How to Sing the Blues

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."    
    
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.    
    
         I got a good woman-    
         with the meanest dog in town.    
    
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.    
    
         Got a good woman    
         with the meanest dog in town.    
         He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher    
         and he weighs about 500 pounds.    
    
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.    
    
5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train.  Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.    
    
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues.  Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.    
    
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.  Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.    
    
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:    
         a.      violet    
         b.      beige    
         c.      mauve    
    
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.    
    
10. Good places for the Blues:    
         a.      the highway    
         b.      the jailhouse    
         c.      the empty bed    
    
    Bad places:    
         a.      Ashrams    
         b.      Gallery openings    
         c.      weekend in the Hamptons    
    
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.    
    
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?    
    
       Yes, if:    
         a.      your first name is a southern state-like Georgia    
         b.      you're blind    
         c.      you shot a man in Memphis.    
         d.      you can't be satisfied.    
    
       No, if:    
         a.      you were once blind but now can see.    
         b.      you're deaf    
         c.      you have a trust fund.    
    
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.    
    
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.    
       Other blues beverages are:    
         a.      wine    
         b.      Irish whiskey    
         c.      muddy water    
    
       Blues beverages are NOT:    
         a.      Any mixed drink    
         b.      Any wine kosher for Passover    
         c.      Yoo Hoo (all flavors)    
    
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.    
    
16. Some Blues names for Women    
         a.      Sadie    
         b.      Big Mama    
         c.      Bessie    
    
17. Some Blues Names for Men    
         a.      Joe    
         b.      Willie    
         c.      Little Willie    
         d.      Lightning    
    
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.    
    
17B. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)    
         a.      Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)    
         b.      First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)    
         c.      Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)    

Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning"    
    

GOOD / BETTER / BAD:

OPENING LINE-     
Good: "Got me a woman..."     
Better: "Woke up this mornin'..."     
Bad: "Sunshine...on my shoulder..."    
    
GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION-     
Good: Chicago     
Better: St. Louis or Kansas City     
Bad: Martha's Vineyard    
    
BUILDING-     
Good: Cheap hotel     
Better: Shotgun shack     
Bad: Symphony Hall    
    
MISFORTUNE-     
Good: "...down n' out"     
Better: "...old lady done me wrong"     
Bad: "...HMO don't cover hair plugs"     
    
WOMAN'S NAME-     
Good: Sadie     
Better: Bessie     
Bad: Sierra    
    
CAR-    
Good: Chevy     
Better: Cadillac     
Bad: Daihatsu    
    
OTHER TRANSPORTATION-     
Good: Greyhound bus     
Better: southbound train     
Bad: Vanpool    
    
ACTIVITY-     
Good: "Jus' walkin'"     
Better: "Fixin' to Die"     
Bad: "Readin' the Wall Street Journal"    
    
FOOD-    
Good: Biscuits n' gravy     
Better: Ribs     
Bad: PowerBar    
    
DRINK-     
Good: Sloe gin     
Better: Straight whiskey     
Bad: Frappucino    
    
CRIME YOU'RE GUILTY OF-     
Good: Fightin' in the strrets again     
Better: Shooting a man in Memphis     
Bad: Greenpeace demonstration gone wrong    
    
KIND OF BLUES YOU GOT:    
Good: Woman-done-leff-agin     
Better: two-ain't-too-many-women-for-me     
Bad: Levis 501    
  
FINANCIAL STATUS:    
Good: Broke     
Better: Flat Broke     
Bad: DINK (Double Income, No Kids)    
    
WHERE YOU SPENT YOUR LAST FIVE DOLLARS:    
Good: Two packs of cigarettes, and a cup of joe     
Better: On a two-dollar woman     
Bad: Amortized 401k    
    
WHAT KIND OF WOMAN YOU GOT:    
Good: long-legged     
Better: cold-hearted     
Bad: hairy-chested    
    
KIND OF MAN I AM:    
Good: Hard-headed     
Better: hard-drinkin'     
Bad: Vaguely effemminate    
    
HOW SHE DONE ME WRONG:    
Good: left me 'lone     
Better: took the money and run     
Bad: quit weight watchers    
    
WHAT I MIGHT AS WELL DO:    
Good: roll over and die     
Better: keep playing these blues 'till I die     
Bad: try to resuscitate that man in Memphis, 'fore he dies    
    
CAUSE OF DEATH-     
Good: Stabbed in the back by jealous lover     
Better: Electric chair after shooting a man in Memphis     
Bad: Silicon breast implant rupture