Just Jokes

1. I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

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2. I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife. But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

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3. My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

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4. A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says, “I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t make it.” The man hands the baby back and responds, “Well, bring me the one my wife made.”

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5. I watched the video of my wedding backward. I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

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6. I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

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7. “Your eyes look red,” said the cop. “Have you been smoking weed?”

“Your eyes look glazed,” I replied. “Have you been eating donuts?”

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8. Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?” I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

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9. If light travels faster than the speed of sound. How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

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10. My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed. After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.