Allie Brosh accompanied her Craisin-vomiting boyfriend to the ER where a doctor asked Mr. Beau to rate his pain using the ubiquitous, proto-emoticon pain chart. Allie noted that said chart had an offensively blasé approach toward identifying emergency-grade pain, and decided to put together the more comprehensive graphic shown above.
0: Hi. I am not experiencing any pain at all. I don’t know why I’m even here.
1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.
2: I probably just need a Band Aid.
3: This is distressing. I don’t want this to be happening to me at all.
4: My pain is not f**king around.
5: Why is this happening to me??
6: Ow. Okay, my pain is super legit now.
7: I see Jesus coming for me and I’m scared.
8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain. I might actually be dying. Please help.
9: I am almost definitely dying.
10: I am actively being mauled by a bear.
11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.
Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have Ebola. It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or Pinkeye.
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