Random Status Updates 16.1

Note to self: "Spit-roasting" apparently has nothing to do with saliva.  At least, that was the consensus among the guests at my barbecue.

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Okay, @realDonaldTrump – if you’re so good at negotiating, how come you couldn’t get @DonaldTrump?

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Here's something interesting: If you look into your bathroom mirror and say "Donald Trump" three times, the hair in the sink will rise up and start shouting racial slurs.

(NOTE TO SELF: This only works in bathrooms where people actually have hair)

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Since every football player in Atlanta was born after 1980, they should change the team name to the Millennial Falcons

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Okay, so in hindsight, holding a ticker-tape parade to honor our city's street cleaning crews was probably a bad idea.

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I’m such a gentleman that whenever I see an attractive female wearing a bikini, I only look at the covered parts.

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I honestly thought that, if I ever got to be this old, that I'd be acting a lot more mature than I do.

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Someone told me that flowers actually had sex organs.

                

What a load of poppycock.

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It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say?
I’m a whisk taker.

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I got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing “Footloose” six times in a row.

They told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

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I’ll show myself out.