Tuesday, August 31, 2021

TUNESMITH TUESDAY - "When A Man Loves A Woman" by Percy Sledge (1966)



When A Man Loves A Woman

When a man loves a woman,
Can't keep his mind on nothin' else,
He'd change the world for the good thing he's found.

If she is bad, he can't see it,
She can do no wrong,
Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.

When a man loves a woman,
He'll spend his very last dime
Tryin' to hold on to what he needs.
He'd give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain,
If she said that's the way
It ought to be.

Well, this man loves you, woman.
I gave you everything I have,
Tryin' to hold on to your heartless love.
Baby, please don't treat me bad.

When a man loves a woman,
Down deep in his soul,
She can bring him such misery.

If she is playin' him for a fool,
He's the last one to know.
Lovin' eyes can never see.

When a man loves a woman
He can do her no wrong,
He can never want
Some other girl.

Yes,When a man loves a woman
I know exactly how he feels,
'Cause baby, baby, you're my world
When a man loves a woman....

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

TUNESMITH TUESDAY - "One More Minute" by Weird Al Yankovic (1985)




"One More Minute"
[constant "doo wop"s in the background throughout the song]

Aahh

Well I heard that you're leavin' (leavin')
Gonna leave me far behind (so far behind)
'Cause you found a brand new lover
You decided that I'm not your kind (aahh..)

So I pulled (I pulled) your name out (name out) 
Of my Rolodex (oohh..)
And I tore all your pictures in two
And I burned down the malt shop where we used to go
Just because it reminds me of you (dippity dippity doo)

That's right (that's right) you ain't gonna see me cryin'
I'm glad (I'm glad) that you found somebody new
'Cause I'd rather spend eternity eating shards of broken glass
Than spend one more minute with you

I guess I might seem kinda bitter
You got me feeling down in the dumps
'Cause I'm stranded all alone in the gas station of love
And I have to use the self-service pumps

Oh, so honey, let me help you with that suitcase
You ain't (you ain't) gonna break my heart in two
'Cause I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face
Than spend one more minute with you

I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork
Than watch you going out with other men
I'd rather slam my fingers in a door (yah)
Again and again and again and again and again

Oh, can't you see what I'm tryin' to say, Darlin...

I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches (leeches)
Shove an icepick under a toenail or two
I'd rather clean all the bathroom in Grand Central Station 
With my tongue
Than spend one more minute with you

Yes, I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumbtacks
Or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue
I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with 
Double-edged razor blades
Than spend one more minute with you

I'd rather rip my heart out of my ribcage with my bare hands
and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it 'till I die
Than spend one more minute with you

Tuesday, August 17, 2021

TUNESMITH TUESDAY - "Who Put the Bomp (in the Bomp, Bomp, Bomp)" by Barry Mann (1961)



Who Put the Bomp (in the Bomp, Bomp, Bomp)

I'd like to thank the guy who wrote the song
That made my baby fall in love with me"

Who put the bomp
In the bomp bah-bomp bah-bomp?
Who put the ram
In the rama-lama ding-dong?
Who put the bop
In the bop shoo-bop shoo-bop?
Who put the dip
In the dip da-dip da-dip?
Who was that man?
I'd like to shake his hand
He made my baby fall in love with me (Yeah)

When my baby heard
Bomp bah-bah bomp bah-bomp bah-bomp bah
Every word went right into her heart
And when she heard them singin'
Rama lama-lama lama-lama ding-dong
She said we'd never have to part

So who put the bomp
In the bomp bah-bomp bah-bomp?
Who put the ram
In the rama-lama ding-dong?
Who put the bop
In the bop shoo-bop shoo-bop?
Who put the dip
In the dip da-dip da-dip?
Who was that man?
I'd like to shake his hand
He made my baby fall in love with me (Yeah)

Each time that we're alone
Boogity boogity boogity boogity boogity boogity shoo
Sets my baby's heart all aglow
And every time we dance to
Dip da-dip da-dip, dip da-dip da-dip
She always says she loves me so

So who put the bomp
In the bomp bah-bomp bah-bomp?
Who put the ram
In the rama-lama ding-dong?
Who put the bop
In the bop shoo-bop shoo-bop?
Who put the dip
In the dip da-dip da-dip?
Who was that man?
I'd like to shake his hand
He made my baby fall in love with me (Yeah)

Darling, bomp bah-bah bomp, bah-bomp bah-bomp bomp
And, my honey, rama-lama ding-dong forever
And when I say dip-da-dip da-dip da-dip
You know I mean it from the bottom of my boogity boogity boogity shoo

Tuesday, August 10, 2021

TUNESMITH TUESDAY - "High Heel Sneakers" by Tommy Tucker (1964)



"High Heel Sneakers"

Put on your red dress baby, honey we're goin' out tonight.
Put on your red dress baby, honey we're goin' out tonight.
Want you to wear your boxin' gloves in case some fool might want to fight.

Put on your high heel sneakers, throw that wig hat on your head.
Put on your high heel sneakers, throw that wig hat on your head.
Honey I know you're gonna get real high, honey I know you're gonna knock 'em dead.

Want you to talk to me baby, mama and hold me tight,
Keep on holdin me baby, until you hold me just right
Put on your high-red dress mama, wear your wig-hat on your head
I want you to hold your head kinda high because I know your gonna knock em dead

Put on your white boots baby, pull em up on your legs so high
Put on your white boots baby, pull em up on your legs so high
I want you to look real good, you better even hide your thigh

Lord I want you to call my name this morning, call it sort of sweet and low
And make me think little darling, Lord I'm on the third floor!
Put on your high heel sneakers, wear that wig hat on your head
I want you to raise your dress real high because I know your gonna knock em dead

Raise your window woman, raise it soft and slow
See your man down there could be
You may don't know, anh-uh
Girl I ain't going out that do'
Oh, I see your man downstairs--
Look like your man, how do I know?
Could be yo' man, how do I know?

Put on your red dress baby, wear that wig hat on your head.
Put on that red dress baby, wear that wig hat on your head.
Want you to cock your forty five, in case some fool might want to fight.
Oh I know you're gonna get real high, oh I know you're gonna knock 'em dead.
I know you're gonna get real high, I know you're gonna knock 'em dead.

Monday, August 9, 2021

MONDAY MIND GAME

A guy walks into a store and steals a $100 bill from the register without the owner’s knowledge.

He then buys $70 worth of goods using the $100 bill, and then the owner gives him $30 change.

How much money did the owner lose?












Give up?
Drag your cursor between the asterisks for the answer:


*

Many people think the answer is 200 dollars. It seems like the owner had $100 stolen, and then had another $100 stolen in the second story. But remember the thief also paid using the $100 bill, so the owner actually gets back $100. The owner’s loss is $100.

*


Sunday, August 8, 2021

When You Are Old

This is one of the very few poems I actually took the time to memorize. I first heard it during a broadcast of from the first reboot of The Twilight Zone, called "Her Pilgrim Soul".


When You Are Old
by William Butler Yeats

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

Why Every Star Wars Film Has the Wrong Title


The dude has a point. The titles of the Star Wars movies work much better when you swap them around to the film they actually describe.
Episode I: The Rise of SkywalkerEpisode II: Revenge of the SithEpisode III: Attack of the ClonesEpisode IV: Return of the JediEpisode V: The Force AwakensEpisode VI: The Last JediEpisode VII: The Empire Strikes BackEpisode VIII: A New HopeEpisode IX: The Phantom Menace


(via)

A conversation between Einstein and Mr. Bean

Einstein: “I’ll ask you a question.​If you can’t answer correctly, you’ll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can’t answer correctly, I’ll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: (asks a question).

Mr. Bean: (after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar).

Einstein: Okay, it’s your turn.

Mr. Bean: What’s an animal that has four legs, but when it’s crossing a street, it has three legs and when it’s on the other side of the street, it has only two?

Einstein: (Thinks hard for a while, then says) I give up (and gives 1000 dollars to Mr. Bean).

Einstein: What is it?

Mr. Bean: (gives a dollar to Einstein).


(via)    

THROWBACK THURSDAY - "Do-It-Yourself Country Western Song

(Originally published on March 27, 20010

DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY WESTERN SONG


I met her __________  _____;  I can still recall _________.
                         (1)           (2)                                      (3)

          1.                                 2.                                   3.
on the highway          in September               that purple dress
in Sheboygan            at McDonald's              that little hat
outside Fresno          ridin' shotgun               that burlap bra
at a truck stop           wrestlin' gators             those training pants
on probation              all hunched over          the stolen goods
in a jail cell                poppin' uppers             that plastic nose
in a nightmare           sort of pregnant           the Stassin pin
incognito                   with some joggers        the neon sign
in the Stone Age       stoned on oatmeal       that creepy smile
in a treehouse           with Merv Griffin          the hearing aid
in a gay bar               dead all over                the boxer shorts



She was ______  _____,
                   (4)        (5)

                   4.                                           5
sobbin' at the toll booth                 in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper                        but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies        by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne                   near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie           with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny                    when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail       on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail                   with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili                            with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand             with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini                         in her muu-muu


and I knew _______.  _______ I'd ______ forever;
                       (6)             (7)              (8)
   
                      6.                                                  7.                                  8.
no guy would ever love her more            I promised her                  stay with her
that she would be an easy score             I knew deep down            warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store       She asked me if             swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore           I told her shrink              change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"               The judge declared          punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore             My Pooh Bear said           live off her
it was a raven, nothing more                    I shrieked in pain             have my rash
we really lost the last World War             The painters knew           stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor          A Klingon said                 hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for            My hamster thought         pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core               The blood test showed     play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor              Her rabbi said                  salivate


She said to me ____.  But who'd have thought she'd _____
                           (9)                                                      (10)

9.                                               10.
our love would never die         run off
there was no other guy           wind up
man wasn't meant to fly           boogie
that Nixon didn't lie                 yodel
her basset hound was shy      sky dive
that Rolaids made her high     turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye       freak out
she loved my one blue eye     blast off
her brother's name was Hy     make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"           black out
that birthdays made her cry    bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie        grovel




___________; _________ goodbye.
         (11)               (12)

           11.                                                 12.
  with my best friend           You'd think at least that she'd have said
  in my Edsel                       I never had the chance to say
  on a surfboard                  She told her fat friend Grace to say
  on "The Gong Show"        I now can kiss my credit cards
  with her dentist                 I guess I was too smashed to say
  on her "Workmate"           I watched her melt away and sobbed
  with a robot                       She fell beneath the wheels and cried
  with no clothes on             She sent a hired thug to say
  at her health club              She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
  in her Maytag                    I pushed her off the bridge and waved
  with her guru                     But that's the way that pygmies say
  while in labor                    She sealed me in the vault and smirked