Saturday, April 8, 2017

Puns, Jokes, and One-Liners

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear when she asks, “Would you like anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”
The bear responds, “No, I’m stuffed.”


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I burned my Hawaiian pizza today.
Shoulda cooked it at aloha temperature.

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How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

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Johnny’s mother called his father at work.

“Johnny just swallowed a nickel and spit up two dimes, what do I do?”

“Keep feeding him nickels!”

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What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?
I’d tell you, but I don’t compare apples to oranges

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I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. I guess now I really am…
Independent

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Here’s something I bet you never noticed: when you say the word “poop,” your mouth does the same motion as your butthole.

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Rule #1 for learning English:
Their our know rules.

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I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it’s because she’s cute with big brown eyes. But it’s really because I really want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

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My girlfriend asked me the other day, “Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and He didn’t give men anything?”


I laughed and replied, “Don’t be silly! He gave us women!”

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