Puns, Jokes, and One-Liners

“Hello, Microsoft Support. What’s the nature of the problem?”

“Eggshell”

“Eggshell?”

“Yesh”

“Oh, hello again, Mr. Connery. Spreadsheet issues?”

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I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

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My date told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

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A blind man walks into a bar.

     And a table.

          And a chair.

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What’s ET short for?

He’s only got little legs.

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“Sir, we are mining too many useless ores.”

(Hitler rubs chin)

“So mine less.”

(Grammar Nazi bursts in)

“MINE FEWER”

(Hitler looks up)  “Yes?”

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Saying “I’m just on Tinder to make friends” is like saying, “I’m just on PornHub to see if this plumber manages to fix this sink.”

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“They’re stealing our jobs!”

Yes, Gary. With your high school diploma, Muhammad the neurologist is stealing your job.

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I’ve never gotten a tattoo, because I could never think of anything I want on me for the rest of my life. However, if I ever DO get one, it’ll be a “W” on each butt cheek so I can bend over and spell “WOW.” Better yet, if I ever fall down a hill naked it’ll look like I’m spelling out “WOW MOM” as I roll.