Puns, Jokes, and One-Liners

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an Atomic Number of 82.
I’m easily lead.

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My superpower is getting tired without doing anything.

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Alex Trebek: The Capitol of Ohio
Me: Columbus.
Alex: In the form of a question, please.
Me:
   O L
C      U
       M
      B
      U

      S

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What kind of fish is made up of a couple of Sodium atoms?
2 Na

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Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and ruthless.

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Once you realize you don’t need a special occasion to buy a cake, the second part of your life begins

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Imagine how cocky the plastic bag under your sink that gets to hold all the other plastic bags must feel

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At the costume party
Host: What are you?
Me: Dude – I’m a harp.
Host: You’re costume is too small to be a harp.
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

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Technically, the Wright brothers were responsible for 9/11

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Theoretically you can’t really complain if there’s a pubic hair on your everything bagel.