Random Status Updates

You ever have the feeling that the “check engine” light is on in your life but you just keep hoping it’ll go away on its own?

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Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Sunflowers are yellow,

I know you were expecting something sweet and romantic, but these are just some gardening facts.

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“DO WHAT YOU LOVE AND MONEY WILL FOLLOW”

So I ate a pizza, drank about a gallon of Crystal Light Raspberry Ice, took a five-hour nap, and binge-watched the entire last season of “The Walking Dead” in my underwear.

Now I wait

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The most alarming thing about this clown crisis is that there could literally be hundreds of them in a single car.

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I’ve been hearing how the “heroin problem” is making a comeback. Really??? C’mon guys, it’s the 21^st Century. No one in this day and age should have a “problem” with women saving people, amirite?

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BRITAIN: Brexit was the stupidest, most self-destructive act a country could undertake

USA: Hold my drink.

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So it’s called a food “pyramid,” right? Not a food “triangle,” which would indicate that there are at least another two sides. Which means there IS room for all this pasta!

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People need to understand the difference between want and need. For example, I WANT a hot body but I NEED chicken nuggets.

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Happy Thanksgiving, dudes and dudettes. Enjoy your Turkey Day, and remember, nothin’ says lovin’ like somethin’ from the oven. Unless it’s a red spandex bodysuit with ostrich feathers, a can of Crisco and some fur-lined handcuffs.

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When I was a kid, I used to try a lot of sports, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I grew up and realized you can actually *buy* trophies. Now I’m good at *everything*.