Random Thoughts

I don’t live in Missouri, but I have a great idea for their State Motto which would help promote tourism. Instead of “The Show Me State,” they should go with “Missouri Loves Company”

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Apparently, the best way to flirt with your dental hygienist does not involve massaging her gloved fingers with your tongue.

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The hardest part of having a supermodel for a girlfriend is telling all the other girls you've been dating that you can't see them anymore. Luckily, I always wake up before it gets to that point.

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I understand now why Habitat for Humanity won’t ever let me come back, but I honestly thought the saying was "Measure twice, cut one."

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Some people just don't seem to care about national security. I keep trying to tell my neighbor that according to the Patriot Act, you're not supposed to pull down your window shades down at night, but she doesn't believe me.

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If someone ever invented a low-fat, vitamin-filled vegetable that tasted like fudge-covered Rice Krispies treats, I'd probably start eating a lot healthier.

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I thought I was a stigmatic until I looked it up. "Stigmata" means "having bodily marks or pains resembling the wounds of the crucified Christ." It turns out that when you get a lot of red bumps on your ass, that's just called a "rash."

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Word to the Wise: A barrel full of monkeys isn't fun for very long if there aren't any air holes.

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I'm so old, I remember when an AOL e-mail address was cool.

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The beauty of TV Land is being able revisit the programs I revered during my youth, often relishing the quaintness of what entertained us back then. That, and shaking my head at the fact we believed that "L" on Penny Marshall's costumes actually stood for "Laverne."