Thursday, November 8, 2018

THROWBACK THURSDAY - "Ask And Ye Shall Receive"

(originally published on August 19, 2009)


Skipnote: I came across this article in the June 1998 issue of Maxim (which I only read for the articles). Since it sort of parallels what I do for a LIVING, I thought it might be somewhat apropos here


During a recent visit to Mexico, my entire outlook on financial transactions changed radically. South of the border, only fools pay the asking price for anything; in the U.S., you’re considered an aggressive panhandler if you so much as look askance at a price tag.

But the truth is, you can cut yourself a sweet deal almost anytime an open wallet is involved—if you master the right approach. To prove it, I ventured out into the world and spent the better part of a month applying bargaining strategies to situations, both large and small, where there was an opportunity to walk away with some spare change. If I could finagle a discount on my daily purchases, I reasoned, it would be like getting a 5 to 15 percent raise for the rest of my life. Here’s what happened.

Starbucks

This place is my crack house. I go there every morning. Recently my wife calculated what I was spending there and firmly suggested that I drink my coffee at home. So I paid the store manager a visit at 2:30 in the afternoon, when there would be virtually no customers who might overhear me asking for special treatment. Cutting a bargain, I’ve learned, is a bit like a wolf regurgitating meat—you don’t want a bunch of hungry pack mates standing around when you do it.

Me: I come in here every day and spend about four dollars. So that’s like over $1,000 a year. My wife’s been telling me to make coffee at home, and I’m wondering if there’s any chance I could get a little break?
Ken (the manager): Do you get your coffee for here or to go?
Me: I usually get one here and pay for a refill to go.
Ken: Tell you what, I won’t charge you for your refill.
Bottom line: Unbelievable! I just saved 50¢ a day until the Grim Reaper takes my latte away. Like the old good-cop-bad-cop routine, shameless praise followed by an implied threat to cut off your business proves irresistible to most merchants.

~~~~~

Johnny’s Pizza
There’s a ma-and-pa pizzeria in my town where I often go to get fat and loaded. The prices are pretty good. But if I promised to buy pies and brew in bulk, would they get even better?

Me: I’m a big fan of your pizza and come here all the time. My swim team would love to eat here, but we’re on a tight budget. We’ve been buying a couple six-packs and takeout pizzas after practice and just going to this one guy’s house.
Carl (the owner): How many of y’unz are there?
Me: I’d say maybe eight.
Carl: OK. I’ll take care of you.
Me: Could you give us imported beer for the price of American rotgut?
Carl: Well, the LCB [Liquor Control Board] is on my ass.
Me: It’s just that we can buy a case of import so much cheaper, take it to this guy’s house...
Carl: OK, I’ll take care of you. You won’t find a better deal.

Bottom line: Carl proved true to his word. We got four pitchers of Molson, a round of Guinness pints, 46 slices of Sicilian meat-happy pizza, chicken wings, and two Cokes for $49—$23 off the regular price. By subtly pointing out that eight customers are better than none, you can generally foster a win-win situation.

~~~~~

Prescription drugs
I recently picked up some sort of urogenital infection, and the doctor prescribed these expensive antibiotics—two dollars a pill—which I had to take daily for three months. My health insurance is terrible, and I have to pay for most medicine out-of-pocket. I’d gone to a Super Kmart for years because it had the lowest prices, but a Wal-Mart had just opened up.

I called the Wal-Mart pharmacy and wasn’t too surprised to find I could get a month’s supply of VD bullets for $25 less. I then called the Super Kmart guy and told him what I’d found out. He said he’d get back to me. He did—that afternoon.

Bottom line: Do what girls have always done in the presence of two suitors: Tell them about each other, then step back and see what happens. Super K matched Wal-Mart’s price and threw in a five dollar coupon. The price of illicit love just got cheaper.

~~~~~

Books
A Barnes & Noble recently opened near my house, and I knew it already gave pretty good discounts. But as Edward G. Robinson once so eloquently put it, I wanted “more, that’s right, I want more.”

With about 10 books in hand, I approached the store manager and requested a price break. She said no but then asked if I knew about their corporate discount plan. By signing up, I could get an additional 20 percent off anytime I spent at least $25.

Me: But I’m not a corporation.
Her: That’s OK. You just have to bring in some evidence that you actually have a business.
Me: Evidence? Like what?
Her: A business credit card, a company brochure, even a regular business card.

Bottom line: Businesses know that if you get a good deal, you’ll spread the word at work. Which is why Joe Schmoe has far less negotiating clout than Joe Schmoe Amalgamated Enterprises. And it’s not just bookstores: Many hotels, stationery stores, car rentals, and even some restaurants play by these rules. As for me, I thanked the manager, ran over to OfficeMax, had some cheap business cards printed up (at the corporate rate), and returned to B&N. Jim Thornton Enterprises has been reaping the savings ever since.

~~~~~

Haircut
In 1991, my wife bought one of those electric hair buzzers at Kmart for six dollars and has been giving me crew cuts with it ever since. The unit cost per haircut: 17¢. Seeking a new look, I visited a local chop shop. But the price was $25.

Me: My wife cuts my hair for 17¢. Would you consider doing it for a quarter?
Gary (the owner): No.
Me: How about $10?
Gary: I couldn’t get you in and out of my chair in less than 15 minutes. Tell you what, 15 minutes, 15 bucks.
Me: With my hair, I think you could do it in five minutes. What if you tried to set a land speed record? How much would three minutes of your time be? Three minutes, three bucks?
Gary: Can’t do it. But if you wanted to be a hair model, I could have one of my junior designers cut you for $10.
Me: Kind of like having a resident do your hernia surgery?
Gary: Exactly. You’re overseen by the surgeon, you know the end result will be fine, and you’re offering us a valuable opportunity to train our staff.

Bottom line: Think creatively about what the business needs. Give it to them and they’ll do right by you. Gary did me right with a 60 percent savings. (Note: His $10 still represents a nearly 5,900 percent increase over what I’m used to paying.)

~~~~~

Magazine subscriptions

For six months I’d been getting those URGENT—OPEN IMMEDIATELY! messages from Newsweek magazine. They implored me to renew my subscription, warning that the price would never, ever be lower. A week before the expiration date, I called up Newsweek customer service.

Her: How can I help you?
Me: I’m a longtime Newsweek subscriber. I love the magazine, but I’m kinda strapped this year, and I’m wondering if I could get a little break this time?
Her: Last year you paid $41.34. I know there’s an offer out there for $24. Want to do that?
Me: [thrilled but cool] Is there a two-year deal?
Her: I don’t know if you can get that price...
Me: What if I charge it over the phone right now?
Her: I think we can do that.

Bottom line: From a magazine’s point of view, it’s better to lock in the deal even at a discount than to keep sending you mailings. I saved $17.34, or 42 percent, on the already “discounted” price.

~~~~~

Hernia surgery

Having hernia surgery is a bit like being bayoneted in the groin. And the bill that comes afterward is a bit like a Spanish twist with the bayonet. Still agonizing in my sickbed, I got a bill for $900. Two weeks later I made an appointment to see the hospital administrator in charge of billing, got dressed up, and limped in to ask for some help.

Me: [after much friendliness, complimenting of the promising young med student who gored me, etc.] I know that hospitals aren’t having the easiest time of it these days, and I’ve read that people with health insurance often end up subsidizing indigents, but my problem is that I’m sort of in the middle. I’ve got insurance, but it’s not very good. Is there any chance that you could give me a break on this $900 charge?
Administrator: Do you think you could pay $700?

Bottom line: Hospitals get stiffed so often by patients without insurance that if you offer to make a good-faith payment, odds are they’ll snap at it.

~~~~~

Great chair
I have a bad back, and for years I’ve been meaning to buy a comfortable “back chair.” Finally I got off my ass and made the rounds to the various chair emporiums, eventually zeroing in on the superstores. Staples was the first to hear my pitch.

Me:
I love your store! I bought two computers here, my father bought two computers here—we love you! I want to make this the only place I go for office stuff for the rest of my life! [Then I started in on the chair.]

Salesman: I’m sorry, sir. Even if you bought 1,000 chairs, the unit price would be the same.
Me: Well, what about this gash in the floor demo? Would you sell this one at a discount because of that gash?
Salesman: Sir, I’m not sure what “gash” you’re referring to, but we can’t sell the demo cheaper.
Me: What if I bought the demo at the regular price, so at least I wouldn’t have to assemble it?
Salesman: Sir, we don’t sell the floor models, because we have to pay to have them assembled. [So I tried my luck at OfficeMax.]
Me: [I deliver my by-now-well-rehearsed three-minute sequence of shameless flattery, proof of customer loyalty, and citation of all the business I’ve sent the salesman’s way.]
Store manager: We’re glad you feel that way!
Me: I’m wondering if I might qualify for a tiny discount?

Bottom line: Qualify I did. With my new Jim Thornton Enterprises corporate card, I got 20 percent off the price, plus the in-store sales rep gave me a coupon that knocked off another $20; and because I ordered the chair via the chain’s 800 number (the manager’s recommendation), delivery was free. Some salesmen will work with you; some salesmen won’t. When you’re comparison-shopping, you’re not only looking for a better price, you’re looking for a better salesman.

~~~~~

BIG MAC BARGAINING

Can you haggle with Ronald McDonald?

I’d done well in my bargaining endeavors. So well that I decided to put myself to the ultimate test: Could I cut a deal on a Big Mac? In retrospect, I probably should have shaved.

I timed my arrival for 11 A.M., early enough to guarantee there’d be no crowds. I must admit I was hoping for some give-and-take with a saucy little burger chick who would so admire my chutzpa that she’d buy me a Big Mac out of her $5.15-an-hour wages.
“Hi,” I said to the elderly burger matron who took my order. “How much is a Big Mac?”

“$2.09,” she said pertly.

“Could I get it a little cheaper?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the Burger King across the street is selling Big Kings for 99¢.” Before she could reply, the manager swooped down.

“What is it you want, sir?” she said.

When I told her I wanted a discount, she asked me why. I explained that it was to save money. She looked at me as if I had just proposed defecating in the French fry oil. Then she shook her head wickedly.

“OK, OK,” I said, knowing I was losing her. “Do you have a Big Mac that fell on the floor? Could I get a discount on one that fell on the floor?”

A small knot of customers had begun to gather.

“I think you’d better leave now,” the manager said. “Or I’ll call the police.”

“You’re joking,” I said. She started moving to the phone; I started moving to my car.


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