New Ski Warning Signs

Youngest Unmarried Son Jack sent me this...





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An Apropos Repost

Boudreaux and the Devil

Boudreaux died and was on his way down to Hell.

In anticipation, the Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux. When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey Boudreaux, how do you like the heat down here?"

Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon in July."

That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "NOW how do you like it down here?"

Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou Lafourche."

As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters. When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW, Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one happy Cajun!"

The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one happy Cajun?!!"

Boudreaux, still shivering says, "The Saints done won the Super Bowl!"

Wait for it... wait for it...

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Growacet

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My vote for the Best Superbowl Commercial this year...

First Runner Up:


Second Runner Up:



Honorable Mentions:

Punch Dub

Motorola

and, of course, the eTrade kids

Celebrity Doppleganger Week on Facebook

I don't know who decides what you're supposed to do on Facebook from week to week, but they've decided that it's Celebrity Doppelganger Week, and it seems like practically everyone is changing their profile pics to photos of celebrities that they sort of resemble. But what if you're already a celebrity? Don't worry: Holy Taco found some famous people who managed to find other celebrity doppelgangers of their own:





(as always, click to biggify)

What Crocs SHOULD look like...

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20 Badass Ways to Open a Beer Bottle

Writing Tips

Writing Tips

Like the virgin prairie for the explorer, metaphors are pregnant with possibility, but don't mix them.

It behooves the writer to avoid archaic expressions.

One should not shift from the third person to the second person when you write.

I once read that splitting modifiers was wrong in the library.

It is generally recommended that the use of the passive be minimized.

Write assertively, I think.

A sentence containing a parenthetical phrase (must be a complete sentence) without that phrase.

Avoid the use of vulgarisms that might piss off the reader.

Avoid rephrasing, which is, in other words, paraphrasing or rewording of a statement, sort of like repeating it.

I've told you a million times not to exaggerate.

Ambiguity is more or less undesirable.

Hyperbole is the worst mistake you can possibly make.

You will die horribly if you are overdramatic!

Boise, Idaho's 7327 English teachers agree that all statistics should be verified.

Don't verbify nouns.

I have traveled all over the world, known many important people, received many degrees, and have learned that it is in bad taste to use yourself as an expert example even though I am one.

djust the margins before print
opy of the completed docume

When choosing among two, make the best choice. Between three or more, pick the better one.

Avoid overuse of rhetorical questions. Know what I mean?

I could care less about expressions that mean the opposite of what they say.

Vary sentence length. Conformity is boring.

Be sure to use the correct word accept in certain cases.

Don't use no double negatives.

Avoid clichés like the plague.

Each pronoun should match their subject.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Try to not split infinitives.

Don't be repetitively redundant or repetitious.

Take that, Mickey!

(make your own sign here)

E*TRADE Baby Outtakes

"A little sneak peek at some of the stuff that won't be making the Big Game this year..."



(Thanks, Debb!)

Terrorist Threat Levels Around the World

For those of you traveling abroad you might want to consider the following:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards”. They don’t have any other levels and this is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British Army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Stiff Leg Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out preemptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!” Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper planes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath). New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “fuck”, I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”. Two more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is canceled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.



(Thanks, Imara!)

Honesty is Not Necessarily the Best Policy

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(Some) Best Bits from "The Big Bang Theory"

Every time I watch this show, I like it more.



Also, be the FIRST on your block to get one of THESE bad boys!(Pssst... you can get 'em here)

From this classic moment:

Mmmmmm, meat!

A vegetarian friend of mine told me that I’m not “evolved” because I eat meat. She said that people only starting eating cows thousands of years ago because they were savages – barbarians who didn’t know any better, and that people who eat cows now are not “evolved.”

What a total load of crap.

People ate cows thousands of years ago for the same reason we eat cows today.

Because they are easy to catch.

We’re not savages, we’re just lazy.

A cheetah could taste like chocolate heroin – we’ll never know.

Those bastards are fast.

13 Things Your Burglar Won’t Tell You

1. Of course I look familiar. I was here just last week cleaning your carpets, painting your shutters, or delivering your new refrigerator.

2. Hey, thanks for letting me use the bathroom when I was working in your yard last week. While I was in there, I unlatched the back window to make my return a little easier.

3. Love those flowers. That tells me you have taste… and taste means there are nice things inside. Those yard toys your kids leave out always make me wonder what type of gaming system they have.

4. Yes, I really do look for newspapers piled up on the driveway. And I might leave a pizza flyer in your front door to see how long it takes you to remove it.

5. If it snows while you’re out of town, get a neighbor to create car and foot tracks into the house. Virgin drifts in the driveway are a dead giveaway.

6. If decorative glass is part of your front entrance, don’t let your alarm company install the control pad where I can see if it’s set. That makes it too easy.

7. A good security company alarms the window over the sink. And the windows on the second floor, which often access the master bedroom-and your jewelry. It’s not a bad idea to put motion detectors up there too.

8. It’s raining, you’re fumbling with your umbrella, and you forget to lock your door-understandable. But understand this: I don’t take a day off because of bad weather.

9. I always knock first. If you answer, I’ll ask for directions somewhere or offer to clean your gutters. (Don’t take me up on it.)

10. Do you really think I won’t look in your sock drawer? I always check dresser drawers, the bedside table, and the medicine cabinet.

11. Helpful hint: I almost never go into kids’ rooms.

12. You’re right: I won’t have enough time to break into that safe where you keep your valuables. But if it’s not bolted down, I’ll take it with me.

13. A loud TV or radio can be a better deterrent than the best alarm system. If you’re reluctant to leave your TV on while you’re out of town, you can buy a $35 device that works on a timer and simulates the flickering glow of a real television. (Find it at faketv.com.)


8 MORE THINGS A BURGLAR WON’T TELL YOU:

1. Sometimes, I carry a clipboard. Sometimes, I dress like a lawn guy and carry a rake. I do my best to never, ever look like a crook.

2. The two things I hate most: loud dogs and nosy neighbors.

3. I’ll break a window to get in, even if it makes a little noise. If your neighbor hears one loud sound, he’ll stop what he’s doing and wait to hear it again. If he doesn’t hear it again, he’ll just go back to what he was doing. It’s human nature.

4. I’m not complaining, but why would you pay all that money for a fancy alarm system and leave your house without setting it?

5. I love looking in your windows. I’m looking for signs that you’re home, and for flat screen TVs or gaming systems I’d like. I’ll drive or walk through your neighborhood at night, before you close the blinds, just to pick my targets.

6. Avoid announcing your vacation on your Facebook page. It’s easier than you think to look up your address.

7. To you, leaving that window open just a crack during the day is a way to let in a little fresh air. To me, it’s an invitation.

8. If you don’t answer when I knock, I try the door. Occasionally, I hit the jackpot and walk right in.


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