Skip's House of Chaos

Optical Illusion ...

2012-01-28T14:30:00.000-08:00

Skipnote: I promise (honest to God) this isn't one of those screamers. Go ahead and try it...

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Being Neighborly

2012-01-28T12:14:00.000-08:00

My neighbor who lives right across the street is gorgeous, and, as far as I can tell, is single and lives alone.

I watched as she got home from work yesterday, and imagine my surprise when, instead of going inside, she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door and I rushed to open it.

She looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this uncontrollable urge to have a good time, get totally wasted and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “Nope! I’m free! I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good! Would you watch my dog?”

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Ten Common Misconceptions Debunked

2012-01-28T08:39:00.000-08:00

(Well, really only nine. The tenth, though funny, is false).

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Actually, my name is Austin Powers. "Danger" is my ... middle name.

2012-01-28T05:06:00.000-08:00

Yeah, baby...

A Mildly Educational Cartoon

2012-01-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

A True Gryffindor

2012-01-27T12:08:00.000-08:00

During the years of 2007-2011, Dame Maggie Smith (Professor McGonagall) continued to film the final Harry Potter movies, all while battling Breast Cancer. During the filming of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Smith had shingles and was forced to wear a wig in order to continue filming.

On the subject, Smith said, “If there’s work to do I’ll do it. I’ve still got to stagger through the last Harry Potter. The cancer was hideous. It takes the wind out of your sails and I don’t know what the future holds, if anything. You feel so ghastly, you wouldn’t mind dying a lot of the time. The last couple of years have been a write-off, though I’m beginning to feel like a person now. My energy is coming back. I ought to pull myself together a bit.”

If anything, she’s a truly incredible and inspiring woman, and should be admired greatly.

Respect, Professor McGonagall.

(Thanks, Steph)

A Slow Learner

2012-01-27T07:59:00.000-08:00

(Thanks, Timmy!)

Cartoons for Off-Center People

2012-01-27T05:27:00.000-08:00

(Thanks, Billy!)

Alien vs. Predator

2012-01-26T15:08:00.000-08:00

I know funny, and that's funny

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One day, out in the country...

2012-01-26T11:48:00.000-08:00

A country doctor was making a house call at a farm.

He spotted a well at the side of the house and walked over to it. He leaned over to see how deep the well was, but unfortunately he leaned too far and plunged to the bottom.

It took rescuers hours to finally pull him to safety.

When the ordeal was over the farmer remarked to the doctor, "I hope you've learned your lesson."

"What lesson is that?"

"A doctor should tend to the sick and leave the well alone."

(Thanks, Phillip!)

True, ladies?

2012-01-26T08:26:00.000-08:00

A Good Life

2012-01-26T03:03:00.000-08:00

Amen.

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I got some good news and some bad news...

2012-01-25T15:00:00.000-08:00

One day, at the bar...

2012-01-25T11:43:00.000-08:00

Having had one drink too many, a bar patron was beginning to display a nasty side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him. He looked her up and down and then whispered, “Hey, how about it babe? You and me?”

She got up to leave, so the drunk said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have two dollars!”

The woman looked back, and just as loudly replied,

“What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

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Poor Stewie...

2012-01-25T08:51:00.000-08:00

Stewie, Stewie, Stewie.

Suicide isn't the answer.

Homicide, on the other hand...

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Thanks, Steven...

2012-01-25T05:18:00.000-08:00

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She was so cute...

2012-01-24T15:04:00.000-08:00

...when she was just a pony...

Erin! Go Bra!

2012-01-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

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Say... that's right...

2012-01-24T08:55:00.000-08:00

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There's always somebody cooler than you...

2012-01-24T05:42:00.000-08:00

Wait...

If you're cooler than me,

does that mean that I'm hotter than you?

THAT...

2012-01-23T15:00:00.000-08:00

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A Ripper of a Speech

2012-01-23T12:02:00.000-08:00

The following speech was given by 6th grader Sophie Paterson at the Central Hawke’s Bay Primary School's Rotary speech competition in New Zealand.

Hi, today I am going to talk to you about farts.

Some people think farts are rude and some people think farts are funny, like me.

I think farts are hilarious.

Farting is a fact of life. Everybody farts. The Queen farts, superstars fart and I fart. We will fart until the day we die.

And apparently a person can still fart after death!!

Do you know why we fart?

Flatulence, wind or farts, whatever you like to call them, is the production of the mixture of gases in the digestive tract, that are by products of the digestive process.

The average person farts about 14 times a day, which produces about half a litre of fart gas.(Personally, I think I fart more than 14 times a day).

Farts are made up of the following: Nitrogen, the main ingredient making up 59 percent; next behind is hydrogen at 21 percent; 9 percent carbon dioxide; 7 percent methane, 3 percent oxygen and 1 percent other stuff.

But listen to this - hydrogen sulphide is the compound that makes them stink!

Here are the top 10 farter's:

1. Termites

2. Camels

3. Zebras and my pony Free

4. Sheep

5. Cows

6. Elephants

7. Labradors and retrievers

8. Humans (vegetarians)

9. Humans (non-vegetarians)

10. Gerbils (also known as the desert rat)

If If you are going to fart, do not sit by flames, because farts are very

flammable.

Also, they can come motoring out of your body at 10 kmh.

No wonder some of you have holes in your undies!

Please do not panic if you find yourself trapped in a small space like a

closet, as it is impossible to suffocate in your own farts. Unless Ben (my little brother) is in there with you!

Anyway next time you fart, don’t think it’s rude. Just know that everybottie, oops, I mean, everybody, farts.

Thank you for listening to my fartastic speech.

Here’s a little poem that I’d like to share with you.

"A fart can be useful

It gives the body ease.

It warms the bed in winter

And suffocates the fleas."

Dunno about you, but I think little Sophie just blew away the competition.

(Thanks, Billy!)

Morgan Freeman's Voice

2012-01-23T05:19:00.000-08:00

(Thanks, Kaley!)

Happy Monday, Little Ducks!

2012-01-23T03:21:00.000-08:00

(you can buy yours here!)

Yeah... in case you haven't heard...

2012-01-22T14:37:00.000-08:00

Oh, and by the way...

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You Know Your Church is a Redneck Church If...

2012-01-22T12:02:00.000-08:00

...the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

...people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

...when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

...opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

...a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

...the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

...in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

...Baptism is referred to as "branding".

...high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

...people think "rapture" is what yAlou get when you lift something too heavy.

...the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

...the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

...the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

...instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

...the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

...the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

..."Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

...the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, y'hear?"

(Thanks, Miss C!)

Age Dating and the "Creepy Factor"

2012-01-22T09:14:00.000-08:00

BFF Donna (who knew the last one) informed me that, in regard to any future girlfriend-slash-wife:

(1) She has right of first refusal. If she doesn't like her, I can't date her, and,

(2) She can't be younger than her.

So that'll put me WELL within the Green Zone.

Forget "a barrel of monkeys" ...

2012-01-22T05:22:00.000-08:00

...try A BAG OF EYEBALLS!

(Gracias, Kevin!)

IT WORKS!!!

2012-01-21T15:10:00.000-08:00

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The Best Thing...

2012-01-21T11:42:00.000-08:00

It's a good thing they didn't make the expression "It's the best thing since sliced bacon," because it's pointless to compare anything to the best thing in the whole, entire, ever-and-ever universe.

In the "What-Could-POSSIBLY-Go-Wrong?" department...

2012-01-21T08:45:00.000-08:00

NOVA correspondent Chad Cohen chats with an eerily-lifelike robot named Phillip (modeled on legendary sci-fi author Philip K. Dick, whose books were the basis for dark visions of the future like Blade Runner, Minority Report and A Scanner Darkly).

Things are going smoothly in the interview all the way up to the 2:48 mark, when Phillip talks about what will happen when (not if, mind you) he turns into the Terminator.

Oh, yeah. THIS is going to end well.

By your command...

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Wait... which one was the Good Witch, again?

2012-01-21T04:59:00.000-08:00

Am I an evil person if the biggest thing that bothers me about this is that whoever made it can't spell?

And, while we're on the subject, ANOTHER thing that bothers me is why did the Wicked Witch have a bucket of water in her castle if she was so allergic to it in the first place?

Jack's Benihana Birthday Bash

2012-01-20T21:34:00.000-08:00

Our annual tradition of spending our birthdays (and a LOT of cash) at Benihana's.

This time is was Jack's turn!

Jackie... the hair ia amazing...

This is Luis, our cook. He was awesome.

BFF Donna with hubby Luis (the one who wasn't cooking)

A-a-a-and... all of us together...

Happy birthday, Jack!

2012-01-20T14:49:00.000-08:00

Youngest Unmarried Son, the Apple of My Eye and the Final Fruit of My Loins Jack Tucker... the little munchkin who I used to tushie-toss out of the pool (and who now towers over me like Lurch)...

...turns 17 today!

Let's see... aside from the obvious, what does that mean, hmmmm?

But dude, you're at the top of the school pyramid as a Senior - you're where you want to be - (most) everybody likes you (oh, I'm sure there are one or two dumbass divas out there who might not, but they have to be with themselves every single day!).

But the Number One reason to celebrate today is that William has to stop saying he's two years older than you.

Happy birthday, Son!

UPDATE: To celebrate, Jack had a friend dye his hair last night.

They were going for blue (well, "teal," is what they told me).

(I don't know... it sorta looks more green...)

I can't wait to see what he's got planned for his next (18th) birthday...

Newt Gringich's Answer to Socialist "Obamacare"

2012-01-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

SUFFOCATE 'em when they get too old!

Alternate title: Newt Gingrich Punches Ex-wife in the Face

~ or ~

Gingrich Learns Too Late How

Playing "Got Your Nose" at a

Leprosy Clinic is a Bad Idea

~ or ~

"I said PULL my finger, not SNIFF it..."

54 Seconds of AWESOME

2012-01-20T11:55:00.000-08:00

From a campaign event last night at the Apollo Theater in Harlem (which is also the firt time the legendary landmark has been visited by a sitting president). I think we were mere seconds from panties being thrown on the stage

Well played, Mr. President!

(Thanks, Tally!)

Relationship Status

2012-01-20T04:59:00.000-08:00

Can Apple Save Educashun?

2012-01-19T15:28:00.000-08:00

Via: OnlineEducation.net

Wait... I don't remember this episode...

2012-01-19T15:10:00.000-08:00

Well, at least I finally know what William T. Riker's middle initial stood for...

Thursday Groaners

2012-01-19T11:51:00.000-08:00

I bought the latest edition of the NFL Handbook for Referees but I can't understand a word of it.

It’s in braille.

* * * * *

Freakin’ auto-correct can go to he'll.

* * * * *

I used to have Mad Cow's Disease, but I'm all right nooooooooow.

* * * * *

The Greek government has wasted no time in putting that stricken cruise ship on eBay - I can already see it’s listing.

* * * * *

"Whatever you do, don't lose your cool. I lost my cool once, and it killed my career." - LL J

* * * * *

All these different shops are getting ridiculous, Toys R Us, Carpets R Us, Babies R Us. There's one near me that sells right angled triangles.

Pythag R Us

Meanwhile, in...

2012-01-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

(via)

Do you get it?

2012-01-19T04:18:00.000-08:00

(The answers are in the names of the pictures)

A World Without Wikipedia

2012-01-18T17:06:00.000-08:00

Created by: Online University

Click HERE to say NO to SOPA and PIPA

Oh, and by the way...

Say... now that you mention it...

2012-01-18T15:15:00.000-08:00

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Sage Career Advice

2012-01-18T12:02:00.000-08:00

In answer to a question posted on Reddit which asked, in part,

I've just been working an 8-5 job to fill my time and was planning to go back to school in the fall. I did one year at BYU and have no desire to go back. Was planning on attending U of U for their engineering program, but it's far more expensive than BYU and my parents had only saved enough for 4-5 years at BYU. Two semesters at the U will effectively wipe out that savings account.

I'm a total life scrub because I was so babied by my fairly wealthy parents. If anyone could give me tips on getting scholarships or anything of the sort, or dealing with the guilt trips/ shit storms my mother sends my way I'd be most appreciative.

Yes. Get in a year at a smaller school paying on your own, so if you f**k up it isn't as bad of a f**k up. Then transfer.

Fill out your FAFSA paperwork: http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/

Apply to get in to U of U now, regardless. Don't think about the money. You'll pay back the money when you have a degree.

Get a job so that you don't have to get loans for living expenses. Any job that leaves you time to find a better job will do.

College isn't that expensive, and engineering will pay for itself.

The real trick is learning to push yourself. My guess is you could slide by in school, and your parents didn't push you, so now is when you've got to push yourself.

First, take out a piece of paper. No seriously stop reading and get a piece of paper. It's a f**king piece of paper, trust me on this get one out.

Got one, great. Split it in three. I don't care how.

Write "What I want to do" in one section.

Write "What I can do well" in another.

Write "What I enjoy doing" in a third.

Got that?

What I want to do Leave this alone for now

What I can do well these are things you did well in school, at church, at home. I don't care if it is "Beat level 32 on Mario Bros", write down whatever you can do well. Keep going. Once you think you are done, think of five more things.

What I enjoy doing again, I don't care if it is "Masturbate in the corner while quietly weeping" write what you love to do down. After you've written everything down, write fiver more things. Remember we're learning how to push ourselves here.

ok, now go through and circle, match up, draw a line between (or whatever) things that you do well, that match with things that enjoy doing. If you have nothing, you didn't really try. Start over with a new piece of paper (i.e. If I enjoy watching porn, and I'm good at masturbating, that's something I'd tie together... so you should have SOMETHING that matches)

Ok, now start looking for jobs where what you ENJOY doing matches something you are GOOD at. Not jobs you could get right now... no you're making a list of DREAM jobs.

Got that. Things that would be awesome.

Put the list of potential jobs under What I want to do

Now prioritize them: 1. Hugh Heffner 2. IBM Engineer 3. Playboy bunny (Sex change required) 4. Muppeteer etc.

I don't care how outlandish they are, just do it.

Then research how someone actually got to do that kind of job. What college classes did they take? What did they do as hobbies?

If what they did makes you feel alive inside, like really an energy, start planning your path. You'll know not just "I'll take engineering courses" but you'll take Bridge building 302, and know what you want out of the course. Everything they say will have 1000 times more meaning.

If it doesn't make you feel alive inside, then pick the next priority and read about someone who did that. Eventually you'll find courses and small jobs that lead you to your chosen career, and you'll enjoy not only that end dream job, but the journey that go you there.

What's more, people will see you as "Driven". It'll make you more attractive to women, and your parents won't be able to nag that tithing or other church things are making you miserable.

This is the great secret they suppress in school. This is what is taught in thousand dollar job seminars. And you just got it for free.

Mail me the $500 check for my consulting services when you become the next Hugh Hefner.

Cheers!

(via)

Wait.... what???

2012-01-18T08:32:00.000-08:00

Okay. I'm officially freaked out.

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Want a new T-Shirt?

2012-01-18T06:22:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't?

My buddy Amy over at amyoops.com is having a contest - might want to check it out! Click here to go to her site and enter to win.

(bonus points if you can identify the last two...)

But hurry - the contest ends Friday...

And you guys thought the House of Chaos was all fun and games.

True dat...

2012-01-18T05:17:00.000-08:00

Every ... freakin' ... game

Life...

2012-01-17T15:34:00.000-08:00

Life in Math:

Music IS Life:

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Paraprosdokians

2012-01-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

A paraprosdokian is a phrase or sentence that leads us down the garden path to an unexpected ending.

For example, "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian --

Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with "Good Evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

(Thanks, Billy!)

Then QUIT ASKING ME!

2012-01-17T09:02:00.000-08:00

No, no you don't.

(via)

Back from China...

2012-01-17T03:43:00.000-08:00

Quick trip - in and out in five days... and it was a L O N G five days, too. They block both Facebook AND Skip's House of Chaos there... dunno why (maybe because I'm so subversive).

I taught a seminar over the weekend... that was a lot of fun. The people were all very nice, even though about half of them spoke little or no English at all.

Jason was my translator. Suffice it to say that his English is better than my Mandarin...

This is the view from the office where I was doing the seminar. I'm not sure WHAT that nasty-ass area at the top center is... it looks pretty gnarly... but I didn't want to embarrass my hosts by asking.

But DAMN...

The food was ... interesting. This is a picture of one of the featured dishes at the restaurant in the hotel. I have NO idea what this was. It sort of looks like tubes of beef with warts... They had absolutely no Western dishes... all Chinese, and this was probably the most appetizing one of the bunch.

Luckily, I found a haute cuisine establishment not too far away...

One of the cool things that happened was that, on my flight back yesterday morning, Shaquille O'Neal was sitting right behind me. I didn't want to be a dork and snap a pic on the plane, so I waited until we were in the US Customs line at LAX.

Then I got busted by some little Chinese guy who told me I can't take pictures in that area.

Oops. Sorry.

Just watch it.

2012-01-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

(Thanks, Gary. You old coot.)

What to do with all those crappy presents you got for Christmas

2012-01-16T12:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it's been three weeks and a day since Christmas. Hopefully, little ducks, Santa brought you all the toys and stuff you so desperately wanted and/or needed.

However, he reality is somewhat different, and we all get gifts that seem to have the sole purpose of being YOUR gift to some other poor schmuck when the next holiday rolls around.

So, without further ado, here are

The Top 13 Brilliantly Repurposed Gift Ideas

13. Fruitcake = blunt murder instrument

12. Bottle of cheap champagne = one-shot protection against a home invader

11. Handkerchiefs = spare phosphorus filters for the meth lab

10. Adam Sandler photo-a-day calendar = inspirational toilet paper

9. Justin Bieber doll = stress-relieving toilet scrubber

8. Four neckties = bedroom bondage restraint system

7. Inexpensive, low-powered tablet computer = shiny carving board

6. Ikea bookcase = firewood

5. Dyson vacuum with wand attachment = do-it-yourself at-home liposuction kit

4. Super Soaker water rifle = super awesome ketchup dispenser!

3. Coffee mug = "I just don't give a s**t anymore" note

2. "Hello Kitty!" lace-lined novelty sock = "Hello Wiener!" tweetably SFW novelty sock puppet

and the Number 1 Brilliantly Repurposed Gift Idea...

1. Bowling ball = Kardashian sound/picture remote muting device

(Thanks, Chris!)

I'm coming back from the future today...

2012-01-16T09:05:00.000-08:00

If everything works out okay, I'm going to be traveling back from the future today.

I've spent the last five days in China, and my flight leaves at 12:50 this afternoon. However, I arrive back in LA (after a 90-minute layover in San Francisco) at 11:50 this morning.

Unfortunately, the Department of Temporal Investigations has made it abundantly clear that I can't share anything that happens in the future, lest I cause a time anomaly. Sorry.

Happy Monday, Little Ducks!

2012-01-16T05:50:00.000-08:00

Wouldn't Life Be Perfect If...

2012-01-15T15:36:00.000-08:00

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Answers to Cheesy Pickup Lines

2012-01-15T11:39:00.000-08:00

Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "That's entirely possible. I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."

Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)

Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

Man: "What sign were you born under?"

Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."

Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."

Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."

Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"

Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"

Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."

Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

(via)

Finding Her

2012-01-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

Disappearing Trick

2012-01-15T04:45:00.000-08:00

Scootch in close to your monitor and stare at this image for a few seconds...

Whoa...

Wait for it...

2012-01-14T15:13:00.000-08:00

(via)

Weekend Groaners

2012-01-14T11:54:00.000-08:00

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A pi-i-ig!

(It's funnier if you say it out loud)

* * * *

As the dog stood watching the orchestra, he stared at the conductor and thought,

“Just throw the damn thing.”

* * * *

My son asked me where the most dangerous place on earth is.

I'm stuck between Iraq/Kandahar place.

* * * *

At the start of the exam, the professor says, "You have exactly two hours. I will not accept any papers after that time has elapsed."

Two hours later, he calls out, "Time's up, ladies and gentlemen."

One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the professor has all the collected papers in a large stack front of him. Slowly, the student finishes up and walks over to hand in his paper, but the professor refuses to accept it. The student puffs up his chest and says:

"Do you have any idea who I am?"

"No," says the professor.

"Great," says the student as he slips his paper into the middle of the stack.

* * * *

Granny knot, surgeon's knot, hangman's knot, square knot.

I can't tie any of them, but my headphones sure can.

* * * *

I went on a date last night.

I said, "So, are you a vampire?"

"No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face.

I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"

* * * *

My son said to me, “Dad ... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, cool," I replied.

"Your luggage is outside," he added.

U.S. Routes as a Subway Map

2012-01-14T09:01:00.000-08:00

The supersized version can be found here

Faceless #4

2012-01-14T05:41:00.000-08:00

A Life Led

2012-01-13T15:01:00.000-08:00

(via)

Where "Little Ducks" comes from...

2012-01-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

I've been asked (on a number of occasions) why I use the term, "Little Ducks" here at the House of Chaos, and at times when addressing my classes.

Here goes: It comes from the 1995 movie "Crimson Time," starring Gene Hackman and Denzel Washington (and co-starring a then-unknown Viggo Mortenson, James Gandolfini, and Rocky Carroll).

The film begins with an ominous statement of fact:

Hackman plays Captain Frank Ramsey, a hard-nosed, old-school skipper of the USS Alabama. a nuclear missile submarine and Washington is his new, Harvard-educated Executive Officer.

A critical situation is developing in Russia, and Ramsey musters his crew (with the assistance of "Mr. COB" - the Chief of the Boat) to inform them of their mission:

Cob: Crew present and accounted for, Sir!

Ramsey: Little ducks, there's trouble in Russia. So they called us. And we're going over there and bringing the most lethal killing machine ever devised. We're capable of launching more firepower than has ever been released in the history of war. For one purpose alone: Keep our country safe.

We constitute the front line and the last line of defense. I expect and demand your very best. Anything less - you should've joined the Air Force. This might be our Commander-in-Chief's Navy, but this is my boat. And all I ask is that you keep up with me. And if you can't, that strange sensation you'll be feeling in the seat of your pants will be my boot in your ass.

Ramsey: Mr. Cob?

Cob: Yes, Sir!

Ramsey: You're aware of the name of this ship, aren't you, Mr. Cob?

Cob: Very aware, Sir!

Ramsey: It bears a proud name doesn't it, Mr. Cob.

Cob: Very proud, Sir!

Ramsey: It represents fine people.

Cob: Very fine people, Sir!

Ramsey: Who live in a fine, outstanding State.

Cob: Outstanding, Sir!

Ramsey: In the greatest country in the entire world.

Cob: In the entire world, Sir!

Ramsey: And what is that name, Mr. Cob?

Cob: Alabama, Sir!

Ramsey: And what do we say?!

Ramsey & Cob: Go 'Bama'!

All: Roll Tide!

Ramsey: Chief of the boat, dismiss the crew.

Cob: Dismiss the crew! Aye, aye, Sir! Crew, department heads, attend to your department. Fall out!!

Faceless #3

2012-01-13T08:40:00.000-08:00

Once it Has Been Seen, It Can Never Be Unseen

2012-01-13T05:03:00.000-08:00

Yoda's Gas Problem

2012-01-12T15:22:00.000-08:00

"When 900 years old you reach, smell so good you will not."

A good fart video reminds us that deep down inside, we're all 12 years old.

(Thanks, Miss C)

A bar joke (from my favorite right-wing love muffin)

2012-01-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana and discovers there's a robot bartender serving drinks.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "A glass of Cabernet Sauvignon, please."

The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious. So he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "A beer."

Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints and the LSU

Tigers.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he’ll try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar.

The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people still gonna vote Republican and root for the Cowboys this year???"

(Billy, there's hope for you yet!)

Faceless #2

2012-01-12T09:39:00.000-08:00

Childhood

2012-01-12T03:42:00.000-08:00

(via)

Faceless #1

2012-01-11T15:00:00.000-08:00

The Names of Different Groups of Animals

2012-01-11T12:02:00.000-08:00

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

For example, we are all pretty much familiar with

a Herd of cows,

a Flock of birds,

a School of fish,

a Gaggle of geese,

and a Pride of lions.

However, less widely known are:

A Murder of Crows

(along with their cousins, the rooks and the ravens)

an Exaltation of doves,

And, presumably because they look so wise,

a Parliament of owls

Now consider a group of Baboons.

They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what, do you suppose, is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not - a Congress!

A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!

I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!

(Thanks, Billy!)

The Incredible Berezka Dance Troupe of Russia

2012-01-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

These amazing dancers walk so quickly with no sound or dress movement, it appears as if they are floating around the stage.

The group become a symbol of Russia. Each concert starts with a circle dance in which the dancers seem to be standing still while the stage under their steps seems to be moving.

Upon joining the ensemble, dancers are told to keep the famous ‘floating step’ technique a secret.

And, lest you think they are using some sort of motorized contraptions, the ensemble was originally formed in 1948 by choreographer Nadezhda Nadezhdina who once explained that the core of any dance is the poetic image of a young maiden. In her words, “The mystery lies not in the step but in the emotional state!”

The word “Berezka” is Russian for “Birch Tree.”

(via)

In the "I-Know-Funny-and-THIS-is Funny" department...

2012-01-11T05:11:00.000-08:00

(Thanks Jack, Will, and Hisham!)

2012's First Edition of "When It's Perfectly Acceptable to Drop an F-Bomb"

2012-01-10T15:28:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all the e-mails...

2012-01-10T11:59:00.000-08:00

As we come to the end of another year - I want to thank everyone for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I have faithfully read the stories, e-mails, and seen your videos of how our country is slipping so much closer to inevitable socialist takeover run by illegal aliens fueled by our free press media with more money than the Vatican.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive that $15,000 Bill

Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me free computers (and money!) for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and multiple saints/novenas have granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. And teeth.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $2 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over..

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

(Don't bother taking it off now, it’s too late.)

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that poop particles splash over 6 feet when the toilet is flushed.

... and with all that said, Happy New Year.

(Thanks, Billy!)

An amazing encounter with wild mountain gorillas

2012-01-10T08:47:00.000-08:00

The action starts at 1:03

Absolutely incredible!

(Thanks, Kevin!)

Coachella, 2012

2012-01-10T05:13:00.000-08:00

Eldest Unmarried Son William just sent me the lineup of this year’s Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. (The bigger size can be seen here.)

It's going to be held over TWO weekends this year (for the first time ever, apparently).

Last year, the only artist I recognized from the list was Kanye West. I'm getting better... THIS year, I know a BUNCH of 'em!

(If you consider Swedish House Mafia, Radiohead, Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre a "bunch")

Playing Video Games at Work

2012-01-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

(via)

The Endowment

2012-01-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

A rich man walks into the Dean's Office at a small college.

"I'd like to donate several million dollars to the institution."

"Why, that's very generous of you."

"But there is one condition: I'd like you to bestow an honorary degree."

"That's no problem; no problem at all."

"I haven't finished. I want an honorary degree for my horse."

"Your horse?"

"Yup, you bet. She carried me for many a year and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive her Tr.d. - Doctor of Transportation."

"I'm sorry, we can't give a degree to a horse. What will people think?"

"Well, I'll just take my endowment to another educational institution."

"Wait, wait! Let me consult with the school trustees."

The dean calls a hurried trustee meeting and relays the details of the deal. All of the board except the oldest member reacts with shock and dismay. The oldest trustee looks like he's sleeping through the meeting. After all the arguments, the old man says, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."

"What? Don't you think that would disgrace the college?"

"We give honorary degrees to lawyers, don't we?"

"Yes, but ..."

"We give honorary degrees to politicians, don't we?"

"Yes ..."

"So what's wrong with giving an honorary degree to the entire horse?"

(Thanks, Phillip!)

It All Makes Sense Now!

2012-01-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

Metaphors be with you.

(via)

Happy Monday, Little Ducks!

2012-01-09T03:54:00.000-08:00

A handy form to chart your caffeine consumption!

(the larger size here)

The Most Awkward Wheel of Fortune Moment, Ever

2012-01-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

(Thanks, John)

Patience

2012-01-08T12:01:00.000-08:00

Internet "Meme's" And How to Make Them

2012-01-08T08:55:00.000-08:00

(via)

Correspondence Corner...

2012-01-08T05:37:00.000-08:00

I don't usually re-post responses to stuff that appears on the House of Chaos, but the note I got from "Toronto Drinking and Driving Lawyer" to my post of November 22 entitled "Drinking and Driving" cannot go unanswered.

En garde!

TV Theme Song Medley

2012-01-07T14:57:00.000-08:00

How many can you name?

(via)

Horror Movie Tips

2012-01-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

1. When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

2. If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed satanic practices, move away immediately.

3. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

5. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language that they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easily, so be prepared.

6. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a portal to hell.

8. If you're searching for something that caused a noise and find that it was just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

9. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip and fall down at least twice, more so if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

10. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

11. Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there is so much we can learn from them."

12. Don't make fun of, or play with dead things.

13. When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

14. Never have sex in the bunk beds of recently renovated summer camps.

15. People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

16. On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.

17. Never EVER go in / out there (“there” being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods, or the lake).

18. If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, abandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many antibiotics you take, you will become one of them.

19. Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.

20. Never camp or build homes on an Indian burial ground.

21. Never pick up the phone and call for help. Chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.

22. Never be present immediately before, after, or during a successful demon / devil / monster summoning.

23. If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up to look behind you).

24. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

25. Don't fool with recombinant DNA unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

Just to Put Things Into Perspective

2012-01-07T09:03:00.000-08:00

My love life...

2012-01-07T05:20:00.000-08:00

...yet.

Uncle Buck and Burying the Hatchet

2012-01-06T15:00:00.000-08:00

I've always said that, if I ever had a daughter, I wouldn't let her start dating until after I was dead.

I am, however, an UNCLE to four nieces, and I've always wanted to pull the "Uncle Buck, Buring the Hatchet" routine with their boyfriends.

This is absolutely John Candy at his best!

Buck: I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?

Bug: It's an ax?

Buck: Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.

Bug: I'll pass.

Buck: Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when you’re going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home, then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you, Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

2012-01-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING

VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO

HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE

FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET

SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS:

SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A

FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE

PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.

REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR

ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM

ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO

SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE

A VERY LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.

THEN YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE:

WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T

MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.

IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER,

YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

Up, up, and AWAY-Y-Y-Y!!!

2012-01-06T08:47:00.000-08:00

Motivation

2012-01-06T04:07:00.000-08:00

(Thanks, Liz!)

Progress of New Year's Resolutiion #4

2012-01-05T15:01:00.000-08:00

Resolution #4:

To finally go on a diet and work out more

Here's how it's going so far...

One day, in a New York courtroom...

2012-01-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I’m aware of that, your honor. I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

(Thanks, Matt!)

During the previous year...

2012-01-05T09:02:00.000-08:00

(via)

In Memeoriam: Internet Memes Lost in 2011

2012-01-05T05:00:00.000-08:00

(via)