Just Jokes

1. A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, “Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”

The guy says, “No. They’re all at the funeral.”

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2. A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I KNOW the guy!’

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3. A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five!”

“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.”

“How’d you come up with that?” the lawyer asks.

St. Peter says, “We added up your time sheets.”

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4. Instead of “Who’s your daddy” I accidentally said, “How’s your daddy” and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad’s cholesterol.

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5. My first day as a car salesman…

        Customer: Cargo space?

        Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.

        Manager: Can I see you in my office?

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6. It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, and my ex-sleeps with everybody…that sorta thing.

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7. My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.” “Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way.”

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8. What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common? They both think,” My mom’s gonna kill me.”

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9. I can’t see an end. I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape. I don’t even have a home anymore. I think it’s time for a new keyboard.

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10. A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”