Monday, July 21, 2014

Facebook Oops




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Here's your Joke of the Week

For your next party...


Hey, did you know that there are four types of orgasms? The Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.

The Holy Orgasm goes, "Oh god, oh god…" 

The Positive Orgasm goes, "Yes, yes, oh yes... " 

The Negative Orgasm goes. "no, no, oh no…" 

and the Fake Orgasm goes, "Oh (insert the name of whoever you are telling the joke to)"


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I like big books!



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Happy Monday, Little Ducks!


Sunday, July 20, 2014

Turn your phone flashlight into a black light...



(Thanks, Ross!)

One day, in the theater...

Charlie was an aspiring stage actor who was still waiting for his "big break." He rarely got called for an acting gig and was near the point of giving up on his dream.

Finally, one day, his agent called and said "Charlie! I've got good news! I got you a gig! It's a small part, only one line. You play a guard in Napoleon's army. The downside is the show opens today, so you've got to get moving if you want the part. Your line is easy. All you have to say is 'Hark! Are those cannons I hear?' Think you can handle that, Charlie?"

Charlie was ecstatic. "Yeah! I can do it! 'Hark, are those cannons I hear?' Easy! When do I gotta be there?!"

"Tonight at 7pm the curtain goes up, Charlie. Don't blow this! It's your big break!"

So Charlie started practicing right away... "Hark! Are those cannons I hear?" he said has he showered. "HARK! Are those cannons I hear?" he said as he shaved. All day long he paced around his apartment; "Hark, are those CANNONS I here?!" "...HARK! Are...those cannons I hear?" All through dinner: "Hark, are those cannons I HEAR?" "HARK! ARE THOSE CANNONS I HEAR?!" Through his afternoon nap, he mumbled to himself: "Hark, are those cannons I hear…"

And, of course, he overslept. His phone rang at 7:45pm. His agent. "Charlie! Where the hell are you? You're on stage in thirty minutes! Get down there NOW!"

Charlie scrambled out of bed... "What was my line again? oh yeah; Hark! Are those cannons I hear?" He hailed a cab; "Hark! Are those cannons I hear?" All the way to the theater; "HARK! Are those cannons I hear? Hark; are those CANNONS I HEAR!?"

As he ran through the stage door, the director caught him; "Charlie! You're on in two minutes! Get your costume on! What's your line? Do you remember your line?!"

"Yeah, it's 'HARK! Are those cannons I hear?'"

"Great! Get that costume on and get out there!"

As Charlie pulled on his costume he repeated his line over & over; "Hark! Are those cannons I hear? ...HARK! ARE THOSE CANNONS I HEAR?! ...HARK! ARE THOSE CANNONS I HEAR?!"

He made it to his point on stage just in time. From off-stage there was a great loud BOOM! and Charlie hit the deck and screamed, 

"WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?!"


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Congratulations



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EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Photo of Bran Stark from Season 5 of "Game of Thrones"




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Saturday, July 19, 2014

The Human Mind

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Are You A TRUE Elementary School Teacher? Let's Find Out:


1. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?

2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?

3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?

4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?

5. Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"?

6. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?

7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car nice?

8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?

9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?

10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?

11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand him/her the money at a tollbooth?

12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?

~~~

* If you answered yes to 4 or more, it's in your soul--you are hooked on teaching. And if you're not a teacher, you missed your calling.

* If you answered yes to 8 or more, well, maybe it's *too much* in your soul--you should probably begin thinking about retirement.

* If you answered yes to all 12, forget it--you'll *always* be a teacher, retired or not!

A DIY mural for people who can't draw












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From my favorite Right-Wing Love Muffin


Okay. One more.

"Once a Blonde…"




(Thanks, Billy!)