Geek Joke of the Week

A man camped in a national park, and noticed Mr. Snake and Mrs. Snake slithering by. "Where are all the little snakes?" he asked. Mr. Snake replied, "We are adders, so we cannot multiply."

The following year, the man returned to the same camping spot. This time there were a whole batch of little snakes. "I thought you said you could not multiply," he said to Mr. Snake. "Well, the park ranger came by and built a log table."

Finally. Something that makes SENSE.

Thoughts to Ponder

Faith is the ability to not panic.

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

Do the math. Count your blessings.

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your moments.

Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

The Wolf Shirt is SO Last Week… The SHARK Shirt is the BOMB!

"Stargate Universe" Preview

Youngest Unmarried Son Jack is doing an internship with MGM this summer, and he's been working on this show for the past couple of months. He hasn't told me ANYTHING about the program up to this point (begging hasn't helped), although he hasn't been above dropping the occasional hint here and there, to MAKE me beg.

Anyway, the preview is out, and while Jack has been smugly strutting around the house a little too much lately, at least I have a bit of an idea of what this program's going to look like!

Who DESIGNED this thing?

Whenever I look at the Toastmaster's logo, it always reminds me of a goat, see?



I dunno... maybe it's just me...

I would've like to have gone to Comic-Con last weekend...

...but everything was sold out well in advance.

However, IF I had gone, this guy would've received my vote for the Best Costume:

The Difference Between the Sexes

The Difference Between the Sexes - A funny movie is a click away


THE TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A MAN SAY:

10. Here honey, you use the remote.

9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

8. Oo-o-oh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

5. Sex isn't that important. Sometimes, I just want to be held.

4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch Melrose Place.

2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

...And The Number 1 Thing You'll Never Hear A Man Say:

1. We never talk anymore.


THE TOP 10 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A WOMAN SAY:

10. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!

7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!

6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends."

5. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

4. Aww, don't stop for directions…I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.

2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

...And The Number 1 Thing You'll Never Hear A Woman Say:

1. Hey, pull my finger!

Who said Christians don't have a sense of humor?

Here are a few others:

* “No God — No Peace. Know God — Know Peace.”
* “Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!”
* “Try OUR Sundays. They're better than Baskin-Robbins.”
* “Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”
* An ad for St.Joseph’s Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.”
* When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We're open on Sundays, too.”
* “Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons — come hear one!”
* A singing group called “The Resurrection” was scheduled to sing at a church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the outside sign to read, “The Resurrection is postponed.”
* “People are like tea bags — you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
* “God so loved the world that He did not send a committee.”
* “Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!”
* “When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.”
* “Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.”
* “Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.”
* “How will you spend eternity — Smoking or Non-smoking?”
* “Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”:
* “Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.”
* “It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”
* “Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
* “If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
* “If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”
* “Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.”
* “This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?”
* “Forbidden fruit creates many jams.”
* “In the dark? Follow the Son.”
* “Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.”
* “If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.”

Hey, I never noticed that before!

And then there's always this one (not technically like the others, but too good NOT to post here)


(more here)

One of the Best Posts, EVER

Denny Crane.

Disney Friends

We all know 'em.

Which one are you?




Actually, I can think of a few of these categories I could be...

10 Things I’ve Learned About Interspecies Relationships From SciFi Movie Aliens

Space aliens. Lots of science fiction movies feature them and they always have something to tell us about how to handle inter-species relationships. From first contact to Merrill swinging, the movies have taught me a lot about dealing with aliens and how to survive in my surroundings should I encounter them.

1. If you have a space ship with a cat on it and the cat freaks out, run. Don’t look back, just run to the escape pod and hit that big red button.
2. If it glows, it’s good. If it drools, kill it with fire.
3. If all of the aliens look like people with different colored skin and foam ridges glued on, you’re in the Star Trek universe.
4. Conversely, if aliens immediately cause you to want to punch them in the face through cute overload, you’re in the Star Wars universe.
5. The more techonologically advanced an alien race is, the more likely they are to be defeated by something incredibly stupid. Like water, or a Mac.
6. Also, these extremely advanced alien species will have spent most of their time destroying their own world(s) and needing to come to ours for natural resources.
7. Aliens never abduct different alien races, only backwoods humans who are unlikely to have macs or drink water.
8. Lots of aliens love to speak English, just with different accents so communication won’t be much of a problem. If it is, just use your Mac!
9. If you do happen to be contacted by benevolant aliens seeking to better the human race in some way, no one will believe you.
10. Lots of alien architecture resembles that of some ancient human civilization because obviously they came here and influenced or contracted for the ancients.


(via)

Seriously, what IS that on the far right???

Look up "WTF" in the dictionary and this is the picture you'll see.

Why Do We Love Children?

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right ,’ I told her.. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.’

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’


(via)

Happy Monday, Troops!

They Forgot to Add “Mustard” and “Pickles,” But Other Than That…

Things in This World That Are NOT Made Better With Bacon


In the Age of Bacon, bacon cannot be stopped. Every human being said “Bacon makes everything better” at least 11 times in the past week alone. Vegans can’t disagree, as a quick search for “vegan bacon” on Google will reveal. Bacon is an essential ingredient in the making of “Footloose” -- and if the remake doesn’t have Bacon, it will fail.

(And since we’re on the subject: As successful as he is, Kevin Bacon will never quite live up to his namesake. Is Bacon even Kevin’s real name to begin with? If Kevin changed his last name from “Kochowski” to “Bacon,” well, we know he did the right thing for himself.)

But I digress.

Bacon rules. Bacon is king. Bacon is god. And because I only write about the most obvious stuff, I started a piece about the top 10 things that are better with bacon. But:

1. It’s been done, ad nauseam.

2. Frankly, no one can actually do justice to such an article, because...

3. ...it’s an impossible task. Everything is better with bacon. Everything!

Then late one night, I wondered if “everything” actually meant everything? Really?

Needless to say, my fevered thoughts led to fevered dreams, which led to fevered scribblings early in the morning. That, and fevered Interwebs searchings. And finally, my friends, a discovery... there are indeed things in this world that are not made better with bacon. And they are:

Bacon

Mmm... bacon... yes... mmm... dee-lish!

But let’s just make this clear: Bacon is not made better with bacon. That’s like adding one to infinity.

That said, we’re not talking about quantity here. More bacon is always better than less bacon. Here’s a fact: Were American teachers to start describing “<” and “>” as “more bacon” and “less bacon,” the United States would experience a surge in mathematics among all age groups in less than a year.


Vegan Sausage

Nevermind vegans don't eat bacon anyway: Adding bacon to poop does not improve the poop. That is all.


Chicken-Fried Steak


The opposite of vegan sausage, this bastardized nightmare version of weiner schnitzel -- inflicted upon the world by some small, rude Texas town in which the favorite pastime is to beat the flavor out of food -- is not improved by bacon. It’s a fatty dish that depends on milk gravy for its flavor. CFS gives its consumers a heart full of grease and a colon full of fat.

Chicken-fried steak is one of the few foods that can override the distinctive and bold taste of bacon with its own heavyweight Crisco-esque flavor profile. Bacon is wasted on this “food,” and that’s just sad.

STOP WASTING BACON, PEOPLE!


Durian


Like the smell of rotting flesh? Then durian fruit is for you. But don’t you dare waste your bacon on it, because you will throw up before you can even put the bacon in your mouth. That, sir, is a crime and we will not let it stand.

The only good thing about durian is it tastes less bad than it smells -- like spoiled, mushy onions which is not improved by the projectile vomit you’re sure to spew all over the said fruit.


Natto

Fermented soy beans. It has a sticky paste. And when you stir it, the sticky paste increases.

Natto smells like butt, too. This, for some reason, does not deter some people.

Eat it with soy sauce! Eat it with kimchi! Eat it with... mayonaisse. Eat it with anything, but do not waste your bacon on it!


Rocky Mountain Oysters

Oh, twisted mind that conceived this noxious concoction! Oh, bastard soul who first tested, then tasted, then unleashed this fare upon a once-innocent world... a world in which one did not inflict fried bovine balls upon one’s palette!

Even if bacon somehow did make this stuff better, how could you tell? You’d be too busy dwelling on the fact that you were chewing on a testicle to pay attention.


Lutefisk

"Lutefisk is dried fish, soaked for several days in a lye and water mixture and then in plain water. It takes on a very gelatinous texture." I couldn't describe it myself because OMG IT IS DRIED FISH. SOAKED IN LYE. SEVERAL DAYS. IT IS GELATINOUS.

Bacon? What's bacon at this point? I just want to rip my tongue out...



Transformers 2

Robots don’t cry. Robots don’t fart. Robots don’t have balls. Yes, this is not a food, but just consider: Even if you had all the bacon you wanted to eat while experiencing this travesty, you wouldn’t enjoy this raping of your childhood. No sir.


Balut

Balut (AKA "OMG, OMG, OMG") is a Filipino delicacy that is made by boiling a duck egg with an almost developed duckling inside. I'm dying here. Bacon is supposed to go great with eggs! What am I doing here? Where am I?

Mommy, I'm lost!

What's that? Bacon... bacon...

Ah, yes, bacon. Bacon is bringing me back... back to a real meal... bacon and eggs... yes...


1000-Year-Old Egg

NOOO!

Will not get upset. Will not get upset. Will not get upset.

It's a "preserved egg." According to Wikipedia: "After the process is completed, the yolk becomes a dark green, cream-like substance with a strong odor of sulphur [FARTS] and ammonia [PEE], while the white becomes a dark brown, transparent jelly with little flavor or taste." Okay, Wikipedia didn't put in those brackets. But they oughta.

Fact: Bacon will not improve 1000-year-old egg.



via

Sacha Baron Cohen’s Newest Character

According to this, I'm my Mom

(via)

Thirty-Nine Questions for Charlie Daniels Upon Hearing "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" for the First Time in 25 Years.

BY JOHN MOE

- - - -

1. The Devil won that fiddling contest, right?

2. Because isn't that totally amazing fiddle feedback thing the Devil plays (which sounds like Hendrix gone bluegrass) a hundred times better than that high-school-band piece-of-crap tune Johnny plays?

3. I mean, come on, right?

4. And since the Devil is so clearly better, why does he lay the golden fiddle on the ground at Johnny's feet?

5. What kind of one-sided bet was that anyway, your eternal soul for a fiddle?

6. Shouldn't it have been something like Johnny's soul or the eradication of Evil?

7. Or maybe a golden fiddle against some object Johnny placed great value upon?

8. If the Devil went down to Georgia 'cause he was looking for a soul to steal, why does he arrange what appears to be an honest competition?

9. Was there actually some hidden theft or scam going on here on the part of the Devil?

10. Then why not explain that, Mr. Daniels?

11. And who was judging that contest?

12. Was it an honor-system kind of thing?

13. With the Devil?

14. Honor system with the Devil. How did Johnny get sucked into that one?

15. Does Johnny suffer from some—I'm trying to be delicate here—cognitive disabilities?

16. Was there some sort of arbitration board in place in the event that the outcome was not obvious?

17. If so, who served on this board?

18. It wasn't the demons, was it?

19. 'Cause even though they're the only characters in the song, they're kind of biased since they're in the Devil's band and they're demons, right?

20. So why—why—does the Devil take the dive and throw the contest?!

21. I mean, the Devil can't be hurting for cash. How much is it going to cost him to buy a new golden fiddle?

22. I'm thinking maybe $18,000. Does that sound right to you?

23. If you're Johnny, what do you even want with a golden fiddle?

24. Doesn't the metallic surface of a golden fiddle create an unpalatably tinny sound as opposed to the nice resonant sound on a wooden instrument?

25. Does he think he's going to display it in his home and tell people the story of how he beat the Devil?

26. Who's going to believe that?

27. Or does he try to sell the fiddle?

28. If so, how does he go about getting something like that appraised?

29. Or does he just melt it all down for the gold?

30. That sounds awfully hard, don't you think?

31. And is Johnny haunted by the question of why the Devil let him win like that?

32. Was there some catch in the contest that Johnny wasn't aware of where the Devil really does get his soul anyway and Johnny didn't notice it because he's not all that smart?

33. And even if he didn't get Johnny's soul, what is Johnny going to say to God in heaven when he has to explain that he bet his soul, the essence of life, God's one true gift, on a fiddle contest?

34. Johnny knows deep down that he's not really the best that's ever been and that's the source of his insecure boasting, right?

35. Was it really necessary or wise to invite the Devil to come on back if he ever wants to try again?

36. 'Cause what does Johnny need, a second golden fiddle?

37. Or maybe a golden viola the next time?

38. Why would the Devil need an invitation?

39. Are you implying, Mr. Daniels, that Johnny actually wants to get hustled?


(via)

In the “They-Had-No-Freakin’-CLUE-as-to-What-They-Were-Singing-About” Department…

I would’ve LOVED to see Lawrence Welk’s face when someone finally told him what they were actually singing about.

You - Gorgeous... Me - A Gamer... - still single

best of craigslist > vancouver, BC >
Originally Posted: Sun, 26 Apr 21:54 PDT

You - Gorgeous... Me - A Gamer... - still single
Date: 2009-04-26, 9:54PM PDT


It was last Friday. I had just gotten up from a SWEET game of Warcraft on my PC.

Anyway, I realized I was dangerously low on Mountain Dew, so I threw on my lucky green sweat pants and my trenchcoat to walk 3 blocks to the convenience store. I figured if I had enough change, I might even pick up some Slim Jims, but I digress...

On my way back to my apartment, Dew and Slim Jims in hand, I saw you and your friends walking into the Jazz club across the street. You seemed so comfortable and cool dressed to the nines for an evening of drinks and dancing.

It was then that I knew I had to meet you. Although I had never been in that particular establishment, I followed you in. You probably would have seen me, but I was slowed by an argument with the doorman over my attire.

After a few minutes, I think I had him convinced I looked ok, but then he proceeded to ask me for $10 just to walk into the bar. I couldn't believe they wanted to charge me just to get in. I, of course, had no money, having spent every spare cent on caffeine and sticks of processed beef.

I walked back to the convenience store and failed in my effort to return the goods I had so recently purchased. Luckily, the store had an ATM, so I withdrew $20 from the cash machine.

Armed with my fresh $20 bill, I marched to the Jazz Club, paid the $10 cover, and went looking for the woman of my dreams.

I saw you immediately, near the bar with your friends. You were at the end of the group with some space next to you, so I settled in close. You noticed me once or twice as I cleared my throat nervously trying to think of what to say.

It sounded like you may have commented on my trenchcoat to one of your friends, but I couldn't be sure.

I finally bumped you to get your attention. I may have bumped to hard as I noticed you spilled some of your drink on your shirt. Sorry about that.

ME: So... Do you come here often?

YOU: No. (you turn back to your friends)

ME: Me neither. I hate bars. I can't come to terms with why anyone would want to pay such high margins on watered down drinks they could make at home for a fraction of the cost... (I trail off noticing you aren't listening)

I regroup and lean in close to your ear...

ME: What are you drinking there?

YOU: (barely looking over your should back to me) A gin and tonic.

ME: Can I buy you one?

YOU: I already have one, see... (you hold up your drink sarcastically)

ME: Well then, can I reimburse you for the one you are drinking?

YOU: What? (looking at me now)

ME: Let me pay you back for that one.

YOU: Whatever. (looking puzzled and annoyed)

ME: How much was it?

YOU: What?

ME: How much is a gin and tonic?

YOU: Five dollars

ME: Jesus Christ! What fool pays $5 for a freakin' drink? That's robbery!!!

YOU: Get away from me.

ME: (embarrassed by my outburst) No, no, no. I said I'd pay you for it, so I will. (reaching in my pocket) Do you have change for a $10?

You: What?

ME: I only have a ten dollar bill? Do you have five dollars change?

YOU: (turning to face me completely and folding your arms as your friends quiet down to watch our interaction) Actually, this drink was $6 with tip.

ME: What?

YOU: My drink. It was $5 plus $1 for tip!

ME: Damn, this is getting expensive. Ok, do you have $4 change for my $10.

YOU: No.

ME: Well, then I'll have to get change from the bartender.

YOU: Don't bother. Leave me alone. (you turn back to your friends as they erupt in laughter)

I spend 10 mintues trying to get the bartender's attention. I can't blame him much because he was very busy serving so many other morons begging to be robbed of their hard earned dollars.

When he finally gets to me, he tells me he won't give me change, but I can buy a drink and will get change from that. I tell him I wouldn't dream of paying such inflated prices for frozen water and a few drops of our country's last legal poison. He goes on to the next patron.

Frustrated, I go to the bathroom to pee and think about my next move. I'm pretty sure if I can just pay you for that drink that we will soon be making hot monkey love back at my apartment.

However, I am disappointed at how much dating is already costing me, and how many obstacles one must overcome to simply buy a girl a drink. I start to plan my speech to you about how I may have jumped into this relationship too quickly, and that maybe we should just be friends.

While washing my hands in the sink, I notice there's a bathroom attendant. He is smiling and waiting with fresh paper towels for me. Next to him is his tray of tips stacked with dollar bills. I drop my ten dollar bill on the tray, as the attendants smile widens.

Then, I pick up a pile of ones and begin counting them. The bathroom attendant gets very hostile and grabs the cash from my hand. I wrestle with him over the wad of cash.

One of the bouncers must have been just outside the bathroom. I was sure that he would understand my story, and we could get everything sorted out. Boy was I wrong.

He didn't want to hear anything. He just grabbed me by my trench coat and ripped me out the bathroom door and toward the exit.

I yelled I LOVE YOU to you as he dragged me past your group. You replied loudly for all to hear F**K OFF CREEP!!!

I know we're meant for each other. Give me another chance.


(via)

YOU CAN STOP SHOUTING NOW

I have a friend who constantly types messages (email, Facebook) in all caps. I keep hoping that one of her other friends will clue her in to the annoyance-factor of doing that, but so far everyone else has been as gutless as me.

Then I came across this.


I think I'm going to include it as a signature pic for whenever I reply to her. Whaddya think?

NYU Admission Letter

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU in response to the following question:

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and god-like trombone playing, I can pilot up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays after school, I repair electrical appliances for the elderly free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won weekend passes. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read “Paradise Lost,” “Moby Dick” and “David Copperfield” in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact origami. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Richard Cheese - I *LOVE* this guy!

Richard Cheese is the bomb!



This one and "Baby Got Back" are my two favorites (Youngest Unmarried son Jack and I often perform them in the car, to the complete chagrin of Eldest Unmarried Son William... hee hee hee)

Okay - just one more...

Dear Alcohol....

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a HUGE fan of yours.

As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game and you're even around at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings).

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls/Text Messages:
While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the suggestion that conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity.

2. Eating:
Now, as you and every schoolchild from here to Pellucidar know, I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you
went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop!
This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you.


P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Would you like a soft taco?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.


(kudos to Brother Billy)

INSTITUTIONS OF HIGHER LEARNING and/or RESEARCH

Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.
Kelly Green University Fading to Chartreuse Around the Edges.

Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.

Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.

King's College.
Queen's College.
Jack's College (formerly Knave's College).
Ten's College.
Ace's College.

Texas A&M University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.

University of Maryland Institute for Advanced Computer Science.
University of Northern Saskatchewan Institute for Primitive Computer Science.
Charles Babbage Institute for Mechanical Computer Science.

Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.

University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.

Lawrence Livermore National Lab.
Lawrence Berkeley National Lab.
Lawrence Olivier National Lab.
Lawrence of Arabia National Lab.
Lawrence Welk National Lab.

Argonne National Lab.
Kryptonne National Lab.
Xenonne National Lab.
Radonne National Lab.

Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.

University of Wisconsin - Madison.
University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin - River Falls.
University of Wisconsin - Stout.
University of Wisconsin - Porter.
University of Wisconsin - Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin - Everclear.

Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.

Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.

George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.

Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.
Almost Central But Just Slightly Eastern Illinois University.

Ball State University.
Circle State University.
Triangle State University.
Line State University.

Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
Uncertain State University.
Out of State University.

McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.

McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.

Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.

Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University. *

South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.

BU.
BO.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.

Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.

Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.

Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.

Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.
Underarm Hair University.

Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.
Freeway University.

Lake Forest College.
Flake Forest College.
Frosted Flake Forest College.
Frosted Cheerios College.

Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.

Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.

University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.
University of Busch Gardens -- The Dark Continent.

Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.

Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.

Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.
Nintendo Super Mario Brothers (tm) Advanced Technology Research Center.

Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.

College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.

Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.

Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartuvula University.

Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.

Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.

Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.

Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.

Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.

Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.

Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.

Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.

IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
IBM Stupid Roles Played by William Shatner Research Center.

Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.

Oklahoma Panhandle State University.
Oklahoma Hitchhike State University.
Oklahoma Drink Night Train and Eat Out of Dumpsters State University.

Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.

Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.

Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.

Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.

Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.

Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.

College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.

Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.

Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.

Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.

Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.

Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.
Holy Hamburgers, Batman! College.
Oscar Mayer University

Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.

Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.

Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.

Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.

Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.

Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.

Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.

Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.

Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs University.

Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Open Weekdays Nine To Five Bible College.

Moody Bible Institute.
Pensive Bible Institute.
Peevish Bible Institute.
Depressed Bible Institute.
Paranoid Schizophrenic Bible Institute.
Stark Raving Mad Bible Institute on Antipsychotic Drugs.

Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.

From Ebony Magazine, 1985

Apparently, someone back in 1985 thought that, in 15 years, Michael Jackson would look like Lando Calrissian




(via)

Kitchen Appliances For Sale

(via)

You Know You're From Philadelphia If...

Okay, so I'm ACTUALLY in Mendenhall - about 30 miles outside of Philly. But I couldn't find anything REMOTELY related to, "You Know You're From Mendenhall If..."

So, here we go:

You Know You're From Philadelphia If...

* You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey."

* You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay). How many other States do that?

* You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" (a groundhog) is, and what it means if he sees his shadow.

* The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school holidays.

* You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.

* You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila."

* At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long.

* You know what a "Hex sign" is.

* You know what a "State Store" is, and your out-of-state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.

* You own only three condiments: "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup".

* Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", "sticky buns", "shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.

* You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. (Those from NY find this "barbaric".)

* You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.

* you know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (Lebanon Bologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing.

* You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it.

* You know the difference between a cheese steak & a pizza steak sandwich and a Primanti's, and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.

* You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.

* Customers ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.

* You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.

* You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is.

* You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio, or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.

* A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway in Lancaster County.

* You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

* You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them.

* You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, de-icer, or a snow brush in your trunk, even if you live in the south.

* Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

* As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were.

* Your graduating class consisted of mostly Polish, German, & Italian names.

* "You guys" and "ynz" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men & women.

* You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" (Didyoueatyet?)

* You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Conshohocken, and Monongahela.

* You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade.

How to Take a Joke

(via)

So, You Think YOU'RE Having a Bad Day?

(Thanks, George)

TV Shows I Miss: Firefly (Serenity)

TV Shows I Miss: Cheers

COACH: What would you say to a glass of beer, Norm?
NORM: Going Down?

COACH: What would you say to a glass of beer, Norm?
NORM: Daddy wuvs you.

COACH: What's shaking, Norm?
NORM: All 4 cheeks and a couple of chins.

COACH: What'll it be, Normie?
NORM: Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.

SAM: What'll you have, Norm?
NORM: Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll have a glass of whatever
comes of whatever comes out of that tap.
SAM: Oh, Looks like beer, Norm.
NORM: Call me Mister Lucky.

WOODY: Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
NORM: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.

WOODY: Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost been nipping at your nose?
NORM: Yep. Now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

COACH: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
NORM: No, I know what one looks like. Just pour me one.

COACH: How about a beer, Norm?
NORM: Hey I'm high on life, Coach....Of course, beer is my life.

COACH: How's a beer sound, Norm?
NORM: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.

COACH: What's going down, Normie?
NORM: My butt cheeks on that bar stool.

COACH: What's up, Norm?
NORM: Corners of my mouth, Coach.

COACH: Beer, Normie?
NORM: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still
young.

COACH: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
NORM: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.

COACH: What's up, Normie?
NORM: My nipples, it's freezing out there.

SAM: What's new, Norm?
NORM: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're
demanding beer.

SAM: What'd you like, Norm?
NORM: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.

SAM: What do you say, Norm?
NORM: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.

SAM: What do you say to a beer, Norm?
NORM: Hiya sailor. New in town?

SAM: What's the good word, Norm?
NORM: Plop, plop, fizz,fizz.

SAM: What's the story, Norm?
NORM: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.

SAM: How about a beer, Norm?
NORM: That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard great things
about it.

SAM: How's life treating you, Norm?
NORM: It's not, Sammy, but you can.

SAM: Beer, Norm?
NORM: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.

SAM: Whatcha up to, Norm?
NORM: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.

SAM: How's life treating you, Norm?
NORM: Like it caught me sleeping with his wife.

NORM: Afternoon everybody.
ALL: Norm!
CLIFF: Afternoon everybody.
ALL: [silence]

NORM: [come in from the rain] Evening everbody.
ALL: Norm!
SAM: Still pouring, Norm?
NORM: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.

WOODY: Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: A little early isn't it?
WOODY: For a beer?
NORM: No, for a stupid question.

WOODY: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to happy ending.

WOODY: How's it going, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: Poor.
WOODY: I'm sorry to hear that.
NORM: No, I mean pour.

WOODY: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: A sign flashing in my gut that says, "Insert beer here."

WOODY: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.

WOODY: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: Another layer for winter, Wood.

WOODY: Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: Alright, but stop me at one.....make it one-thirty.

WOODY: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
NORM: The question is what's going in, Mr. Peterson? A beer please,
Woody.

WOODY: How's it going Mr. Peterson?
NORM: It's a dog eat dog world out there, Woody, and I'm wearing
Milkbone underwear.

PAUL: Hey Norm, how's the world treating you?
NORM: Like a baby treats a diaper.

NORM: "Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."

SAM: What do you say, Norm?
NORM: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.

WOODY: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
NORM: "See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers."

Do, Re Mi at the Central Station, Antwerp

A few things to (hopefully) battle the Monday Blues

The Other Side of Mt. Rushmore

CSI: Kindergarten

Everything You Should Know About Email

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. Procter and Gamble is not part of a satanic cult or scheme, and its logo is not satanic. MTV will not give you backstage passes if you forward something to the most people. You can relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true." Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit," does not actually make it true.

2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are absolutely and completely bent on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero." Not even your friend's cousin.

3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at: http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html Then, if you make the recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on.

4.If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via a chain letter?

5. There is no ‘Good Times’ or ‘Deeyenda’ virus. It is impossible for your hard drive to be infected, formatted, erased, garbled or otherwise damaged by reading email. If someone sends you a binary file as an email attachment AND you choose to execute it without checking it’s origin first you might inadvertently run a Trojan virus (a harmful program that masquerades as a useful one). Any software you receive should be checked for viruses before running it, but simply reading your email cannot infect your computer with a virus. Most virus warnings received over email are bogus.

6. There is no gang initiation plot to murder any motorist who flashes headlights at another car driving at night without lights.

7. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, TURN OFF the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.

8.If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times we've probably already seen it.

9. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England is not dying of cancer or anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either. Actually, this legend is based on Shergold’s request to make the Guinness Book of World Records for receiving the most greeting cards and has since been modified into requests to send email to various fake addresses. Sometimes there a boy in a local hospital who just wants to know who got the chain-mail he originated. These are urban legends started by pranksters. Often the email message you are supposed to send your email to is that of some poor unsuspecting victim who will probably be flooded with unsolicited email. The only known exception to this rule that I am aware of was in 1996 when SUN Microsystems had an ‘emailathon’ where they donated money for books for every email sent to Rudolph at a north pole email address. You should never send unsolicited email to an address unless you can confirm the recipient is legit (via a World Wide Web page or an actual phone call.)

10. The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real organization doing fine work, but they have had to establish a special toll free hot line in response to the large number of Internet hoaxes using their good name and reputation. It is distracting them from the important work they do.

11. If you are one of those persons who forwards anything that "promises" something bad will happen if you "don't,"
"PLEASE DON'T FORWARD IT TO ME!"

12. Women really ARE suffering in Afghanistan but forwarding an e-mail won't help either cause in the least. If you want to help, contact your local legislative representative, or get in touch with Amnesty International or the Red Cross.

13. There is no bill pending before Congress that will allow long distance companies to charge you for using the Internet. Bottom Line...composing e-mail or posting something on the Net is as easy as writing on the walls of a public restroom. Don't automatically believe it until it's proven true... ASSUME it's false, unless there is proof that it's true.

Six Boys And Thirteen Hands

The Boys of Iwo Jima
(From the book: Heart Touchers "Life-Changing Stories of Faith, Love, and
Laughter)

by Michael T. Powers


Each year my video production company is hired to go to Washington, D.C.
with the eighth grade class from Clinton, Wisconsin where I grew up, to
videotape their trip. I greatly enjoy visiting our nation's capitol, and
each year I take some special memories back with me. This fall's trip was
especially memorable.

On the last night of our trip, we stopped at the Iwo Jima memorial. This
memorial is the largest bronze statue in the world and depicts one of the
most famous photographs in history -- that of the six brave men raising the
American flag at the top of Mount Surabachi on the Island of Iwo Jima, Japan
during WW II. Over one hundred students and chaperones piled off the buses
and headed towards the memorial. I noticed a solitary figure at the base of
the statue, and as I got closer he asked, "What's your name and where are
you guys from?

I told him that my name was Michael Powers and that we were from Clinton,
Wisconsin.

"Hey, I'm a Cheesehead, too! Come gather around Cheeseheads, and I will
tell you a story."

James Bradley just happened to be in Washington, D.C. to speak at the
memorial the following day. He was there that night to say good-night to his
dad, who had previously passed away, but whose image is part of the statue.
He was just about to leave when he saw the buses pull up. I videotaped him
as he spoke to us, and received his permission to share what he said from my
videotape. It is one thing to tour the incredible monuments filled with
history in Washington, D.C. but it is quite another to get the kind of
insight we received that night. When all had gathered around he reverently
began to speak. Here are his words from that night:

"My name is James Bradley and I'm from Antigo, Wisconsin. My dad is on that
statue, and I just wrote a book called Flags of Our Fathers which is #5 on
the New York Times Best Seller list right now. It is the story of the six
boys you see behind me. Six boys raised the flag. The first guy putting the
pole in the ground is Harlon Block. Harlon was an all-state football player.
He enlisted in the Marine Corps with all the senior members of his football
team. They were off to play another type of game, a game called "War." But
it didn't turn out to be a game.

Harlon, at the age of twenty-one, died with his intestines in his hands.
I don't say that to gross you out; I say that because there are generals who
stand in front of this statue and talk about the glory of war. You guys need
to know that most of the boys in Iwo Jima were seventeen, eighteen, and
nineteen years old.

(He pointed to the statue)

You see this next guy? That's Rene Gagnon from New Hampshire. If you took
Rene's helmet off at the moment this photo was taken, and looked in the
webbing of that helmet, you would find a photograph. A photograph of his
girlfriend. Rene put that in there for protection, because he was scared. He
was eighteen years old. Boys won the battle of Iwo Jima.
Boys. Not old men.

The next guy here, the third guy in this tableau, was Sergeant Mike Strank.
Mike is my hero. He was the hero of all these guys. They called him the "old
man" because he was so old. He was already twenty-four.
When Mike would motivate his boys in training camp, he didn't say, "Let's go
kill the enemy" or "Let's die for our country." He knew he was talking to
little boys. Instead he would say, "You do what I say, and I'll get you home
to your mothers."

The last guy on this side of the statue is Ira Hayes, a Pima Indian from
Arizona. Ira Hayes walked off Iwo Jima. He went into the White House with my
dad. President Truman told him, "You're a hero." He told reporters, "How
can I feel like a hero when 250 of my buddies hit the island with me and
only twenty-seven of us walked off alive?"

So you take your class at school. 250 of you spending a year together having
fun, doing everything together. Then all 250 of you hit the beach, but only
twenty-seven of your classmates walk off alive. That was Ira Hayes. He had
images of horror in his mind. Ira Hayes died dead drunk, face down at the
age of thirty-two, ten years after this picture was taken.

The next guy, going around the statue, is Franklin Sousley from Hilltop,
Kentucky, a fun-lovin' hillbilly boy. His best friend, who is now 70, told
me, "Yeah, you know, we took two cows up on the porch of the Hilltop General
Store. Then we strung wire across the stairs so the cows couldn't get down.
Then we fed them Epson salts. Those cows crapped all night."

Yes, he was a fun-lovin' hillbilly boy. Franklin died on Iwo Jima at the age
of nineteen. When the telegram came to tell his mother that he was dead, it
went to the Hilltop General Store. A barefoot boy ran that telegram up to
his mother's farm. The neighbors could hear her scream all night and into
the morning. The neighbors lived a quarter of a mile away.

The next guy, as we continue to go around the statue, is my dad, John
Bradley from Antigo, Wisconsin, where I was raised. My dad lived until 1994,
but he would never give interviews. When Walter Kronkite's producers, or the
New York Times would call, we were trained as little kids to say, "No, I'm
sorry sir, my dad's not here. He is in Canada fishing. No, there is no phone
there, sir. No, we don't know when he is coming back."

My dad never fished or even went to Canada. Usually he was sitting right
there at the table eating his Campbell's soup, but we had to tell the press
that he was out fishing. He didn't want to talk to the press. You see, my
dad didn't see himself as a hero. Everyone thinks these guys are heroes,
'cause they are in a photo and a monument. My dad knew better.
He was a medic. John Bradley from Wisconsin was a caregiver. In Iwo Jima he
probably held over 200 boys as they died, and when boys died in Iwo Jima,
they writhed and screamed in pain.

When I was a little boy, my third grade teacher told me that my dad was a
hero. When I went home and told my dad that, he looked at me and said, "I
want you always to remember that the heroes of Iwo Jima are the guys who did
not come back. DID NOT come back."

So that's the story about six nice young boys. Three died on Iwo Jima, and
three came back as national heroes. Overall, 7000 boys died on Iwo Jima in
the worst battle in the history of the Marine Corps. My voice is giving out,
so I will end here. Thank you for your time."

Suddenly the monument wasn't just a big old piece of metal with a flag
sticking out of the top. It came to life before our eyes with the heartfelt
words of a son who did indeed have a father who was a hero.
Maybe not a hero in his own eyes, but a hero nonetheless.


Michael T. Powers
HeartTouchers@aol.com

Copyright © 2000 by Michael T. Powers

Write Michael and let him know your thoughts on this story!


Michael T. Powers, the founder of HeartTouchers.com and Heart4Teens.com, is
the youth minister at Faith Community Church in Janesville, Wisconsin. He is
happily married to his high school sweetheart Kristi and proud father of
three young rambunctious boys.

He is also an author with stories in 29 inspirational books including many
in the Chicken Soup for the Soul series and his own entitled: Heart Touchers
"Life-Changing Stories of Faith, Love, and Laughter." To preview his book or
to join the thousands of world wide readers on his inspirational e-mail
list, visit: www.HeartTouchers.com

Queen Latifa's New Commercial...

Zombie T-Shirt

I gotta get me one of these...

(via Ames)

The Top 10 Attributes of Extremely Lazy People

10. The absolute inability to put forth the effort required to complete any task.



.



.



(via)

The definition of a "Train Wreck..."

I first saw Sondra Locke in the 1968 movie, “The Heart is a Lonely Hunter,” starring Alan Arkin. The movie was great and she was outstanding.

Then she met Clint Eastwood and started to sing.

Look up “Train Wreck” in the dictionary and you’ll see this picture.

She and Eastwood had a 14-year affair, during which he cast her in pretty much all of his movies.

This is so bad, it's hysterical...

2009 Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a Pie Man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie Man, "What have you got there?"
Said the Pie Man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb ass!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the Kings' men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Hey Diddle, Diddle the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Once kissed the girls and made them cry.
But now that Georgie can't stand noise
Georgie Porgy's kissing boys.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad.........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she qualified for public assistance and food stamps.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over a candlestick.
Goodness, gracious, Great Balls of Fire.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
And one stupid goddamn eggplant.

Hickory dickory doc,
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck One,
The other two escaped with minor injuries.


(Most of 'em via the lovely and talented AmyOops)

How to Open a Banana Like a Monkey

I *love* bananas and have been eating them my entire life, but I never knew this up until now.

Check this out...

Ridiculously Questionable T-Shirts

(via)

Statler & Waldorf quotes...

Statler: That was wonderful!
Waldorf: Bravo!
S: I loved it!
W: That was great!
S: Well, it was pretty good.
W: Well, It wasn't bad.
S: There were parts that weren't pretty good, though.
W: It could've been a lot better.
S: I didn't really like it.
W: It was pretty terrible.
S: It was bad.
W: It was awful!
S & W: Boo! Boo!

Statler: Boo!
Waldorf: Boooo!
S: That was the worst thing I’ve ever heard!
W: It was terrible!
S: Horrendous!
W: Well it wasn’t that bad.
S: Oh, yeah?
W: Well, there were parts of it I liked!
S: Well, I liked a lot of it.
W: Yeah, it was GOOD actually.
S: It was great!
W: It was wonderful!
S: Yeah, bravo!
W: More!
S: More!
W: More!
S: More!

Statler: Brilliant!
Waldorf: Ah, it was terrible.
S: Well, it was good.
W: Ah, it was very bad.
S: Well, it was average.
W: Ah, it was in the middle there.
S: Ah, it wasn't that great.
W: I kind of liked it.
S: It was terrible!
W: I loved it!
S: Get 'em off!
W: MORE!

Statler: They aren’t half bad.
Waldorf: Nope, they’re ALL bad!

Statler: What’s all the commotion about?
Waldorf: The bunny ran away!
Statler: Well, you know what that makes him -
S & W: Smarter than us!

Statler: Well, that was different.
Waldorf: Yep. Lousy...
Both: ...but different!

Statler: The question is, what is a Mahna Mahna?
Waldorf: The question is, who cares?

Waldorf: Bravo, bravo!
Statler: Why are you yelling bravo? Did you like it that much?
Waldorf: Nope; friend of mine, Joe Bravo, he's sitting in the front row. Bravo!

Statler: (after putting on his 3-D glasses) Hey, hey look! Look at the guy in the Goofy mask!
Waldorf: That's not a mask.
Statler: Oh, sorry lady!

Waldorf: Hey look, an orchestra of penguins!
Statler: Yeah, probably took the job for the halibut!

Statler: This is a very moving moment.
Waldorf: Yeah; I wish they'd move it to Pittsburgh!

Waldorf: I wish Gene Kelly would teach me to Charleston.
Statler: I wish Gene Kelly would DRIVE you to Charleston!

Statler: Wake up you old fool. You slept through the show.
Waldorf: Who's a fool? You watched it.

Statler: I like the steel Drums!
Waldorf: What?!?
Statler: THE PIGS' STEEL DRUMS!!!
Waldorf: I believe it! They'll take anything that isn't bolted down!

Statler: There've been wars started over less then that
Waldorf: You're wrong. Nothing's less then that.

Waldorf: You know, the second half of this show reminds me of Aspen.
Statler: Why Aspen?
Waldorf: Cause it's all downhill from here!

Waldorf: I didn't know pigs could do that!
Statler: Be that talented?
Waldorf: No, be that bad!

Statler: Gonzo should quit while he's ahead
Waldorf: Gonzo should quit while he's alive!

Statler: That Johnny Depp is everywhere! What's he got that I haven't, besides youth, good looks, virility, fame, wealth...
Waldorf: ...functioning kidney, gallbladder, hip...
Statler: Alright! Alright! Alright!

Harry Belafonte and the Muppets

"I Survived Cozumel, '07. Tag Gently"

That's the theme we all came up with for our trip. (We're considering making T-Shirts for the group with that logo.) A link to the less incriminating photos can be found here.

Tag gently.

Ask Doctor Skip

Q: Doctor Skip, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bits so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… No Pain!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is *good* for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!


(via)

Video of Orcas Attacking a Seal

This is incredible!



(Thanks, George!)

Back in the Land Up Over...

Arrived safe and sound back home around 10 last night.

What an incredible trip!

More pics posted soon!

A Powerful and Poignant Message from Stevie Wonder on the Death of Michael Jackson

....... .. . . .. ...
.. . . . . . . . . .. . .. .. .. .. . . ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . . .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. . ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....

Deep stuff, huh?


I nearly cried when he said ". .. . . . .. .. . .. .. . . .... ...."


(thanks, Bardgal!)

You Know You’re a Scuba Diver When

~You correct non-divers for saying when scuba divers breathe oxygen instead of air.

~You pay your neighbors in abalone for dogsitting.

~Your cubicle looks like an aquarium.

~More than half of your conversations begin with "How's the vis?"

~You stagger into work an hour late on Monday morning, no one things you were out drinking, but instead asks if you have any dive pictures.

~You're determining whether you can afford to go with the Ikelite DS-125 strobe if you apply to a couple fewer medical schools.

~You had gear insurance before you had health insurance.

~You refer to your time at work as "offgassing" between dives.

~The dive shop owners, motel workers, and waitresses in a city three and a half hours away know you better than your boss does.

~You're nicer to people who cut you off in traffic because they have a dive flag sticker.

~You get into more arguments about the genus of a mystery nudibranch than you do about politics.

~You constantly dream of moving to the tropics.

~You are introduced to new people as, "This is _____. He's a scuba diver."

~You have more C-cards than credit cards.

~Someone says, "Want to see some Nudi pictures?" and you expect them to be brightly colored sea slugs of various genus.

~One of the primary considerations of which new car to buy is how much dive gear it will hold.

~You compare everything to the price of dive gear to determine if it's expensive.

~You have at least one dive flag sticker on your car.

Cozumel is AMAZING!

We finished our 11th and final dive yesterday - today is a "free day" before we fly back tomorrow. I'm thinking massages in the morning and a submarine ride this afternoon

It's been incredible!



More pics to follow!

The House of Chaos is Closed (kinda, temporarily)

Okay, Troops - the boys and I are off for a week-long diving trip to COZUMEL!

When I was in high school, my best friend (and dive buddy) was a guy named John Keeney. He was the President of our Senior Class in high school, and he looked remarkably like Leonard Nimoy, so I've always called him "Spock" (He called me "Friar," for some strange reason). We always talked about going to Cozumel - at the time that was the Holy Grail of scuba divers. We plotted and schemed and planned for a our chance at this wondrous, far away land, but were never able to make it happen.

Well, Spock moved to Australia (he is, incidentally, the only person I know who would make Australians look reserved!), and has subsequently turned old and gray (while I have maintained my youthful countenance), and doesn't dive any longer. But back in the day, the dude logged some awesome dives, including Cozumel, as well as on the Great Barrier Reef, the Maldives, and God knows where else.

Now it's Friar's turn.

Dunno what access there will be (if any) to the Internets, so posting may be slim to non-existent for the next week.

Expect a buttload of pictures when we get back!

Here's something mildly interesting...

Tomorrow at 12:34:56 it will be 12:34:56 07/08/09 (unless you are dd/mm/yy, in which case you have another month to go).

You're welcome.

Otptimus Prime on Letterman

The Top 10 Things That Sound Cool When Spoken By a Giant Robot!

The Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Family Photo Album

Killer Lizard Attacks Reporter

Personal Ad - in Graph Form

(via Craigslist)

Fun, Handwritten Signs

(via)

Newest Lottery Winners!

Sayings That Should Be On Buttons And Bumperstickers

. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
. Do I LOOK like a people person?
. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
. You! Off my planet!
. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
. And just how may I MESS you over today?
. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for years.
. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
. Allow me to introduce my selves.
. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
. Better living through denial.
. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
. Adult child of alien invaders.
. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
. Adults are just kids who owe money.
. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
. I work hours a week to be this poor.
. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #?
. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
. You look like hell. Is that the style now?
. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
. Earth is full. Go home.
. Is it time for your medication or mine?
. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
. I plead contemporary insanity.
. And which dwarf are you?
. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
. Meandering to a different drummer.
. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

The Hubble Deep Field - "The Most Important Image Ever Taken"

In 2003, the Hubble Space Telescope took the image of a millennium, an image that shows our place in the universe. Anyone who understands what this image represents, is forever changed by it.

When Did You Get Old?

Okay, here's the deal...using this list, you can pinpoint exactly when middle age kicked in by identifying the first song on the list for which you can’t hum the melody.

* * * * 1964 “A Hard Day’s Night” The Beatles
* * * * 1965 “I Got You Babe” Sonny & Cher
* * * * 1966 “Summer in the City” The Lovin’ Spoonful
* * * * 1967 “Light My Fire” The Doors
* * * * 1968 “People Got to Be Free” The Rascals
* * * * 1969 “In the Year 2525″ Zager and Evans
* * * * 1970 “(They Long to Be) Close to You” The Carpenters
* * * * 1971 “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?” Bee Gees
* * * * 1972 “Alone Again (Naturally)” Gilbert O’ Sullivan
* * * * 1973 “The Morning After” Maureen McGovern
* * * * 1974 “(You’re) Having My Baby” Paul Anka with Odia Coates
* * * * 1975 “Jive Talkin’” the Bee Gees
* * * * 1976 “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” Elton John & Kiki Dee
* * * * 1977 “I Just Want to Be Your Everything” Andy Gibb
* * * * 1978 “Miss You” Rolling Stones
* * * * 1979 “My Sharona” the Knack
* * * * 1980 “Magic” Olivia Newton-John
* * * * 1981 “Jessie’s Girl” Rick Springfield
* * * * 1982 “Eye Of The Tiger” Survivor
* * * * 1983 “Every Breath You Take” the Police
* * * * 1984 “Ghostbusters” Ray Parker Jr.
* * * * 1985 “The Power of Love” Huey Lewis & the News
* * * * 1986 “Papa Don’t Preach” Madonna
* * * * 1987 “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” U2
* * * * 1988 “Roll With It” Steve Winwood
* * * * 1989 “Right Here Waiting” Richard Marx
* * * * 1990 “Vision of Love” Mariah Carey
* * * * 1991 “(Everything I Do) I Do It for You” Bryan Adams
* * * * 1992 “Baby Got Back” Sir Mix-A-Lot
* * * * 1993 “(I Can’t Help) Falling in Love With You UB40
* * * * 1994 “Stay (I Missed You)” Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories
* * * * 1995 “Waterfalls” TLC
* * * * 1996 “Macarena” Los Del Rio
* * * * 1997 “I’ll Be Missing You” Puff Daddy & Faith Evans
* * * * 1998 “The Boy Is Mine” Brandy & Monica
* * * * 1999 “Genie in a Bottle” Christina Aguilera
* * * * 2000 “It’s Gonna Be Me” ‘N Sync
* * * * 2001 “Bootylicious” Destiny’s Child
* * * * 2002 “Hot In Herre” Nelly
* * * * 2003 “Crazy In Love" Beyonce featuring Jay-Z
* * * * 2004 “Confessions Part II” Usher
* * * * 2005 “We Belong Together” Mariah Carey
* * * * 2006 “Promiscuous” Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland
* * * * 2007 “Big Girls Don’t Cry” Fergie
* * * * 2008 “Leavin’” Jesse McCartney


Mine kicked in around 1987 (although I got a few after that). What about you? When did YOU get old?


(via)

Summer Classes at the Adult Learning Center

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. HERE ARE THE DESCRIPTIONS FOR EACH OF THE 14 SUMMER CLASSES BEING OFFERED TO BOTH MEN AND WOMEN.

Summer Classes For Women

Class 1
* Up in Winter, Down in Summer — How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
* Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? — Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
* Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? — Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
* Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase — Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
* Curling Irons – Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet? — Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
* How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program — Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
* Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos? — Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
* Health Watch – They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT! — Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
* I Was Wrong and He Was Right! — Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
* How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim. — Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
* Learning to Live – How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield. – Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
* How to Shop by Yourself. — Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
* How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed. — Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
* The Stove/Oven – What It Is and How It Is Used. — Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.



Summer Classes For Men

Class 1
* How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays — Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
* The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself? — Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00for 2 hours.

Class 3
* Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? — Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
* Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor - Pictures and explanatory graphics. — Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
* After Dinner Dishes — Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? — Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
* Loss Of Identity — Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. — Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
* Learning How To Find Things — Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. – Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
* Health Watch – Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. — Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
* Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost — Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
* Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? — Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
* Learning to Live — Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. —
Online Classes and role-playing. Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
* How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion — Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
* How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy — Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late. — Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
* The Stove/Oven – What It Is and How It Is Used. — Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.


Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.


(via)

Happy Fourth of July, Troops!

And, for the rest of the world, it's acceptable for you to wish us a Happy Birthday. It's (finally) cool to like America again.



The Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.



WWASD?

So True...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Michael Jackson Jokes?
The Jokes are Getting Old.

Man, I need to go on a diet (again)

Every so often I hit my MPP - my Maximum Piggy Point. That's when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror (usually right after stepping out of the shower), and you think, "Okay, that's it. I really need to lose some weight."

I've tried every diet there is. And all of them worked, for awhile. I did the Phen-Phen thing for spell, the Low Carb Diet, Nutri-System, Jenny Craig (but just for a week. The reason Jenny Craig works is because their food tastes like CARDBOARD. Even the desserts are heinous), Weight Watchers (best one so far - I may go back to that one... although the meetings are torture), Overeaters Anonymous (ditto for the meetings), only eating once a day (usually at some salad bar with heaps of healthy crap).

Maybe it's time to try something new.

Okay, follow me now…it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade, right? (Just agree. Nod your head “yes.” It’s good for your neck muscles). Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories!

Therefore, ergo, ipso facto, employing the deductive method of reasoning: the more cold dessert you eat, the faster you will lose weight.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable (and, incidentally, it beats jogging hands down).

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as you’ve probably already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

I think this pizza, beer, and ice cream diet is going to be the next new craze. Maybe I should write a book?

Is anybody else getting tired of all the Michael Jackson coverage?

I know, he did some good things. But c'mon... a drug-addled, plastic surgery-obsessed pedophile? Farrah Fawcett lost a heroic battle with Cancer just hours before, but that hasn't warranted a tiny fraction of the coverage of Wacko Jacko.

Just plant the sucker (no pun intended. Well, maybe a little...) and enjoy this clip of Farrah Fawcett in 1969 on "The Dating Game":

Toilet Humor

For when you REALLY have to go:
Corporate toilet:
Women's toilet:
For use by the narcoleptic or chronically hammered:
And, for that certain special someone:

Letters Of Recommendations For Fired Employees

Ever have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

Yup, sounds about right...

I did *not* fight my way to the top of the Food Chain to be a VEGETARIAN!

"So, are you a vegetarian because you love animals or because you hate plants?"

Gifts for the Geek in Your Life

First of all, how to IDENTIFY a geek:


Now, if you or someone close to you falls into this category, here are some creative gift ideas:

Dunno if I'd get these

A "Delete" Flywatter? Oh, yeah...

This is the cleverest of them all

Spelling, however, is NOT high on the Priority List