Sunday, September 9, 2018

Random Status Updates

“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
     Wait… is that a warning or a suggestion?

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Trump should build that wall out of Hillary’s emails since it seems no one can get over them.

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I can’t decide if I need a huge cup of coffee, a hug, eight shots of scotch, a few hundred chicken nuggets, or a month of sleep.

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JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got… toe-jam football, he got… monkey finger, he shoot… Coca Cola…

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: What?

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Remember when we cried as kids and our parents said, “I’ll give you something to cry about”? We thought they were going to give us a spanking, but instead, they destroyed the housing market, quadrupled college tuition, melted the ice caps and then elected Donald Trump as President.

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So apparently, Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection.

Except one.

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As I get older, I've found that I don't scream for ice cream like I used to when I was a kid. I think I'm becoming lactose-ambivalent.

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I’m tired of the Man always bringin’ me down. Then again, it *was* my choice to subscribe to the Comforter-of-the-Month Club to begin with.

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I was considering purchasing some suppositories, but I changed my mind after considering all of the ramifications.

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Remember that week in 2011 when the only news story was when Charlie Sheen was going crazy and saying stuff like, “I got tiger blood, man”, and “I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars”?


Ah, those were the days.

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