SHOC

SHOC
Discerning content for Bad Hombres and Nasty Women

Thursday, July 20, 2017

What if...?




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One night, in a vampire cave

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantly, he returns in a huge flock of bats. His hands are covered in blood.

With a cackle, he points down the road.

"You see that abandoned coach down there? I slaughtered everyone in it! The driver, a nobleman and his wife, their three sons, and a guardsman! All dead in the blink of an eye!"

The second, older than the first, but younger than the last, scoffs. "Child's play. Watch this." And disappears with the wind. Even with his heightened senses, the younger could not follow his movements.

The second vampire reappeared as suddenly as he had vanished, and the gust of his speed knocked the youngest to the ground. His hands, mouth, and collar were caked with gore. He gestures towards a town in the distance. As the vampires watched, a building lit on fire, and fell onto another one. Soon, the entire town was alight, but no movement could be seen from the townsfolk at all.

"A hundred people in that town! All dead! Torn to shreds!"

The youngest was in awe, but the eldest of the three only sighed bemusedly.

"How cute." He says.

The second looks almost indignant. "I'd like to see you do better."

The third lets out a malevolent chuckle.

"Very well."

He gets up, dusts off his cloak, and puts his spectacles down on a rock.

He disappears with a CRACK. The other two vampires' jaws dropped at the impossible speed that the eldest flew at.

Another resounding CRACK filled the air as the eldest vampire returned to the cave. His cloak was in tatters. His clothes were disheveled. But most prominent was the blood. His entire body was covered in blood. Never would the other vampires imagine that so much blood could cling to one person.

The eldest lets out a sigh, and plops to the ground. He reaches for his glasses, and cleans them with what remains of his cloak.

The younger vampires look at each other, not sure whether to break the silence.

Finally, the youngest asks, "So...?"

The elder vampire looks up slowly. He murmurs,

"You see that massive tree over there? The one with the widest trunk, as thick as a man is tall?"

Baffled, the youngest replied, "...Yes?"

The eldest, sheepishly, continued.


"Well, I didn't."

THROWBACK THURSDAY - "Today's PSA: How to Tell the Difference Between Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel"

(originally published on October 13, 2010)




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48 Years Ago Today...

On July 20, 1969, at precisely 8:18 PM UTC (12:18 PM PDT), Mission commander Neil Armstrong and pilot Buzz Aldrin landed the lunar module Eagle on the surface of the moon. six hours later, at 02:56:15 UTC, Armstrong became the first human to step out onto the surface, joined by Aldrin 20 minutes later.

After more than 21½ total hours on the lunar surface performing various scientific tests and experiments, and collecting 47.5 pounds (21.55 kilograms) of "moon rocks," the pair successfully lifted off of the Moon's surface to rendezvous with the Command Module for the return to Earth.

HOWEVER, there was a contingency plan.

President Nixon's speech writer William Safire had prepared a speech entitled In Event of Moon Disaster for the President to read on television in the event the Apollo 11 astronauts were stranded on the Moon. Safire also suggested a protocol the administration might follow in reaction to such a disaster. According to that plan, Mission Control would "close down communications" with the LM, and a clergyman would "commend their souls to the deepest of the deep" in a public ritual likened to burial at sea.



Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Kentucky Omelette, ladies. Just sayin'





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From the mouths of babes...




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Website Wednesday 17.29

Website Wednesday
a subsidiary of Skip's House of Chaos
(The 234,453rd Most Interesting Man in the World)
 

"From the Large Intestine of the Internets,

through the Sphincter of Electronic Mail,
peeing like a baby on a changing table
into the brisk digital wind..."  

                    I’ve come to the realization that I overuse
                    exclamation points. Well, it ends today.
                    Right now. I’ll never ever use one again.
                    I’m extremely pumped about this. Yippee.


Top of the heap: 10 Amazing Additions Coming to Disney Parks and Resorts

Related: A Data-Based Guide to Dealing With Lines at Disneyland

What is Net Neutrality, And Why Should You Care?

11 Things You Should Know Before Going to the San Diego Comic Con (BFF Donna and I are heading there today!)

The Backfire Effect

The Nicest Place on the Internet

The 25 Things on Netflix You Should Watch Immediately

Texter - draw with text

A Profitable Way to Stop Telemarketers

5 Simple Ways to Save Thousands of Lives (Nobody Does)

Rebuilding the Great Wall of China

A Few Things to Know About American Sign Language

Teamwork Makes the Dream Work

14 Netflix Hacks That Will Change the Way You Stream

How the Guy Who Played Jar Jar Binks Survived the Fandom Menace



Love you, mean it. Let's do lunch. Have your people call my people. Ciao, bella.
 
- Skip
   _ಠ


 Website Wednesday archives


(If you'd like to subscribe to the Website Wednesday mailing list,
shoot me an email and let me know)

Deleted scene from last Sunday's "Game of Thrones"




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Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Cool Google feature...




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TWEET OF THE WEEK


One day, at the elementary school...

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.



(Like it? Check this one out)

TUNESMITH TUESDAY - "Daddy's Home" by Cliff Richard

In 1981, English pop star Cliff Richard did a remake of Daddy's Home (originally performed 20 years earlier by Shep and the Limelights). It reached #23 in the US, and #2 in the UK.

"Daddy's Home"

You're my love
You're my angel
You're the girl of my dreams
And I'd like to thank you
For waiting patiently

Daddy's home - daddy's home - to stay

How I've waited for this moment
To be by your side
Your best friend wrote and told me
You had teardrops in your eyes

Daddy's home - daddy's home - to stay

It wasn't on a Sunday
(Monday and Tuesday went by)
It wasn't on a Tuesday afternoon
(All I could do was cry)
But I made a promise
That you treasure
And I made it back home to you

How I've waited for this moment
To be by your side
Your best friend wrote and told me
You had teardrops in your eyes

Daddy's home - daddy's home - to stay.....
Daddy's home - to stay.....

I'm not a thousand miles away