St. Patrick's Day Humor

 Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, 

"Do you want the winner of the next race?"

Paddy replies "No tanks, I couldn't keep it,

I've only got a small garden."

Paddy and Mick found 2 hand grenades

 and decided to take them to the police station.

Mick, "What if one explodes before we can get there?"

Paddy, “We'll tell a fib and say we only found one!”

Paddy's racing snail was not winning races anymore

So he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight 

and make him more aerodynamic but it didn’t work,

 if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out 

of it so he phones the police and says, 

"Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.

The operator asks, 

"Is it tickin? 

 Paddy says, "No I tink it's turkey"

I was sitting next to a priest in a pub in Boston 

having Irish bean soup and raving about how great it tasted.

Eventually he offered that

 “the Irish have a strict rule that this soup have

 no more than 239 beans per serving.’

I asked,  ”Why the strict rule?”

And in his finest Irish brogue he explained,

 “If we added just one more bean it would be too farty.”

Liam asks Paddy for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, “Well, boyo, are ye on foot or in the car?”

Liam replies, “In the car.”

“Well, that’s the quickest way,” says Paddy