We’ve all heard that those little plastic-ringy-things on
six-packs of soda and beer cans can be dangerous for waterfowl. And I’m totally
onboard with finding some sort of viable, eco-friendly alternative. In the
meantime, does anyone know how much I can get for a six-pack of ducks?
~~~~~
My favorite form of self-delusion is choosing a deodorant
that has the words “active” or “sport” in its name.
~~~~~
The instructions on my new medication say, “Take one pill
twice daily.” I hate taking it the second time though, because it always tastes
like barf.
~~~~~
I have this great idea for a children’s book about an
irrepressibly curious monkey who goes on a journey and along the way he meets a
West Nile mosquito, a killer African bee, a civet cat, a Gambian rat, a prairie
dog, and a mad cow. It’s called “Curious George Repeatedly Goes to The
Hospital.”
~~~~~
It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and
quiet… nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney Fife, Floyd the Barber,
Howard, Gomer, Goober, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, the entire Darlin family, Helen
Crump, Thelma Lou, Clara… In fact, the ONLY married one was Otis, and he stayed
drunk.
~~~~~
It’s really interesting to be alive in America at this
point in history because it’s like the collapse of the Roman Empire, but with
WiFi.
~~~~~
Whoever it was that said, “No man is an island” has
obviously never seen my stomach in the bathtub.
~~~~~
When I’m feeling down, I try to think happy thoughts. When
that doesn’t work, I get even more depressed, so I try to think of even
*happier* thoughts. Inevitably that fails, so I suddenly rip out as many nose
hairs as I can grab between the nails of my middle finger and thumb, and that
**always** results in me rolling on the floor in rapturous laughter – right
alongside my writhing, screaming co-worker.
~~~~~
Haikus are silly. I would never waste my time counting
syllables.
~~~~~
STUDENT: Hey, can I do something to help my grade?
TEACHER: Uh, it’s May already.
STUDENT: LOL sorry. MAY I do something to help my grade?
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