Random Status Updates

Remember when we were younger and we thought people our age pretty much knew everything? 

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

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Okay, just to clarify, when you say, “You’re a monster,” do you mean the cool kind with fangs and muscles, or the kind who ate all your cheesecake?

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Her: Undress me with your words.

Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

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If I were a superhero, I’d be Typoman, the writer of wrongs

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Cauliflower tastes like someone ate a dozen hardboiled eggs, waited an hour, farted into the dirt, then tended that fart dirt lovingly for two months until it grew into a fart flower, harvested it on the hottest, ripest day of the year, boiled it for 13 hours, and then tried to fool people into thinking it tasted just like mashed potatoes.

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Hey, remember a couple of years ago when the Large Hadron Collider overloaded and broke down, and everyone was saying stuff like, “t’s a good thing nothing weird happened like some bizarre shift in reality”?

Maybe it’s time to revisit that.

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Draw this on a piece of paper

_______________________

Drop it in front of someone you like

“Do you know what this is?”

“It’s a pick-up line!”

When it invariably doesn’t work, rip up the paper and say,

“Yeah, that pick-up line was tearable.”

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I’m thinking kids would learn to count faster if we put the numbers in alphabetical order.

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We’ve almost made it through an entire calendar year without Game of Thrones. We’re stronger than we give ourselves credit for