I’ve always wondered why some people jump off the tops of buildings to see if they can fly. Wouldn’t it be safer and make a lot more sense to try to fly UP to the top?
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Has anyone else ever wondered if, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
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Whoever said that you can catch more flies with honey has obviously never played outfield in a softball league
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If no one has taken you aside today and told you what an amazing person you are, let me be the first to say: it’s getting late, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up.
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ME: How many syllables are in the word “Gloria”?
CATHOLICS: 18
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There’s a delicate balance in telling people you’re going to the gym, enough so that they’re impressed but not so much that they start expecting you to be in shape.
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You pick a phrase, you pick a rhyme,
Repeat the sound another time,
Five lambs, then an extra beat will do ya.
Another rhyme, a rising note,
Congratulations, you just wrote,
Another stupid verse to Hallelujah.
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I always ask kids what they want to be when they grow up.
Mostly because I’m still looking for ideas.
Mostly.
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Man, I’m having a real hard time today. Please send me photos of your credit card numbers and three-digit security codes.
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It’s official: the rule “I before E except after C” has been disproved by science.
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