Random Status Updates

Generally speaking, with plants:

If you eat it something good happens, it’s medicine.

If you eat it something bad happens, it’s poison.

If you eat it nothing happens, it’s salad.

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I’ve never been quite comfortable with the fact that lionesses raise the young and do all the hunting, while the lions lie around in the shade all day. I mean, shouldn’t the lionesses also be *fanning* the lions?

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Now that I know the truth, the truth has made me free.

However, to be perfectly honest, before knowing the truth it wasn't like I was all that expensive.

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The mere fact that sloths aren’t extinct is scientific proof that if you go at your own pace and mind your own damn business, you too can succeed.

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I might be wrong, but I’m guessing that the guy who first said, “Two heads are better than one” never worked as a fetal ultrasound technician.  (6/1/16)

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“Excuse me, I think you dropped something.”

“What?”

“Your standards. Hi, I’m Skip…”

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I accidentally used AOL to search for something today. I can’t help but think that everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful for the future.

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Looking in the mirror and thinking, “Damn, that lucky bastard in there gets to look at ME every day.”

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I’m starting to think that dragons have the right idea. Hang out in a cave with all your favorite stuff, and if anybody tries to bug you, you just blow fire at them and go back to sleep.

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Is there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat?