Random Status Updates

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My current body type is like you can sorta tell I work out but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.

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How did “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog” become the typical sentence that contains all the letters of the alphabet and not “Sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”, which is objectively a million times cooler?

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The thinking persons consensus is that, once the initial terror of a talking doll had passed, Chucky would be relatively easy to overpower.

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So if we’re going to have Space Force, does that mean we have to rename the other branches of the Armed Services?

Navy – Water Force

Army – Land Force

Marines – Punch Force

Coast Guard – Swim Force

Air Force – Air Force Force

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60% of the people in the world are stupid.

I’m proud to say I’m with the other 30%.

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When you think about it, gas prices aren’t so bad if you consider you’re really buying liquid explosive dinosaurs.

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 “Alexa, I pooped.”

Go ahead. Do it.

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I’m always a little unsure if I actually have a lot of free time, or if I’m just forgetting everything I’m supposed to do.

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I crave the simple things in life like fresh sourdough bread with a shallow but ornate dipping bowl containing olive oil/balsamic vinaigrette/fresh herbs on a moonlit evening overlooking the sea in some beautiful Mediterranean location where I’m left alone to eat my bread and let the iodine from the sea air heal my torn up spirit and also six hundred million dollars in unmarked duffle bags stuffed into a Swiss bank account box I receive for completing a job of dubious morality.

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That was the rudest pharmacist ever! All I asked was, “What am I supposed to do with these suppositories?”