Random Status Updates

The most taxing part of being an adult is trying to figure out what to have for dinner every night until you die.

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I’m happy to report that I did some financial planning, and it looks like I can retire next year and live comfortably for about an hour.

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Does anyone have a charger? My milk is only at 2%.

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I like to think that I’m a relatively intelligent man, but I’ve poked every single bruise I’ve ever had just to think, “Ouch. Yep, That’s a bruise.”

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If Superman doesn’t wear underwear with my pictures all over them, then this relationship is as one-sided as I feared.

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Garbage men and pick-up artists should change names.

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How come Amazon tells me that there’s only two left in stock and I should order soon.  Shouldn’t THEY order soon? They’re the store!

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I used to think I could control ducks with my mind, but it turns out ducks and I just have similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do.

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Bologna is just hot dogs for people who like pancakes

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I always carry a knife in my pocket. You know, in case of a cheesecake or something.