Random Status Updates

Me: Hey! What do you call a midget fortune-teller who just escaped from prison?
Starbucks Barista: Ummm, I don’t know, what?
Me: A Tall Grande at Venti!

I’m not allowed in that Starbucks anymore.

~~~~~

If I had to guess where it everything started to go wrong, I’d have to say it was the day I learned “elementopee” wasn’t one awesome letter.

~~~~~

SKETCH ARTIST: (holds up a drawing of a single bit of straw)
CAMEL: (in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes) That’s him!

~~~~~

Sometimes I feel like a seal is just a neutral sea lion.

Neutral.

As in …

without an ion

~~~~~

Statistics show that 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read

~~~~~

I haven’t eaten an apple in days.
The doctors are closing in.
My barricade won’t last much longer.
They’re coming.
Tell my family I love th-

~~~~~

When you think about it, Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two-minute guitar solo

~~~~~

I never run with scissors.
Those last two words were unnecessary.

~~~~~

You matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light…
Then you energy.

~~~~~

We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more extreme nacho flavor than a peasant in the 1400’s would get in his entire lifetime.