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Saturday, February 29, 2020
Leap Day Puns, Jokes, and One-Liners
Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3-year old crying?
They were having a mid-life crisis.
~~~~~
I sincerely hope that when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
~~~~~
EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING.
Me: Wow, that was an amazing dream!
Brain (10 seconds later): What dream?
~~~~~
Mark my words.
(Mark brings me my dictionary)
Thank you, Mark.
~~~~
If there’s one thing adulthood has taught me it’s that you don’t really need fun to have alcohol.
~~~~~
Since it’s impossible for me to know which part of my life is the middle, I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis
~~~~~
If the NSA needs to listen to all our communications in order to locate the people actually *making* the fruitcakes, I’m okay with that.
~~~~~
Sir Mix-A-Lot likes big butts and cannot lie.
His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth.
You may ask one question.
~~~~~
I saw a bird eating a piece of avocado toast
I’m thinkin’ it was a millennial falcon.
~~~~~
When I die, I want all my friends to come to my funeral and give wildly conflicting accounts of my life.
They were having a mid-life crisis.
~~~~~
I sincerely hope that when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
~~~~~
EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING.
Me: Wow, that was an amazing dream!
Brain (10 seconds later): What dream?
~~~~~
Mark my words.
(Mark brings me my dictionary)
Thank you, Mark.
~~~~
If there’s one thing adulthood has taught me it’s that you don’t really need fun to have alcohol.
~~~~~
Since it’s impossible for me to know which part of my life is the middle, I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis
~~~~~
If the NSA needs to listen to all our communications in order to locate the people actually *making* the fruitcakes, I’m okay with that.
~~~~~
Sir Mix-A-Lot likes big butts and cannot lie.
His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth.
You may ask one question.
~~~~~
I saw a bird eating a piece of avocado toast
I’m thinkin’ it was a millennial falcon.
~~~~~
When I die, I want all my friends to come to my funeral and give wildly conflicting accounts of my life.
Friday, February 28, 2020
Thursday, February 27, 2020
Forget bandaids or "Tis but a scratch" stickers...
THIS is what you use when
you have a dent in your car
