Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Jokes, Puns, and One-Liners

Between coffee and cocaine, it seems like the whole point of Columbia is to wake the rest of the world up.

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As someone who cares deeply about the environment, I am obligated to pick you up.
Is seven okay?

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Is an argument between two vegans still called a beef?

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I’m sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.

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I’m a fairly intelligent guy. Just not an “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” intelligent guy.

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WARNING: AdBlock makes you unattractive to women. I just installed it and now all the horny singles in my area have suddenly lost interest.

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Some days I amaze myself.
Other days I search frantically for my phone while I’m holding it.

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I’m so embarrassed. Some guy with a stutter tried to tell me he was going over to visit his Nan, and by the end of it we were all singing “Hey, Jude” around the bar.

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French kid going down a slide:  “Yyyeeeeesss!!!”

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When my girlfriend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down


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