Sunday, September 23, 2018

Puns, Jokes, and One-Liners

Schrödinger’s Douchebag: A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he was joking based on the reaction of the people around him.

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Supermarkets and stores should have a few shopping carts in the middle of the store, for when my pride gets sucker-punched by the realization that I have too much stuff to carry.

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As an artistic person, I believe there is a finite amount of beauty in the universe. To create beauty in your art means you must remove beauty from something else, achieving a balance. My boss told me I had to clean my desk anyway.

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In Japan, radiation creates monsters, and in America radiation creates superheroes. Shockingly, it’s almost like Japan and America have very different ideas about nuclear fallout.

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Okay, so since bat wings are basically just skin stretched between elongated finger bones, bats fly through the power of jazz hands.

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So let me get this straight… 10 years ago we basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore. Then we spent nine years obsessing about it. Then last year we just drove by its house real slow

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Me: I will not be awkward today.
Person: Hey!
Me: Good! Thanks!

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I’d be much more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else.

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Last night I had a salad for dinner.
It was a fruit salad. 
It had grapes. 
Lots of grapes.
It was wine.

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True love is very difficult to find.
Pretty much like the remote, actually.

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