S'more Random Status Updates

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. Unlike Groucho Marx, though, I know *exactly* what he was doing in my pajamas. However, under the terms of the plea bargain, the circus doesn’t want me talking about it. 

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I’m thinking that a more accurate Gatorade commercial would be some random guy in bed nursing a MASSIVE hangover and trying to drink it without having to sit up all the way.

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As we gradually come to the end of President Obama’s final term, I often find myself wondering: Did he ever secretly reenact the scene from The Incredibles where Frozone was trying to find his Super Suit?

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Note to self: The best part of waking up is Folger’s in your COFFEE cup.

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Here’s an idea: an audiobook that’s eight solid hours of breathing and page-turning, with a surprised, “Oh, you meant out LOUD?” right at the end.

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To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can’t run.

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It’s said that you can’t tame a wild rose. And even if you could, probably the only trick you could teach it would be “stay.”

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I wonder if Abe Vigoda ever fully appreciated the fact that McDonald’s named a sandwich after him

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I have a Polish friend who’s a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too.

A Czech one too.

A Czech one too.

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I’m desperately trying to figure out why Jedis just don’t use The Force to push the button and turn off their opponents’ lightsabers.