Jokes, Puns, and One-Liners

I sincerely hope that when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

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EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING.

Me: Wow, that was an amazing dream!
Brain (10 seconds later): What dream?

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Mark my words.
(Mark brings me my dictionary)
Thank you, Mark.

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If there’s one thing adulthood has taught me it’s that you don’t really need fun to have alcohol.

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Since it’s impossible for me to know which part of my life is the middle, I’ve decided to have an ongoing crisis

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If the NSA needs to listen to all our communications in order to locate the people actually *making* the fruitcakes, I’m okay with that.

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Sir Mix-A-Lot likes big butts and cannot lie.
His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth.
You may ask one question.

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I saw a bird eating a piece of avocado toast.
I’m thinkin’ it was a millennial falcon.

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When I die, I want all my friends to come to my funeral and give wildly conflicting accounts of my life.

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What if your phone doesn’t autocorrect you when you’re typing in all caps because it thinks you’re angry and doesn’t want to get involved?