Probably the last dregs of "Random Status Updates" for the rest of the year. As far as you know.

When I die, I would like written on my tombstone, “He was a wanderer and a thinker who acquired knowledge as vast as the worlds he traveled” – instead of the more probable “We told him it wouldn’t work.”

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Never celebrity namedrop. 

You know who told me that? Bobby DiNiro.

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“Take only pictures, leave only footprints” is a good rule by which to live. Sadly, the security guard at the art gallery wasn’t buying it.

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If I were a psychic, I’d go up to random people and boast about my 100% accuracy rate. I’d close with the line, “For instance I see that YOU would never pay me S50 to give you a reading.” So either I’m still batting 1,000, or hey, 50 bucks.

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I’m a 65 year-old man. I have a successful, professional career. I even have adult children of my own. But every time I walk down a hallway or stairwell my hand becomes an airplane navigating a difficult course.

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I’m in no way advocating actually DOING this, however if you step on someone’s foot, they open their mouth, just like a trash can.

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I’d like to think that having a lot of money wouldn’t change me; but on the RARE occasion I’m actually winning at Monopoly, I turn into an absolutely terrible person.

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Me: (at the Gates of Hell) “Yes, hi. I was told there was a special place for me here…?”

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I used to think that the brain was the most important part of the body. Then I thought, well, yeah. Look who’s telling me that.

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So, we've got a real-life crazy billionaire running for President and clowns terrorizing the streets.

Batman, we need you!