How do you start a racist joke?
With a small million-dollar loan from his father
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What do you get if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?
Killed in a Parisian tunnel.
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Going on a cruise is sort of like living inside a Golden Corral for a week, and finding yourself in places mysterious and unknown every time you manage to waddle outside.
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I was a bed wetter when I was a little kid, but I did it on purpose. I figured that even a monster wouldn't want to live under a mattress that smells like pee.
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Being in Dubai is that feeling when you open an oven to check on your cookies and it burns your face except there’s no cookies and you can’t escape
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Having someone garnish your wages sounds like a really good thing unless you know what that really means.
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We’ve reached to point where we can stop saying something is the best thing since sliced bread, and start saying that it’s the best thing since yoga pants.
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If someone is a Scientologist, a vegan, and does CrossFit, which one do they tell you about first?
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Fun prank: Reply to late night Snapchat selfies with “what the f*** is behind you?!”, knowing the sender has no way to review the photo and probably won’t sleep that night.
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I don’t know about you guys, but I always tip the delivery guy an extra five bucks if he doesn’t look around for the other six people he thought the pizza would feed.
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