the word "subscribe" in the Subject Line. Don't be the last one in YOUR office throwing productivity out the window every Wednesday!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Turn That Frown Upside Down...
Tomorrow is the 8th Annual Great American Grump Out, founded by the "Smile Ambassador," Janice Hathy.The Grump Out asks sour pusses to suck it up and refrain from getting their grump on -- at least for 24 hours.
That includes no grumping, no frowning, no grousing, complaining, punching, slapping, hitting or killing. FOR ONE WHOLE DAY.
Jan is one of my oldest internet friends. Check out her website, sign the Guestbook, reduce some stress and lighten up a little, will ya?
Separated at Birth? Apparently NOT!
So youngest son Jack's newest toy is a DSi (apparently it's the latest and greatest handheld from Nintendo). Anyway, it has an application where you can take a picture of two people and it'll analyze it and tell you how closely they resemble each other.
So we tested it while at lunch with BFF Donna and hubby Luis.
First of all, Jack and I tested as "relatives" with a 29% resemblance.
Then Jack and Donna - pretty close - 20%
William and I clocked in the closest
(siblings?)
William and Jack barely registered
Although in fairness, the suckiness of the picture probably had something to do with this one.
Will and I were both pretty close to being "unrelated" to Donna
And Luis doesn't look like anybody
So we tested it while at lunch with BFF Donna and hubby Luis.
First of all, Jack and I tested as "relatives" with a 29% resemblance.
Then Jack and Donna - pretty close - 20%
William and I clocked in the closest
(siblings?)William and Jack barely registered
Although in fairness, the suckiness of the picture probably had something to do with this one.Will and I were both pretty close to being "unrelated" to Donna
And Luis doesn't look like anybody
Monday, May 4, 2009
Movie Review: "X Men Origins: Wolverine"
Every movie hero needs a tagline or a gimmick. You can’t say, “I’ll be back!” and NOT think of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Elvis Presley made 30+ movies with a hip swivel and lip curl. And now Hugh Jackman is tossing his own personal signature into his movies with the “love-interest-dies- (usually by your hand) -and-you-cradle-her-dead-body-in-your-arms-while-howling-at-the-moon.” It worked for him in “Van Helsing” (with Kate Beckinsale), “The Prestige” (with Piper Perabo), in “X-Men 3: The Last Stand” (with Famke Janssen), and now, most recently, in the much-anticipated prequel to the “X-Men” series, “X-Men Origins: Wolverine.” This time it’s Lynn Collins who draws the short straw as the beautiful but doomed Significant Other.“Origins” serves primarily as the back story for Logan, the most popular X-Man, and fills in a lot of the blanks from the first trilogy. It opens with a flashback sequence set 150 years ago which reveals that Logan and Victor Creed (later Sabretooth) are mutant half-brothers. Quick vignettes show the never-aging brothers fighting side-by-side through various wars (Civil, WW1, WW2, Viet Nam), and ending up in a mutant army formed by the devious Col. William Stryker (Danny Huston). When Logan refuses to take part in a massacre in East Africa, the team breaks up and Logan settles down with his girlfriend Kayla Silverfox (the aforementioned Ms. Collins) as a lumberjack in the Canadian Rockies.
Stryker has different plans, however. After a particularly chilling scene where Sabretooth confronts Kayla on a deserted mountain road, Logan finds her bloodied body and does his howl-at-the-moon thing. He’s then convinced by Stryker that the only way to confront and kill Sabretooth will be to take part in an experiment grafting indestructible metal on his skeleton, including the signature retractable claws.
Logan, who has chosen the name “Woverine,” finds out that he’s been duped by Stryker (again), and sets out on his own to hunt down and kill his half-brother. What follows are plot-twists and CGI action sequences that should keep the most die hard adrenaline junkies satisfied.
There’s not one, but TWO additional scenes at the end of the movie. The first occurs right after the credits begin to roll, and the second immediately after. It’s worth the extra six minutes to see the additional footage.With an $87 million opening weekend, “Origins” is the movie setting the standard for Summer, 2009. That is until NEXT week, when “Star Trek” totally kicks Wolverine’s furry, adamantium-covered ASS.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Gypsy - Opening Night
After months of rehearsals and an aptly named "Hell Week" these past five days, Hamilton High School opened "Gypsy" last night for a three-week run. Nina Kasuya absolutely killed as Mama Rose, and Maggie Randolph made a seamless transition from a wide-eyed, innocent Louise into the legendary Gypsy Rose Lee.
Son William was initially cast as Mr. Goldstone, the head of the Orpheum Circuit (and the only non-speaking, non-singing role in the play!)
The director quickly gave him a couple of more roles, one as a Boy Scout leader (again non-speaking)
...and also as "Pastey," the Wichita Burlesque Stage Manager (no pics of that one yet).
The kids did a great job. The show runs through May 16, and tickets are available at (310) 280-1477.
Son William was initially cast as Mr. Goldstone, the head of the Orpheum Circuit (and the only non-speaking, non-singing role in the play!)
The director quickly gave him a couple of more roles, one as a Boy Scout leader (again non-speaking)
...and also as "Pastey," the Wichita Burlesque Stage Manager (no pics of that one yet).The kids did a great job. The show runs through May 16, and tickets are available at (310) 280-1477.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Mayday! Mayday!
Swine Flu! Pandemic! Hamdemic! Aporkalypse! We're all gonna di-i-i-i-i-ie!!!!Oh, wait...
Never mind.
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