Sunday, July 31, 2016
The Paint Job
A spaced out guy decides to visit
his neighbor in the apartment below him and share a joint (or two). While high
as a kite, he asks his neighbor: “Dude! I love the paint job you did. I’m gonna
paint MY apartment, too! Since my apartment is identical in size to yours, how
much paint did you buy to paint this place?
The neighbor says, “Around 25
gallons.”
“Coooooool. I'm gonna go buy me
some PAINT!”
Two weeks later he revisits his
neighbor for another sesh, and asks his neighbor: “Hey, remember you told me
you bought 25 gallons of paint for your place? Well, I bought 25 gallons, then
painted my apartment, but was left with a shitload of paint! I painted the
house three times and still had 18 gallons left over!”
The neighbor, all spaced out
replies, Really? No shit, dude! That's the exact same amount I had left over,
too!”
Saturday, July 30, 2016
One day, in a German brothel...
Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey's. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Pounds?"
Friday, July 29, 2016
Random Status Updates
Here’s a thought – if
Steve Jobs had been reincarnated to a Chinese family, he’d now be old enough to
make iPhones again!
~~~~~
I’m not afraid of sweatshop workers, but they do make me
puma pants.
~~~~~
Sort of bummed. I’ve been trying for quite some time now to convince
Marlee Matlin of my undying love for her, but my pleadings fall on… well, you
know.
~~~~~
Hey kids, do you
remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and
no one noticed? That’s what adulthood is like.
~~~~~
I used to think “Queue” was just Q, followed by four silent
letters, but now I realize they’re just waiting their turn.
~~~~~
Way-y-y-y-y back when
I was married, I’d read somewhere that it’s considered good manners to drink
tea with your pinky sticking out. So naturally, I did that when the ladies from
the church came to visit us. My ex, however, was furious. Apparently, the
“pinky” is a finger.
~~~~~
How am I supposed to
make big decisions when I still have to sing the entire alphabet to get the
right letter?
~~~~~
Weed
causes short-term memory loss is caused by weed.
~~~~~
Say what you want about Kanye and Kim naming their daughter
North West, but there’s no denying that this child is going straight to the
top… and slightly to the left.
~~~~~
How come they don’t sell advertising on the Hulk?
After all, he’s basically a giant Banner.
Thursday, July 28, 2016
101 Easy Ways To Say "No" (and a bonus 25)
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
