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THROWBACK THURSDAY - "Actual Bumper Stickers"
(Originally posted on August 12, 2004)
Actual Bumper Stickers
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE.
TIME IS WHAT KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE
I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN.
WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN LACK AMBITION.
YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT
IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY MADE WITH MEAT?
FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT.
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS.
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM.
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE. PITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE.
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE.
WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF "SMART."
MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT.
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
LOTTERY: A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AT MATH.
VERY FUNNY SCOTTY. NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES.
PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY.
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS.
WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
3 KINDS OF PEOPLE: THOSE WHO CAN COUNT AND THOSE WHO CAN'T.
WHY IS "ABBREVIATION" SUCH A LONG WORD?
EVER STOP TO THINK, AND FORGET TO START AGAIN?
DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN FIND A ROCK.
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC PARTICLES.
"AUNTIE EM: HATE YOU, HATE KANSAS, TAKING THE DOG." -DOROTHY
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF.
ESCHEW OBFUSCATION.
BUMPER STICKER IN THE YEAR 2100: “DISCO STILL SUCKS”
EAT WELL, STAY FIT, DIE ANYWAY.
MY CHILD CAN BEAT UP YOUR HONOR STUDENT.
CATS FLATTENED WHILE YOU WATCH.
STAMP OUT CRIME - ABOLISH THE IRS
DARE TO KEEP THE CIA OFF DRUGS.
QUIT SNIVELING.
STUPID PEOPLE SHOULDN'T BREED.
EAT AMERICAN LAMB. TEN MILLION COYOTES CAN'T BE WRONG.
I'M FROM THE GOVERNMENT. I'M HERE TO HELP YOU.
MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING, BUT IT SURE KEEPS THE KIDS IN TOUCH.
ILLITERATE? CALL THIS NUMBER FOR HELP...
WELCOME TO COLORADO - NOW GO HOME
SCIXELSYD ETINU. [READ BACKWARDS]
IF YOU CAN READ THIS BUMPER STICKER, YOU'RE IN RANGE
THIS VEHICLE SWERVES AND HITS PEDESTRIANS AT RANDOM
BLACK HOLES SUCK.
I.R.S.: WE'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO TAKE WHAT YOU'VE GOT!
FRIENDS HELP YOU MOVE. REAL FRIENDS HELP YOU MOVE BODIES.
I'M AS CONFUSED AS A BABY IN A TOPLESS BAR.
WE ARE BORN NAKED, WET AND HUNGRY. THEN THINGS GET WORSE.
SUICIDAL TWIN KILLS SISTER BY MISTAKE!
MAKE IT IDIOT PROOF AND SOMEONE WILL MAKE A BETTER IDIOT.
I'M NOT A COMPLETE IDIOT, SOME PARTS ARE MISSING!
ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU'RE UNIQUE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
"MORE HAY, TRIGGER?" "NO THANKS, ROY, I'M STUFFED!"
A FLASHLIGHT IS A CASE FOR HOLDING DEAD BATTERIES.
LOTTERY: A TAX ON PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD AT MATH.
ERROR, NO KEYBOARD - PRESS F1 TO CONTINUE.
THERE'S TOO MUCH BLOOD IN MY CAFFEINE SYSTEM.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE USUALLY BEATS REAL STUPIDITY.
I WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD WITH A NECROPHILIAC.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES - USE BIRTH CONTROL!
HARD WORK HAS A FUTURE PAYOFF. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
I WON'T RISE TO THE OCCASION, BUT I'LL SLIDE OVER TO IT.
EVER NOTICE HOW FAST WINDOWS RUNS? NEITHER DID I.
DOUBLE YOUR DRIVE SPACE - DELETE WINDOWS!
WHAT IS A "FREE" GIFT ? AREN'T ALL GIFTS FREE?
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS.
OOPS. MY BRAIN JUST HIT A BAD SECTOR.
I USED TO HAVE A HANDLE ON LIFE, THEN IT BROKE.
DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY, YOU WON'T GET OUT ALIVE.
BETTER TO UNDERSTAND A LITTLE THAN TO MISUNDERSTAND A LOT.
WHEN THERE'S A WILL, I WANT TO BE IN IT.
OKAY, WHO PUT A "STOP PAYMENT" ON MY REALITY CHECK?
ALL GENERALIZATIONS ARE FALSE, INCLUDING THIS ONE.
CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM A VENDING MACHINE.
"CRIMINAL LAWYER" IS A REDUNDANCY.
THROWBACK THURSDAY - "Musical Categories"
(Originally published on October 5, 2001)
Musical Categories
JAZZ: Five men on the same stage all playing different tunes.
BLUES: Played exclusively by people who woke up this morning.
WORLD MUSIC: A dozen different types of percussion all going at once.
OPERA: People singing when they should be talking.
RAP: People talking when they should be singing.
CLASSICAL: Discover the other 45 minutes they left out of the TV ad.
FOLK: Endless songs about shipwrecks in the 19th century.
BIG BAND: 20 men who take it in turns to stand up plus a drummer.
HEAVY METAL: Codpiece and chaps
HOUSE MUSIC: OK, as long as it's not the house next door.
