Jokes, Puns, and One-Liners

Me: We should talk about this awkward sexual tension between us.
Her: What sexual tension?
Me: Aaaaand there’s the awkward part.

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I would think that the worst part about working for a Research Lab would be getting orders arrogantly barked at you all the time. Well, that, and having to take him out for walks.

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I like to think of myself as a do-it-yourselfer.

Not a do-it-MY-selfer; a do-it-YOUR-selfer.

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If I Were Ever a Spelling Bee Judge

Me: Spell, “their.”
Contestant: “Sentence, please.”
Me: “They’re going to build their house over there.”

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Superman could’ve become a doctor and used his X-ray vision to detect life-threatening tumors. But no, he figured we really needed another journalist.

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I went to the library today and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said, “Yes. They’re right behind you.”

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I asked a librarian for a book on Schrödinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dogs today. She said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not

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Shoutout to everyone who ever has had to get over someone they never technically dated.

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I got vaccinated as a kid. As a result, I started losing my hair. It got so bad I had to shave my head. I’ve also gained weight. Because of vaccines I’ve gotten older instead of dying as a baby.

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So, apparently, despite planning to feature such big names as Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks, MTV didn’t care for my proposed hidden-colonoscopy-camera series, “Sphink’d!”