The Adventures of Doctor Donna

(James)

Imagine...

(via)

Cop No-Nos

 TOP 16 THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN 

YOU GET PULLED OVER BY A COP

16.  "Oh yeah?  If you knew anything at all, you wouldn't BE just a traffic cop!"

15.  'No, YOU 'assume the position,' Piggy."

14.  "I'm surprised you stopped me!  Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!"

13.  "If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?"

12.  "No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am.  I swear to dog."

11.  "No, I don't know how fast I was going.  The little needle stops at 110."

10.  "Back off Barney, I've got a piece."

  9.  "Want to race to the station, Sparky?"

  8.  "I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!"

  7.  "On the way to the station, what's say we pick us up a six pack?"

  6.  "You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . you pussy!"

  5.  "Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!"

  4.  "Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?"

  3.  "How long is this going to take?  Your wife is expecting me."

  2.  "Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?"

and, the Number One Thing NOT To Say When You Get Pulled Over:

  1.  "What do you use those rubber gloves for?"

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER 

SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

   

And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me!  Good job!

   

That uniform makes your ass look really big.

   

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

   

Correct me if I’m wrong.  I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Cop.

   

You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

   

I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

"Bad Cop! No Donut!" 

   

You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?

   

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

   

Let’s do it different this time... I give YOU the breathalyzer test.  Now stick this in your mouth and blow.

   

Did you happen to attend the "Barney Fife" Police Academy?

   

Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "Cops?"

   

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder

   

I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket

   

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Listen bucko, I pay your salary!

   

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

   

Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.

   

So what IF I was speeding?  Whatcha gonna do about it, Mr. Hotshot?

   

Gee, Officer!  That's terrific.  The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

   

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

   

Do you know why you pulled me over?  Okay, just so one of us does.

   

I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there is no other car around,  that's how far they are ahead of me.

   

So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?

   

Sorry I can't hear you over the radio.  No I will not "turn it down," I love this song.  Either speak up or just leave me alone.

   

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You’re the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

   

Hey, man, you want a hit?

 

Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Why you hasslin' us, pig?

You're lucky you have that gun or I'd kick your ass

Honest Movie Trailers: Transformers

 (via)

The Real Reason Facebook Went Public

(via)

Forget "Battleship" - This'd be HUGE!!!

(via)

The Washington Post's yearly neologism contest winners

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by Proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra Credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

(Thanks, Susie!)

Optimism

Epic Animal Hospital

(via)

Google's Newest Easter Egg

Go to Google and type in 

zerg rush

Then wait five seconds. 
(It's a game.  See if you can figure it out.)

You're welcome.