Resolutions for 2017

Happy New Year, Troops! It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood (well, at least here in Southern California), the birds are singing, traffic is honking and the soothing sounds of police helicopters fills the air.

It's that time of year again. Time for a recommittment to a better life, a better existence, in short - MY 2017 NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS:


* I resolve to be less sarcastic and cynical in 2017 — like THAT will do any good.

* I resolve to stop writing negative things about Donald Trump. This resolution is conditional on Donald Trump not doing or saying anything stupid in the new year.

* I resolve not to look at my iPhone during mealtime, unless it’s really necessary and in no event more than four times a meal, mostly when nobody is looking, unless it’s unavoidable.

* I resolve to finally go on a diet. Or, alternatively, hire advance crews to Vaseline doorways in my path.

* I resolve to abandon my lifelong dream of a date with Scarlett Johannsen (she wants me. I can tell by the way she completely ignores my texts and emails), and settle for one with Jennifer Lawrence instead.

* I resolve to invent a Segway with a third wheel.

* I resolve to save money on medical expenses. Schedule my next physical at pediatrician's office and order off the kiddie menu. (Note to self: Don’t forget to ask about the Little Slugger Prostate Exam.)

* Embracing the hopeful tradition of Our First Woman President in the History of America, I resolve to organize a National Bitch-Slap Sean Hannity Day.

I resolve to eat naturally. Learn to coax out Twinkie filling by the Lamaze method.

I resolve to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Then give it an Elvis Presley songbook.

I resolve to find the girl I wanted to marry in kindergarten and tell her I’ve changed my mind.