Random Status Updates

As I was walking out to my car last night I heard some rustling in the bushes. I immediately turned on my cellphone flashlight and walked toward the noise to see what it was. The only thing I discovered was the unpleasant realization that I’m the dumbass who dies in the first ten minutes of every horror movie. 

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I’m starting to think I’ve been overusing exclamation points in my posts. It ends today. As of this very moment. Right now. I’ll never use one again. I’m so excited about this. Yes.

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I have a buddy who is in a wheelchair. He told me that his date stood him up. It’s still unclear to me whether his night was really amazing of just crappy.

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I just asked Siri, “Surely it’s not going to rain today.”
She replied with, “That’s correct, it’s not, and don’t call me Shirley.”

Apparently, I forgot to turn my phone off Airplane mode.

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Gas is upwards of $50/full tank
Carrots are like $1/pound
Ya boi is getting a horse

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What were Chick Fil-A’s other mascot ideas before landing on an illiterate cow begging for his life?

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As his name is not “Biggest Bird,” are we to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, if not more, truly immense, unseen birds?

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I always sort of felt bad for Belle in “Beauty and the Beast” because, in the opening number, all the townspeople were calling her weird because she likes books and has an active imagination. However, in their defense, a significant number of those same townspeople watched Belle leave the library with a book and then immediately open it and start describing the plot to some nearby sheep.

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My fondest childhood memory is thinking that $100 was a lot of money.

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Oh, this is sad. An Irish “Star Trek” fan has been assassinated by the Mafia. Apparently, he was capped in Cork.