Friday, June 30, 2017
One day, at the theater...
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent. “Good news,” the director says, “I’ve got a job for you!”
"That's great" says the actor, what is it?"
"Well" says his agent "it's a one-liner"
"That's okay" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything; What's the line?"
"'Hark I hear the cannons roar'" says the agent.
"I love it," says the actor "When's the audition?"
"Wednesday" says the agent.
Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark I hear the cannons roar".
"Brilliant" says the director, "you've got the job, be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening".
The actor is so chuffed he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar, hark I hear the cannons roar".
He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. "Who the hell are you?" asks the bouncer.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'? You're late! Get up to makeup straight away.
So he runs up to make up. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'? You're late! Sit down here." and she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on."
So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager.
"I'm 'hark I hear the cannons roar'"
"You're 'hark I hear the cannons roar'? Hurry! Get on stage – the curtains about to go up!"
So he tears onto the stage.
The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts,
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"
Thursday, June 29, 2017
Okay, these gave me what Gay and Lucky call "chicken skin"
A couple of acts from America's Got Talent
Me gusto.
Pretty good, huh?
Check THIS out!
Me gusto.
Pretty good, huh?
Check THIS out!
Advice From an Old Man
Advice
From an Old Man
2. Look people in the eye.
3. Sing in the shower.
4. Own a great stereo/sound system.
5. If you HAVE to be in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
6. Keep secrets.
7. Never give up on anyone. Miracles happen.
8. Always accept an outstretched hand.
9. Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
10. Whistle.
11. Avoid sarcastic remarks. (Yeah, like THAT'S gonna happen.)
12. Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90% of all your happiness or misery.
13. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
14. Lend only those books you never care to see again.
15. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
16. When playing games with children, let them win.
17. Give people a second chance, but not a third.
18. Be romantic.
19. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
20. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.
21. Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments
22. Be a good loser.
23. Be a good winner.
24. Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
25. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
26. Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
27. Keep it simple.
28. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
29. Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
30. Live your life so that your epitaph could read, "No Regrets".
31. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.
32. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
33. Remember, no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.
34. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
35. Visit friends and relatives when they are in a hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.
36. Begin every day with some of your favorite music.
37. Every so often, take the scenic route.
38. Send a lot of Valentines cards. Sign them, "Someone who thinks you're terrific."
39. Answer your phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
40. Keep a notepad and pencil on your bedside table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.
41. Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial you think their job is.
42. Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
43. Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.
44. Become someone's hero.
45. Marry only for love.
46. Be grateful. Count your blessings.
47. Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
48. Wave at the children on a school bus.
49. Remember that 80% of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.
50. Don't expect life to be fair.
THROWBACK THURSDAY - "Genesis of the Dictionary, as explained by Edmund Blackadder"
(originally published on April 14, 2009)
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Website Wednesday 17.26
Website
Wednesday
a subsidiary of Skip's House of Chaos
(The 234,453rd Most Interesting Man in the World)
"From the Large Intestine of the Internets,
through the Sphincter of Electronic Mail,
peeing like a baby on a changing table
into the brisk digital wind..."
a subsidiary of Skip's House of Chaos
(The 234,453rd Most Interesting Man in the World)
"From the Large Intestine of the Internets,
through the Sphincter of Electronic Mail,
peeing like a baby on a changing table
into the brisk digital wind..."
Has anyone ever actually GOTTEN
salmonella
from eating
raw cookie dough or are people
just trying to
ruin my life?
Top of the heap: A list of 100 Incredibly Useful Websites (I'm sure mine, again, was #101)
To honor the 2017 Eclipse, the US Postal Service is issuing a commemorative Forever Stamp that changes when you touch it!
How to Get to Know Someone - 53 Great Questions to Ask
It's HOT out there! Here are 10 Scientifically Proven Hacks to Stay Cool
Related: The Science Behind Arizona's Record-Setting Heat Wave
How to delete a Facebook page you no longer want (SPOILER: there are a bunch of steps so you won't do it accidentally)
The 50 Best Drive-In Restaurants in the U.S.
The Man Who Stands In Line For a Living
I didn't think it possible, but here are 10 Magical Ways to Top Grilled Corn
Interview O&A that got people hired on the spot
How I'd Hack Your Weak Passwords
The Interactive Periodic Table of Tech (thanks, Drew!)
7 Everyday Experiences Other Countries Do Waaay Differently (and "other countries" include LA and Florida)
10 Services You Never Knew You Needed
95-Degree Days: How Extreme Heat Could Spread Across the World
John Oliver taunts coal industry titan to sue him. Guess what happens.
34 genius ways to deal with an a**hole neighbor
How cults brainwash their members (and ways to break out)
In this week's "No-Duh" department: Donald Trump claims his Presidency is making him rich(er)
23 Things ER Employees Want You to Know
Love you, mean it. Let's do lunch. Have your people call my people. Ciao, bella.
- Skip ಠ_ಠ
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