Random Status Updates

If you ever think you’ve hit rock bottom, just remember that my bank once froze my accounts because I bought a healthy ready meal at my local supermarket and they classified it as an “uncharacteristic purchase.”

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“Lazy” is such a harsh word.

I prefer the term, “selective participation.”

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I’m starting up a new restaurant that serves curry poured over French fries. It’s called “Curry On My Wayward Spud.” And yes… there’ll be peas when you are done.

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If someone doesn’t say, “No shit, Sherlock” to both Iron Man and Dr. Strange in the movie, “Infinity War, I, for one, will be sorely disappointed.

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It’s easy to deter ladies from eating Tide Pods, but it’s quite a bit more difficult to deter…gents.

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So, apparently, it’s frowned upon to scream, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME!” when you’re at the self-checkout machine.

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**air horn sound**

**second air horn sound***

Me: “Wait, this isn’t my deodorant.”

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Damn Millennials. Walking around like they rent the place.

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The most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter is that they eventually use all the skills they learned at school.

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Me (young and naïve): I hope something good happens

Me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny