(originally published on January 2, 2013)
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Quotes from Steven Wright, Part 1
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Historical Images, Part 3
Samuel Reshevsky, Age 8, Defeating Several Chess Masters At Once In France, 1920
German Soldier Passing A Flower Through The Berlin Wall Before It Was Torn Down, 1989
The First World Series Game In New York, 1912
The Last Picture That Was Taken Of The Titanic Before It Sank
The Statue of Liberty surrounded by scaffolding as workers complete the final stages in Paris, c. 1885
Evacuating Saigon, April 30,1975. An American evacuee punches away a South Vietnamese man for a place on the last chopper out
Fritz, a television celebrity bulldog, is shaved by a Californian barber. April, 1961
The 2800 Year Old Kiss
(more here)
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
That's a lot of water...
~~~~~
UPDATE: It's up to 21 trillion gallons.
We've come a long way, baby
1977: "In 40 years, we'll definitely have flying cars"
2017: "Okay, if I get up on this step stool, I'll definitely be closer to the sun"
Website Wednesday 17.35
Website
Wednesday
a subsidiary of Skip's House of Chaos
(The 234,453rd Most Interesting Man in the World)
"From the Large Intestine of the Internets,
through the Sphincter of Electronic Mail,
peeing like a baby on a changing table
into the brisk digital wind..."
a subsidiary of Skip's House of Chaos
(The 234,453rd Most Interesting Man in the World)
"From the Large Intestine of the Internets,
through the Sphincter of Electronic Mail,
peeing like a baby on a changing table
into the brisk digital wind..."
I can’t decide if I need a huge
cup of coffee,
a hug, eight
shots of
scotch, a few
hundred
chicken nuggets, or a month of
sleep.
Top of the heap: Missed the Solar Eclipse? Here Are The Next 10
Related: How To Repurpose Your Solar Eclipse Glasses
Related: The International Space Station just pulled off the photobomb of a lifetime
Why Obamacare Didn't Implode
Apparently, the Girl Scouts of America are mad at the Boy Scouts of America
What dinner time looks like across the USA
How Tough is Your Diet?
The 100 Greatest Comedies of All Time (according to the BBC, anyway)
One Order to Bind Them: The Best Way to Read Tolkien's Hobbit and Lord of the Rings Books
How America forgot the true history of the Civil War
How to Adult
Do You Hate the Same Food Your State Hates?
31 Slightly Terrible Things That Make Every Girl Cringe
Here's a major time suck: Listen to Old-Time Radio Shows Online
Creative and Clever Tip Jars
A YUGE list of Things We Have Learned From Watching Movies
Love you, mean it. Let's do lunch. Have your people call my people. Ciao, bella.
- Skip ಠ_ಠ
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