Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
One day, at the clinic...
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1000 if we fail."
A local doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn a thousand bucks, so he goes to the clinic.
Doctor: "I've lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The doc gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days to recover his money.
Doctor: "I've lost my memory. I can't remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that's gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The doctor leaves angrily, and after several days, returns - determined more than ever to get his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, actually, I don't have any medicine for that. Here, take this $1000"
Doctor: "This is gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500," passing the doctor a $500 bill.
Doctor: "But this is only $500!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your eyesight back. That will be $500."
TUNESMITH TUESDAY - "Blueberry Hill" - by VLADIMIR PUTIN!
Vladimir Putin has now done something no other Russian leader is known to have done, at least in public: sing! He launched his world tour as an artist by singing an American pop classic: "Blueberry Hill."
Fans packed into the concert hall to hear the 58-year-old Russian Prime Minister-pilot-hunter-judo black belt embark on yet another career.
"Some people are saying he wants to be the next Frank Sinatra, but Vlad has a unique style that surpasses Frank and will make him much bigger on a global scale," said Putin's Chief of Staff, Anna Pfeffer.
Putin took the stage to thunderous applause and then sat down at the piano and played a Rachmaninoff's Concerto #3, which many considered the finest performance of the difficult piece ever performed.Putin was humble at first when he told the crowd, "Like an overwhelming majority of people, I can neither sing nor play, but I very much like doing it." Then he went on to announce that he was launching his Red Scare Tour, his first world tour as a singer/pianist/KGB.
In the clip below Putin stumbled a bit on a Soviet-era patriotic song, "From Where the Motherland Begins" because he was very emotional. Then he got up and sang "Blueberry Hill."
Some in the audience say that they saw the ghost of Elvis Presley on the side of the stage. Reportedly, Elvis gave Putin a thumbs up sign for his "Blueberry Hill" performance.
The 1940 song (music by Vincent Rose, lyrics by Al Lewis and Larry Stock),was made famous by Elvis Presley and Led Zepplin. Nobody saw Led Zepplin (dead or alive) on the side of the stage, however.
The former KGB head and president learned the song's lyrics as part of his English language studies and soon after became fluent in English and learned the complete American songbook as well as every rock song recorded by the Beatles.
Spotted in the crowd: Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner and Sharon Stone. They were all "blown away" by Putin's performance. If they weren't "blown away" however... they may have been blown away.
Fans packed into the concert hall to hear the 58-year-old Russian Prime Minister-pilot-hunter-judo black belt embark on yet another career.
"Some people are saying he wants to be the next Frank Sinatra, but Vlad has a unique style that surpasses Frank and will make him much bigger on a global scale," said Putin's Chief of Staff, Anna Pfeffer.
Putin took the stage to thunderous applause and then sat down at the piano and played a Rachmaninoff's Concerto #3, which many considered the finest performance of the difficult piece ever performed.Putin was humble at first when he told the crowd, "Like an overwhelming majority of people, I can neither sing nor play, but I very much like doing it." Then he went on to announce that he was launching his Red Scare Tour, his first world tour as a singer/pianist/KGB.
In the clip below Putin stumbled a bit on a Soviet-era patriotic song, "From Where the Motherland Begins" because he was very emotional. Then he got up and sang "Blueberry Hill."
Some in the audience say that they saw the ghost of Elvis Presley on the side of the stage. Reportedly, Elvis gave Putin a thumbs up sign for his "Blueberry Hill" performance.
The 1940 song (music by Vincent Rose, lyrics by Al Lewis and Larry Stock),was made famous by Elvis Presley and Led Zepplin. Nobody saw Led Zepplin (dead or alive) on the side of the stage, however.
The former KGB head and president learned the song's lyrics as part of his English language studies and soon after became fluent in English and learned the complete American songbook as well as every rock song recorded by the Beatles.
Spotted in the crowd: Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner and Sharon Stone. They were all "blown away" by Putin's performance. If they weren't "blown away" however... they may have been blown away.
MONDAY MIND GAME
The King summoned a peasant out of anger. He told him that he will have to face death. He asked him to make a statement and if the statement is true he will be buried alive and if the statement is false, he will be thrown at lions. After hearing the peasant's statement, the King could do nothing but smile. He gave him 5 gold bars and let him go.
What did the peasant say?
Give up?
Drag your cursor between the asterisks for the answer.
Weenie.
What did the peasant say?
Give up?
Drag your cursor between the asterisks for the answer.
Weenie.
*
"I will be thrown to the lions."
Now if the King threw him at lions, the peasant's statement will stand true and he will have to bury him alive. But if he buries him, the statement will emerge as false. Thus, the King had no choice left.
*
Sunday, January 28, 2018
Random Status Updates
We’ve all heard that those little plastic-ringy-things on
six-packs of soda and beer cans can be dangerous for waterfowl. And I’m totally
onboard with finding some sort of viable, eco-friendly alternative. In the
meantime, does anyone know how much I can get for a six-pack of ducks?
~~~~~
My favorite form of self-delusion is choosing a deodorant
that has the words “active” or “sport” in its name.
~~~~~
The instructions on my new medication say, “Take one pill
twice daily.” I hate taking it the second time though, because it always tastes
like barf.
~~~~~
I have this great idea for a children’s book about an
irrepressibly curious monkey who goes on a journey and along the way he meets a
West Nile mosquito, a killer African bee, a civet cat, a Gambian rat, a prairie
dog, and a mad cow. It’s called “Curious George Repeatedly Goes to The
Hospital.”
~~~~~
It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and
quiet… nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney Fife, Floyd the Barber,
Howard, Gomer, Goober, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, the entire Darlin family, Helen
Crump, Thelma Lou, Clara… In fact, the ONLY married one was Otis, and he stayed
drunk.
~~~~~
It’s really interesting to be alive in America at this
point in history because it’s like the collapse of the Roman Empire, but with
WiFi.
~~~~~
Whoever it was that said, “No man is an island” has
obviously never seen my stomach in the bathtub.
~~~~~
When I’m feeling down, I try to think happy thoughts. When
that doesn’t work, I get even more depressed, so I try to think of even
*happier* thoughts. Inevitably that fails, so I suddenly rip out as many nose
hairs as I can grab between the nails of my middle finger and thumb, and that
**always** results in me rolling on the floor in rapturous laughter – right
alongside my writhing, screaming co-worker.
~~~~~
Haikus are silly. I would never waste my time counting
syllables.
~~~~~
STUDENT: Hey, can I do something to help my grade?
TEACHER: Uh, it’s May already.
STUDENT: LOL sorry. MAY I do something to help my grade?
Saturday, January 27, 2018
The Vow of Silence
One day, a man decides that he was
going to join a monastery to become a monk.
When he walks in, the head of the
monastery welcomes him warmly and tells him that theirs is a silent order, and if
he were to join, he would have to take a vow of silence, and only be able to speak two words every ten years. The
man agrees.
After ten years the head monk goes
to him and says, "Brother, it has been ten years since you have last spoken.
What would you like to say?"
The man responds with "Bed hard."
The head monk nods in understanding and arranges a softer bed for him.
After another ten years, the head
monk asks the man the same question.
This time he responds with "Food cold."
The head monk again nods and arranges for more hot meals to be served.
After another 10 years the head
monk walks up to the man and once again asks the same question.
This time the
man says, "I quit."
The head monk looks down at the man
and says, "I’m really not all that surprised. You've done nothing but bitch since you
got here."
Friday, January 26, 2018
If The Posters For This Year’s Oscar-Nominated Movies Were Honest
Baby Driver
Blade Runner, 2049
The Boss Baby
Coco
The Darkest Hour
Dunkirk (a twofer!)
The Greatest Showman
I, Tonya
Logan
Star Wars: The Last Jedi
The Post
The Shape of Water
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
War For The Planet Of The Apes
(more here)