Quotes from Steven Wright (part 2)

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Right now I'm having amnesia and dejá vu at the same time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child.... eventually.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He

said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me

what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a

woman in Madagasgar. She said, "Cut it out."

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw

it at them.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was

speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all

the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me

and keeps typing.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.