"If You Were Gay"
from Avenue Q
[ROD:]
Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway
Musicals of the 1940s." No roommate to bother me. How could it get any better than this?
[NICKY:]
Oh,hi Rod!
[ROD:]
Hi Nicky
[NICKY:]
Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning! This guy was smiling at me and talking to me…
[ROD:]
That's very interesting
[NICKY:]
He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me! I think he might've thought I was gay!
[ROD:]
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?
Why should I care?
I don't care
What did you have for lunch today?
[NICKY:]
Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod.
[ROD:]
I'm NOT getting defensive!
What do I care about some gay guy you met, okay?
I'm trying to read.
[NICKY:]
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it's something we should be able to talk about
[ROD:]
I don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This conversation is over!!!
[NICKY:]
Yeah, but
[ROD:]
OVER!!!
[NICKY:]
Well, okay, but just so you know…
If you were gay
That'd be okay
I mean cause, hey
I'd like you anyway
Because you see
If it were me
I would feel free
To say that i was gay
(But i'm not gay.)
[ROD:]
Nicky, please!
What?!
[NICKY:]
If you were queer
[ROD:]
Ah, Nicky!
[NICKY:]
I'd still be here
[ROD:]
Nicky, I'm trying to read this book
[NICKY:]
Year after year
[ROD:]
Nicky!
[NICKY:]
Because you're dear
To me
[ROD:]
Argh!
[NICKY:]
And I know that you
[ROD:]
What?
[NICKY:]
Would accept me too
[ROD:]
I would?
[NICKY:]
If i told you today
"Hey! Guess what
I'm gay!"
(But i'm not gay.)
I'm happy
Just being with you
[ROD:]
[NICKY:]
So what should it
Matter to me
What you do in bed
With guys?
[ROD:]
Nicky, that's GROSS!
[NICKY:]
No, it's not!
If you were gay
I'd shout hooray!
[ROD:]
I am not listening!
[NICKY:]
And here I'd stay
[ROD:]
La la la la la!
[NICKY:]
But i wouldn't get
In your way
[ROD:]
Aaaah!
[NICKY:]
You can count on me
To always be
Beside you every day
To tell you it's okay
You were just born
That way
And, as they say
It's in your DNA
You're gay!
[ROD:]
But I'm not gay
[NICKY:]
If you were gay
[ROD:]
Argh!
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