Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill 
to have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill 
and now they have a son.

Simple Simon met a Pie Man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie Man, "What have you got there?"
Said the Pie Man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb ass!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses and all the Kings' men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.

Hey Diddle, Diddle the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Once kissed the girls and made them cry.
But now that Georgie can't stand noise
Georgie Porgy's kissing boys.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad.........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children, she qualified for public assistance and food stamps.

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over a candlestick.
Goodness, gracious, Great Balls of Fire.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
And one stupid goddamn eggplant.

Hickory dickory doc,
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck One,
The other two escaped with minor injuries.


(Most of 'em via the lovely and talented AmyOops)