It's Burger Time!

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One day, with Mary Poppins...

Mary Poppins, the magical British nanny, was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room.

"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please.

And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled.

"In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though. They really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh, well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Okay, I will, thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book.

Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written:

"Super cauliflower cheese, but eggs were quite atrocious!"

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Seriously?

Are you kidding me, Dr. Evil?
I think this is a great idea!

Of course, my idea of "roughing it" is a hotel with no room service.


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Game of Desks

What if the planets were as close as the moon?

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A man’s age, as determined by a trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit — shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.

And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird about thinking she’s spicy.

In your 50s:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.

The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember — the hat you have on is from Bubba’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says, ‘I Got Worms ‘

In your 60s:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t have your glasses on, so you’re not sure.

In your 70s:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your testicles are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80s:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
You went to school with the old lady greeter.

You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:
What’s a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Who farted?


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Tidbits from "The Princess Bride"

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If you don't think education matters...

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If your phone gets wet...

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The Top 20 Things No Parent Said, Ever

(Number five is my favorite)

20. "Take the scissors to Daddy. Hurry! Run!"

19. "Honey, he's a valedictorian. Don't you know any nice bass players?"

18. "You know the rules, Billy: You don't make your bed, you do two shots."

17. "Sure, bring Jimmy along. I'm sure it's not the contagious kind of flu."

16. "Have a nice time at the prom, sweetie. Here's $1000 for bail money."

15. "On balance, my childhood was sooooo much easier than yours."

14. "Come on, sweetie, it's prom; you can show a little more cleavage than that."

13. "How about making me another one of these macaroni pictures?"

12. "Be home by midnight, and make sure you orally gratify whatever nice young man you're going out with."

11. "I totally believe Casey Anthony."

10. "The porn under Timmy's bed is getting stale. We'll need to change it."

9. "Son, if you want to have a great date, ask a gal who's fast and loose like your mom."

8. "Sweetie, Mommy has a headache. Could you please distract me with more of that yelling and pot-banging?"

7. "Just wait till your other mother gets home; she's gonna bust a cap in your ass."

6. "These kids practically pay for themselves!"

5. "Someday when you have kids of your own, you'll look back and realize what a total ass I'm being now."

4. "The sound of a baby crying makes me feel so alive!"

3. "If you don't watch 'Walking Dead' with me, I will not take you to Chuck E. Cheese, and that's final!"

2. "He's only hitting you because he hates you and thinks you're ugly."


And the Number One Thing No Parent Said, Ever...


1. "Careful, you'll put an eye out! But hey, that's why you have a spare."



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New Job Opening

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Fun With Food

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