The Racehorses

Jake and Lucky were Kentucky-bred thoroughbred racehorses.

While young they led the proverbial "good life" for horses. They were free to frisk about in their assigned pasture to their hearts content, with all the sweet, luscious Kentucky blue grass to eat that any horse might desire.

Early in their training, it became obvious that Lucky was the faster of the two horses on the track. Jake did his best but, except on those few days when Lucky was “off his feed,” he just couldn’t seem to come in with a faster time.

One day, when they were alone in the pasture, Lucky said to Jake, "Let's race around the field, Jake!"

Jake replied, "I don't want to race you, Lucky. You always win so why should I even try to race you?"

Lucky answered, "It's such a beautiful day and I feel so great, Jake, that I'll just take it easy so you can win. Please race with me."

Jake said, "O.K., Lucky, let's go!" He took off with a whinny with Lucky in hot pursuit as they raced around the edge of the pasture. He led most of the way but near the finish, Lucky, with a burst of speed, pulled into the lead as they crossed the line.

After regaining their breath, Jake said, "You said you would take it easy and let me win, Lucky. Why didn't you keep your word?"

Lucky said, "I'm sorry, Jake, but in the heat of our race, I simply forgot. I'll not do it again."

Later that year, when the two horses were entered in their first race, Lucky won easily and Jake came in as an "also ran."

Several weeks later, when they were again alone in their pasture, Lucky once again was feeling at his frisky best.

He said to Jake, "Let's race, Jake!"

Jake sulked off, head held low. Lucky stayed at his heels nibbling the sweet grass. With each succeeding bite of the savory grass Lucky's spirits rose. Finally he couldn't stand it any more.

"Jake, if you will just run with me around the pasture, we don't have to call it a race. I'll run along behind you. You can cross the finish line first."

Jake thought a minute and said, "It's such a beautiful day, Lucky. I'll take your word. Let's go!"

Off they ran through the knee deep grass with Jake in the lead and Lucky right on his heels. They whinnied with delight as they ran at full gallop.

Near the end of the course, Jake began to tire. Lucky had stamina to spare and passed Jake with ease. He crossed the finish line a full length ahead of Jake.

Needless to say, Jake was heartbroken.

It was several days before he would even talk with Lucky. When they finally made up, Lucky apologized endlessly. Jake accepted grudgingly but vowed he would never race Lucky again.

Lucky went on to win almost every race in which he was entered: the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, the Belmont Stakes. He had a long and illustrious career.

Whenever he was not racing, he was often returned to the pasture with his best friend Jake. Jake delighted in hearing of Lucky's triumphs, but won very few races himself.

Years later, after both had been retired from racing, when they were standing near the barn in the shade, Lucky suggested to Jake that they should gallop around the pasture, just for old time's sake.

Jake replied, "You know I won't do that, Lucky, because you always win."

“On my word of honor, Jake, this time will be different," Lucky said. "I'll control myself and let you cross the finish line first."

Reluctantly, lake said, "Don't run very fast, though. My old bones hurt too much when I gallop like we did years ago."

Lucky agreed and they trotted off around the field. When they had almost completed the circuit, Jake tired badly so he slowed to a walk. Lucky still had lots of energy so he cantered on ahead. He again finished in the lead as they neared the barn.

When they had both stopped near the barn an old dog who had observed the unfolding saga for years said, "I could have told you, Jake. You should have known. Lucky can't be trusted. He will always win whenever he runs."

Jake turned to Lucky and said, "Look, Lucky! A talking dog!"


(via)

Sign Dump 13.12

Howard Wolowitz, Impressionist

A recent episode of The Big Bang Theory had Howard Wolowitz (Simon Helberg) doing impressions of Nicholas Cage (as a Dungeon Master while playing Dungeons and Dragons - go figure).

Surprise, surprise - the guy is really good!

Here he is on Conan, channelling Nic Cage, Billy Baldwin, and (sort of) Ben Stiller



And, as an added bonus - Robin Williams!

Pure Evil

(via)

One day, several hundred years ago...

Several hundred years ago, two rival villages would meet annually to compete in a religious ceremony. Both villages would send forth their strongest, fastest male to compete against the other - which involved climbing up a cliff to claim a cross-shaped stone. Legend had it that the cross, a symbol of luck and fertility, would bring good fortune on whichever village owned it.

The day came, and each village met at the cliff.

"Our champion, Tom Smith, is young and fit, and will surely bring us the Symbol" claimed the first mayor.

"No, our fighter, Tom Jameson, is faster and stronger! The Symbol is ours!"

The race began. Both men scrambled up the cliff side at an equal pace, eventually reaching the top at the same time. Both grabbed the cross simultaneously, each trying to wrestle it from the other.

"The Symbol is ours!" cried Tom Smith.

"No! The Symbol belongs to our village!" shouted Tom Jameson.

Both edged closer and closer to the cliff face, and in one violent motion, both Toms and the Symbol fell over the edge, smashing into the rocks below.



BA-BOOM-CHSSSHHH


(via)

I had to watch this repeatedly for awhile...

Perspective

Nope. It still weirds me out.



(via)

One month from today...

A Song of Ice and Tea

(via)

Live and Learn - Wisdom From the Ages

I've learned that life is like a scooter car; not much happens unless you do some peddling.
-Age 79

I've learned that when you remodel, everything costs twice as much and takes twice as long as you think it will.
-Age 48

I've learned that my daddy can say a lot of words I can't.
-Age 8

I've learned that most things I worry about never happen.
-Age 64

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
-Age 39

I've learned that a patrol car behind me always makes me nervous.
-Age 25

I've learned that every great achievement was once considered impossible.
-Age 47

I've learned that homemade Toll House cookies should be eaten while still warm.
-Age 29

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
-Age 46

I've learned that no one has a clue about what the stock market is going to do.
-Age 51

I've learned that if you spread the peas out on your plate, it looks like you ate more.
-Age 6

I've learned that couples without children always know just how you should raise yours.
-Age 29

I've learned that the great challenge of life is to decide what's important and to disregard everything else.
-Age 51

I've learned that getting fired can be the best thing that can happen to you.
-Age 42

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up.
-Age 13

I've learned that almost no quality product sells for a cheap price.
-Age 52


I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.
-Age 68

I've learned that the more creative you are, the more things you notice.
-Age 51

I've learned that you should never be too busy to say "please" and "thank you."
-Age 36

I've learned that you can't be a hero without taking chances.
-Age 43

I've learned that it doesn't cost anything to be nice.
-Age 66

I've learned that whenever I take a fishing trip, the guy who runs the bait shop always says, "Gee, you should have been here yesterday."
-Age 43

I've learned that life challenges us with the fact that everything can be done better.
-Age 57

I've learned that it doesn't do any good to buy expensive tools if I can never find them.
-Age 41

I've learned that a strong code of ethics is as reliable as a compass.
-Age 43

I've learned that if you like garlic salt and Tobasco sauce you can make almost anything taste good.
-Age 52

I've learned that it's hard to argue with someone when they're right.
-Age 38

I've learned that a person is only as good as his or her word.
-Age 90

I've learned that at least once in his life, a man makes a fool of himself over a woman.
-Age 46

I've learned that trust is the single most important factor in both personal and professional relationships.
-Age 20

I've learned that marrying for money is the hardest way of getting it.
-Age 42

I've learned that my gas tank is always on empty when I'm late for an important meeting.
-Age 32
I've learned that nothing of value ever comes without effort.
-Age 64
I've learned that you can be in love with four girls at the same time.
-Age 9


I've learned that even the simplest task can be meaningful if I do it in the right spirit.
-Age 72

I've learned that after age 50 you get the furniture disease. That's when your chest falls into your drawers.
-Age 53

I've learned that lying in the green grass of an empty field makes you feel so good.
-Age 14

I've learned that you shouldn't have a $1,000 meeting to solve a $100 problem.
-Age 55

I've learned that women tip less than men at lunch and that smokers are better tippers than nonsmokers.
-Age 19

I've learned that it's better to be married to someone with a good nature than a good physique.
-Age -39

I've learned that anticipation is often better than the real thing.
-Age 46

I've learned that enthusiasm is caught, not taught.
-Age 51

I've learned that untold treasures are found in the imagination of a child.
-Age 30

I've learned that generous people seldom have emotional and mental problems.
-Age 51

I've learned that in every face-to-face encounter, regardless of how brief, we leave something behind.
-Age 45

I've learned that if you hire mediocre people, they will hire mediocre people.
-Age 53

I've learned that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.
-Age 10

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
-Age 46

I've learned that the ache of unfulfilled dreams is the worst pain of all.
-Age 51

I've learned that even when you schedule a doctor's appointment at 8:00am., you still have to wait an hour.
-Age 42

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.
-Age 27

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be a pain.
-Age 82

I've learned that I shouldn't go grocery shopping when I'm hungry.
-Age 38

I've learned that one of the sweetest smells I know is my husband's clean-shaven face in the mornings.
-Age 39

I've learned that car salesmen size up prospects by looking at their shoes and watches.
-Age 52

I've learned that if I'm in trouble at school, I'm in more trouble at home.
-Age 11

I've learned that people who wear Mickey Mouse watches are usually creative and fun to be with.
-Age 33

I've learned that regardless of color or age, we all need about the same amount of love.
-Age 37

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
-Age 58

I've learned that a person's degree of self-confidence greatly determines his success.
-Age 42

I've learned that I should never praise my mother's cooking when I'm eating something fixed by my wife.
-Age 27

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
-Age 24

I've learned that the quickest way to meet people is to pick up the wrong golf ball on the golf course.
-Age 43

I've learned that it makes me sad when I'm the last one chosen for a team.
-Age 9

I've learned that nothing really bad happens when you tear those little "do not remove" tags from pillows.
-Age 31

I've learned that your teenage years are comprised of tribulations, confusion, agony, and love.
Age 15

I've learned that I cannot expect others to solve my problems.
-Age 34

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. but if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
-Age 65

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
-Age 50

I've learned that most people are honest.
-Age 82

I've learned that if you care, it shows.
-Age 30

I've learned that eating chocolate won't solve your problems, but it doesn't hurt anything either.
-Age 28

I've learned that animals can sometimes warm your heart better than people can.
-Age 15

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
-Age 53

I've learned that if you take good care of your employees, they will take good care of your customers.
-Age 49

I've learned that you should never go to bed with an argument unsettled.
-Age 73

I've learned that education, experience, and memories are three things no one can take away from you.
-Age 67

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
-Age 7

Generic Irish Joke

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Very well," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to, then?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too! A toast to Saint Mary's then!"

"Absolutely," replies the second man.

About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender, "except the Flaherty twins are drunk again."

We've got something Voldemort doesn't have...

(via)

Happy Monday, Little Ducks!