Jokes, Puns, and One-Liners

I got pulled over by a female police officer.

When I asked what’s wrong, she said “NOTHING!!”

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I want the end credit scene for the next Marvel movie to be in a laboratory with Thor’s hammer ("Mjölnir", for the purists) sitting on a table. The door opens and it’s Stan Lee as a janitor who looks at the hammer for a second, picks it up, cleans under it, then sets it down and leaves.

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How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

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How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut?

Diagon Alley

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Why do ads say, "Get the credit you deserve"? I don't want the credit *I* deserve, I want the credit someone with *good credit* deserves!

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Personally, I think Nature should learn to be a little more tolerant of vacuums.

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I’m thinking that the only thing WORSE than finding our you were given up for adoption would be finding out that it was Rick Astley who gave you up.

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In Canada, you don’t say “I love you.” You say, “EH EH MAPLE LEAF QUEEN BACK BACON MOOSE ANTLER EH” which roughly translates into “I’ll give you my snow shovel.” I think that’s beautiful.

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I have this irrational fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.

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Technically, you can go the rest of your life without eating. Technically.